So, my life has completely gone down the toilet. We're still not done in the house. We still can't live in the house. James is living with Pam and Tim to be close to his job. I'm living with Karima to be close to my job.
No, our marriage is not over, we are not seperating except physically while we try to salvage our financial life, get heat turned on in our house, and destroy the evil substance known as mold from our casa. I won't go into the crap I'm taking for this, the humiliation in front of the students at my job (thanks mother-in-law, that was kind. But in happy news, all of my friends hate you, which does give me a warm and fuzzy feeling.), and in front of my coworkers because of hateful gossips. (And if you want to give me advice concerning my marriage, right now is not the time, unless you can avoid thrown objects VERY well, because my aim completely rocks.)
I've learned a lot from it... like the fact that when I went off of my anti-anxiety medicine and thought my life was so much better... I was really just making my life into a bubble. I cut everyone but my husband out... barely saw friends, avoided family, and made my home into my refuge filled with peace and art and love. Now I can't hide... my refuge is gone... and I'm falling apart. Debating medication again, but trying to see if I can make it on my own, learn from this experience, maybe grow through it.
Completely filled with anger right now... anger at life, at people, at everything. Depressed... but making it. Still working on my house, still living my life, just not really myself at the moment. Dealing with social anxiety, crap at work, feeling like a failure to God, my husband, my friends... completely imperfect and not at all okay with it.
But whatever. Life is wierd, and crazy, and people suck... but some people don't suck. I've lost my peace and security, but I've gained a friend who is now my sister... which is fun and interesting. The Princess will be introduced to you all in a later post.
For now I need to mud a wall so James can sand it tomorrow, and then I can paint when I get home. Wooo hooo! Each drop of paint, each glob of mud neatly smeared, brings us one step closer to moving back into my home. Until that day comes... I'm gonna jump into this wierdly imperfect new life I've found... make new friends, enjoy my new social life, and just generally rock the world with my awesome cuteness.
Or possibly just take a nap.
13 comments:
Hey Jana,
It's hard to know what to say when it's clear anything we can say is just going to sound trite, or maybe even patronizing... But I needed to say something.
So, I'll say this:
From one who's been there, done that (the emotional experience rather than the literal one) I'd like to pass on a few things that really helped me.
I once took a counseling course and they said that what people often call a "breakdown" is really a "break up" an opportunity to dump all the crap that isn't working for us anymore, patch up the broken bits, and to rediscovered the good parts. Kind of like cleaning out your purse.
Sounds stupid, but it always comforts me when I think my life is falling apart.
I have been using, and highly recommend the books: The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Depression and Anxiety (long name, very useful book, I swear by it) and Unstuck (by: Someone Gordon)
Jana.. Your Sisters at FTH are praying for you. Please re-join us.. You are the sister of our hearts. and we want to share with you.
Shirlee.. Jenny. Sandy, Donalee... etc. we all miss you SOO much.
Please come back and share with us.. We need you.
Love, M&M
Jana,
Sending you a great big hug. Wish I lived close by to help mud, sand and paint. I truly would do this with you. We miss you terribly at FTH. :)
Your sister in Christ,
Donalee
I would make muffins and serve them with your favorite beverage.. Then I would make some soup and home made bread for lunch while you and Donalee did the sanding etc.. I would make you all a roast chicken dinner and a vegetarian lasagna.. I really would.
Hey girly girl. Sounds like you have your hands full. It sounds corny, but someday you'll look back on this and realize it was a building block in your life and marriage. I sure miss you at FTH. Just the other day we were asking if anyone had heard from you. Guess you were on our minds. Funny how God jogs our minds when a special one needs our support and prayer. Sending lots of prayer and hugs your way.
Well little Ms. Jana,
Your life sounds interesting to say the least. You just need to step back and take a look and be thnakful for all the things you do have. As far as friends come back to FTH where we are all your friends. I miss your cuteness! I could help you sling some of that mud on those walls, a good way to release some pent up anger!! Love you to bits. Cheryl
Ms. Jana,
Take a look... I think you are our baby sister.
Angels...... each one of us
Viola 73
Margaret 67
Ellen 65
Janice 63
Sandy 60
Barb 60
Lynn 59
Shirlee 58
Roseann 58
Cheryl 56
Teresa 56
Cindy 55
Anne 55
Frances 55
Cathy 50
Kaye 49
Mary 49
Jennifer 47
Donalee 42
Veronica 39
Jana --
Hi, Jana. Yes, we have missed you. I think I'm too old and tired to put on a new roof for you, but I could help MM with the muffins!!! And, I could certainly sit and visit and EAT them with you! Keep your head up, girl. You've got a lot going on, but I know you can do it. Consider coming back to the family who loves you!
Sandy
{{{{{ hugs }}}}} My dear sister, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time. Know that you are in my prayers, and remember that our Lord is with you always.
Love, hugs & God bless,
Veronica
Another "sister" hug from Lady Angel Ellen.
Know that we all care here at FTH and will be remembering you in our prayers.
Do come back.
:-)
Ellen
Ohhhhhhhh.... I just read all of your notes, and I just sat at my computer and cried. You ladies are awesome, and I miss you so much.
Jana.. Please come back to FTH....
Margaret Mary
Its nice to see you back :-)
Sounds like you have a sucky mother in law though, sorry.
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