Stop!

On the way back from my apartment this week, I encountered a stop light.  I sat in my car, watching the car in front of me, and we waited... waited... waited.... waited... still red.  We waited... waited... I thought about honking and asking the person ahead of me to make a right turn just so we could move, even if it was in the wrong direction... but I waited.... waited.... Finally the car ahead of me moved up to just run the stoplight... and as soon as she moved up, past the white line, it turned green.

Right now my life feels like that intersection. It seems like so many parts of my life have a stop sign.  Healthy eating has been stopped by the heat - it's in the 80s in our apartment, with us not cooking. Cooking vegetables is just out of the question right now.  I'm so disappointed about that. We were doing SO. GOOD.  *sigh* 

My school project seems to have a stop sign.  I was so excited about the voter registration drive we were planning, but now it seems like others in the group aren't taking it seriously.  We have 8 days before our first drive, and I can't get the researchers to look up the laws about what we are and are not allowed to do.  I can't get the group members to read the e-mails from the professor with instructions to our group, to answer my texts, or to check the group facebook page. Our professor has been flipping out, thinking we are going to break the county's rules and cause a huge scandal. I finally sent an e-mail to the professor today, asking her what the consequences would be if I withdrew from the group. I poured my heart into this, I networked with the NAACP, I coordinated the group, I sent facebooks and texts... and now it was all for nothing, because of things out of my control.  There comes a time when you see the train heading for a collision, and you just gotta jump off and let it do what it will do.  So much for having the project done before school starts.

Counseling... wow.  Definately a stop sign.  Had a great session the week before last, about avoidance and detachment. Came in this week ready to conquer the world... No.  Epic counseling fail.  We talked about my blog post about silence, but I just couldn't connect to the emotions I felt when I wrote it.  I knew they were there, but it was like I was seperated from them by a river... I could see them but not touch them, you know?  So I couldn't make her understand why this was important to me.  It came out jumbled and detached and rambly.

I'm wondering if not taking the medicine was a mistake. I feel edgy, and critical of others.  I'm noticing I have started avoiding people more, because I am just not sure of my reactions now. In the end, I think I made the right choice.  I put up with wayyyyyyyy to much crap from people when I am medicated, and that's not okay. I need to get therapy for my issues while it's cheap, so that I'll be a better social worker when I graduate.  Yes, I know I could make it without the counseling, and still be awesome at my job... but I want to be MORE awesome.  Taking medication seems to make the therapy less effective, since my emotions are buried under so many layers of medication, self-protection, etc.

I know eventually the light will turn green, I'll be flying down the road of life and forget this stop light ever happened... so maybe I should just take this opportunity to focus on other things, learn, grow, and prepare myself for the green lights ahead.

Growth from the Ashes

Out of Control

Twice in my life I have been so wound up with uncontrolable stress that I have needed to compulsively organize bins in stores.  The first time was right before my wedding (the worst time of my life.) and the second was another day at Walmart. 

Yesterday I almost had to do it again. 

I feel so fragile right now.  I feel like my life is spinning out of control, and so am I.  I'm completely behind on my goals for the summer.  I have sacrificed productivity to avoid lonliness, but now wish for time alone but can't handle it when it comes.

I'm afraid that I'm pregnant.  I'm afraid to believe that I'm pregnant, because what if I'm wrong?  Can I handle the pressure of truly hoping for a pregnancy and then getting the period-of-all-hope-is-lost?  I want to be pregnant, but I feel unprepared.  What the heck does a woman do when she gets pregnant?  I need to read the books about the subject, but who has the time? 

I want to curl up in a small ball and cry, but the work needing to be done in my life screams at me at the top of it's lungs and I can't ignore it long enough to truly rest. 

I can't sleep at night.  I sleep late in the day.  I waste precious hours fighting to sleep and then more hours losing the fight to wake up. 

I really need a vacation, or perhaps this is a delayed result of no happy pills?

I want to ask for help, but the last time someone saw my weak moment, she lost all respect for me.  She said cruel and horrible things that I honestly have not been able to forgive.  I think somewhere along the way I vowed to never again show weakness to a friend, because I never want to be hurt that way again. 

So I badly need help, I feel horribly weak and fragile, but know that reaching out for help is not in any way a possibility. 

This bites.

Hiding Behind My Cushions

If my life continues along it's present course, I may have to make that the title of my blog. 

95% of my new friends have children.  Most of these children are young... and some are very young.  So my house is randomly invaded by small children, including my beloved niece Poopers (age 2.5) and her brother Stevenito (age 1 next week.)  I also have a wierd amount of friends and neighbors with four-year-olds, which is a lot of fun.  Buttttttt the problem is the little guys.  Cuz, being a woman with no children, my house is not exactly childproof. 

Did I mention that I sew and crochet?  Yeah.  This means I have needles, pins, and scissors.  EVERYWHERE. 

So tonight when my friend brought her 2 year old to my house, I found my house running to hide a lot of things.  A LOT of things.  Controllers for the Xbox, breakable picture frames, crafts I've made, etc.   Eventually I learned that the simplest way to deal with this situation was when LittleGuy grabbed a forbidden object, I would grab it from him, distract him, and hide it behind my couch cushion. 

By the end of the night, I had quite the little collection going.  A phone, a controller, scissors, crayons, random crafts,.... and so on and so forth. 

Can you imagine what will happen when we have children?  LOL  I'll have an entire house full of stuff, all hidden behind two couch cushions! 

For a reason beyond my comprehension, this makes me feel very amused. 

What the Heck????

Okay, twice I have tried to post a blog post, and Internet Explorer hasn't let me post it. The first time it was just a minor annoyance... I opened Firefox, and posted it there. Life was good, right?

The second time, I tried to do the same thing... a little more annoyed... but when I tried to copy the text to paste it into Firefox, IT ERASED THE WHOLE STUPID POST!!!!!!!

What the heck?????? So I will be looking today for a solution, because Firefox is not my normal browswer and I'm annoyed to have to us it just because stupid Blogger won't work.

Grr.

 

And while we are on the subject of "what the heck?", I have to tell you about my wonderful best friend/neighbor... Before I moved here, my former friend from Morocco had introduced me to some of her friends from other countries.  I met one from Libya, one from Lebanon, and one from Saudi Arabia.  The one from Saudi Arabia and I started working with each other on English and Arabic, and we became good friends.  I was annoyed to have to drive across town to her house though... so when we decided to give the Mold Cube back to the bank, and had to move... her apartment complex (which was also wayyyyyyyy cheaper than most apartments) was one of the places we investigated. 

 

Totally the best decision, ever.  We moved here, and I love it. (Mr. Beloved hasn't really stated an opinion.)  I've met people from all over the world here... my neighbors on my floor are from India, America, Saudi Arabia, China, and Korea I think...  I've also seen people here from Libya, Kenya and Nepal!  How cool is that???  Small Arabic children randomly swarm when they see me, screaming "Jan-nette!" and giving me hugs.

 

And the friend from Saudi Arabia?  She has totally achieved best friend status now.  We do almost everything together, but we have tried to let the friendship grow slowly because we don't want drama.  She has four absolutely amazing kids, who I dearly love.  We have had fun conversations about everything, even comparing the story of Jesus in the Bible and Quran.  She has taught me to cook amazing deserts and meals, and told me all of the secrets to living in this apartment complex ( Good people, bad people, cleanup before pest control, and free washers on the fourth floor!)  Oh, and when my neice and my nephew visit, she totally saves my sanity... her kids come over at night to wear the neice and nephew out... if I need something from my car, her older kids come to watch the babies while I escape for a minute... and the babies absolutely LOVE her children.

 

She and her children have also all learned the phrase "What the Heck?!"  It's highly amusing. 

 

Definately the best thing about living here... even better than having a real period again and not having chronic ear infections now that we live in a house without mold.  And that's really saying something!!!

Updates on Jana's Life

WOW! Life is busy but way fun!!!!

In news here:

I have completed several things from my 101 things in 1001 days project:
#3 Volunteer at WILL center or Special Olympics - Completed this today by volunteering at the Special Olympics. I worked at the volunteer sign-in tent, so didn't have much contact with the athletes or families, but it was really a great experience either way. Next year I'd like to interact more with the athletes.
#4 Volunteer at the ICU where my dad died, or at a CODA shelter - I tried to volunteer at the CODA shelter, but got no response when I e-mailed them about it. Felt deeply annoyed, so I volunteered elsewhere.
#15. Make a Craft with Aunt Martha - Changed from "Finish Wedding Scrapbook with Aunt Martha" after wedding scrapbook was destroyed. I haven't completed this yet, but will later this month. (I think)

We're preparing to reroof our house at the beginning of July, since parts of our ceiling have now collapsed. Scrubbing everything down with bleach to kill mold, scouting yard scales and begging on Freecycle for tools, and reading book after book about roof repair and replacement.... this is our married life at the moment. I can't wait to have this all FIXED!!!

I'm learning more and more Arabic, which makes me feel happy inside.

We're doing a lot of yard work, so our yard is looking MUCH better. I'll post pics some other time.

I've discovered that my social anxiety has gotten worse. Now not only does the thought of speaking a foreign language to someone I know make me ill, but the thought of making a new friend makes me want to projectile vomit with fear. (Okay, that was a little bit overdramatic, but seriously... I was sick to my stomach and in tears Friday after trying to make a friend.) Why is it that I can learn strange foreign languages, program databases, organize anything that I see, and make an A in honors English... but basic social interactions make me physically ill? I discussed this with my friend Pam, and we delved deeply into my childhood experiences with rejection, and how vulnerable friendships make me feel now. I'm not really sure where to go or what to do with this issue, but it will probably be discussed (or re-hashed) on my blog at later dates. If I had time, I would REALLY like to do some intuitive collage regarding this... maybe tomorrow afternoon.

Now it's time for bed... I'll try to post on here more often and be a better blog-reader, but no promises. Econ 100 will be starting this Monday and I'll have 4 quizzes and one final exam each week... I'll be a bit busy. LOL

Explaination

So, you're probably wondering, after reading my last post, how I became so cold-hearted and angry.

It was not, surprisingly, the fact that I've carried the full weight of the friendship with Friend X for years, taking her everywhere since she doesn't have a vehicle (never asking for gas money), paying for her food because I truly believed she was trapped in her situation (which she is, but only because she deliberately traps herself.), even taking it when she barely helped with my wedding at all after promising to. I was even going to still be her friend after the Christmas Screw-Over.

The straw that broke the camels back though, was her complete and lack of compassion with the fact that we're having trouble conceiving. Now, once again, I have minimal expectations... I did not expect hugs or support, deep words or advice, or even a willingless to listen to me talk about it. A simple "I'm sorry" or even a sad silence would have been enough for me. I realize that I am WAY too emotional about this issue, and that my lack of conception is bothering me WAY more than it probably should. I don't expect others to understand that.

Instead, I got "Don't worry, it'll happen", stories about how everyone else in her life is having cute little babies, and how poor and abused she is because she can't have another child because she isn't having sex... despite the fact that she HAS one child already, and severely neglects his emotional, social and educational needs.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to tell her how the choices she is making, and her self-absorbed behavior, are hurting her friends and her child. Everyone else has consistently avoided her because her behaviors are more than they can take, and I've stayed in her life through it because I DO see her growing and changing... but these three areas (trapping herself in poverty and expecting people to pick up her tab, neglecting her childs needs because she's consumed by her own, and being an emotional zero to her friends) are ones that I know she doesn't see or thinks she is powerless to control, and therefore isn't working on.

How much, legitimately, am I expected to take and stay silent?

Stepping Out

Today as I chatted with Alison, trying to figure out what to do about a friend (we'll call her "Friend X") who is completely and utterly screwing up her own life and the life of her child, I came to a realization:

Before I confront Friend X about her malfunction... I really need to get my own crap together!

I'm complaining because my friend is trapping herself in her bad situation, and not helping herself find a way out... but am I doing the same thing? Time to take inventory of some areas of my life, and the next steps to improve.

FINANCIAL:

This has by far always been the weakest area of my life. I won't go into how bad it's been, but lets just say some dramatic action is needed in order to pay back some medical and educational bills of the past.

My next step: Get a calendar to put next to my computer. Whenever a bill comes into my house, write this bill on the calendar. This will help me get organized, and avoid late fees. After this, make an income and expenses comparison, and see what can be cut or lessened from the expenses side. After this, make a specific plan for what bills will be paid off in what order.

EDUCATIONAL:

I'm really doing pretty well in this area, but have been frustrated by my lack of organization.

My next step: I think I need to make a to-do list at the end of each class day, (I only have classes Tues and Thurs), saying what assignments need to be done before the next week and the deadline. I'll put this next to my computer, and mark off assignments as they are finished.

PHYSICAL:

This is improving, or was. I really enjoyed our time as vegetarians, but we've went back to the old ways of eating far more than we should have.

My next step: Keep buying and using vegetables in every meal I cook. Try to use minimal meat.

SPIRITUAL:

This is still rocky, but improving.

My next step: Find a good time to pray, and pray daily.

SOCIAL:

My house is staying mostly clean, which makes it MUCH easier to have people over now... but I still generally stay home, alone. I honestly don't know what goals I want to have in this area. I have been making more friends, I have been working at creating and maintaining healthy friendships, and have been cutting off "dead weight" friendships that are not healthy for me.

My next step: Write a letter to Friend X, explaining why I am avoiding her. Be gentle, but very very blunt.

Another goal that I'm considering, which is not really related to this list, is to blog more about some of the topics I'm learning about in my Social Work class. We're just finishing a chapter discussing poverty that I found quite offensive, and would love to chat about it... perhaps by blogging sometimes about these types of issues, I'll remember to keep my blog updated!

Working through working through

Yes, I'm working through the process of working through my emotional issues as I work through my social work homework lol

Since it's rather obvious that I have crap boiling to the surface of my life, and need to get it out in the open where I can deal with it, I'm going to just keep this open and post my random thoughts as I finish reading my article.

"Subsequently, they often deny their own needs because of love and compassion for their parents and a fear of losing them." - It's creepy that I didn't do that so much with my dad, but I DO find myself doing this over and over again for so-called-friends, and for that same reason... I'm afraid they'll leave. "This poses a risk that over-responsibility and co-dependence may occur when the focus is on the needs of others." Hello! That is SO me. How is my picture not right there in the article? LOL



"Learning to step back from triggers of their childhood" - Yeah, I am so going to need to do this. Studying these things, along with the 30 hours of volunteer work required for this class, will be good practice for me.

"They are susceptible to anxiety when stressed and often present with somatic symptoms. They have a high potential for burnout... " - This explains SO MUCH. Reading this article really is making me feel more normal. I've found myself getting burnt out often from kids ministry, and just assumed I was a terrible person. I worry, often, about my ability to survive social work... will I get burnt out?

Well, today's reading was obviously not as fraught with drama and emotion as yesterdays... but now the article has officially been read, and all that's left is the paper to write! Wooo hooo!!!!

Stretching

This is a big month here in Jana-Land... so much change and growth going on!! My poor stomach is in knots, but it'll all be worth it in the end.

I started my classes today, and they are as different as night and day! The first one is an honors course... minimal rules in the 2-page syllabus, attendance is optional since we are adults responsible for our own fates, blah blah blah... (I LOVE this class and think this professor is gonna be amazing! Hard as heck, perhaps, but worth it!) Everyone in that class is white except one international student, about half are the preppy-with-money types, and I was the only older student... Class #2 is for my major, and had a 28 page syllabus. Attendance is mandatory, each assignment must be turned in or you fail the class, blah blah blah... each rule was explained IN DEPTH from the sylabus, and she talked to us like we had terminal stupidity. 80% of this class is black, almost all of us are poorer, and there were 4 older students in the class. It was... painful. I really despise being talked down to and expected to suck and cause trouble. Oh well, I really feel like I'll learn a lot from this class, so it's worth it.

I'm trying to make healthy friendships... and it is not going well. I'm so desperate for friends, I find myself cracking at the first sign that they might not like me, and falling back into the whole codependant please-need-me-so-I-know-you-won't-leave pattern. Most recently, my hubby and I took a foreign student to our family holidays over the break (wierdly enough she was only a few years younger than me), because she wasn't able to go home. She came to Christmas, New Years, and to see my sis-in-laws baby... and then after seeing my sis-in-law with me, began kinda brushing me off... not wanting to go to things, not texting back, etc... Needless to say, I feel very hurt. I probably shouldn't yet... I mean, maybe she's just busy or whatever. But friendships make you vulnerable, and this is scary terrain for me.

I'm still not hanging out with the friend who screwed me over at Christmas. We talked about the holiday screw-over, (the lie part actually, which she explained she didn't mean the way it came out in text, and she wasn't lying... she really did think there was a storm, and just was going to use it for her own gain. I believe her, but she still sucks for taking advantage of my ability to drive, and using it as a way to avoid becoming independant.) but I'm just not really up to being screwed over again yet. I'll give it a month or so... maybe take her kiddo out on a Jana & kid dinner date or something so the kid doesn't feel abandoned. Not really caring if the "friend" feels abandoned. *shrug* That's better than me going around her, and then cracking in anger because I'm not calmed down at her yet lol

The vegetarian thing is going well! Tonight - Thursday will be James's days to cook, which is a nice break for me. Tonight he made chili w/o meat, and it was EXCELLENT! Maybe he'll give us his recipe on here? I'm feeling full but without such a heavy feeling in my stomach each time I eat. It's very different!

Last night... *dramatic pause*... I excercised! I did a salsa dance, and it felt really good!

I'm getting the mic & sound on my computer fixed (the mic has been broke for like... since I got the computer.), so I'll be able to study languages again online!! Very excited about that.

And spiritually... God and I are chatting more, and I'm very happy about that.

So lots of growth going on here... lots of change... scary as hell I gotta tell you. My nerves are on edge, and I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster sometimes... with the excitement, nervousness, and fear of all the change and growth... but it'll be worth it all in the end, right?

My Vacation in Pics

These pics are in reverse order, because that's how blogger put them and i'm wayyyyyyy too lazy to move them all.
I found out that I may get a chance to watch my niece and nephew some Saturdays coming up! WOOO HOOOOO!!!!!! Baby time rocks.

K-boy has grown up!!! It's creepy how much he looks like his Uncle James.

I got to love him and hold him and cuddle him... watch him play with his wittle toys and drool all over EVERYTHING.

Nana also got to hold K-boy, who is looking rather Stewie-ish in this pic! LOL

And where did this all happen? At K-girls birthday party of course!!!! She just turned two years old, and look at the look on her face... Aunt Jana loves that kid SO much. Aunt Jana also got her first hug and high five from K-girl that night.

K-girl opened up her presents in her cute wittle dress...

Aunt Jana decided to make her look like an antique photo... with 411 pictures to choose from (all but 50 were from her party lol), I had lots of fun tinkering with pics lol

She got fishies for her birthday, and was SO EXCITED!!!!!!

Baby Flower was born!!!!!!!!!!! Aunt Jana got to sit in the waiting room all through the time that Mommy was being induced... and felt her heart plummet when she heard that the doctor had came out, grabbed Daddy, and said he didn't like how the labor was going and he was going to C-section the baby immediately. Nana and Aunt Jana prayed a lot, that Flower would be okay... and she came out perfectly healthy and looking just like her Mommy. Aunt Jana cried a little, she was so happy. So did Nana!

Uncle James looks so natural holding Flower... is this a sign?

Aunt Jana loves holding baby Flower!!!!

Mark and James played 13 Dead End Drive at the family Christmas at my house. Notice that Marks shirt says "I see dumb people." Also notice that Mark is looking at James.

Jakey LOVED making faces at the camera!!!! How can you not love this kid? I mean, really...

He's just so cute! Even when making monster faces!

We adopted a student from Japan for the holidays, and she played Monopoly for the first time!

Mommy and Momma Rita played too, as did Jana and Jakey. Jana got bored WAY before the ADHD (but medicated!) Jakey... is that sad or what?

K-boy was lookin all gangsta in his wittle hat at Nana's house for Christmas!

Jana gave Flower's mommy two goth onesies for Flower, just for fun! Aren't they cute? Jana also bonded with her other sis-in-law, pictured on the left. Scary stuff!!! (And yes, Kim and Jakey were at the family Christmas. DONT. ASK.)

Nana is showing K-girl the Sesame Street books Aunt Jana and Uncle James gave her for Christmas!

Altogether Jana had the best Christmas EVER. Somehow she forgot to upload the New Years Eve pics for this post, so you'll see them later... but this Christmas I really felt like i had a family... two precious neices and one nephew that I'm completely crazy about, family that I argued with, and so on... it was amazingly awesome.

The Friendship Game

Or

Not ALL of my friends suck.

(Don't you love those cute little retro book titles? "John and the Painful Adventure, or, Never Tease a Grisly Bear" hehe)

This weekend was bad... I already posted to you about one friend lying to me and taking advantage of me... another one said something to me that was just... TOTALLY out of bounds. I was beginning to wonder why I bothered with friendships at all, if this was all I was going to get out of it...

And then a different friend came over. She saw I was upset, and asked what was wrong... listened to me rant, shared my anger at the situation... and then when I was done we talked about her problems. She also offered to help decorate my house with me for Christmas! I felt all kinds of loved, and realized that no, not all my friends suck. Just most. lol

So, you're probably asking yourself, "why doesn't Jana make new friends who don't suck so badly?" I asked myself that question too, and will now analyze the reasons:

1. I was a sucky friend in the past, and still see myself that way. I was selfish, and sometimes downright emotionally/verbally abusive to friends in the past. I still know that I have potential to hurt people this way again... and tell myself I don't deserve friends because of it. HOWEVER... although I have potential to hurt people, I don't do it... I don't even yell at them when they DO deserve it! lol

2. My house is not clean and has so many (big) problems, I'm embarassed to invite anyone over. This is completely true, and partially unavoidable. My house DOES have big problems, but most of them are in rooms guests don't enter. The only remaining severe problems are in the bathroom... (the seal beneath the toilet broke AGAIN. *sigh) and we have reached the point where we are calling a plumber on Monday. The toilet will be fixed, and we're going to price having the tub/sink piping redone and finding & replacing the leaky hot water pipe. For the first time in a year, we may be able to take real showers! *happy dance* And the cleaning? I just need to get the house clean, and see how clean I can keep it. If I do my best, and it's still not clean, then people will just have to love me anyway lol But I believe I DO have the ability to keep my house clean, I just have to teach myself how to do it.

3. I'm wierd, and I always say the wrong thing. This is probably true, and unavoidable. Especially with the stresses in my life at the moment, my mind and mouth don't always have the filter they are supposed to have between them. I may loose some friends because of this... but they would be true friends if that happened, now would they?

Okay, I'm sure there are more reasons buried deep inside my little psyche... but I need to finish the dishes and get my lazy butt to bed. Nite everyone!!!!!

The Intervention

So, how did my intervention go? I waited until the drive home, because I didn't want to ruin the trip... I didn't call her on the lie, but I did tell her that as of mid-Feb, whether she decided to spend her tax money on a car or not, I was done giving rides (except to church, and then only to church and food on the way). I explained that I needed to know that people like me for who I am and not what I do, and that I didn't want to be always asking myself if I was being taken advantage of.

She asked why I was waiting so long. LOL (I told her because I didn't want to tell her that when I knew she wouldn't have money to change her situation until Feb.)

Along the way, I realized why I keep a friend who is so obviously dysfunctional in my life...

Because I can be myself with her. Completely, totally myself, 95% of the time. She and James are the only people in my life that I feel this way with. With others I'm performing, striving to be good enough, to be accepted, to be what everyone wants. Since this friendship is so dysfunctional, I don't NEED to be accepted... because I'm needed. No matter what I do, I'll always be valued... because I'm needed. And even if I wasn't needed... this particular friend is almost always okay with me being completely, wholeheartedly, me. She gets when I don't want to talk, when I just want to stay in my house, when I compulsively crochet as I listen to her talk (and she knows that YES, I am listening). She doesn't think I'm wierd when I say something stupid or backwards... She gets that I'm sometimes restless and moody... and although sometimes she makes me want to throw objects, other times being with her is one of the most relaxing things in my life.

I'll be analyzing the friendship issue further throughout this weekend.

What the Heck?

Picture this...

You are willing taking a friend Christmas shopping, because has no motivation to learn to drive and is dependant on others. You tell her that you will drive the 15 minutes to get her, the 30 minutes to the shopping center, and then reverse all of that. You are never offered gas money. Your ownly stipulation is that you go late late at night, to 24 hour stores, to avoid the crowd.

Your friend texts to see if you are still planning to go. When you say yes, she tells asks if you can go early because her mom said a big storm was coming. You check the local TV station, Intellicast, and Accuweather, and see no storm. You text back saying this, and your friend says she just wanted to go earlier so you could take her to the dollar tree.

The more I think about this, the more REALLY angry I'm feeling. I really, really, really, hate being lied too.

Soooo... to salvage the friendship, we're going to have a bit of an "intervention" tonight. The kind of intervention where a friend is told "If you don't use your tax money to get a car and driving lessons, there will be no more rides for you, ANYWHERE, except church (cuz I do that for God's benefit, not yours, douchebag.) because your blatant abuse of my driving ability is making me want to commit acts of senseless violence against you feel really angry inside."

We'll see how this goes, and report back.

Jana standing up for self - take 2!! *film take thingy snapping closed and episode beginning*

Week in Review 8/29

Jen always does a Week in Review, and it looked kinda fun. Here's my week.

Saturday:
*Bought 1/2 lb jalapanos & 1 bunch of cilantro for salsa - $1.23
*Stayed at Kim's house, randomly crafted, watched The Mist. (Not bad at all! Wierd, but cool.)

Sunday:
*Went to church with Kim & Jakey. Our church is fasting in September, so she decided that she and I were going to fast pop. I was very impressed, and am now drinking Diet Coke like crazy while I still can. lol
*Watched Halloween - Curse of Michael Myers (Really good!!!!) and Halloween - Resurrection (OMW. SO. STUPID. Didn't even finish the movie.)
*Sewed pieces of fabric together for future quilted bibs.
*Went to evening service at church with James, and then grabbed Mexican food... Carne Verde = Heaven. Seriously... so yummy. Also was almost brave enough to speak to the waiter in Spanish. Almost. (No idea why I have a phobia of speaking Spanish to waiters... *shrug*)

Monday:
*Watched Star Wars - Episode 1 with James while crafting.
*Learned a new crochet stitch called the Open Ridge Stitch. This is the front:

This is the back:I really liked that stitch, and will probably make a few more things out of it.

Tuesday:
*Watched Star Wars - Episode 2 with my hubby while randomly crafting. Cut out some pics from magazines, sewed some more quilt pieces together.
*Made Salsa, and it didn't suck!!!!! Woooooooooo!!!!

Wednesday:
*James made a pie, and out of his deep love for me, saved me raw pie dough to eat. I love that man!
*Mother in law and Aunt Clara were both put in the hospital. While in the waiting room, we got a call from Andrea and Sherwood (who we haven't chatted with in over a month) to say that their pastor had been in a car accident and they wanted us to pray. On our way to exit the hospital, we ran into Brittany & Phillip, who I haven't seen since January. Brit was in the ER after falling in the shower, hitting the sink, the sink cracking off the wall, and Brit possibly breaking/fracturing her back. We gave hugs to their kiddos (Gracie is 3 now, and was going to come home with us but got scared at the last minute. Hannah is 9 months old and SO CHUBBY!!! And all kinds of cute brown hair.) and gave them out new phone number. Altogether the weirdest night we've had in ages.
*Learned a new crochet stitch called the Alternate Puff Stitch. Not my favorite stitch, and I've decided I hate this yarn right now.

Thursday:
*Wierdness continues as the neighbor stops by to introduce herself and give us Avon books. (I forgot to tell her that you were my personal Avon rep Leti. Oops. Which reminds me... any Imari on sale?) She stayed a while, and came back later to bring her daughter over. She (the daughter) is in Pre-Algebra and needing help, and I rock as a pre-algebra tutor, so... that's awesome. She is kinda goth, wants to be a coroner, and may be able to get me permission to go with her to see an autopsy!!! HOLY CRAP!!!!!! I love my life.
*Watched Star Wars - Episode 3 for the first time, in between neighbor visits. Anni goes evil, Padme dies, and even Yoda is injured? I have a love/hate relationship with that movie.
*Sewed together the pieces I'd been putting together all week to form the quilt blocks. This is my fave design...
These are an old design that I am still attached to. It was so much easier to do these this time...
I love the design of these but HATE how they turned out. Going to try it with different material this time and going to be careful NOT to accidently hit the needle placement over to the left while sewing these. *sigh*
Love this design!Friday:
*Off work early! Went to the thrift store and bought shirts for me and some baby clothes for K-boy.
*Watched Michelle Obama's speech at the Democratic Convention... WOW. I'm speechless.
*Realized how much more fabric I already have cut out to piece together. Go me!

How was YOUR week?

Greetings from Tennessee!!!

Hello my beloved bloggers!! I have missed you!

I'm here in Tennessee, hanging out at Alison's house! I would post pics of the trip so far (OMW, Mammoth Caves are SOOOOOOOOOO amazing! I filled up my memory card with pics and had to start deleting to make room for pics for more adventures.) but I forgot to bring my USB cord.

We're having a blast at Alison's house, threatening to consumate her bed tonight (haha just kidding! *all laughing hysterically*) We ate at the WORST "international" restaurant EVER, but thank God they at least had the chinese sugar donut thingys and ice cream or we would have starved! Alison tried squid (ew.) and frog legs (eh. Wierd.) , James tried some seafood things that i could not even LOOK AT... SO GROSS (He ate squid tentacles, and some other gross things.) I should have taken pics... or maybe I'm glad I didn't.

Tomorrow we plan to... umm... do something. We aren't sure what, but we have
Star Crunches and Oatmeal Creme Pies, so life is good no matter what we do!!!

Alison is the hostess with the mostest... letting us crash at her house without any warning. She even intuitively knew to invite us to crash! I love having sister-esque friends who are awesome like that. I'm having a blast seeing Alison's life from the inside out... looking at her braille cookbook, checking out her blind-people-equipment, and having all kind of fun bondings. James is searching Alison's closet for no apparent reason, and I think Alison is a bit afraid... but in a good way. He and Alison are discussing the dead bodies hidden in Alison's closet behind the vacuum cleaner. Fun times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's Up, Buttercup?

So you're probably wondering what I've been doing...

Well, aside from the basics.. (the car is FIXED!!!!!!!! Made my first crock pot meal, had my first real fight with James, had my first make-up sex with James - and YES, it IS all it's cracked up to be!!!! lol, visited my mommy, hung out with Kim and Jakey)... I have been:

Attempting to transplant a Hollyhock plant from my mom's house. So far, it is not going well lol


Admiring the growth of my green beans... and if you look close, do you know what you'll see?
A BLOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! From each of these blooms will come a green bean!! *beyond excited*

Taking wierd pics of the awesomely cool flowers growing in my yard...
And making a stockpile of things to sell, either on my Etsy site once I get it up and running, or at local craft fairs... and my current obsession? BABY BIBS!!!!!

This is my work table, filled with bibs in process and 3 that are ready to sell already! :) I'm learning so much from making them, and having a TON of fun in the process. So far I've only done ones for girls, but once I use up these yarns I'll switch and do some for boys. FUN!!!!! :o)

So.... what have YOU all been doing???

A Little Down

I really hate birthdays. I know I rant about that every year, but they really do annoy me. I miss my dad like crazy... I miss hoping he would call... I just miss him. I plan to visit his grave sometime soon.

I have decided that every friend in my outside-the-computer-life asks for far too much help from me, and am considering going on a help-strike. No homework help, no computer help, no rides, no cleaning.... ESPECIALLY if the words "thank you" are not included in your vocabulary.

Now that I have ranted, and feel cleansed...

Not everything is bad!!!! Lots is good, in fact!

Remember when I posted here about my intimacy issues because of endometriosis?? We have learned to compensate, and that the pain kind of cycles... some days don't hurt at all! (Other days... well... we won't go there.) Intimacy rocks!!!!!!!!!!!!

I finally finished one of the two swaps I'm behind on... One was making 31 pages for an itty bitty book to swap, (that one I finished) and one is making 11 quilt blocks to swap. I LOVE LOVE LOVE how much swaps like that stretch my abilities!! I learn SO much from each swap I enter! I do not-so-much love how much pressure I feel as I swap... "Is it good enough? Will people like it? Mine seems different than everyone else's!" I need to learn that although Jana-art is very different than other people's... (less girl stuff. lots more words. less ribbons. No bows.)... it is okay. I need to look for swaps that seem to embrace that distinctiveness. I also need to READ THE FREAKING DIRECTIONS BEFORE I MAKE THE STUFF!! You know, I always got a G (G = good, S = Satisfactory, N = needs improvement) on my report card in kindergarten for "Follows directions well". Why the heck am I having such a problem as an adult?!?! Also, while I'm ranting, WHERE THE HECK IS MY SEAM RIPPER?! Okay, I feel better now that i've said that.

Okay, this post is getting really random... probably because it's six am and I'm awake... *shudder*. I have a nice warm bed waiting for me, and an awesome hubby to cuddle... so... goodnight everyone! If you've managed to read this far, and survived my completely bizarre ramblings... you deserve a cookie. Oatmeal cookie, anyone? *handing them out, one plate of with raisins and one plate without*

A Chapter Closes

With Andrea and Whitney moving to Oklahoma, a chapter of my life has closed. For months I have questioned who in my Ohana was lying to me... I've heard exactly opposite stories coming from Whitney and Brit. Finally the liar was flushed out the Friday before last...

Brit stopped by to see Andrea & Sherwood that night, and they chatted a little while. The subject of my wedding came up, and Brit decided to play the victim act... she was the "only one who helped with my wedding", and then I "went all Bridezilla on her", (actually, i cried, because she had called me "Bridezilla" when I asked for help ONCE with the wedding, after putting up with her Prego-zilla antics for months beforehand.) and THAT is why she didn't help with my wedding.

Obviously, we now know who can't be trusted... especially since Andrea and Sherwood had been told almost nothing about my wedding, so they couldn't have known without Brit.

So now Andrea and Sherwood are making a new life for themselves in Oklahoma... (yeah, of course the truth had to come out RIGHT before they moved, when it was too late for us to hang out much.)

I've e-mailed Brit on Myspace, asking her to bring me back a book & movie of mine and to get her stuff out of my house... I told her I wouldn't yell, we didn't even have to talk... I just wanted my stuff back and my shelves free of her stuff. Once she gets that message (she hasn't logged onto her Myspace yet) I'll delete her from my Myspace friends...

And I'm posting this here, as a reminder to myself... THIS is why I have "deleted" Brit from my life. THIS is why I shouldn't trust her again.

My Weekend In Pictures!

This weekend was filled with all kinds of fun and adventure!!!! Friday, we had company! Andrea and Whitney came to visit us, and guess who came with them? Their daughter Phoenix!!!! Isn't she adorable???Check out her uber-cute shoes!! I used to have a pair just like them. Here she is also sporting James's Shrek ears... I bought them for him when Shrek 2 first came out, and I think that's one of the ways we knew we were first in love... I was so excited about giving him the Shrek ears, and he was so cute wearing them!!! I think he was equally surprised that I'd thought of him, and bought him a random gift... we were both filled with warm-love-feelings.

Saturday, I was SO in the zone for making art!!! I finished organizing my crapload-of-papers-cut-for-collaging, and actually made ornaments again!!! Here are all of the ornaments finished with Step 2: Sealing, and waiting for Step 3: Embellishment.
And here are the ones that are in progress:
Then, on Sunday, Andrea & Whitney came to visit us again... the last visit before their big move to Oklahoma. *sniffle*
Here is Sherwood and Phoneix...
Sherwood is OCD like me, so she happily worked a puzzle on my art table!

And made funny faces at the camera!!! :o) And when she got bored with the puzzle, she decided to play our current fave video game... Need for Speed: Most Wanted!!! (I am up to #10 on the blacklist! GO ME!) Andrea sat at the art table and had a quick crochet lesson from me... and then worked on a box! I had it sitting around, because I didn't know what to do with it... I'll have to show you all a pic of the box in the end, it looks AWESOME!
And where was my beloved throughout all of this? He was sitting on the couch, watching movies with Phoenix... playing video games with her... making funny faces at my camera...
And buying us pizza!!!!!!! Here, he is playing the part of a very grumpy pizza man. "WHY must you insist on taking pics of me?!"

And here he is, playing the part of a happy pizza delivery man! "Oh, yes, I SHOULD smile... this pizza is gonna taste really good!"
We all ate our pizza, and happily chilled... then went in to watch a movie. (What movie did we watch? I can't remember! OH wait, we watched Mulan! I remember because the box to it is on the floor in this picture lol)


And then Andrea & Whitney & Phoenix went home... and the next day they packed up their little car and a Uhaul, and started their big adventure in Oklahoma... I miss them already.