Iraq - Where do we go from here?

Huckabee's plan:

The good:
"I support a regional summit so that Iraq's neighbors become financially and militarily committed to stabilizing Iraq now rather than financially and militarily committed to widening the war later."

"Withdrawal would have serious strategic consequences for us and horrific humanitarian consequences for the Iraqis. If we leave, Iraq's neighbors on all sides will face a refugee crisis and be drawn into the war: Iran to protect the Shiites; Saudi Arabia, Egypt, and Jordan to protect the Sunnis; and Turkey to protect its control over its own Kurd population. Iraq is a crossroads where Arab meets Persian and Kurd, Sunni meets Shiite, so if it's not a peaceful buffer, it can easily become a tinder box for the region. " (I am impressed that he realizes exactly how much of an impact Iraq can have.)

The bad: "The Democrats delusionally deny that the war in Iraq is part of the war on terror even as we fight Al Qaeda there." (Great strategy for solving Iraq's political problems... let's insult the Democrats! I'm sure THAT will help Iraq become stable... *rolling eyes*)

Notes from me: It seems like Huckabee is so busy blasting Democrats, and talking about the evil of Al Queda and terrorism, that he doesn't have time to make a definate plan for how to "win" in Iraq. I think his goals are noble... but I'd like to see a lot more details about how he plans to accomplish those goals.

My opinion of his plan: ***** (1 Star)

Hillary 's plan:


The good: "As president, Hillary would focus American aid efforts during our redeployment on stabilizing Iraq, not propping up the Iraqi government. She would direct aid to the entities -- whether governmental or non-governmental -- most likely to get it into the hands of the Iraqi people."


"In her first days in office, Hillary would convene a regional stabilization group composed of key allies, other global powers, and all of the states bordering Iraq. The- mission of this group would be to develop and implement a strategy to create a stable Iraq. It would have three specific goals:
*Non-interference. Working with the U.N. representative, the group would work to convince Iraq's neighbors to refrain from getting involved in the civil war.
*Mediation. The group would attempt to mediate among the different sectarian groups in Iraq with the goal of attaining compromises on fundamental points of disputes.
*Reconstruction funding. The members of the group would hold themselves and other countries to their past pledges to provide funding to Iraq and will encourage additional contributions to meet Iraq's extensive needs. "

Note from me: I really get the impression that Hillary has thought her plan through. I like the fact that she plans to take Iraq and make it a "group project" by including other nations in the work to rebuild and stabilize the country. The goal of non-interference seems nice, but unreachable... I'm a little worried about that. I wonder how she plans to convince the states bordering Iraq NOT to interfere?

My opinion of her plan? ***** (4 stars)

Obama's plan:

The bad: "Obama will immediately begin to remove our troops from Iraq. He will remove one to two combat brigades each month, and have all of our combat brigades out of Iraq within 16 months... The best way to press Iraq’s leaders to take responsibility for their future is to make it clear that we are leaving. As we remove our troops, Obama will engage representatives from all levels of Iraqi society – in and out of government – to seek a new accord on Iraq’s Constitution and governance."


*Note from me: His plan is basically to immediately withdraw from Iraq, thereby forcing the Iraqi officials to work & solve their own problems. I'm a little afraid of this approach... not of the withdrawl, but of the lack of planning for how to get Iraq stabilized with their own functional government.


The good: "Obama will launch the most aggressive diplomatic effort in recent American history to reach a new compact on the stability of Iraq and the Middle East. This effort will include all of Iraq’s neighbors — including Iran and Syria. This compact will aim to secure Iraq’s borders; keep neighboring countries from meddling inside Iraq; isolate al Qaeda; support reconciliation among Iraq’s sectarian groups; and provide financial support for Iraq’s reconstruction."

My opinion of his plan: ***** (3 Stars)

McCain's plan:

The bad: "More troops are necessary to clear and hold insurgent strongholds; to provide security for rebuilding local institutions and economies; to halt sectarian violence in Baghdad and disarm Sunni and Shia militias; to dismantle al Qaeda; to train the Iraqi Army; and to embed American personnel in Iraqi police units."

"The United States must also bolster its regional military posture to make clear to Iran our determination to protect our forces in Iraq and to deter Iranian intervention in that country. " (Wow... is it just me, or does that sound a bit like he wants war with Iran as well??)

The good: "America's ultimate strategy is to give Iraqis the capabilities to govern and secure their own country." (We have a GOAL! *happy clap*)

"Building a capable Iraqi army is a central requirement for ensuring Iraq's ability to govern and protect itself long after American forces have withdrawn."

Notes from me: McCain seems to have a VERY detailed strategy for bringing stability and independece to Iraq. I also think it is very good that he realizes that Iraq DOES need to have a capable army of it's own... so that it isn't defenseless and easily conquered by other nations in the area.

My opinion of his plan: ***** (3 Stars)

Romney's plan:

I have looked all around his website, and can't find ANYTHING about his plan for Iraq. If anyone else knows the location of his opinion, please let me know so i can include it here!

I think we can all agree on what we want to happen... we all want Iraq to become a safe, free, independent nation. We all want our troops home as soon as that goal has been accomplished.

Each politician though, has a different method for making that happen. One wants more military presence, to make the citizens feel safe. One wants to unite other nations, including the ones surrounding Iraq, to make helping Iraq a common goal. One wants to bring the troops home, so that the political factions in Iraq will be forced to work together.

My question for the day:

What method do YOU think will best help Iraq?

Crumbling

Since the incident at work last week, I've felt out of control... and through the weekend, it got worse instead of better. Insomnia, mood swings, depression... I feel like my mental health is crumbling, and I'm not sure what to do about it... I need to rest, but when I lay down my mind spins wildly trying to figure out a solution to this mess. Even happy pills are not helping. I feel beyond overwhelmed.

In happier news, I DID get a mad burst of energy Saturday night, and set to work getting all kinds of supplies ready for my collaged ornaments I want to make and sell this Christmas. To make them, I cut interesting pictures from magazines and glue them to a plain ornament.... so this weekend, I cut out a HUGE pile of pictures!! I got some great ideas for new sets of ornaments, so hopefully I'll have pics of some new ornaments up on my blog later this week!

Ugggggg...

Today was not a good day. I woke up at 2AM? 2:30 AM? I dunno. Somewhere in there. Didn't get back to sleep til sometime after 4AM. Woke up late, and was a couple of minutes late to work. Had a migrane...

Had an "incident" with my boss during my unpaid (and late.) lunch... it was bad this time. I mean, I have had bad issues with my boss before, but this was the absolute WORST yet. He really went off on me today, totally inappropriately... I was SOOOOOOOOOOOO angry at him, my hands were shaking for over an hour after the incident. I sat at my desk and cried as I worked for two hours, but there was so much work coming into my desk that I couldn't even leave to calm down. I came home, and promptly threw up... twice. I was THAT upset.

Through this though, I realized that if I really want to accomplish my dream of one day having an art business, I need to GET IN GEAR. I'd been doing more art this week anyway... even had Mod Podge on my hands two different evenings! (Mod Podge on the hands is a sacred feeling.) So... we are getting serious about art business and debt reduction.

February Goals:

-Play with art and see what I can make, and if anyone shows interest in buying.
-Calculate the debts I have, and make some fun "color me" charts to color my debt-elimination progress
-Continue learning about veggie cooking
-Enjoy married life

I have no idea what I'll do about the job. One day at a time... the longer I work there, the more $ I make. The more $ I make, the less debts I will have. The less debts I have, the less of a slave I am to my job... because debt gives my finances power over me, instead of me having power over my finances. And I'm going to pray about it. That will help more than anything.

Facets

The most enviable writers are those who, quite often unanalytically and unconsciously, have realized that there are different facets to their nature and are able to live and work with now one, now another, in the ascendant. - Dorothea Brande

While reading Shelley's blog yesterday evening, I listened to her describe a new facet of herself she is learning to embrace.

And I thought to myself, "self, this sounds like how you became Jana!"

Today, I will tell you the tale.

Many moons ago, I was known by my "real name" - Janet. Janet seemed to me to be a very boring name, for a very boring person. I felt plain, ugly... just another white-trash girl from a small town. Nothing special. Then... I got internet access! When I first went online, I joined an e-mail group and was promptly given the nickname "JanaBanana"... Jana for short.

I quickly learned that being online opened up a whole new world for me. When I turned on my computer, I was no longer limited by my situation. Jana could be ANYONE SHE WANTED!!!! Thus, my "inner Jana" began to take shape.

Janet laughed to hide her pain... Jana faced it with courage. Janet let people hurt her, because she felt helpless... Jana stood up for herself. Janet had been told all of her life that she'd never amount to anything... Jana felt like she could do anything and everything! Janet hid all of her creative works away from a world she feared... Jana embraced her creativity, and refused to care who liked it.

Now, 8 or so years have passed. Slowly but surely, Janet and Jana have become one and the same. Janet is still here, with her insecurities and issues... but with the help of Jana's creativity and strength, Janet has healed and grown. Together... we are becoming whole.

Now, my question for the day:

What facet of your personality would YOU like to tell us about?

Tonight's Achievement:

I played Word Whomp, and now my hubby is addicted. So, unfortunately, am I! LOL

Politics Today - Narrowing the Focus

Okay, my last political post got a little bit chaotic, so I decided to narrow my focus a little today.

In the last post, we asked about legislating morals in general.

Leti quoted us scriptures, showing that some things our country allows are things Christians are forbidden to do in the Bible.

Tammy V quoted from the Bible as well, pointing out that God gave Adam & Eve the gift of "free will" (the ability to choose right or wrong.)

Tammy M pointed out that she values the freedoms we have in this country, and is not entirely comfortable having the government take our individual choices out of our hands.

Kerri said that legislating morality was not the issue... but instead the issue was that our government should take a stand against what the people do not approve of. (Note to Kerri: Do you have any statistics about what percentages of the American people are against abortion and gay marriage?)

Today's political question is:

Does the government have the right to legislate morals for it's citizens?

Share your opinion in our comments section! Mine will be posted during my lunch hour.

We Figured It Out!!!!!

Today, finally, it was warm enough for us to try and get into the crawl space underneath our house to find out why we were losing so much heat.

I say try, because the crawl space was barely large enough for me to get under the house, and then I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get back out. And even if I HAD gotten down there, the "doorway" between the laundry room (where the crawl space trapdoor is) and the rest of the house was filled with pipes and other wierd things.

HOWEVER, as I hung upside down, looking at the crawl space to see if I could see light coming through... I found light all right. A LOT of light.

Apparently our darling doggie, Sarah, thinks it is fun to dig. (We already knew that though.) What we did NOT know, is that she was digging her holes RIGHT BESIDE THE HOUSE, in the little bitty gap between our house and the fence. She dug so much, in fact, that there was a hole about one foot wide and maybe 6 inches tall, where air was getting in under our house! Not to mention the 3 other holes we found around/under the foundation!!!!

We spent our evening plugging those holes (spare boards, lots of dirt, a few random bits of bricks we found) and trying to fix our fence so that our doggie couldn't get out. Unfortunately, when we left for a few minutes later, the doggie met us as we got home... on the sidewalk. OUTSIDE the fence. *sigh* Another day, another battle, eh?

So now we have a doggie who found a way out of the fence, who loves to play in our bags of trash when we take them out.... (not to mention a back yard that badly needs cleaned, thanks to the afore-mentioned doggie. Who, i might add, is cute and chubby, and definately not getting in the trash to find food because she is starved.)

And a burst hot water pipe under the house. (As I hung upside down from the crawl space, I heard rushing water... never a good sound. I shut off the hot water, and voila! It stopped.)

But in happy news... my house is warmer!!!!!!!!!!!!! *happy dance*

Progress!

I am SUPERJANA!!!!!!!

Today, despite the fact that I am not wearing my famed Superwoman undies, I am getting ALL kinds of stuff done around the house. In order to motivate me, I am going to post my progress here throughout the afternoon:

3 loads of laundry washed
Dishes - DONE
Started balancing checkbook
Entered bills in Quicken

Politics Today - Moral Issues

I've been looking over the '08 Presidential Candidates websites today, seeing how they feel about today's topic:

*~*~* MORAL ISSUES *~*~*

And really? I found polar opposites. Some candidates were all about "I feel _____ is wrong, so I will work to make it illegal." Others were all about "_____ isn't wrong, and we will work to give everyone the freedom to do it."

Some say that because they believe the Bible is true, everyone should be forced to live by it's laws. (This reminds me of Sharia law in Muslim countries. Scawy.) Some say that no one has the right to say what moral decisions can and can't be made. (Anarchy! Also scawy.) Some say that people should have the freedom to make moral decisions for themselves, and that isn't the government's responsibility to interfere in that unless the moral decision hurts another person.

So my question to you today (which actually was meant to be my "Friday Politics" question, but is a little late obviously) is:

Is it even POSSIBLE to legislate moral behavior?

Look at Prohibition... how did THAT work? My grandparents made some REALLY nice moonshine recipes because of it... so good, in fact, that they kept at it after prohibition ended! lol By outlawing abortion, will there be less abortions... or will the same amount just be done in back alleys with no safety? By forbidding gay marriage, will everyone automatically turn straight? (I'm giggling at this one.)

Obviously you can see my opinion.... so now, I want to know YOURS! :o)

A Post in Pictures

So what have i been doing in the recent past that has kept me so quiet??? Well, first of all, it's been SO STINKIN' COLD IN THIS HOUSE!!!!!!!

What is my secret to enduring the cold??

My beloved POOH SLIPPERS!

I also knitted my second dishcloth! It is number 2 out of 12 that I set as goals for myself this year.

And last but not least, a list I'm on has declared January to be the month of creating baby things! So, here are the baby booties I have knitted/crocheted so far! (As you can see, three of the pair are massively oversized, but oh well. Someone will still need them I'm sure.)

I was also going to send a pic in of my FIRST HICKEY EVER!!!! I'm so proud of it. Unfortunately, it didn't photograph well, and it's cold in this room, so I'm giving up and going to go watch TV and finish reading my book in the NICE WARM BEDROOM!

Adios for now!

Faith and Politics

I have developed a very nice interest in politics, since the campaigning for the upcoming presidential primaries has gotten into full swing.

I'm planning to start putting some of this political stuff on my blog, and wondered if any of you had put political things on your blog, and what advice you might have about keeping peace on your posts?

So, stay tuned on my blog to hear deep thoughts like:

Is it sacrilege to be a Christian Democrat?

Why did my friend say Obama is the AntiChrist?

Why can African-American Christians be Democrats, and it's acceptable, but I can't?

Why I *heart* Obama.

Which would be better: Making all abortions illegal, or educating young women and giving them better access to contraceptives?

And much, much, more!!!!! :)

In the meantime... a quiz!

Who You Should Vote For

Barack Obama: 56% Dennis Kucinich: 56% John Edwards: 50% Mike Gravel: 50% Hillary Clinton: 38% Mike Huckabee: 31% Ron Paul: 31% Mitt Romney: 25% Rudy Giuliani: 25% John McCain: 19% Who you agree with on the war in Iraq: Rudy Giuliani, Mike Huckabee, John McCain and Mitt Romney Who you agree with on the economy: John Edwards and Barack Obama Who you agree with on health care: Barack Obama Who you agree with on taxes: Dennis Kucinich Who you agree with on abortion: Ron Paul Who you agree with on gay rights: Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, Rudy Giuliani, Mike Gravel, Dennis Kucinich, and Barack Obama

Who Should You Vote For?

I Miss You Dad.

You've been gone 11 months now
Almost a year.

The cold weather,
The white snow,
Rremind me of you...

The cold was bitter
Snow and ice covered the parking lot
A nurse helped me carry your things
and my things
Out to the car.

I pulled out of the lot,
Exhausted
Drained
Unable to grasp the reality

You were gone.

Awwwwwwwwww..

When I came home, my hubby met me...

and offered me a nice, HOT shower.

HE GOT THE PIPES THAWED OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In My News....

I have the hiccups.

We're having a major cold spell here in Indiana... not only have there been record low temps OUTSIDE... but there have been record lows INSIDE our house too. Our new record? 52 degrees. All of our pipes have frozen... even pipes that have never frozen before!!!!! The only water we still have is cold water to the bathroom sink and toilet. The advantage of this? The bedroom is the only warm room in the house, so we are forced to spend all of our time in there. :)

We bought and watched the Family Guy: Blue Harvest. It was okay, but not NEARLY as good as I expected. Especially Stewie... I expected so much better of him!

We watched Rambo 1, and it was surprisingly good! Who knew???

I cooked several times this week... the results?
Bachelor's delight chicken - sucked
Unstuffed cabbage - EDIBLE!!!! *shout of victory*

(I made something else, but don't remember what. I think it sucked too though.)

I'm over half-way through knitting my second dishcloth for the year! (#2 of 12! Go me!)

I'm loving married life. It rocks!!!!!!!!!

Swaping Loveliness

I joined a swap over at the JustBeConnected site, and this week I got my box in the mail! It was a Random Re-gift Swap, which means we went through our art supplies and other fun things, and passed things along to the other person! Soooooooo... I opened the box, and look what i found:

A little box with a handle!

Inside of him, I found WORD TILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Have I mentioned how much I LOVE words?????? How I love including words in anything artistic I make??!!!!) And Bride & Groom scrapbooking stickers, which I'll use when I finish my wedding scrapbook started by my Aunt Martha!!!!!!

And stamps! Also to be used in the scrapbook!!!!! Aren't they awesome?! And a scrub, to keep my stamps clean after use!!

And YARN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I absolutely adore the fuzzy yarn... I cuddled it for a very long while. So pretty... I think I will make him into some baby booties?


And she gave me a BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A book for KNITTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *excited*

And last, but definately not least.... she got me a COOKBOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A VEGETARIAN cookbook!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *mouth watering*

Thanks SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much Robin, for all the presents!!! I feel like I was sent a box by my best friend, because everything in it I LOVED!!!!!! Thanks for taking the time to get to know me, and sending such awesomely lovely stuff!!!!!! *hugs*

The Endo Journey

Well, I have a million happy things to write about on here, but the pictures that go with these things are all on my computer at home. And I am still at work. Soooo... expect a funner post later tonight! :)

For now, I'm gonna blog on here a sec about endometriosis.

MedlinePlus says:

Endometriosis is a problem affecting a woman's uterus - the place where a baby grows when she's pregnant. Endometriosis is when the kind of tissue that normally lines the uterus grows somewhere else. It can grow on the ovaries, behind the uterus or on the bowels or bladder. Rarely, it grows in other parts of the body. This "misplaced" tissue can cause pain, infertility and very heavy periods. The pain is usually in the abdomen, lower back or pelvic areas.

For me:

Young teen - I had crazy-heavy periods, with a ton of pain. As I got older the bleeding wasn't as heavy, and I learned that taking Aleve at certain times helped with the pain.

Age 17 - I went to the doctor with severe pain. The doctor said I had IBS, told me to take a warm bath, and sent me home.

Age 18 - Symtoms were still there at random intervals... one day, when they were especially bad, I went to the ER. The pap smear hurt so bad that the nurse cried WITH me. The doctor? He just said I might have a cervical infection that just wasn't showing up on their tests. He told me to make an appointment with my family doctor.

Age 18 - Sent to first GYN. His verdict? Nothing was wrong. (Loser piece of crap doctor!)

Age 20 - Went to ER in Chicago. sent to GYN #2

Age 20 - Went to GYN in Chicago. Said it was "all in my head."

I gave up... maybe it was just all in my head. Maybe I was just dysfunctional, and there really wasn't anything wrong with my body. I gave up on finding out on what was wrong, or getting a cure... and just learned to live with the pain. Maybe it was just IBS...

And then, I had sex. And it HURT LIKE HADES!!! Not like the first-time-with-a-man pain... Like "OMG you just rubbed salt in my wound repeatedly" level of pain. And I have a high pain tolerance!

So here I am today... newly married, and unable to enjoy sex with my husband. The new doctor diagnosed me with endometriosis, and put me on birth control pills....

Since starting the birth control pills, I have noticed that I have pretty much every possible side effect listed on the box. Nausea, mood swings, tiredness, as well as tenderness in... well... every part of my body that gives even remotely pleasureable sensations. And the doctor says there is no other birth control that will work better, except Depo... and it's effects last for THREE MONTHS!!!

I have two books about Endo out from the library... I'm reading up on all the ways to treat Endo through nutrition, medication, holistic stuff... even how to deal with the sex issue. (Which, BTW, has me feeling like absolute crap. What kind of wife am I? Every time my hubby touches me, I wince. Since I got on the pill, EVERYTHING hurts! THIS IS NOT WHAT MARRIED LIFE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!!!!!)

I'm fighting depression, from the hormones, the adjustment to marriage, and life in general... and today, life is just hard. But I have books to help me... I'm sure there are others out there blogging who have Endo too... they have support groups... I just need to reach out, and see what I find.

There's no where else to go from here, but UP!!!! :)

Mondo Beyondo

While surfing on Daisies blog, I stumbled onto a project called Mondo Beyondo. I decided to join... so to close out 2007 officially, I'm going to post some questions she asked and my answers:

Mondo Beyondo 2008 Part One: Completing

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007?

In 2007, I faced the death of my Father, and survived and even grew from the experience. I learned a ton about myself in 2007... Hmm... i think I'll read my blog and put some updates on here:


In January:
Took my first painting class.
Envisioned my future, and began working to make it a reality.
Began to deal with the abuse of my father, and the fear it left behind.


In Febuary:
My dad fell out of his wheelchair, and was hospitalized.
I did a deep analysis of my emotions and their "on/off switch"
I got the call that eventually changed my life.
I made the decision to turn off my father's life support.


In March:
I coped with the wierd timing of grief.
Won my first battle with the ivy in my back yard
Found my lost hope!
Battled the evil Demons-of-Loan-getting


In April:
I committed to being open with my grief, and asked for support.
I noticed a connection between housecleaning and shame.


In May:
I redefined what "family" is to me.
Became the OFFICIAL owner of my home!
Cut my leg on dirt.
Bonded with my cousin Jane.


In June:
I had a chance encounter that filled me with my father's love.
Realized my detachment was a serious problem.
Bought an amazing new digital camera.
I became ENGAGED!


In July:
I closed one chapter in my life, and started another.
Bonded with my Mommy.
Examined my abuse-related anger.


In August:
I learned the healing power of shared grief.
I fought, and lost, the second battle with poison ivy.
I taught Jakey cool expressions to say.


In September:
My Ohana (family) grew!
My local Ohana did nice things for me!


In October:
I had counseling, and made progress!
I went to the Creative Bazaar!
I found out the bank had completely screwed me over.
I became a dark elf.


In November:
I collaged an ornament!
My local Ohana cracked... split... and in December, eventually they all drifted when I needed them most.
Emotionally bottomed out.

In December:
I had an ephiphany!
I hosted the Week of Remembrance.
Had nightmares about my wedding.

So, my year in review.... I learned A TON of artistic skills, stepped out of my comfort zone, and found ways to put my HEART into my ART. I faced the death of my father and the death of my Ohana... and emerged having learned amazing things about myself and those around me. One of the hardest, most life-changing, and DEFINATELY most rewarding years of my life!

2. What is there to grieve about 2007?

I lost my Father in 2007... and when he was sick, I talked to my dad's girlfriend, and she mentioned the things he had done to her... how he'd treated her... negative things for sure. I joined the conversation... and I fear that he heard it and that is why he died. I fear that is why I never "hear" from him like other people do from their loved ones. But really... after that, I told him how much I DID love him... how I wanted him to hold on, how I needed him.... and tears rolled down his cheeks. I know he heard that, too. I know he felt me by his side every time visiting hours were opened... heard me singing to him, reading to him, and just being there... So today I am forgiving myself.

I am still grieving the loss of my Ohana... still fighting the fear that it crumbled because I was not enough to keep everyone together... that if I had prayed more, been there more, not going to Massachusetts,... we would still be an Ohana. I'm grieving the loss of their help in making wedding preparations, and all of the fun that could have been. But it's over... and I have DEFINATELY learned some lessons from this.

3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete? I need... to thank God for a very interesting 2007... and especially say "THANK GOD IT'S OVER!!!!!!!" lol

I declare 2007 complete!!!!!!!!!!

(Tears are honestly rolling down my face as I say that.... it's so powerful to close that painful chapter of my past, know that it's my past... and that the future is wide open to new dreams!!!)

Thanks so much Andrea, for thinking this up!

Mmmmm.... Tasty!

You all will not believe what I found on my porch earlier this week!!!!!!



A cookbook!!!! From Mimmsical Tammy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Thank you SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!!!! *very big hug to Mimmsical Tammy*)



It's called Healthy Cooking for Two, and it is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



But I must warn you that some scary things have started happening to me since I opened that book and began reading.

First of all.... I started to read a list of "should have" spices & ingredients... and since I couldn't find mine to tell if I had them or not... i began organizing a cabinet!




Including the spices! I organized them in alphabettical order on the bottom, and wierd spice mixes (cajun spice, italian seasoning, etc) on the top shelf...

And then, while I was at it, I cleaned and organized my refrigerator!!!!
Then I started reading a little more, and remembered that I had just bought some chicken breasts... and look! Here was a recipe for chicken stock! I could make that! So I did....



And while I was at it, I made a cream of cauliflaur/brocoli/mushroom soup! Quite tasty... (after i thickened it) I'm eating that now!

Then, since I was already slicing and dicing veggies, I decided to get us some salad ingredients prepped and in little baggies for us to take to work!

For James, he choose a bag of Classic Romaine lettuce, and then I bagged up some cherry tomatos, sliced radishes, chopped celery, and mushroom slices.

And for myself, I choose Field Greens, my absolute FAVORITE salad mix!

I sliced some carrots, radishes, & mushrooms, and chopped some celery for me... all ready for us to take to work this week! YUM!

Then, since I had one chicken breast leftover, I marinaded it in some Romano Basil Vinagrette while I diced some potatoes.... and then threw them all in a baking pan together, and baked them for an hour... very yummy after I added salt and pepper!

We even made a little menu plan for the week...

Monday: James - Baked Beef Steaks

Tuesday: Jana - Unstuffed Cabbage

Wednesday: Jana - Batchelor's Prize Chicken

Thursday: Jana - Carolina Casserole

Friday: James - Poor Man's Steak

Mmmm... tasty!

Today...

We're cleaning the house!!!!!

I'm always extra motivated when I post my progress on here, so... so far I have:

Re-installed my memo board
Cleaned behind desk
Started on laundry (Load 4 is washing!)
Washed dishes
Cleaned the kitchen counters
Unpacked the wedding gifts from their boxes
Put stuff on Freecycle
Met a neighbor through Freecycle! (Lorrine, who is the wife of Stuart-who-walks-Fluffy-the-cute-doggie!!!!!)
Collapsed into bed, exhausted! lol

PS, since this isn't a "real" blog post, feel free to browse my cousin Jo's new Ebay sales! Once she gets that going, I will probably take a couple home and then put them on my Etsy site. Aren't they cute?????

Rebuilding

Thanks for all of the hugs everyone.

I'm feeling much better. A lot of drama happened behind the scenes of the wedding, and a lot of feelings were hurt. My friends/bridesmaids hurt me and each other. My family hurt the bridal party & friends., (Especially one of them...), and possibly each other. I think I hurt my family. (I didn't mean for everything to be so chaotic!!! I meant for it to be fun & bonding & ORGANIZED! I don't even know how things got so out-of-control & complicated!) My family hurt James's family. James's family hurt me. I probably hurt some people, without even realizing it. I know I yelled several times. (And no, I'm not sorry for it either lol It takes a LOT to make me yell.)

So, now we are beginning to rebuild peace in our lives... One friendship has been rebuilt so far. We still have several relationships to fix, one shattered self-esteem to repair, lots of people to thank for wonderful things they did to help us, and lots of bridges to build or repair between us and those we love. Oh, and two people are candidates for the "person who needs yelled at loudly" award. More investigation is needed to find out which one should win.

Also, my wonderful cousins (like Cousin Amy) deserve hugs and public kudos, for giving me the MOST BEAUTIFUL RECEPTION EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!! You all SO outdid yourselves! Thanks SOOOO much!

Today...

I'm hurting.

I can't really talk about it here on my blog...

But I need a hug. Badly.

So Proud of.... ME!

Remember forever ago when I ranted about my absolute terror of female exams?

Today was my appointment!! And in spite of the pain, I did NOT cry. I relaxed, obeyed the doctor's orders, and SURVIVED!!!!

The doctor thinks I probably have endometriosis, which could explain the extreme pain during the exam... she's putting me on birth control pills to help, and gave me a numbing cream to use when I need it.

So, to all of you out there who have had sucky GYNs.... THERE IS HOPE! Keep looking! There ARE doctors out there who will listen to your concerns, and actually FIND what's wrong!!! Who knew?!

2008 Goals, Part 2

Wow! It's officially the beginning of my life as a married woman! HOLY CRAP! That's scary.

I'm excited at all the year has to offer... Aunt Martha has offered to help me make a wedding scrapbook! Aunt Clara is going to invite us over for cavatini! Cousins Jo & Brent have Heroes Season 1 on DVD, and said we could borrow it! (I told them we'd just come visit them, and all watch it together!)

I've set my first official goals for 2008... one shouldn't be too awefully hard. I'm on a Monthly Dishcloth Knit-A-Long e-mail list, and I've committed to making all 24 dishclothes (2 per month) with them.

My second goal? I want to learn to cook awesomely cool veggies. Which means, I could really use YOUR help! Anyone have yummy veggie recipes? I want us to change how we eat... to make veggies the star of our meals and meat/potatoes just side dishes. So any veggie/mostly veggie recipes that you have & could share would be AWESOMELY appreciated.

Wedding Pics - Part 1

The pastor asked us to hold hands.

Then he said we could kiss!!!! Check out my ring-bearer's expression: "OMG they're KISSING!"

That is me, in my wedding dress!
James and I together!
Me, my flower girl, and my ring-bearer. I will have a shot of them from the front when I get my photos from my awesomely-lovely cousin Debby.Me tossing the bouquet!

Jess caught it! She was so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We hugged in joy.

And just for fun, Jess and I had to take a fun picture of our famed ghetto booties. Cheyenne took the opportunity to spank Jess with a bouquet! LOL

It is OVER!

We survived the wedding.

Guess what we're gonna do now???

*giggle*

Today....

I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Excuse me, I need to do a happy dance.

*dancing away*

2008 Randomness

Today, as I sit here at work, I'm tossing around some thoughts about this new year. What do I want out of this year? What goals should I set? When Jan 2009 comes around, what do I want to look back and say about this year?


I really don't know at this point, which is okay... I'm not "officially" starting my new year until January 8... the day I get back to work after my honeymoon.

So far, the things that I'm considering would be:

• Set boundaries for my friends - This year, I won't be able to "parent" my friends like before. I'm considering the idea of letting each of them pick one thing for me to help them with, for each 2 month period. One skill I can teach them, that is. I won't be doing things for them anymore... I'll teach them how to do things for themselves.


• Help myself - Since I don't have a lot of people who I can trust to ask to teach me... I need to commit to learning, and teaching myself. I can't teach others, if I never let myself learn. I would like to commit to spending 15 minutes per day learning about things I know I need... books on cooking veggies, blogs challenging people to better themselves, a meal with a mentor,...

I KNOW that my goals for the year need to include:

• God - I've ignored all things spiritual for quite a while. I really hate living that way. Must find a way to change that.


• Focusing on my marriage - I want my marriage to grow this year... to get to know my husband more deeply, and enjoy the time with just the two of us, before we consider having any kids.


• Art business - I'm not really sure where to go with this at the moment... but I DO want to work toward making money doing creative things, and toward improving my skills. I would like to stay caught up on reading Just Be Connected and Just Be Brave. I would like to maybe try and join one art challenge each month...Handmade Monday, Sunday Scribblings, Inspire Me Thursday, Dishcloth KAL, or who knows what other challenges will arise?!

What about you all? Are you making any resolutions or goals for 2008? Have any of you heard of any goal-making groups other than Creative Every Day? (Which I do plan to join!.)

Wedding Wonderings

Today, I miss my dad. Today it hurts... to know I'm really getting married without him to walk me down the isle... to make jokes to keep me from being nervous, to tell me he's proud of how I turned out... to tell crazy stories repeatedly of my childhood humiliations...

I sat New Years Eve, listening to others talk about how their loved ones speak to them from the grave... and quietly retreated to a bathroom to cry. Even from the grave, I feel abandoned by my father. Even in death, his absense is a knife in my heart.

I know things will be okay... I know you all will say he's there with me... and maybe he is. Maybe I don't hear him because I don't look... Because the pain is too fresh, or too overwhelming. I know that when Saturday comes, I'll walk down the isle with James's uncle... I may cry because my dad isn't the one walking me down, or just snicker at the sight of Uncle Norman in a suit. I know that Saturday will be a day of new beginnings for us, a day of hope, a day for seeing dreams begin for us.

But tonight, I just need to cry a little.

Just in Time...

Help arrived today, in the form of my Mommy and Aunt Clara, here to rescue me from sewing insanity and chaotic house-cleaning. The guest bedroom (aka Crap Central) is now almost entirely clean. All the laundry is done. The dishes are done. I've given away almost everything I own on Freecycle (okay, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration... lol but I did give a lot away). The dress is closer to finished (gotta find the stupid instructions now, to do the next part. I think they're in my car, but since it's dark, I can't search. I'll look tomorrow and get it finished.) Gracie came over to be fitted for her dress, and that is all cut out and ready to sew as soon as I find a bobbin to use for it. (It takes a different color thread.) She also played with the new doctor kit I bought for the kids to play with here, ate some pizza, gave me hugs, colored with glitter crayons, made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, and was just her cute wittle self.

Now I'm exhausted, and going to bed. Nite my wonderful blogging budds, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

HOLY CRAP!!!!!

I'm almost married... Wow!! Dude. That's just wierd.

I had an awesomely fun bridal shower Saturday... received some much-needed gifts (blender, comforter, kitchen utensils, cookbooks) and some much-loved gifts (hand-embroidered towel set, with cute wittle froggies.)

Still working on my dress... the tension was off, and so I had to rip out every seam and re-sew it. almost done fixing that, then it goes to Aunt Martha's house tonight to have the zipper put in. Then... we'll pin it where it needs tucked, sew the hem up... and we'll be DONE!!!! *happy clap*

So much to do in the next 5 days... and then I'll be a married woman! HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!

Facebook?

I have become completely obsessed with facebook in the last few weeks. Are any of you on there? Let me know and we'll connect!

VICTORY IS MINE!!!!!!!

The dress material, is finally, PINNED!!!!!!!

Tomorrow Aunt Martha will check it over for me and make sure I have it pinned right... and then we'll cut out the pieces and begin SEWING! *happy clap*

Thanks Nina for all of your help and advice during the process!!! It meant SO MUCH to me.

Thanks Amy for letting me whine to you unceasingly.

Thanks Alison for checking on me.

Thanks Leti for lightening my mood IMMENSELY by distracting me with Star Trek conversations.

Thanks to all of you for helping me make it through today, and on to.... tomorrow!!!!! :)

Goals???? OMW!!!!!

I was happily going about my day (after realizing half of my depression was because of PMS!!! I've never been in such a hurry to have my period here... and gone! lol) when I saw this post at Ellie's blog.

And I realized....

Four days after this new year starts, I will be a married woman. A MARRIED WOMAN!!!! HOLY CRAP!!!!!

What kind of goals/resolutions do you married women set for your relationships?

I need to work on my new years resolutions for this year.... (*thinking* resolution #1 - Eat lots of chocolate)

Better Days...

Last night I went home, and SLEPT.... it was wonderful. I read half of a Star Trek novel, and then slept some more.

I did not do any form of wedding preparations.

And you know what? I didn't care. Lol

Today is a new day... full of Freecycle pickups as I clean the crap out of my house... dropoffs of junk at charities... laundry catch-up... and wedding dress pattern pinning. (I refuse to cut anything until my mommy has checked for mistakes.)

I've decided that I can't keep pushing myself like I have been... I've literally pushed myself until I've made myself sick... twice. The wedding will go on if my house isn't clean... my friends & relatives will deal with the mess. (It's not what I wanted... if I can't get the church decorated... if Brit can't/wont do my hair or the bridesmaids... if I don't get the church invited until Sunday... if I don't get all the invitations sent out that i meant to...

The wedding will not go on, if I am hospitalized for unmercifully abusing my body until it gives out.

Goal #1 of wedding preps is now to keep myself healthy and sane.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still seriously depressed... I think this is the worst I've been since my Dad died. I can't talk to anyone about it... when I try, I just get laughing comments about "wedding issues" and "Bridezilla". My friends have pretty much abandoned me, and I'm sure my mom is tired of listening to me whine.

So, I could use hugs today.

A Little Sad Today

Months ago, we all sat around with my wedding book... talking about all that we would do together, the nights sewing dresses and making decorations... all the fun we would have together....


Here I am today... alone. Making invitations... alone. Planning everything... alone. My friends helped me (with grumbling) one day with invitations. I've spent every day since then planning & doing wedding stuff.... alone.

Months ago, my house was continually filled with people. Now, when I need them, those people are nowhere to be found.

I had no idea that planning a wedding would be... lonely.

In happier news, some of my family have gone above and beyond in helping me... my mom spent all day Monday helping me get "moved in"... (Since I never really moved into the house after the roomate moved out, the house has gotten pretty chaotic.) She also helped me a TON with the dress. My cousins Debby & Amy are helping with a ton of details & reception things... which is a HUGEEEEEEEE help.

I guess, you really do find out who your friends are.

It's Christmas!

And I have the flu. Bleck.

Happy News!!!

Tonight I finished test wedding dress pattern #2!! It worked just fine, although rather plain at this point.

Now comes the fun part....

EXPERIMENTING!!!!!!!

I'll be trying out sashes, and tucks, and flowery embellishments, and all kinds of fun things!

A Night To Remember

Tonight was our company Christmas party... full of laughter, good food, and more laughter. I tried Rahmschnitzel, which is spelled wrong I'm sure, but tasted SO good. James tried jagerschnizel, which was okay. We had some black forest cake, which was.... interesting. (I won't get it again, next year I'll get the butter torte, which looked heavenly.)

What I'll remember most of all though, is what totally made my night. There is a man at work who I'm close too. He's a hunter, always cooking up some kind of venison creation... which, BTW, are DIVINE!!!! Deer Cheesyburger is one of the best foods I've ever eaten. Anyway, this guy is always feeding me, doing nice things for me...

Tonight was the first time he had met James, and they got along SO good. They chatted all throughout the meal... and at the end, as we were walking out to the car, this guy gave me a hug, and told me he really liked James and wished us all the best. That meant THE WORLD to me... since my father died, he's stepped into that role a little bit. His approval of James meant the absolute world to me... as did his threats to James of what would ever happen if James hurt me!!!! LOL

I am so blessed.

Relatively Calm

Today has gone a lot better than the previous days, so far. I am about 80% done with the invitations now... just a few more to glue, then check the names off of the list, and mail them out. Whew.

The next battle is getting the house clean... which is unfortunately necessary. Christmas day is going to be at my house, as is (I think) my bridal shower, and part 2 of my batchelorette party. Oh, and the night-before-the-wedding flower-arranging party. Can't forget that :)

So, tonights goals are:
*Mail remaining invitations - All but 7 are done, and those are in my purse
*Make Ramen for the animals (they love beef ramen! How wierd is that?!) - Done
*Eat - Done
*Clean the living room, if I have time left
*give myself a manicure and pampering session
*Watch NCIS - Done
*Sleep

Inside my Defenses

As the stresses of the wedding become more overwhelming, I am learning a lot about myself and my defenses.

Last Friday, when I was supposed to be going to get my marriage license application and planning Brit's baby shower, (and was actually panicing about how to get everything done) I made a quick stop at a thrift store to buy some little socks for baby Hannah. I found the bin of unsorted random baby clothes, looked for wittle socks... became annoyed by the disorder...

And began to fold and stack the baby clothes. By the time I left, the baby clothes were no longer unorganized in the bin. The little baby clothes were in a little stack in a corner. The toddler clothes were in neat, organized stacks, according to their gender, clothing type, and size. I wasted an hour or more of my precious time. I didn't make it to the courthouse in time to get the license. I only found two pairs of socks in the entire bin. But I DID feel better. I also got compliments (and wierd looks, obviously lol) from random people passing the bin.

Today I found myself scrubbing the sink at work, for no aparent reason. I just wanted it to be "right."

I've found myself withdrawing inside myself... spinning fantasy worlds to hide in. Always, there is a problem... a slave girl running from her master, a woman being beaten by her husband,... and always, I am able to rescue them. I always have just what they need. I'm always enough.

I'm afraid that in my "real" life, I'm not enough. The problems in my own life seem to multiply to rapidly to fix. Each time one thing is fixed, another thing or two breaks. I'm afraid that I can't rescue myself.

I'm realizing how brave I was to decide on a real wedding. Weddings are first and foremost social occasions. I know nothing about social niceties. This is the area of my life in which I feel the most inadequate.

I have no idea what to do about all of this... I don't think taking a higher dose of happy pills will fix this problem... I need to learn healthy ways to deal with these feelings of inadequacy. I need to to be "enough" for myself.

Invitations!!

Today is invitation-mailing day.... so I'm keeping you updated here with my progress: (which keeps me motivated and inspired)

Invitations designed: 50
Invitations pasted on: 50
Envelopes addressed: 52
Addresses to look up: 10 or Less
Envelopes for Brit to address: 6
Envelopes sealed: 45

Check back for more updates!

The Dream

I am in an unfamiliar nursing home. A person in a wheelchair in front of me turns around to chat. We have something we need to do, so we start down a hallway. Another person grabs her wheelchair, and begins to pull her down the hall. She turns and grabs my chair, and our little group takes off. I look in the doorways, searching for my grandma's room. This act feels familiar... I've dreamed this before. We pass my Aunt Ferol, and I duck my head. I vow that on the way back I will stop to tell her about the wedding.

The wedding is over, and the reception has begun. Suddenly I realize we haven't had the group photos done. I race through the church to find and change back into my dress. Along the way, I find my father and tell him to put his dress clothes back on. His hair and beard are dark, and he is healthy. I also find my mother, sitting in a wedding dress in a pew. I cannot, however, find my cousin, who is supposed to be doing these pictures. I complain to my mom "And people wonder why I don't trust my family... they don't get paid, so they forget things. I would forget things too." My aunt Barbara hears all of this, and nods in understanding.

I walk into another room, and hear the words "You may now kiss the bride!" I rush around my grandma's coffin, rushing to give James the kiss... but it isn't James. As I take his head in my hands, I realize it is my grandpa, blindly smiling at this. As I let him go, he leans down to kiss my grandma in her coffin.

I wake up, still surrounded by the gloom from my dream, to popping sounds. We have been heating the house with our oven, (leaving it on and the door open) to save on gas bills, just like my roomate and I did during the first part of our winter last year. This morning I realize the popping sounds are coming from the oven... sparks are coming from it. I hurry to shut off the oven, and the sparks subside. I feel ashamed... and distraught. I tried so hard to help our financial situation, and instead I made it worse.

I walk back to my nice warm "bed" on the couch... and stumble over my full glass of water. WHY DOES EVERYTHING GO WRONG?????

I look out the door, at the newly fallen snow... when i wake up this morning, the light will reflect on the snow, sparkling new and clean... the world will be happier, cleaner.... there is hope.

TGIF!

I am still here, alive, and functioning... went to the doctor yesterday and got antibiotics and an inhaler, so I don't feel any better, but at least I HAVE DRUGS!!!!!!! lol

I finished almost everything on my to-do list from earlier this week... still have a little cleaning to do, but I got a LOT done tonight.


Wedding plans are coming along... I have the invitations ready to print, and James is out getting me some new ink for my printer. And Taco Bell... *happy sigh* What a man!

Now I'm off to feast on my Taco Bell, get to bed... and get all my invitations mailed out tomorrow! YIPPEE!

The Best Laid Plans....

The best laid plans never work. Why do I try?

I stressed myself out last night with my to-do list, and about 9:30 I felt myself really getting sick... Now i've been sick since Thanksgiving, but this felt different... the coughs were deeper and a bit scary, and I'd started to have chills and stuff. So what did I do?

I laid down on the couch, with my little blankie... and watched Cane. Really good!!! But no sleep. And then I read, because I still couldn't sleep.

So today, I left work after being there for only an hour. *sigh* But I'm at home, Brit is here, Gracie is here, and we've declared it an ART DAY!!!!! *happy clap*

Deep Thoughts

So far, one of the things I am loving the most about the Week of Remembrance is that every night before bed, I am forced to stop... to take a good honest look at my emotions... and deal with them. For my normally detached self, this has been an awesome experience. I want to find a way to continue this emotional-exploration, long after this week is done.

At the moment... we have officially filled out our application for a marriage license, and have all of the paperwork ready for the wedding day. Several times throughout the day, we asked each other if we were really ready for this... it seemed so natural for us to be married... but suddenly the reality of the situation is sinking in. I'm committing to this person... to wake up to him every morning, to possibly have children with him... it's so exciting! It's so UTTERLY TERRIFYING!!!! Holy Crap. What am I thinking??? I know all brides-to-be feel that way, but wow. It's a bit scawy.

The pace of my life has been dramatically fast forwarded again, so today, I'm going to have to be very organized. I'm making myself a little to-do list and posting it here, so I can update it throughout the evening. That helps me SO much, to be able to tell you all what I've accomplished. (These will not all be done, BTW, but I want to make some progress on each of them and hopefully get some finished.)

Tonight's goals:

• Chat with Brit's aunt, to get help with the shower - Done!
• Invite all Brit's family, via phone, to the shower - Done
• Clean living room - 65%
• Type up invitations - Done!
• Find sleeve patterns for wedding dress. - Done, sort of! Found a shrug to make instead!
• Call cousins to figure out wedding stuff - Done! Chatted online.
• Eat - Done!
• Sleep - On my way to do that NOW! lol
• Watch NCIS - Done
• Pay electric bill - Done!
• Pay car payment - Done!
• Do Dishes - 60%

In Remembrance - Day 2

Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught
heart, and bids it break. - William Shakespeare

I don't know how to discuss my dad in my real life... I don't know how to explain that I loved him with all of my heart, and hated him with a violence few people can imagine me ever experiencing.

I say this is my first Christmas without him... you think of pleasant memories of Christmases gone by. I remember the warm fuzzy memories of Christmas mornings... the thrill of looking in the stocking and opening up the packages... eating Christmas breakfast together...

But by afternoon or evening, he always changed. His temper would erupt, he'd yell, scream, throw things... he'd threaten suicide, or murder...

My memories of him are all double-sided... the good husband and father, who ran as fast as he could from the pain he couldn't deal with... and the violent abuser, who took out the pain out on all around him.

Today James and I applied for our marriage licence... and for the first time, I wrote the word "deceased" next to my father's name. I feel so much anger at his death sometimes... he should have been here with me! I'm only 27... I'm starting my adult life, renovating a house, embarking on an exciting (but scary) adventure called "marriage"... and I need my Daddy.

I don't understand why he had to pass away when he did. He was getting SO much better, physically AND emotionally. He'd been taking anti-depressants, and was mellowing out quite a bit! We could talk for longer and longer periods of time, without our conversations leading into suicide or ramblings about his guilt from the past. I learned so much about him in the last couple of years... we talked about books, history, life... I'd finally stopped dreading the prospect of a future with him in it (will he ruin my wedding? Should he be allowed around my children?) and as he began to allow himself to heal, our relationship began to heal too.

And now he's gone... and I'm left here, to go on without him.

In Remembrance - Day 1

This week is The Week of Remembrance, and so if you'll pardon me for a bit, I'd like to share with you a little about my dad.

My dad was my hero for most of my life... with his easy laughter and teasing ways, he was a little girls dream. I remember so many good times with him... learning about how the engine of a mower ran, inhaling the scent of sawdust as we cut firewood, and the stillness of the woods around us as we hunted for mushrooms.

In spite of all of the evils he did, this is the father I miss... him hugging me to him, telling me that he loved me... teasing me about this or that... long evenings spent around the kitchen table with his friends, playing Uno or Euchre...

This year, I don't know how to grieve for the loss of my father... I can't mourn my first Christmas without him, since I haven't spent a Christmas with him in over ten years. I can't mourn an annual Christmas chat over the phone, since we rarely called each other during the Christmas season. My father was severely depressed during the holidays, and listening to his plans for suicide was NOT my idea of holiday cheer.

My feelings about my father are so conflicting... I'm not sure what to even feel. Especially during the holidays. I can't really mourn what was... but I mourn what never will be. I mourn his first time meeting my future husband... the look on his face when he saw my first child... him beside me as I walk down the isle on my wedding day... I mourn the Christmas dinners we could have invited him to, and the holiday spirit that comes to even the most depressed heart when children become involved in the celebrations. I miss his wisdom in helping me to fix up the house... the best hunting spots he and I could have shown to James... the hours they would have spent happily tinkering on cars together as I went about my days.

I miss the Dad I always dreamed of having.

My Friends Came Through!!!!

It's 1 AM here in JanaLand, and the house is quiet. After panicing all day yesterday, I woke up quite late this morning. Ran around the house in a panic, cleaning and trying to get everything ready for my long-awaited invitation-making party!

So, who showed up???


Baby Hannah showed up!!!!! And look, she was even wearing the hat I crocheted for her!!!

I held her for a while.....

Cuddled her and marveled at her cuteness... (and the cuteness of Jakey and Big Sis Gracie, who are in the background of this pic)

Watched her as she slept peacefully in my arms...

Oh, and some grownups showed up too!!!!

Brit, the great artist, is in the midst of a masterpiece. AND, she just started her first blog tonight!!! Feel free to stop in at her blog and read about her hilarious adventures.

My mommy (aka Momma Wall) and Kim were here too!!!!

After the initial time spent getting everything set up (the word "Bridezilla" was used several times... which hurt a little. I'm not sure why.), we got a lot of invitations made....

(Brit made this one.)

(I made this one!)

(I made this one, too!)

(Brit made this one!)

And had a lot of fun. I've missed my Ohana SO much... and it really meant a lot to me to know that I wasn't in all of this alone.

We have the bulk of the urgent invitations ready to ship out as soon as the date is confirmed. (Talking to the pastor one last time tomorrow. I'm worried about that, and not sure why.) Each invitation was made buy us, each one was made differently, and we had a lot of fun with it. My life's main stresses have been lowered to a level I can deal with, and after all of this, I'm glad I took the leap of faith and asked for help.

Announcing: The Week of Remembrance

The holidays can be a very hard times for those mourning a loss. The grief can make you feel so alone, and others may not know how to help you keep the memory of your loved one around through the normally joyous times.

This year, I would like to take one week to remember those who are no longer with us. A week to support one another, talk about those we have lost, and to show each other that we are not alone in our pain.

Would you like to participate?

The Week of Rememberance will begin Sunday, December 9th, and run until Saturday, December 15th.

Leave a comment here in this post, and I will add you to the list of participants.

Feel free to show your participation on your blog by posting this lit candle graphic (donated by the amazingly talented Suzie).


Post as much, or as little, as you want about the person you love through this week. Visit the blogs of others as much or as little as you feel able.

Lets support each other through these holidays.

Participants:

Ellie - A Mother & Daughter Prospective
Suzie - Suzie's Sacred Space

A Leap of Faith

Today, I'm contemplating an enourmous gamble.

A wedding in one month can't be done alone... it requires a leap of faith. Faith that those who have promised to help, will follow through.

I'm scared out of my mind... I live my life as independantly as possible at all times. I protect myself with isolation and self-sufficiency. I do everything I can to make sure I NEVER need anyone.

But right now, I DO need others. My friends all said they'd help any way they could... so tomorrow I am having an "Invitation-Making Party". (Bribe friends with food & games= get more help)

So far, one adult is definately coming to help, and one of "my kids" is coming to watch the adult's child. James should be able to be there, but I'm not sure how much he will be able to do, of the girly-swirly artsy invitation-making. And making the nice invitations is VERY important to me... I think being able to pull that off, knowing that my friends haven't failed me (at least, I hope I'll be able to say that.) will give the confidence I need to know that I can pull this wedding off.

I don't understand how I can work so hard to be the friend who never fails th others... and be so completely terrified that when I finally need my friends not to fail me... they will. I don't even know how to communicate to them how badly I need their help. If I am honest about how desperately I do need them, I feel melodramatic and needy. If I sugar-coat the need, they won't see how badly I do need them.

This is a huge leap of faith of me... and ya know what? I'm proud of myself for trying. And if they do fail me, yes I'll be deeply hurt, and disappointed... but I'll live. And maybe if they do fail, James's family will be able to help... *plotting alternative invitation-making strategies*

I DID IT!!!!!!!

I have officially not only started to make my wedding dress from the test material (freeform, because patterns make me want to shoot things.) but IT ACTUALLY IS WORKING!!!!!! After less than 4 hours of working on it, while watching TV, I have the design for the top done, AND the dress is the correct length!

If you want pics, you'll have to give me your e-mail addy though, since James DOES read this blog!!!!!! *waving to James*

But so that you don't feel TOO deprived, here is a pic of the bib I made last week. It's about the right size for babies over 4 months old, and was so cute that I'm making more for my etsy shop!!! A purple one and a pink one are currently being crocheted!

Wellness Wednesday

This week, I decided to join the bloggers doing Wellness Wednesday.

So, where am I, health-wise?

I am completely out of shape.

I drink far too much soda.

My immune system is very very weak.

I have a ton of energy! (even without the soda LOL)

My cholesterol is twice what it should be.

I have a habit of eating extremely unhealthy foods.

What am I doing about it?

This Monday, I made one small change. I stopped buying Movie Theatre Butter popcorn, and began eating oatmeal for breakfast instead. My boss had all kinds of good suggestions for ways to make the oatmeal taste better. The ones I've tried:

Peanut butter & Splenda (Kinda boring)

Peanut butter, raisins, & splenda (MUCH better!)

Craisins & splenda (Pretty tasty)

Tomorrow I plan to try it with pieces of cut up apple in it, and some cinnamon... mmmm....

Anyone have any other oatmeal suggestions?

If your success is not on your own terms, if it looks good to the world but does not feel good in your heart, it is not success at all. - Anna Quindlen

Today is turning out to be a rather interesting day. The bosses are both gone at work, my coworker is gone, and all of my work is done. So, while the bosses are away... what is the Jana doing??

• Wedding planning! We've decided to try and move the date up... we wanted to have it on Dec 29, but that didn't work out... now we're talking about sometime at the beginning of January.
• Baby shower planning! Brit's shower is this Sunday, and I have so much to do! I'm way excited!!!
• Winter cleaning - my inboxes are absolutely PACKED with e-mails. Some are read and just not filed/deleted. Some are read and not replied to. Some, *blushing* are not even read yet.
• Remembering - Do you all realize that the comments you leave on my blog are e-mailed to me?? I have like 350 of them living in my e-mail inbox! Today, I'm going through them... reading them and feeling your love, and putting the best into a special folder.
• Bloghopping - it's been forever since I just randomly bloghopped!! I plan to do some of that today, as I read your comments.
• Enjoying - I have one chance to make this day a "success"... to make the most of every moment... and I plan to do it.

Ephiphanies

Sometimes I feel like I live my life in a fog... going through the motions of everyday life, detached from what's going on around and inside of me... and out of nowhere, a moment of crystal clarity comes.

This time last year, I had one of those moments. I sat at my computer, in the middle of the night... thinking about life, and love... and realizing that James WAS my one and only... my once in a lifetime. I remember how scared and excited I was... to realize that he was THE ONE. (It only took me 3 years... holy crap I'm dense sometimes!!!) I even put it on my goal list... and blogged about the results of that!

And now, almost exactly a year from that date... it happened again. James came over this afternoon and then left this evening... the house was quiet... I watched a Hallmark movie... and suddenly had an ephiphany. (Which was totally un-related to the movie, wierdly enough.)

Life is SO short, so fragile, and so totally unpredictable. We have one shot at this life... and there are no guarantees that tomorrow will come.

I can spend the next six months of my life alone, planning and dreaming of what might come later... or I can jump in, and live my dreams now. Tomorrow isn't promised... I want to enjoy James while I have the chance.

The Best Laid Plans....

Tonight I had a great plan... I would go home, and spend the evening cleaning my house. I would get as much cleaning done as humanly possible, so that tomorrow I'd be free to create and to put items on Etsy and Ebay. (Which I've been meaning to do for QUITE some time.)

And then I turned on the computer.

I got a message from Rafael, a guy from Brazil... a message I'd normally ignore. But for whatever reason, I decided to reply... and my evening changed dramatically. We discussed our lives, our countries... and the deaths of our fathers.

I've felt unable to grieve for my father this holiday season... I knew I needed to honor my grief... but I have felt so deeply detached from my grief. I knew that deep inside of me, I was hurting... I was dreading the holiday season... I was avoiding putting up decorations or participating in any festivities... I didn't want to deal with the first Christmas without my dad. I think the sickness I've had since the day before Thanksgiving may be related to it... my body's way of forcing me to slow down and grieve.

Today, as I chatted with Rafael, and read Shelley's blog... my grief finally surfaced. I am making plans for how to honor my father's memory this Christmas... to share the grief with others who knew him... and to find holiday joy through the pain.

To those of you who have grieved in the past, do you have any suggestions for honoring the memory of a loved one during the holidays?

Budding Obsessions

Yes, I do have new budding obsessions! Would you like to hear about them? Good!

• Crocheting is quickly becoming an all-consuming obsession! I've currently crocheted most of two bibs (gotta do the edges in a different color, then will scan pics.) and working on crocheting more of these cute little ornaments to put on my Etsy site! (in various colors and various textures... I think I'll sell them in sets of 6 or 12 of matching ones.)

• And speaking of crochet... I found THIS book at the library, and it teaches you about freeform knitting and crochet. Honestly, the INSTANT I saw this book, I KNEW it was what I'd been looking for! I'm hoping/desperately praying/expecting that this book will help me learn how to really put my HEART into what I do. I'm not satisfied to follow other people's patterns forever... I want to be the one MAKING the patterns! Or not even USING patterns!!! Talking about that almost makes me cry.
• And speaking of things that almost make me cry for joy... I'm obsessed with Earl Had To Die, by the Dixie Chicks. Click here to find the lyrics to it... listening to it makes me happy inside.
• And speaking of things that make me happy inside... it's time for me to to babysit Gracie and Baby Hannah for a couple of hours!!! Me and my yarn will return to you all later, after cuddling the wee one and roughhousing with the toddler!