Why Me?

Why does it always have to happen to me?

I get all kinds of cleaning done, happily get water heating up in a pan on the stove to shower with (Yes, we still have no hot water. 10 months now...) so I won't reak of BO as we go to church, and remember that I have to see what Christmas decorations we have so I can bring them into work tomorrow. So, as the water is heating up, I go out to the laundry room to find the boxes of decorations.

First of all, one box seems to be lost. Which would be bad, except... the two boxes that I did find? Ruined. Everything except the glass ornaments and the lights (possibly) were ruined. Between water damage (how the heck did they get water damage?!), mildew or mold of some sort, and mice... almost everything is ruined.

I could have handled all of that... but when I got to the bottom of the first box, I saw a spider.

And I even could have handled that... had I been able to find the mouse advent calendar that I've had since childhood. The one that every year my mom would put a candy in each days slot, and as the mouse moved into a new day I got to eat the candy. I NEED that calendar!!!!!!!!!!! That stupid calendar is one of the few childhood things I have left that make me feel safe and comforted... I can't loose it! I really really really NEED that calendar. More than I can even understand.

So maybe the other box of decorations are in the trunk of my car (God knows what is in the trunk of my car.) or at my Mom's house... I don't know.

Life is SO unfair. I have no idea what I could even have DONE to deserve this... the laundry room evindently has a leak of some kind (leaky room number 3, sometimes 4... the bathroom leaks when it rains really hard.) , the back bedroom has leaked so badly that everything in it has a dusty whitish-green coat of mold on it, and our bedroom leaks so bad that it wakes me up when it rains outside. I can't even count how many things have been ruined in the year and a half that I've owned this house.

And all of this, every stupid rotten unfair thing, I could handle... if I could just wash it away with a good shower.

Neglect & Commitment

In looking at my house today, I came to a deep realization...


The office, the one room in our house devoted to my hobbies and used almost exclusively by me, is the worst kept room in our house. It isn't just a little messy, or a little trashed... It is completely and utterly out of control.

I still have the contents of our bathroom cabinet in my house from renovation time in August. I believed we were going to finish the renovations soon, which involved lifting the sink up again, and just never bothered to put the stuff back below the sink again.

I also never put the equipment away. Notice on the floor a shovel and the red power tool (jigsaw, I think), and the blue bag filled with manuals about plumbing and other home improvements.. Also notice the binder on the floor, which was meant to be my collage journal book... randomly tossed away.

I have no excuse at all for the other two areas. My computer area is a complete disaster. In my defense, the videos laying all around WERE in a nice tidy pile, but I knocked it over. *sigh*

And the table area... wow. I have no words for this.


This housekeeping tells a lot about me. The rooms used for everyone's benefits are far cleaner. The clutter in them is much less and much newer. They have been vacuumed more recently. They are cared for, a reflection of how I care about others, about "us" as a whole. The room I use is neglected, it's contents scattered carelessly, and the lowest on my priority list... a reflection of how I treat myself.


This holiday weekend I am making a commitment, to ME.


I commit to take only one friend to one destination (Kim to church) and no other errands on behalf of others.


I commit to working first and foremost to clean in my office, purely for my own benefit and sanity.


I commit to restablishing a solid pratice of daily collage. I commit to getting all of my supplies together and a bit more organized (but not anally organized.)


I commit to taking time to chat with God, my strongest supporter.

I commit to doing this all at my own pace, while still enjoying myself with fun things along the way.

The Weight of the World

Today, for the first time in... two years? Three years? My family actually got together for a holiday! I decided to go ahead and go, since I was feeling some better. I'm still feeling better (which reminds me, crap, I didn't take my antibiotic with my afternoon munching/supper-ish thing. BRB, doing that now.) *returning with Stovetop stuffing leftovers to eat with the meds.* My throat is sore today from talking and singing so much on the way home, (We've always sung Christmas songs on the way home from Thanksgiving. ALWAYS.) and ears still feel all full and gross, but I'm otherwise doing pretty darn good!

The family gathering was awesome, we had SO much fun!!!! James was himself, which was awesome... it was the first time my family really got to know him at all. We had a bonfire, and burnt a couch. (HOLY. FREAKIN. CRAP. Dude... the minute that thing caught fire, it was like WHOOSH and huge nasty black smoke and crazy intense heat came out of it! AND THAT WAS JUST FROM TWO CUSHIONS! Amy the Awesome Cousin has pics.) I got to see Amy the Awesome Cousin and her hubby and kids... I really love Amy's family. Her hubby's sense of dry humor just cracks me up! Her oldest kiddo (who barely qualifies as a kiddo, since she IS like 16 now.), Kid #1, and I always have fun chatting, and I got to know Kid #2 a lot better through the day... and got to spend real time with Kid #3 and Kid #4, for the first time EVER... the only other times I've seen them is at a funeral (our Grandpa) and a wedding (mine). Kid #3 said the prayer over our food, and it contained a phrase similar to: "And God I love you, I really do, and that's why I do! Amen!!!" So cute!

On the downside, and I do have to blog about this since it IS what the title is based on... my grandma did not enjoy the family gathering. And being the youngest (and favorite) grandchild, I feel like that is all my fault. I came in, gave her a hug, and told her I had to stay away from her cuz I was sick and contagious. (Because I AM sick, and possibly contagious, and she is already on a nebulizer 3 times every day. And I have a COUGH. *blink* This is a bad combo.) I didn't chat with her much, even when I noticed others weren't talking to her either. I didn't even talk to her much at the table, when I felt like she was always watching me. I wasn't sure what to say or what to do, so I quietly pondered... and she ended up leaving the room to just be alone. And although I know that we were a noisy and overwhelming group, with lots of kids and so on, I keep feeling like it's all my fault.

In the past, this situation would have concluded like this: I would have kept blaming myself. I would have hated myself. I would have felt a heavy weight of guilt, and assumed that everyone else blamed me as much as I blamed myself. I would have avoided family until they had a chance to forget, and then felt more guilty for avoiding them. (Do you see an endless cycle forming? It did.)

I'm putting the brakes on it today... I had a GREAT time with my family, and my grandma was most likely just truly overwhelmed. Mom said that my Aunt Ruth is feeling just as guilty as I am, maybe even more so, because Grandma had changed her mind about going a couple of days ago, but Aunt Ruth persuaded her to come anyway since she was the reason we decided to celebrate together. The weight of the world doesn't rest on me. The weight of my grandma's happiness and well-being does not rest squarely on my two shoulders. Maybe I made a mistake, and didn't talk to her enough. The world won't end from that... I can always go visit her and chat with her then. I can forgive myself, I can move on....

And I can instead switch to feeling the guilt and lethargy brought on by eating insanely huge portions of turkey, stuffing, and PIE!!!! I love my family... sweet potato casserole, turkey that was SO MOIST, mashed potatoes that were perfectly done, and did I mention pies? Pumpkin, apple, double-decker pumpkin (made by my Beloved), and CHERRY. *happy sigh*

*taking antibiotic, finishing my portion of stuffing, and heading to BED*

Happy Thanksgiving Eve!!!!!

Quick update:

Still feeling crappy, but I DID go to the doctor last night. I have a nasal spray that is supposed to help clear up my ear infection, and an antibiotic specifically geared to people with tolerance to amoxicillan (which I have... cuz dude, I was ALWAYS sick as a kid, and they always prescribed that! Even when I didn't work... but it tasted yummy!). I'm supposed to call on Saturday to update the doc, and if it's not better by Monday I have to see an ENT doctor to find out why I've had this ear infection since May. In the meantime if I can just get rid of the sniffle and the cough... I'd be great.

No idea yet if we'll get to go to either family gathering tomorrow... if I feel like I would be contagious, I can't go to mom's family, because I can't risk making my Grandma sick. We might try to go to James's family, since no one there has low immunity... but I doubt it. I really want to try to go to my family. Soooooo... I've packed my yarn and other fun stuff in my little bag in case we get to go, and we'll see how I feel in the morning. Now I'm on my way to take my antibiotic with a Star Crunch and some tea, and head to bed.... Happy Turkey Day everyone!!!!!

Back at Square One

So, after a week of keeping the faith and all...

Here I am, again, in the mullygrubs.

I'm still sick, and Thanksgiving is two days away. I have GOT to get better!! Cousin Amy might be moving across the US, and I wanna see her first! The sinus infection is mostly gone, having left some fun bronchitis in it's stead.

I have paid my heat bill, and the heat is supposed to be turned on and my pilot light lit sometime today. Unfortunately, I had to go through minor hell yesterday to get it...

*scene fading to yesterday*

Work yesterday was hell. Shortstaffed, blah blah blah... by the time I got off work, ALL I wanted to do was lay down and sleep. Unfortunately, life didn't happen that way. A friend came over with a flat tire. I took her with me as I ran errands, and then brought her to her job, after stopping at McDonalds. McDonalds, BTW, screwed up everything I ordered. So badly, in fact, that they ended up giving me back all of my money, and remaking all of my food. I went home to wait to pick up the aforementioned friend from work. She was going to borrow my car, run to her mommy's house in another town to pick up a tire, and come back. Greeted my hubby, gave him hugs, made him load laundry into his car, and picked up my friend. Came home to get James's car to take to the laundrymat, shut the cat's tail in the door (owwie!), blah blah blah...

Went to the laundromat, completely exhausted, because we were out of clean clothes. James had worked a 12 hour shift and had to be back awake at 3AM, so it fell to me to do the laundry. Fine, okay, great. Got home at 9 ish, brushed my teeth, changed into jammies, and went to bed.

Couldn't sleep. Where is my car? Why is my friend taking so long? blah blah blah... my thoughts were whirring. I didn't realize HOW late my friend was supposed to work, so by 1:30AM I was wide awake, putting on my jacket, and going to look for her.... when she came in. *sigh.* She'd just gotten off work, grabbed clothes, and came straight over. I felt like a moron.

Went to bed, slept like a baby. woke up, came to work... brought my friend with me because she had a class here on campus, then was going back to my house to wait for the furnace man. Except the key wouldn't work in the door of my house. SO... after being verbally lashed out at by a virtual stranger here at work, FOR DOING MY JOB... I had to leave work. I was in tears... I had to admit that my gas had been shut off because I was so poor, and then a stranger was ranting, and I was still exhausted...

And now, it's lunchtime. I have piles of work waiting for me when I come back, a meeting I've put off with my boss since yesterday (because other people are gone, I've been doing two people's jobs... while trying to do my own too!), and so on and so forth....

I'm keeping the faith...

But do you mind if I keep some alcohol too?

Keepin' the Faith

Before I begin my actual post, some questions were asked about henna tattoos.

Henna is a plant that produces a red-orange dye, which is used in body art in the Middle East, India, and even Africa. In fact, it's even talked about in the Bible (it's called Camphire there.) Hehe looking at Wikipedia, it looks like henna for body art is actually illegal here, which makes me feel even warmer and fuzzier inside about using it. Anyway, the henna leaves are mashed into a paste, which is applied to your skin in pretty designs. You let the paste dry, and as it is drying your skin absorbs the dye! After a while it fades... mine was done on Monday, and now part of the design is totally gone, and part is faded.

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So, my devoted readers will probably remember that about a week ago that I was posting about being very depressed, and how life was just completely sucking.

That was last Saturday. I felt like everything was crashing around me... our finances were the worst they'd ever been, we couldn't even afford to get our heat turned on... work was CRAZY, with everyone spatting and all this drama, in addition to an insanely high work load... and so on and so forth.

Sunday I dragged my lazy butt to church, only to hear my pastor preach on faith. By the end, I realized I had completely given up hope for my situation! I had decided things were never going to get better, and we'd always have to struggle like this. I decided to let go, stop the panic, and cancel my trip to the pawn shop. (Seriously. I had stuff packed.) I decided to just trust God, have faith, and relax.

So how did that work out for me?

Sunday afternoon a friend took me out for supper at Dennys! I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. Monday when I got to work, the coworker who all the drama had centered around had quit. My workload increased a little, but life is SO PEACEFUL there now in comparison. 75% of my job stress ended that day. I was able to sleep without waking up in the middle of the night, worrying about work! Then, when I got home from work, James told me that instead of his job cutting his hours, like they had been doing, he was on manditory overtime! He has worked 76 hours this week, and next week he will have at least 10 more hours of overtime! (If not more... James plans to be working overtime frequently until Christmas.)

The bills are being paid, the heat will be turned on sometime next week (whenever we can actually be HOME, so they can come turn it on.), the job is bearable, and in general....

Life is good.

So if you're going through one of those periods where life sucks, keep the faith. It works.

Life Update in Pictures

Henna tattoo. I got this from a student group at the college I work at, as part of International Education Week... and holy crap, it was awesome!!!! I could fall in love with these. Also, as an added bonus, mine seem to soak into the skin better because my skin is so dry! SWEET!! (On a side note, can anyone else find the giraffe on my hand?)

A deformed butter lid. Coincidentally, the notches melted into it seem to match the pattern on the right front burner of my stove exactly. *sigh*

A puzzle! My mommy and I worked it Saturday, now I just have to glue it together and put it on my wall!

A coloring page!!!! Tammy V is designing coloring pages again for Art Everyday Month! You can find this one here. My inner child was BEYOND happy with this, and went to town painting last night! Thanks Tammy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I'm going to lay down, because I'm getting a cold. Good news and "eh." news to share later.

*hugs to all*

Dancing & Life

Last night was my second dance party, following a pre-party Waltz class. I struggled a lot, but I had a LOT of fun. I can now do some basic steps in: Foxtrot, ChaCha, Rumba, East Coast Swing, Merangue, and since none of us were giving requests to the DJ, we all learned a line dance.... which was surprisingly HARD physically. I was like... wow.

Talked to a lady there who teaches belly dancing on the campus I work at... she does that on Monday nights, so I may join the fun. They're free, and since this month will be my last regular dance class for a while as we save up money to pay for books for my classes in January... this might be a fun option for me.

I still don't feel like I have any control over my body... I still feel like the uncoordinated kid in the corner who people choose last for EVERY sports team. I wonder how long I have to dance before my body feels like it's mine, ya know?

I've become depressed. This new job, recurring grief over my dad, upcoming holidays, financial issues, combined with the normal crap (the house isn't clean, at all, because I've been depressed. I'm more depressed because the house is dirty. I'm depressed because I feel fat and ugly. Since I'm depressed, I overeat and just want to sleep all the time, thereby making myself gain more weight...) has just been too much. I need to talk to a doctor about happy pills, but that brings us back to the financial issues... I owe money to the doctor (stupid insurance switch at my old job, I didn't realized they weren't paying my doctor bills til it was too late.), so I can't get in to see her until I pay... and even if I did, I couldn't afford the prescription...

Basically, every area of my life is out of control... and I'm cracking. So, I'll go back to making collages, spending time with myself, letting myself heal... perhaps that will be enough to get me through.

New Creations

So, for those of you who are wondering...

Yes, I have been crocheting again! I made a new baby set... hoping to get some things made to try and sell in December. We'll see how that works. For now... I made a baby sweater: (My first baby sweater! I'm so excited about that!)



And a reversable baby bib...

And even a hat!!!!

Fredbert was kind enough to model the hat, but it looked kinda wrong on him... he was being all rap star about it, which is just wrong in a girly hat, ya know? LOL

I DID IT!!!!!

Tonight, I had dance class....

And I did it right!!!!!!!!

I struggled, A LOT, but in the end I danced and I danced and I got the dance RIGHT! My instructor gave me compliments, TWICE!!!!!!!

In all honestly, life has been really hard lately and my self-esteem has flat-lined... it seems like every area of my life is in chaos... I can't do things right in any of them. My house is a mess, I can't seem to get things done fast enough at work (we have a horrible backlog... the person before me died in like... June? lots of work to catch up on), the bills are out of control, and so on and so forth...

But one little thing, done right, made me feel like a million bucks, and I am SO holding on to that.

OH! And I did a turn, without trouble! I was the first girl to get it right! Hehe that rocked too.

Fall

Leaves sparkle brightly
The morning sun glinting off the night's dew
Covering the ground
A beautiful blanket of fall hues

League of Women Voters?

A lady I work with belongs to the League of Women Voters, and I was just wondering if any of you had any interaction with them? I'm contemplating joining... and no, not just because the co-worker mentioned a party for the LWV members, complete with FOOD. Although, in the spirit of full disclosure, the promise of food DID cause me to be interested enough to look up the stands the LWV takes on different issues. Also, they distributed the "I voted today" stickers at the polls... and you know, I have a weakness for stickers. And food.

Anyway, if you HAVE been involved with or encountered the LWV women, I'd love to know your thoughts. If not, and you're wondering what the heck I'm rambling about, you can check our their national website here:

http://www.lwv.org/

My local website is here:

http://lwvvigocounty.org/

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In other news, Obama is going to be our new president!!!!!

I know a lot of you may be upset about that, saying things like "where is our country going, and why are we in this handbasket?" (hehe, that statement always cracks me up on t-shirts.) but regardless of your belief system, you have to admit that Obama has AMAZING potential to unite our country. I urge you to give him a fair shot, and stand behind him on whatever issues you feel are morally right. He IS the leader of our country now, and I wholeheartedly believe he deserves a chance to prove himself without our constant judgement.

I believe that he can unite this country, and we have been divided for SO LONG. I don't think we have truly been "United we stand", except for a very brief period after Sept 11, since WWII. That is SO sad... and divided we WILL fall. I believe it's time we set aside our own agendas, our old arguements, and try for once to do something together as a country. Like... perhaps... get our economy out of the crapper?

TRUE change requires a united front... and change is the one platform everyone agreed on across the party lines. So now... lets unite and change some things!!!!

ROFL

Tonight's best quotes from Big Bang Theory:

Leonard: What's going on in there?
Penny: The only way I could explain is to a therapist using dolls.

Penny: Holy crap on a cracker!

That is the BEST. SHOW. EVER.