Stop!

On the way back from my apartment this week, I encountered a stop light.  I sat in my car, watching the car in front of me, and we waited... waited... waited.... waited... still red.  We waited... waited... I thought about honking and asking the person ahead of me to make a right turn just so we could move, even if it was in the wrong direction... but I waited.... waited.... Finally the car ahead of me moved up to just run the stoplight... and as soon as she moved up, past the white line, it turned green.

Right now my life feels like that intersection. It seems like so many parts of my life have a stop sign.  Healthy eating has been stopped by the heat - it's in the 80s in our apartment, with us not cooking. Cooking vegetables is just out of the question right now.  I'm so disappointed about that. We were doing SO. GOOD.  *sigh* 

My school project seems to have a stop sign.  I was so excited about the voter registration drive we were planning, but now it seems like others in the group aren't taking it seriously.  We have 8 days before our first drive, and I can't get the researchers to look up the laws about what we are and are not allowed to do.  I can't get the group members to read the e-mails from the professor with instructions to our group, to answer my texts, or to check the group facebook page. Our professor has been flipping out, thinking we are going to break the county's rules and cause a huge scandal. I finally sent an e-mail to the professor today, asking her what the consequences would be if I withdrew from the group. I poured my heart into this, I networked with the NAACP, I coordinated the group, I sent facebooks and texts... and now it was all for nothing, because of things out of my control.  There comes a time when you see the train heading for a collision, and you just gotta jump off and let it do what it will do.  So much for having the project done before school starts.

Counseling... wow.  Definately a stop sign.  Had a great session the week before last, about avoidance and detachment. Came in this week ready to conquer the world... No.  Epic counseling fail.  We talked about my blog post about silence, but I just couldn't connect to the emotions I felt when I wrote it.  I knew they were there, but it was like I was seperated from them by a river... I could see them but not touch them, you know?  So I couldn't make her understand why this was important to me.  It came out jumbled and detached and rambly.

I'm wondering if not taking the medicine was a mistake. I feel edgy, and critical of others.  I'm noticing I have started avoiding people more, because I am just not sure of my reactions now. In the end, I think I made the right choice.  I put up with wayyyyyyyy to much crap from people when I am medicated, and that's not okay. I need to get therapy for my issues while it's cheap, so that I'll be a better social worker when I graduate.  Yes, I know I could make it without the counseling, and still be awesome at my job... but I want to be MORE awesome.  Taking medication seems to make the therapy less effective, since my emotions are buried under so many layers of medication, self-protection, etc.

I know eventually the light will turn green, I'll be flying down the road of life and forget this stop light ever happened... so maybe I should just take this opportunity to focus on other things, learn, grow, and prepare myself for the green lights ahead.

Owwies and Originals

So yesterday I as going about my daily life, when I had a horrible horrible pain in my stomach.  A long long time ago, when I was 17, I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome after having similar horrendous pains.  I watched my diet now, and generally had only mild problems. This week I'd been particularly good, and not consumed any soda whatsoever... so I'm a little perplexed as to why the pains came.  They're both good and bad... bad, obviously, because THEY HURT. Good, however, because I feel so supported by the community at my apartment.  Two friends asked if I needed any help, and one offered to stay with me, let me stay with her, and even do my laundry if I couldn't.  Very very awesome. 

Another good thing is that this has slowed me down, and helped me to focus a little more on my craft business.  Believe it or not, right now my crafts are not the main part of my business - alterations are.  I don't know how long I'll be able to keep them up... right now I'm spending a lot of time for a little money... but I am hoping that by the time school starts and my time is much more scarce, I will be able to do the alterations much more quickly.  For now, I'm enjoying the process of learning and earning some $ in the process.

AND, the coolest thing, is that I've been asked to MAKE a shirt... something I really want to do anyway.  Now, before I make one for the client, I will make one for myself in a different fabric.  I can show her what MY almost-original design will actually look like in real life, so she knows what she is buying, and I will be able to tell her with confidence that I CAN make the shirt. 

All in all, life is good right now. 

Except for the pain.  LOL

Dreams and Dizziness

It's been an eventful few days. My friend's wedding reception was last night, I've been crocheting like crazy until I have a chance to get to Hobby Lobby and buy some boxes to paint or collage and sell, and today is the day my dad died. No plans to do anything today... no car to take to the cemetery or to use an go do a good deed in his name. I feel really numb inside anyway... I'll probably cry later. In the meantime I'll wait for the beloved to come home, and then take him out on a date. *giggle* In other news...

Last night I had a nightmare, for the first time in a long time. (Mainly because I rarely dream.) I went into this old house, one I had been to before, with a group of people. My friend Karima, some girls from church, and others I didn't recognize were there. We went into the house, and I was worried... I remembered being there before, and bad things happening, but nothing specific. When we opened the door, there was another set of doors inside, and between was an older lady wearing a red outfit - I had seen her before, and knew something horrible was happening. The others from the group opened the second door from the right, and I screamed for them to stop! I grabbed Karima and kept her from going, and I screamed as the door shut behind the others, and then there was only silence.

I found myself back at the house again, later, alone this time. I went through the first door to the right, and explored. I found people around me, a soldier, a nerd... there was a "church" where people were sitting, worshipping... a store where they sold New Age stuff and some very cute candles... and dolls without heads. I looked everywhere, and then made my way out... Only to find that the people were at the doors, and wouldn't let me out. Suddenly I was a child, and ran beneath their arms to escape out the door. I ran, and ran... I ran into the woods, and to a house... I grabbed a can of biscuit dough and threw little pieces behind me now and then, and they expanded to slow down the woman behind me. Eventually, I somehow led her to the house of a FBI agent, and woke up safely.

Wierd.

In other news, I had another dizzy spell... the first one I've had in a long while. I had them frequently for a while, but the doctor didn't know what caused them. They stopped a while, started again in September or October, and then started again this week. I had an ear infection, so that might be why... but it was very wierd. I wasn't as dizzy as normal, but I was very weak and VERY shakey... and completely terrified. I cried, and cried, and cried... it was horrible. Finally I ate a Hostess cherry pie, and felt some better (could it be blood sugar?), but was drained all day. Finally feeling better today, just icky because I still have a sinus & ear infection.

Anyway, these are the life and times of the short cute one... what's new in your life?

Powerless

Sometimes life throws you for a loop, watches you hit the ground with a loud *splat*, and laughs as you writhe in pain.

My work life is a little like that right now.

I'm trying to take a step back from my emotions lately, and ask "what can I learn from what I'm feeling?" It's been deeply therapeutic... but... on this, I have no idea where to go. In the course of one day, I went from doing one person's job to two persons' jobs, while also being told I would also be running errands for a staff member with an axe to grind.

If I say I can't get everything done, I'm whining.
If I keep quiet and can't get everything done, I'm incompitent.
If I point out that the staff member who asked for my "assistance" just wanted to punish me because she didn't get a promotion because my friend did, I'm bitter and angry.

I feel completely powerless.

In general, I love my job. I love being where I can have at least some minimal interaction with students from around the world. I love working in an office that supports all kinds of activities for student groups. I love the people I work with (with one exception), and am really and truly shocked that this was allowed to happen in front of the entire office staff. I have no intention of quitting my job, so I'm setting some limits for myself:

No working late without pay.
No working through lunch without pay.
No worrying about work when I leave the job - I can't meet expectations that are completely ludicrus.

I WILL do my best work each day... but I do not have the time nor the motivation to sell my soul to a job. I have a career I'm working toward and classes I'm taking. I have a husband and a household to keep up with. I have body that we're working to help be healthy so that a child can grow inside it. I will NOT give myself gray hairs, ulcers, or other health problems just to try and meet impossible expectations. I will not fill my body with toxic chemicals (caffine) in order to accomplish more tasks in less time, nor will I fill my soul with toxic emotions that affect my physical and emotional health.

And I'll take an honest look at my job - what I'm doing and how I'm doing it - to see what I can improve. Are there things I can do to make my work more efficient? Am I wasting time on tasks that are low priority instead of focusing on the priority tasks? Am I wasting time because things are not organized in my office realm? What can I change in my work life to accomplish more in the limited time I'm given each day?

In the end, I alone have the true power over my job.

Stepping Out

Today as I chatted with Alison, trying to figure out what to do about a friend (we'll call her "Friend X") who is completely and utterly screwing up her own life and the life of her child, I came to a realization:

Before I confront Friend X about her malfunction... I really need to get my own crap together!

I'm complaining because my friend is trapping herself in her bad situation, and not helping herself find a way out... but am I doing the same thing? Time to take inventory of some areas of my life, and the next steps to improve.

FINANCIAL:

This has by far always been the weakest area of my life. I won't go into how bad it's been, but lets just say some dramatic action is needed in order to pay back some medical and educational bills of the past.

My next step: Get a calendar to put next to my computer. Whenever a bill comes into my house, write this bill on the calendar. This will help me get organized, and avoid late fees. After this, make an income and expenses comparison, and see what can be cut or lessened from the expenses side. After this, make a specific plan for what bills will be paid off in what order.

EDUCATIONAL:

I'm really doing pretty well in this area, but have been frustrated by my lack of organization.

My next step: I think I need to make a to-do list at the end of each class day, (I only have classes Tues and Thurs), saying what assignments need to be done before the next week and the deadline. I'll put this next to my computer, and mark off assignments as they are finished.

PHYSICAL:

This is improving, or was. I really enjoyed our time as vegetarians, but we've went back to the old ways of eating far more than we should have.

My next step: Keep buying and using vegetables in every meal I cook. Try to use minimal meat.

SPIRITUAL:

This is still rocky, but improving.

My next step: Find a good time to pray, and pray daily.

SOCIAL:

My house is staying mostly clean, which makes it MUCH easier to have people over now... but I still generally stay home, alone. I honestly don't know what goals I want to have in this area. I have been making more friends, I have been working at creating and maintaining healthy friendships, and have been cutting off "dead weight" friendships that are not healthy for me.

My next step: Write a letter to Friend X, explaining why I am avoiding her. Be gentle, but very very blunt.

Another goal that I'm considering, which is not really related to this list, is to blog more about some of the topics I'm learning about in my Social Work class. We're just finishing a chapter discussing poverty that I found quite offensive, and would love to chat about it... perhaps by blogging sometimes about these types of issues, I'll remember to keep my blog updated!

Stretching

This is a big month here in Jana-Land... so much change and growth going on!! My poor stomach is in knots, but it'll all be worth it in the end.

I started my classes today, and they are as different as night and day! The first one is an honors course... minimal rules in the 2-page syllabus, attendance is optional since we are adults responsible for our own fates, blah blah blah... (I LOVE this class and think this professor is gonna be amazing! Hard as heck, perhaps, but worth it!) Everyone in that class is white except one international student, about half are the preppy-with-money types, and I was the only older student... Class #2 is for my major, and had a 28 page syllabus. Attendance is mandatory, each assignment must be turned in or you fail the class, blah blah blah... each rule was explained IN DEPTH from the sylabus, and she talked to us like we had terminal stupidity. 80% of this class is black, almost all of us are poorer, and there were 4 older students in the class. It was... painful. I really despise being talked down to and expected to suck and cause trouble. Oh well, I really feel like I'll learn a lot from this class, so it's worth it.

I'm trying to make healthy friendships... and it is not going well. I'm so desperate for friends, I find myself cracking at the first sign that they might not like me, and falling back into the whole codependant please-need-me-so-I-know-you-won't-leave pattern. Most recently, my hubby and I took a foreign student to our family holidays over the break (wierdly enough she was only a few years younger than me), because she wasn't able to go home. She came to Christmas, New Years, and to see my sis-in-laws baby... and then after seeing my sis-in-law with me, began kinda brushing me off... not wanting to go to things, not texting back, etc... Needless to say, I feel very hurt. I probably shouldn't yet... I mean, maybe she's just busy or whatever. But friendships make you vulnerable, and this is scary terrain for me.

I'm still not hanging out with the friend who screwed me over at Christmas. We talked about the holiday screw-over, (the lie part actually, which she explained she didn't mean the way it came out in text, and she wasn't lying... she really did think there was a storm, and just was going to use it for her own gain. I believe her, but she still sucks for taking advantage of my ability to drive, and using it as a way to avoid becoming independant.) but I'm just not really up to being screwed over again yet. I'll give it a month or so... maybe take her kiddo out on a Jana & kid dinner date or something so the kid doesn't feel abandoned. Not really caring if the "friend" feels abandoned. *shrug* That's better than me going around her, and then cracking in anger because I'm not calmed down at her yet lol

The vegetarian thing is going well! Tonight - Thursday will be James's days to cook, which is a nice break for me. Tonight he made chili w/o meat, and it was EXCELLENT! Maybe he'll give us his recipe on here? I'm feeling full but without such a heavy feeling in my stomach each time I eat. It's very different!

Last night... *dramatic pause*... I excercised! I did a salsa dance, and it felt really good!

I'm getting the mic & sound on my computer fixed (the mic has been broke for like... since I got the computer.), so I'll be able to study languages again online!! Very excited about that.

And spiritually... God and I are chatting more, and I'm very happy about that.

So lots of growth going on here... lots of change... scary as hell I gotta tell you. My nerves are on edge, and I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster sometimes... with the excitement, nervousness, and fear of all the change and growth... but it'll be worth it all in the end, right?

20 Days of Meatless Menus - Day 2

Day 2 of Meatless Meals are here:

Today's menu:

Pasta Primavera: James - 7.5 Janet - 7
Lemon Cilantro Corn: James - 9 Janet - 9.8

Lemon Cilantro Corn:
Cook one bag of corn as directed on package. When corn is done, add butter, lemon, and chopped cilantro to taste. It is YUMMY!!!!!

It's so good, i'm even loving the taste of it when I burp.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In other news....

Tomorrow I start college classes to become a social worker!!!!! WISH ME LUCK!!!!!!!

20 Days of Meatless Menus - Day 1

Why am I going vegetarian for the rest of the month?

My church is going on what is called a "Daniel fast." We (hubby and I) are using it not only as a way to sacrifice as we seek more of God, but also as a way to learn to eat a healthier way. Our church generally says that a Daniel fast means avoiding "meats and sweet treats", but I forgot the sweets part and baked cookies. Sooooooo... we're only abstaining from meats.

How is it going so far?

AWESOME! Tonight's menu, with each dish rated on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest:

Eggplant Parmesan - 8.75
Experimental rice pilaf (sorta) with sauce - 1
Garlic cheese bread - 7
Salad - 7
Yogurt with cherry jello flavoring - 6

The yogurt with jello flavoring was shockingly disappointing. I remember us eating that ALL the time when I was a kid. Maybe I should try another flavor.

The eggplant parmesan ROCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was absolutely blown away by how good it was! And very easy too! Here's how I made it:

1 medium eggplant
1 cup spaghetti sauce (I used Kroger brand 6 cheese)
2 oz shredded cheese
Olive oil

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F
Take 1 medium eggplant, cut off the ends, and cut it into 10 rings.
Cover a baking pan with foil, and brush the foil with olive oil. Place rings of eggplant on the foil, and bake for 20 minutes.

Take rings out of oven, and remove rings from the foil. Brush a fresh coat of olive oil over the foil, and put 5 rings back on the foil. Top each ring with spaghetti sauce, and sprinkle cheese on top. Put another ring on top of each (making a sandwich, more or less), and top with the remaining spaghetti sauce and cheese. Bake another 20 minutes.

Serve with garlic bread and a salad, and you have a FULL, meatless, meal!

20 Days of Meatless Menus - Prep Day

"So, that's a wierd title"

I'm sure that's what you're thinking. Yes, my husband and I are fasting meat for the next 20 days. It seemed insane at the time, and crazed shopping took place today as I realized that tomorrow... we'll go meatless. I headed to my local Farmers Market (a store, not an actual market for farmers... we have one of those here, but only in the summer months.) to see what I could find.

I found bargain bins FULL of veggies and fruit, and was pretty sure that God was showing me some luv. And what did I get?

2 Sweet potatoes
2 Stripey squash
1 Yellow squash
2 Fennel
1 bag carrots
1 bag parsnips
1 head lettuce
1 brocolli
1 eggplant
Uncountable apples (cuz I'm lazy, and there have to be about 15 or so)
3 or more lemons
2 nectarines (or are they tangerines?)

I also bought 2 huge oranges and 3 more tangerines at full price.

And how much did I spend, you might ask?

$9.11

I love the Farmer's Market. *happy sigh*

Now I'm searching through recipe books, planning my menu for the next 20 days... made a bunch of muffins that we can eat for breakfasts (and froze most, because they are made with sugar and wheat bran, and they FERMENT if you keep them in a warm desk drawer in a ziplock over the weekend. WIERD!!!!!)... and I just have to take a moment to thank Tammy V especially for the recipe books she gave me. They've been used sporadically before (in fact, I took Coated Carrots to our company Holiday Party.), but definately getting a thourough usage now! lol Laurel (from Laurel's Kitchen) and I will be having some serious time together in the next few weeks. I'd also like to thank Tammy Durham, who gave me another cookbook, which I'm using to make tomorrow's supper: Roasted Eggplant Parmesan!

Results

Remember how last week I committed to myself, to doing some cleaning only for my personal benefit? Would you like to see the results?

My desk has a FLOOR near it!!!!! The top of the desk is still trashed, but I spend too much time actually WORKING at my desk for it to ever actually be clean lol

The bookcase corner. Notice that the shovel and other manly tools have been moved to the back porch... no place to put the trim at though, so it's still in the corner until I figure something out.

The game corner! Yes, it's still kinda disorganized... but the games are together in piles, the wedding albums/photo frames are all together, and the pile of random crap to give & return to my inlaws next weekend is neatly together. GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!!!!!

(Thanks Jen, for asking me to give pics... that helped motivate me SO much!!!!)

*~*~*~*~*~*

In happy news, I'm feeling better after my very-good-cry Sunday. I've known I needed a really good crying-ranting-raving for a while... but not been able to get it out and move on. Holidays are hard, I'm missing my dad like absolutely crazy and seeing him everywhere in everyone I meet, and James and I have both been working ourselves crazy... but things are better, and I feel much better now.

My period arrived yesterday, a full EIGHT days late... which is mainly annoying because 1. I'm not pregnant and 2. I had an algebraic equation figured out for calculating my period...

x + 2 = y

Where x = the amount of days in the cycle of the month before, and y = the amount of days that will be in the current cycle.

This had been faithfully true for several months (at least, I think it had.)... 1 day late, 3, 5,.... and now 8. Piece of crap periods!!!! Ruining my perfect algebraicly correct cycles. Grr.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Tomorrow I go to see an ear, nose, and throat doctor, and find out WHY I have had an ear infection since May, and not been able to get rid of it even with an antibiotic. (It's actually worse now.)