Connection

The theme of my life lately has been connection. I found a book in July, which I would tell you the name of but... where the heck is it?  Anyway, it's about connection, and as you can tell I have not gotten too far in the book. Like... 2 pages. Literally.  That is how well my journey to connecting with others has gone lately. 

I really struggle with letting myself be touched emotionally.  I'm okay with touching others - sharing my pain, my struggle, my humanity... but I am not AT ALL okay with being touchable.  I don't want to leave my house after work.  I don't want to spend time with people.  Some would say this is depression, but honestly - it is me. My earliest social memories involve me making excuses why I did not want to go with my little cousin on great adventures that I knew I would LOVE if I went.  I made excuses so I could stay alone in my house while my parents were working.  Do my chores, then read a book or watch TV or whatever... with no pressure. No working to be what others wanted.  No working to hide emotions that were too intense for the adults in my life to deal with.  Just... being. 

And here I am, years later... my lights are off in my apartment, and I'm alone.  I could talk on FB to friends, or text them, but I would rather not. I could invite a friend over (dear Lord, no, don't even get me started on why people need to stay the heck away from my safe place!), go to a friend's home, or take a friend and go do something I love... but no.  No I am just fine where  am.  Lonely? Yeah... I'd be lying if I said I was not lonely.  I'm just not lonely enough to deal with the stress/risks/demands/drama that social interactions entail.  Guilt for not being more "loveable" is intense - not being a better daughter/wife/friend is overwhelming, and that pressure just makes me want to hide that much more!

I'm getting there. I'm experimenting with slow increases in how I connect with those around me.  Trying to really be present when I am with others, instead of hiding in my emotional "happy place" behind a wall.  Trying to turn off the computer/tv/netflix and really listen when people talk.  

It's a struggle... but I feel like to have the marriage I want, the life I want, I need to get past this wall I put up. How to get past it? Well, one brick at a time sounds like a good start! 

AEDM Day 5

A friend at work basically told me the project I made yesterday was not art, because it didn't express my feelings. After I restrained my inner child, I pondered what feelings art might look like.

Today was a pretty bad day at work, and my mood was black. Anger in me, heartbreak in others, depression in coworkers... My feelings were not the happiest. Oh well, black feelings are probably the funnest to draw.

At the end, even the kitten jumped in (literally) and joined the fun.

Space to Cry

For those of you not on Facebook with me, I should probably update here about my life.  Sunday afternoon we had plans for the husband to visit his mom, while I went to either the cemetery to see my dad's grave, or to visit my mom - I hadn't decided which.   Started to change clothes, and the phone rang.  A woman from my mom's church called me - my mom had fallen down some stairs at the church, and was at the ER.  She fractured her shoulder in two places, and her pelvis in three places. She's now situated in a rehabilitation center (a nursing home, actually.) while she gets therapy and heals.

For three days, I have done all the right things - worried about how we were gonna take care of her if she had to stay with us: Where would she be released to? How would I get her to appointments? What would happen if I missed too many classes or internship hours? What did my mom need in the hospital? Who did I need to call for her? Did I need to pack anything to bring to her?  I visited, made calls, ran errands... I was a good daughter. I did what good daughters do.  (At least I think I did. I have no idea what good daughters do, or are supposed to do, in cases like this.)

Today, I'm tired. I have not let myself really cry or stop to deal with any of this, and as a result, I've lost my emotional equilibrium. I'm filled with doubts, about myself as a person and myself as a daughter. I've seen myself in the eyes of people who knew me when I was a teenager - angry, bitter, depressed, and hurting more than anyone knew how to deal with.  The people at my mom's church at the time looked at me like I was a monster. They loved my mom - she was so good, and sweet, and pure.  What kind of monster could control and verbally abuse her?  They had no idea what I had been through, what she had ALLOWED me to go through. For years and years, their eyes were the measuring stick I held myself up to.  I felt unworthy, dysfunctional, monsterous.... I let people walk all over me, allowed friends to screw me over in a thousand ways, tried to "save" people like I once was... a quest to prove the monster was gone. 

Years and years later, I still am haunted by that.  I still wonder if my mom prays that I not get pregnant, because she is afraid I will abuse my child.  I wonder if God won't let me get pregnant, because he sees the monster inside me too. I'm so sensitive to this crap that after like 2 years of counseling, I still haven't been able to really talk about this.  I'm ashamed of the things I did, the mistakes I made.  A part of me knows that I was an abused child, never given any help or counseling to deal with the trauma, wounded and hurting and lashing out.  A part of me watches the children at my internship with RAD and other explosive disorders, and breaks when I think of the weight that guilt will have on them for the things they have once done. No child deserves to feel like a monster. No child deserves to feel like they are unforgiveable, horrible and unlovable and permanently broken. 

And what about me? How do I forgive myself, for things I am so deeply ashamed of?  How do I form relationships with a person who I hurt so deeply, and who still makes me feel like I need to apologize for them.  How many times do I need to apologize for being a monster, to the person who nurtured the monster and allowed it to grow?

Unloading

Wow, this has been a long week. First week of classes. First week of my internship. First day of a new schedule. First week of hubby's new classes.  A full week of chaos - eating out because there wasn't time to cook, meeting the hubby between classes to say hi...  Crazy. 

And on the subject of crazy, that's pretty much a good sumation of how I'm feeling right now.  I feel really off-balance. The week before classes, we had two days of intense training for the scholarship/job program I joined, and of course in the midst of that, two of my classmates were fighting. I was stuck in the middle, and so hurt and stressed.  Both apologized, but then one is continuing to hate and gossip about the other.  I started off my school week stressed about what to do about that problem, and dreading hearing conversation after conversation about how "Classmate X sucks. Classmate X is such a _____" I was up late worrying/praying about it the night before classes instead of sleeping, in fact. Not an auspicious start to my year. 

Also at the training, we talked about things that made me really worry about my ability to handle the job.  She asked our fears, and I expressed my fear that my own past would hinder my ability to do my job - basically that I would experience PTSD because I would be seeing my own abuse when I worked with kids.  Well, I didn't need to bring that up in the training, because when classes started, I learned that we have a class specifically addressing it. This happens so often, in fact, that there is a name for it. Unfortunately, the class means that I have to deal with my emotional crap in a public setting, which pretty much sucks, for an entire semester. 

All of that was fine, until I started my last class on Thursday, and ran into "The Professor from the Lower Depths of Hell" - the professor who noticably hated another student last year and gave her a grade in the class just one minus below the grade she needed. (I think she needed a C and got a C-). The student is now being held back for a year, to retake that class when it is offered again.  Said professor also noticably hates me... in fact, even though she was only sitting in to help a new professor taking over the class to answer questions, she reacted to my questions in a way that made my friend in the class tell me later "when I saw you raise your hand, I was like 'No! Don't do it!'" I was completely ready to cry by the time she left.
The thing that makes me stop and think about this situation, is the fact that with one simple note from my counselor, I could make her stop.  With one simple note, explaining the reasons that I seem to not be listening even when I am putting my full energy into concentrating on a lecture, she would be legally obligated to leave me the heck alone. But at what cost?  What would it do to my career if this particular professor knew that I have a diagnosed disorder that causes my behavior? Would it make it better, because she knows I'm trying and have an obstacle that just makes it really hard? Would it make it worse, since she knows the problem isn't something that she can fix with her wicked powerful death stare?

Stop!

On the way back from my apartment this week, I encountered a stop light.  I sat in my car, watching the car in front of me, and we waited... waited... waited.... waited... still red.  We waited... waited... I thought about honking and asking the person ahead of me to make a right turn just so we could move, even if it was in the wrong direction... but I waited.... waited.... Finally the car ahead of me moved up to just run the stoplight... and as soon as she moved up, past the white line, it turned green.

Right now my life feels like that intersection. It seems like so many parts of my life have a stop sign.  Healthy eating has been stopped by the heat - it's in the 80s in our apartment, with us not cooking. Cooking vegetables is just out of the question right now.  I'm so disappointed about that. We were doing SO. GOOD.  *sigh* 

My school project seems to have a stop sign.  I was so excited about the voter registration drive we were planning, but now it seems like others in the group aren't taking it seriously.  We have 8 days before our first drive, and I can't get the researchers to look up the laws about what we are and are not allowed to do.  I can't get the group members to read the e-mails from the professor with instructions to our group, to answer my texts, or to check the group facebook page. Our professor has been flipping out, thinking we are going to break the county's rules and cause a huge scandal. I finally sent an e-mail to the professor today, asking her what the consequences would be if I withdrew from the group. I poured my heart into this, I networked with the NAACP, I coordinated the group, I sent facebooks and texts... and now it was all for nothing, because of things out of my control.  There comes a time when you see the train heading for a collision, and you just gotta jump off and let it do what it will do.  So much for having the project done before school starts.

Counseling... wow.  Definately a stop sign.  Had a great session the week before last, about avoidance and detachment. Came in this week ready to conquer the world... No.  Epic counseling fail.  We talked about my blog post about silence, but I just couldn't connect to the emotions I felt when I wrote it.  I knew they were there, but it was like I was seperated from them by a river... I could see them but not touch them, you know?  So I couldn't make her understand why this was important to me.  It came out jumbled and detached and rambly.

I'm wondering if not taking the medicine was a mistake. I feel edgy, and critical of others.  I'm noticing I have started avoiding people more, because I am just not sure of my reactions now. In the end, I think I made the right choice.  I put up with wayyyyyyyy to much crap from people when I am medicated, and that's not okay. I need to get therapy for my issues while it's cheap, so that I'll be a better social worker when I graduate.  Yes, I know I could make it without the counseling, and still be awesome at my job... but I want to be MORE awesome.  Taking medication seems to make the therapy less effective, since my emotions are buried under so many layers of medication, self-protection, etc.

I know eventually the light will turn green, I'll be flying down the road of life and forget this stop light ever happened... so maybe I should just take this opportunity to focus on other things, learn, grow, and prepare myself for the green lights ahead.

Yes!

I was reading a wonderful book this week, I Wore the Ocean in the Shape of a Girl, when I came upon an interesting passage. 

The author, Kelle, was offered a job.  She didn't know what she would be doing. She didn't know if she was qualified to do the job.

She said yes. 

I wish I had the book with me (I had to take it back to the library) to read it to you word for word. It is a really amazing book.  Regardless, I was so inspired as I read this.  I am the queen of self-doubt. I do not take a job until I have double or triple-checked that I can do the job.  I probably pass up jobs and opportunities that I would excel at, just because I am afraid to risk failure. 

What would my life be like if I just said "yes"? Where could my journey go if I just stepped out by faith, and worried about the consequences when they came? How much more could I grow? Who could I become? 

What would YOUR life be like if you just said "yes"?

Silence

I remember the days of silence

locked deep inside myself

terrified of rejection

humiliation

betrayal

I donned a mask of strength

and hid all of me behind it

locked it away

I began to become the mask

gradually forgetting who I was

losing myself entirely

until I forgot who I had ever been

an identity crisis

who was I

what was me and what was the mask

I had no answers

how could I be myself

when I no longer knew who I was

slowly I began to reach inside myself

discovering pieces of the person

I had once been

I learned to embrace the pieces I found

putting together the puzzle of my soul

I met the person I had locked inside

gave her permission to emerge

exploring the world around her

this stranger found her voice

first in a quavering whisper

later in a powerful shout!

encouraging, arguing, sharing

she expressed every part of her being 

with the reckless joy of a child

she shared her hopes, her dreams

she spoke anger

she spoke love

she spoke in words

she spoke in poems

she spoke for herself

and for those still without a voice

she spoke from morning until night

and even spoke in her sleep

fearing that if she stopped for even a moment

she would again be locked away

in silence

Living Nightmare

Exhausted, I laid down to sleep
I was transported into another world
One long forgotten

I was a child again
Smal, vulnerable
Terrified

I searched and searched for my mom
Terrified of what I would find
My father said only
That she was in a restaurant
He wouldn't tell me where, or why

I was trapped in a van with him
Powerless
Terrified
Trying to stand up for my mom
But afraid of the consequences
Trying to tell someone, anyone
who would listen and help

I woke up from this nightmare, completely shaken. This was one of the first times since I married my husband that I had to wake him up from a nightmare... and the first time I had to just have him hold me as I cried.  The scene wasn't real... I never wondered if my dad HAD killed my mom.

As an adult, I had pushed the experiences with my dad into the background of my mind... forgetting the terror, the powerlessness I felt knowing I lived with a man who had the potential to kill.   Waking up from that, I feel so shaken.  I have sat and cried... how could I forget the little girl I once was, and the things she had survived to get here?

The feelings from the nightmare were like a tidal wave that I was completely unprepared for.  A tsunami in the middle of a beautiful sunny day at the beach.

How much of the life I have made is just running from the pain of the past, pretending it isn't there?  What else have I forgotten?

The Pin that Changed Me

So lately I have been completely and utterly obsessed with Pinterest.  I mean COMPLETELY obsessed.

Pinterest is my new happy place.

Some of the things I read on Pinterest really make me think.  Some of them resonate deep down inside. Some of them make me laugh... some make me cry... and some make me look deep inside myself and see things I never noticed before. 

Earlier this week, this pin resonated deeply within me:

Source: dearinspirationblog.blogspot.com via Janet on Pinterest

At the time, I was feeling really down on myself. I had tried to do something really good... and failed in epic fashion.  I had tried to bring unity to a group, and instead people fought, feelings were hurt... and I felt responsible. 

Today, that pin no longer resonates within me.  After emotionally beating myself black and blue, I saw another pin... a pin that made me think about how I was looking at myself. It made me CHANGE how I was looking at myself.

Source: notsalmon.com via Janet on Pinterest

I was not looking at myself in the right way. In the situation I was upset about, there were other participants who were just as deeply responsible for the situation. Grown adults, with the ability to avoid conflict... who could want or not want unity. I am not responsible for the outcome... if I did my best, if my intentions were pure... it's enough.  That's what I learned... from my situation, and from a cute purple pin on Pinterest.

Have YOU learned anything about yourself from joining Pinterest?

Out of Control

Twice in my life I have been so wound up with uncontrolable stress that I have needed to compulsively organize bins in stores.  The first time was right before my wedding (the worst time of my life.) and the second was another day at Walmart. 

Yesterday I almost had to do it again. 

I feel so fragile right now.  I feel like my life is spinning out of control, and so am I.  I'm completely behind on my goals for the summer.  I have sacrificed productivity to avoid lonliness, but now wish for time alone but can't handle it when it comes.

I'm afraid that I'm pregnant.  I'm afraid to believe that I'm pregnant, because what if I'm wrong?  Can I handle the pressure of truly hoping for a pregnancy and then getting the period-of-all-hope-is-lost?  I want to be pregnant, but I feel unprepared.  What the heck does a woman do when she gets pregnant?  I need to read the books about the subject, but who has the time? 

I want to curl up in a small ball and cry, but the work needing to be done in my life screams at me at the top of it's lungs and I can't ignore it long enough to truly rest. 

I can't sleep at night.  I sleep late in the day.  I waste precious hours fighting to sleep and then more hours losing the fight to wake up. 

I really need a vacation, or perhaps this is a delayed result of no happy pills?

I want to ask for help, but the last time someone saw my weak moment, she lost all respect for me.  She said cruel and horrible things that I honestly have not been able to forgive.  I think somewhere along the way I vowed to never again show weakness to a friend, because I never want to be hurt that way again. 

So I badly need help, I feel horribly weak and fragile, but know that reaching out for help is not in any way a possibility. 

This bites.

Buried

What should I write about?

I really hate that question.  I'm trying to blog faithfully, but I feel like all of the emotions and deep things I would like to blog about are buried deep down inside.  I actually feel like somewhere deep underneath all that is going on now and all that I am thinking and feeling on the surface, I'm crying inside.  I feel lonely, but I don't want to call anyone.  I want connection, but I'm afraid of it at the same time. I want to make myself too busy for friendship, but I want friends... I just don't want to be rejected or have drama.  Friends stress me out when I'm not medicated... the work that goes into making all of my friends happy is overwhelming sometimes.

I know, I know... I don't need to make everyone happy... but having someone unhappy with me feels very uncomfortable for me.  It goes against every fiber of my being.

Maybe I should practice making people unhappy, just for fun.  Anyone want to be my victim? hehehehe

Save the Drama...

for your mama.

Today's question at Wishcasting Wednesday is: "What Rules Do You Wish to Make or Break?"

I wish I could break the rule in my head, the one that binds me and keeps me in situations (specifically jobs) where I take abuse, again and again and again... and believe i have ot take it. Maybe my rule is that good girls have to take it... when the coworker insults me, I take it... I don't have the power... I'm trapped by my finances...

Whatever.

As my job draws to a close (thank you GOD - 7 workdays left!) I am amazed at how much I've taken since starting here. I'm shocked and a little sickened to discover just how much of my heart and soul has been sucked out by this job... how heartless others have been, how insulting and demeaning and just completely sick and twisted...

And sick inside to look in the mirror, and see that I really thought I wasn't even worth the effort of fighting back for. Now I'm watching a coworker take on the role of scapegoat in my place... it just makes me sick inside. I see, in retrospect, how my confidence and love of my job was stripped away, one insult at a time... one snide comment... one humiliation...

I want to break the rule that tells me not to fight back. I want to bite with my sarcastic comments right on time, and yell back when I'm yelled at. I want to stand my ground, plant my feet, and say "this is ALL that I will take from you. BACK OFF."

Crossroads

I'm at a crossroad in my life... a million different decisions to make... a million different paths to walk on...

And I'm terrified. Loosing my job has opened up several possibilities to me... the chance to go to school, the chance to try and start my own craft business, or the chance to give my soul back to corporate America and loose myself in it's depths of soulless mind-numbing evil. (I have, as you may tell from my phrasing, not chosen the last option.)

The stress of this much change, of this many decisions, of this many things I feel unqualified to decide about... it's completely overwhelming right at this moment. I want to hide, deep deep deep deep deep inside myself... I want to wait for someone else to make a decision for me, or other doors to close, so I don't have to make a choice.

But that's ridiculous... so I'll just figure something out. And until then, I'll cry a lot, and feel extreme anger... and deal. LOL

Back to Blogging

So, my life has completely gone down the toilet. We're still not done in the house. We still can't live in the house. James is living with Pam and Tim to be close to his job. I'm living with Karima to be close to my job.

No, our marriage is not over, we are not seperating except physically while we try to salvage our financial life, get heat turned on in our house, and destroy the evil substance known as mold from our casa. I won't go into the crap I'm taking for this, the humiliation in front of the students at my job (thanks mother-in-law, that was kind. But in happy news, all of my friends hate you, which does give me a warm and fuzzy feeling.), and in front of my coworkers because of hateful gossips. (And if you want to give me advice concerning my marriage, right now is not the time, unless you can avoid thrown objects VERY well, because my aim completely rocks.)

I've learned a lot from it... like the fact that when I went off of my anti-anxiety medicine and thought my life was so much better... I was really just making my life into a bubble. I cut everyone but my husband out... barely saw friends, avoided family, and made my home into my refuge filled with peace and art and love. Now I can't hide... my refuge is gone... and I'm falling apart. Debating medication again, but trying to see if I can make it on my own, learn from this experience, maybe grow through it.

Completely filled with anger right now... anger at life, at people, at everything. Depressed... but making it. Still working on my house, still living my life, just not really myself at the moment. Dealing with social anxiety, crap at work, feeling like a failure to God, my husband, my friends... completely imperfect and not at all okay with it.

But whatever. Life is wierd, and crazy, and people suck... but some people don't suck. I've lost my peace and security, but I've gained a friend who is now my sister... which is fun and interesting. The Princess will be introduced to you all in a later post.

For now I need to mud a wall so James can sand it tomorrow, and then I can paint when I get home. Wooo hooo! Each drop of paint, each glob of mud neatly smeared, brings us one step closer to moving back into my home. Until that day comes... I'm gonna jump into this wierdly imperfect new life I've found... make new friends, enjoy my new social life, and just generally rock the world with my awesome cuteness.

Or possibly just take a nap.

Ugg.

Is it better to have a job that you know you can do and do well, so that every day you leave feeling like you are the queen of the world, or a job where you are so deeply challenged that you leave every day thinking "Holy crap, I completely and totally SUCK!"?

Work, quite honestly, is sucking right now. It feels like centuries since I've received a compliment of any kind, the supervisory personnel are on this new "shorten the time it takes" kick, at the same time they are adding new responsibilities, and every day this week I've left my job with my head down, wondering why I can't make this job work. I've been in trouble this week for items not being done fast enough, for looking angry in a meeting, and for sounding too emotional in e-mails. (Which, now that I think about it, may be a miscommunication - a comment or two sent to the supervisor, which she thought was sent to others. Must explain that later.)

I'm just feeling really low today... worrying that I won't have a job to go back to, that I'm just not up to the standards of this department.

Enough wallowing... time to form a plan. What can I do about the people I work with who are causing these problems? Nothing. What can I do about feeling like I completely suck and have no worth? A LOT.

Since I feel like every area of my life is in chaos at the moment, I'll begin by setting some small goals for myself in my outside-of-work life, and accomplishing them. Cleaning up certain areas of my office, for example. I will give myself a facial tomorrow, and dress extra-nicely next week - not for the office's benefit, but for my own... so that I can hold my head up high. I'll work this weekend to get ahead on my homework, so that I can stop worrying about that. I'll make a new budget for us for the month of April, so that our finances are in order.

And I'll pray... that I myself will have a right attitude, and do my absolute best job each day - and if others are being unfair, or treating me in a way that they shouldn't, that their actions would be revealed for what they are.

While I pray, I'll remember that I'm not at this job to make friends or be popular. I'm at this job for two reasons: to get my education at 85% off, and to pay my bills. I can take a LOT of crap to get my education and pay my bills.

Time to make my little to-do list and accomplish some things! AFTER my inner child and I color a picture.

Explaination

So, you're probably wondering, after reading my last post, how I became so cold-hearted and angry.

It was not, surprisingly, the fact that I've carried the full weight of the friendship with Friend X for years, taking her everywhere since she doesn't have a vehicle (never asking for gas money), paying for her food because I truly believed she was trapped in her situation (which she is, but only because she deliberately traps herself.), even taking it when she barely helped with my wedding at all after promising to. I was even going to still be her friend after the Christmas Screw-Over.

The straw that broke the camels back though, was her complete and lack of compassion with the fact that we're having trouble conceiving. Now, once again, I have minimal expectations... I did not expect hugs or support, deep words or advice, or even a willingless to listen to me talk about it. A simple "I'm sorry" or even a sad silence would have been enough for me. I realize that I am WAY too emotional about this issue, and that my lack of conception is bothering me WAY more than it probably should. I don't expect others to understand that.

Instead, I got "Don't worry, it'll happen", stories about how everyone else in her life is having cute little babies, and how poor and abused she is because she can't have another child because she isn't having sex... despite the fact that she HAS one child already, and severely neglects his emotional, social and educational needs.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to tell her how the choices she is making, and her self-absorbed behavior, are hurting her friends and her child. Everyone else has consistently avoided her because her behaviors are more than they can take, and I've stayed in her life through it because I DO see her growing and changing... but these three areas (trapping herself in poverty and expecting people to pick up her tab, neglecting her childs needs because she's consumed by her own, and being an emotional zero to her friends) are ones that I know she doesn't see or thinks she is powerless to control, and therefore isn't working on.

How much, legitimately, am I expected to take and stay silent?

Again

Did you know my last post was post number 666? Yep... my blog post was the root of all evil. Who knew?! lol

I took another pregnancy test today... got another negative... just another day in the life, right? No, this time it is REALLY bothering me. Despite the fact that I've taken so many tests in the past, and they've all been negative... there's just a small part of me that hopes, every month, that it will happen.

This time I think that inner optimist is throwing things and crying. She and I are going to curl up under a blankie in the bedroom, and watch the first two Lord of the Rings movies. We also may picture ourselves committing voilent acts, just for fun. OH! Maybe she likes crayons... we can draw the scenes.

*taking new box of 120 crayons with her to the bedroom*

Surviving

Today's English class assingment: spend 4 sessions, 20 minutes each, describing a seashell. I looked at it today, and noticed two main things... very smooth edges, and many many holes in the surface. My sentence to describe it? "The smooth edges of this shell, worn down with time as the shell was unmercifully battered against cruel and unyielding rocks, hide the deep resilience that survives against all odds; growing and evolving through circumstances that shatter so many others."

Oh, and a funny (like, wierd funny) thing? As I typed this, guess what song came on the computer: "I'm A Surivor" by Reba McEntire My favorite lyrics from the song?

"My roots are planted in the past
And though my life is changing fast
Who I am is who I wanna be "

I have more things to share, but I need to finish my session with the shell (we're bonding deeply.), pray, and get some sleep. Nite to all.

Working through working through

Yes, I'm working through the process of working through my emotional issues as I work through my social work homework lol

Since it's rather obvious that I have crap boiling to the surface of my life, and need to get it out in the open where I can deal with it, I'm going to just keep this open and post my random thoughts as I finish reading my article.

"Subsequently, they often deny their own needs because of love and compassion for their parents and a fear of losing them." - It's creepy that I didn't do that so much with my dad, but I DO find myself doing this over and over again for so-called-friends, and for that same reason... I'm afraid they'll leave. "This poses a risk that over-responsibility and co-dependence may occur when the focus is on the needs of others." Hello! That is SO me. How is my picture not right there in the article? LOL



"Learning to step back from triggers of their childhood" - Yeah, I am so going to need to do this. Studying these things, along with the 30 hours of volunteer work required for this class, will be good practice for me.

"They are susceptible to anxiety when stressed and often present with somatic symptoms. They have a high potential for burnout... " - This explains SO MUCH. Reading this article really is making me feel more normal. I've found myself getting burnt out often from kids ministry, and just assumed I was a terrible person. I worry, often, about my ability to survive social work... will I get burnt out?

Well, today's reading was obviously not as fraught with drama and emotion as yesterdays... but now the article has officially been read, and all that's left is the paper to write! Wooo hooo!!!!

Stretching

This is a big month here in Jana-Land... so much change and growth going on!! My poor stomach is in knots, but it'll all be worth it in the end.

I started my classes today, and they are as different as night and day! The first one is an honors course... minimal rules in the 2-page syllabus, attendance is optional since we are adults responsible for our own fates, blah blah blah... (I LOVE this class and think this professor is gonna be amazing! Hard as heck, perhaps, but worth it!) Everyone in that class is white except one international student, about half are the preppy-with-money types, and I was the only older student... Class #2 is for my major, and had a 28 page syllabus. Attendance is mandatory, each assignment must be turned in or you fail the class, blah blah blah... each rule was explained IN DEPTH from the sylabus, and she talked to us like we had terminal stupidity. 80% of this class is black, almost all of us are poorer, and there were 4 older students in the class. It was... painful. I really despise being talked down to and expected to suck and cause trouble. Oh well, I really feel like I'll learn a lot from this class, so it's worth it.

I'm trying to make healthy friendships... and it is not going well. I'm so desperate for friends, I find myself cracking at the first sign that they might not like me, and falling back into the whole codependant please-need-me-so-I-know-you-won't-leave pattern. Most recently, my hubby and I took a foreign student to our family holidays over the break (wierdly enough she was only a few years younger than me), because she wasn't able to go home. She came to Christmas, New Years, and to see my sis-in-laws baby... and then after seeing my sis-in-law with me, began kinda brushing me off... not wanting to go to things, not texting back, etc... Needless to say, I feel very hurt. I probably shouldn't yet... I mean, maybe she's just busy or whatever. But friendships make you vulnerable, and this is scary terrain for me.

I'm still not hanging out with the friend who screwed me over at Christmas. We talked about the holiday screw-over, (the lie part actually, which she explained she didn't mean the way it came out in text, and she wasn't lying... she really did think there was a storm, and just was going to use it for her own gain. I believe her, but she still sucks for taking advantage of my ability to drive, and using it as a way to avoid becoming independant.) but I'm just not really up to being screwed over again yet. I'll give it a month or so... maybe take her kiddo out on a Jana & kid dinner date or something so the kid doesn't feel abandoned. Not really caring if the "friend" feels abandoned. *shrug* That's better than me going around her, and then cracking in anger because I'm not calmed down at her yet lol

The vegetarian thing is going well! Tonight - Thursday will be James's days to cook, which is a nice break for me. Tonight he made chili w/o meat, and it was EXCELLENT! Maybe he'll give us his recipe on here? I'm feeling full but without such a heavy feeling in my stomach each time I eat. It's very different!

Last night... *dramatic pause*... I excercised! I did a salsa dance, and it felt really good!

I'm getting the mic & sound on my computer fixed (the mic has been broke for like... since I got the computer.), so I'll be able to study languages again online!! Very excited about that.

And spiritually... God and I are chatting more, and I'm very happy about that.

So lots of growth going on here... lots of change... scary as hell I gotta tell you. My nerves are on edge, and I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster sometimes... with the excitement, nervousness, and fear of all the change and growth... but it'll be worth it all in the end, right?