This is a big month here in Jana-Land... so much change and growth going on!! My poor stomach is in knots, but it'll all be worth it in the end.
I started my classes today, and they are as different as night and day! The first one is an honors course... minimal rules in the 2-page syllabus, attendance is optional since we are adults responsible for our own fates, blah blah blah... (I LOVE this class and think this professor is gonna be amazing! Hard as heck, perhaps, but worth it!) Everyone in that class is white except one international student, about half are the preppy-with-money types, and I was the only older student... Class #2 is for my major, and had a 28 page syllabus. Attendance is mandatory, each assignment must be turned in or you fail the class, blah blah blah... each rule was explained IN DEPTH from the sylabus, and she talked to us like we had terminal stupidity. 80% of this class is black, almost all of us are poorer, and there were 4 older students in the class. It was... painful. I really despise being talked down to and expected to suck and cause trouble. Oh well, I really feel like I'll learn a lot from this class, so it's worth it.
I'm trying to make healthy friendships... and it is not going well. I'm so desperate for friends, I find myself cracking at the first sign that they might not like me, and falling back into the whole codependant please-need-me-so-I-know-you-won't-leave pattern. Most recently, my hubby and I took a foreign student to our family holidays over the break (wierdly enough she was only a few years younger than me), because she wasn't able to go home. She came to Christmas, New Years, and to see my sis-in-laws baby... and then after seeing my sis-in-law with me, began kinda brushing me off... not wanting to go to things, not texting back, etc... Needless to say, I feel very hurt. I probably shouldn't yet... I mean, maybe she's just busy or whatever. But friendships make you vulnerable, and this is scary terrain for me.
I'm still not hanging out with the friend who screwed me over at Christmas. We talked about the holiday screw-over, (the lie part actually, which she explained she didn't mean the way it came out in text, and she wasn't lying... she really did think there was a storm, and just was going to use it for her own gain. I believe her, but she still sucks for taking advantage of my ability to drive, and using it as a way to avoid becoming independant.) but I'm just not really up to being screwed over again yet. I'll give it a month or so... maybe take her kiddo out on a Jana & kid dinner date or something so the kid doesn't feel abandoned. Not really caring if the "friend" feels abandoned. *shrug* That's better than me going around her, and then cracking in anger because I'm not calmed down at her yet lol
The vegetarian thing is going well! Tonight - Thursday will be James's days to cook, which is a nice break for me. Tonight he made chili w/o meat, and it was EXCELLENT! Maybe he'll give us his recipe on here? I'm feeling full but without such a heavy feeling in my stomach each time I eat. It's very different!
Last night... *dramatic pause*... I excercised! I did a salsa dance, and it felt really good!
I'm getting the mic & sound on my computer fixed (the mic has been broke for like... since I got the computer.), so I'll be able to study languages again online!! Very excited about that.
And spiritually... God and I are chatting more, and I'm very happy about that.
So lots of growth going on here... lots of change... scary as hell I gotta tell you. My nerves are on edge, and I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster sometimes... with the excitement, nervousness, and fear of all the change and growth... but it'll be worth it all in the end, right?
4 comments:
Yes, it will be worth it all in the end! We never learn and grow spiritually without changes and conflict. It's what molds and shapes us, makes us better in the end.
As far as the friendships, I feel your frustration with your friend and the car thing. But sometimes you have to cut people off in your own best interest. Recently, my dad got ticked off at my sister and I because he nearly demanded that I do something a certain way concerning the coming move. When I said no, he threw a big fit, refused to come to Christmas this past weekend and has stated he no longer wants to see us. This has been a pattern with him for the last 6 Christmases. So this time, sis and I decided we are going to take him seriously. We have blocked all his email, will no longer take phone calls, etc. Not only does it affect us and spouses, but the grandkids did not understand why grandpa didn't want to see them. While the whole situation sucks, sis and I won't put ourselves or families through this crap anymore. Sometimes you just have to say ENOUGH! Don't be afraid to say that to someone in a relationship ok?
Love ya!!!!
Jana, this post reminds me suo much of me right now. I told you the other day about the situation with a friend, well, we are speeking, but there's a very strained relationship going on. It's just diferent, and not the best I've ever been in.
Sorry that the exchange student friendship didn't work out. I have been there, trust me on this.
Finally, I decided to heck with it. People will have to take me just as I am, faults in all. We cannot please everyone and one day, I know someone will see what a precious person you are and reach out to you.
Yay for husbands cooking! Men get such a terrible rap with cooking. But the truth is, there ARE men in this world who can cook pretty well. Just gotta give 'em a nudge to do it. I love it when my hubby cooks, because he IS a good cook, and wish he would do it more often.
That's great about the dancing. Wish I could do that, too. Dancing really is great for you to do, both physically and emotionally. You never see a grumpy dancer! LOL ;)
I am sorry about that friend. Friends can really be sucky sometimes. I hope she will wise up and STOP using you! Friends don't do that. I hope it works out. **hug**
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