Today was not a good day. I woke up at 2AM? 2:30 AM? I dunno. Somewhere in there. Didn't get back to sleep til sometime after 4AM. Woke up late, and was a couple of minutes late to work. Had a migrane...
Had an "incident" with my boss during my unpaid (and late.) lunch... it was bad this time. I mean, I have had bad issues with my boss before, but this was the absolute WORST yet. He really went off on me today, totally inappropriately... I was SOOOOOOOOOOOO angry at him, my hands were shaking for over an hour after the incident. I sat at my desk and cried as I worked for two hours, but there was so much work coming into my desk that I couldn't even leave to calm down. I came home, and promptly threw up... twice. I was THAT upset.
Through this though, I realized that if I really want to accomplish my dream of one day having an art business, I need to GET IN GEAR. I'd been doing more art this week anyway... even had Mod Podge on my hands two different evenings! (Mod Podge on the hands is a sacred feeling.) So... we are getting serious about art business and debt reduction.
February Goals:
-Play with art and see what I can make, and if anyone shows interest in buying.
-Calculate the debts I have, and make some fun "color me" charts to color my debt-elimination progress
-Continue learning about veggie cooking
-Enjoy married life
I have no idea what I'll do about the job. One day at a time... the longer I work there, the more $ I make. The more $ I make, the less debts I will have. The less debts I have, the less of a slave I am to my job... because debt gives my finances power over me, instead of me having power over my finances. And I'm going to pray about it. That will help more than anything.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Facets
The most enviable writers are those who, quite often unanalytically and unconsciously, have realized that there are different facets to their nature and are able to live and work with now one, now another, in the ascendant. - Dorothea Brande
While reading Shelley's blog yesterday evening, I listened to her describe a new facet of herself she is learning to embrace.
And I thought to myself, "self, this sounds like how you became Jana!"
Today, I will tell you the tale.
Many moons ago, I was known by my "real name" - Janet. Janet seemed to me to be a very boring name, for a very boring person. I felt plain, ugly... just another white-trash girl from a small town. Nothing special. Then... I got internet access! When I first went online, I joined an e-mail group and was promptly given the nickname "JanaBanana"... Jana for short.
I quickly learned that being online opened up a whole new world for me. When I turned on my computer, I was no longer limited by my situation. Jana could be ANYONE SHE WANTED!!!! Thus, my "inner Jana" began to take shape.
Janet laughed to hide her pain... Jana faced it with courage. Janet let people hurt her, because she felt helpless... Jana stood up for herself. Janet had been told all of her life that she'd never amount to anything... Jana felt like she could do anything and everything! Janet hid all of her creative works away from a world she feared... Jana embraced her creativity, and refused to care who liked it.
Now, 8 or so years have passed. Slowly but surely, Janet and Jana have become one and the same. Janet is still here, with her insecurities and issues... but with the help of Jana's creativity and strength, Janet has healed and grown. Together... we are becoming whole.
Now, my question for the day:
What facet of your personality would YOU like to tell us about?
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Tonight's Achievement:
I played Word Whomp, and now my hubby is addicted. So, unfortunately, am I! LOL
Politics Today - Narrowing the Focus
Okay, my last political post got a little bit chaotic, so I decided to narrow my focus a little today.
In the last post, we asked about legislating morals in general.
Leti quoted us scriptures, showing that some things our country allows are things Christians are forbidden to do in the Bible.
Tammy V quoted from the Bible as well, pointing out that God gave Adam & Eve the gift of "free will" (the ability to choose right or wrong.)
Tammy M pointed out that she values the freedoms we have in this country, and is not entirely comfortable having the government take our individual choices out of our hands.
Kerri said that legislating morality was not the issue... but instead the issue was that our government should take a stand against what the people do not approve of. (Note to Kerri: Do you have any statistics about what percentages of the American people are against abortion and gay marriage?)
Today's political question is:
Does the government have the right to legislate morals for it's citizens?
Share your opinion in our comments section! Mine will be posted during my lunch hour.
In the last post, we asked about legislating morals in general.
Leti quoted us scriptures, showing that some things our country allows are things Christians are forbidden to do in the Bible.
Tammy V quoted from the Bible as well, pointing out that God gave Adam & Eve the gift of "free will" (the ability to choose right or wrong.)
Tammy M pointed out that she values the freedoms we have in this country, and is not entirely comfortable having the government take our individual choices out of our hands.
Kerri said that legislating morality was not the issue... but instead the issue was that our government should take a stand against what the people do not approve of. (Note to Kerri: Do you have any statistics about what percentages of the American people are against abortion and gay marriage?)
Today's political question is:
Does the government have the right to legislate morals for it's citizens?
Share your opinion in our comments section! Mine will be posted during my lunch hour.
Monday, January 28, 2008
We Figured It Out!!!!!
Today, finally, it was warm enough for us to try and get into the crawl space underneath our house to find out why we were losing so much heat.
I say try, because the crawl space was barely large enough for me to get under the house, and then I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get back out. And even if I HAD gotten down there, the "doorway" between the laundry room (where the crawl space trapdoor is) and the rest of the house was filled with pipes and other wierd things.
HOWEVER, as I hung upside down, looking at the crawl space to see if I could see light coming through... I found light all right. A LOT of light.
Apparently our darling doggie, Sarah, thinks it is fun to dig. (We already knew that though.) What we did NOT know, is that she was digging her holes RIGHT BESIDE THE HOUSE, in the little bitty gap between our house and the fence. She dug so much, in fact, that there was a hole about one foot wide and maybe 6 inches tall, where air was getting in under our house! Not to mention the 3 other holes we found around/under the foundation!!!!
We spent our evening plugging those holes (spare boards, lots of dirt, a few random bits of bricks we found) and trying to fix our fence so that our doggie couldn't get out. Unfortunately, when we left for a few minutes later, the doggie met us as we got home... on the sidewalk. OUTSIDE the fence. *sigh* Another day, another battle, eh?
So now we have a doggie who found a way out of the fence, who loves to play in our bags of trash when we take them out.... (not to mention a back yard that badly needs cleaned, thanks to the afore-mentioned doggie. Who, i might add, is cute and chubby, and definately not getting in the trash to find food because she is starved.)
And a burst hot water pipe under the house. (As I hung upside down from the crawl space, I heard rushing water... never a good sound. I shut off the hot water, and voila! It stopped.)
But in happy news... my house is warmer!!!!!!!!!!!!! *happy dance*
I say try, because the crawl space was barely large enough for me to get under the house, and then I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get back out. And even if I HAD gotten down there, the "doorway" between the laundry room (where the crawl space trapdoor is) and the rest of the house was filled with pipes and other wierd things.
HOWEVER, as I hung upside down, looking at the crawl space to see if I could see light coming through... I found light all right. A LOT of light.
Apparently our darling doggie, Sarah, thinks it is fun to dig. (We already knew that though.) What we did NOT know, is that she was digging her holes RIGHT BESIDE THE HOUSE, in the little bitty gap between our house and the fence. She dug so much, in fact, that there was a hole about one foot wide and maybe 6 inches tall, where air was getting in under our house! Not to mention the 3 other holes we found around/under the foundation!!!!
We spent our evening plugging those holes (spare boards, lots of dirt, a few random bits of bricks we found) and trying to fix our fence so that our doggie couldn't get out. Unfortunately, when we left for a few minutes later, the doggie met us as we got home... on the sidewalk. OUTSIDE the fence. *sigh* Another day, another battle, eh?
So now we have a doggie who found a way out of the fence, who loves to play in our bags of trash when we take them out.... (not to mention a back yard that badly needs cleaned, thanks to the afore-mentioned doggie. Who, i might add, is cute and chubby, and definately not getting in the trash to find food because she is starved.)
And a burst hot water pipe under the house. (As I hung upside down from the crawl space, I heard rushing water... never a good sound. I shut off the hot water, and voila! It stopped.)
But in happy news... my house is warmer!!!!!!!!!!!!! *happy dance*
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Progress!
I am SUPERJANA!!!!!!!
Today, despite the fact that I am not wearing my famed Superwoman undies, I am getting ALL kinds of stuff done around the house. In order to motivate me, I am going to post my progress here throughout the afternoon:
3 loads of laundry washed
Dishes - DONE
Started balancing checkbook
Entered bills in Quicken
Today, despite the fact that I am not wearing my famed Superwoman undies, I am getting ALL kinds of stuff done around the house. In order to motivate me, I am going to post my progress here throughout the afternoon:
3 loads of laundry washed
Dishes - DONE
Started balancing checkbook
Entered bills in Quicken
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Politics Today - Moral Issues
I've been looking over the '08 Presidential Candidates websites today, seeing how they feel about today's topic:
*~*~* MORAL ISSUES *~*~*
And really? I found polar opposites. Some candidates were all about "I feel _____ is wrong, so I will work to make it illegal." Others were all about "_____ isn't wrong, and we will work to give everyone the freedom to do it."
Some say that because they believe the Bible is true, everyone should be forced to live by it's laws. (This reminds me of Sharia law in Muslim countries. Scawy.) Some say that no one has the right to say what moral decisions can and can't be made. (Anarchy! Also scawy.) Some say that people should have the freedom to make moral decisions for themselves, and that isn't the government's responsibility to interfere in that unless the moral decision hurts another person.
So my question to you today (which actually was meant to be my "Friday Politics" question, but is a little late obviously) is:
Is it even POSSIBLE to legislate moral behavior?
Look at Prohibition... how did THAT work? My grandparents made some REALLY nice moonshine recipes because of it... so good, in fact, that they kept at it after prohibition ended! lol By outlawing abortion, will there be less abortions... or will the same amount just be done in back alleys with no safety? By forbidding gay marriage, will everyone automatically turn straight? (I'm giggling at this one.)
Obviously you can see my opinion.... so now, I want to know YOURS! :o)
*~*~* MORAL ISSUES *~*~*
And really? I found polar opposites. Some candidates were all about "I feel _____ is wrong, so I will work to make it illegal." Others were all about "_____ isn't wrong, and we will work to give everyone the freedom to do it."
Some say that because they believe the Bible is true, everyone should be forced to live by it's laws. (This reminds me of Sharia law in Muslim countries. Scawy.) Some say that no one has the right to say what moral decisions can and can't be made. (Anarchy! Also scawy.) Some say that people should have the freedom to make moral decisions for themselves, and that isn't the government's responsibility to interfere in that unless the moral decision hurts another person.
So my question to you today (which actually was meant to be my "Friday Politics" question, but is a little late obviously) is:
Is it even POSSIBLE to legislate moral behavior?
Look at Prohibition... how did THAT work? My grandparents made some REALLY nice moonshine recipes because of it... so good, in fact, that they kept at it after prohibition ended! lol By outlawing abortion, will there be less abortions... or will the same amount just be done in back alleys with no safety? By forbidding gay marriage, will everyone automatically turn straight? (I'm giggling at this one.)
Obviously you can see my opinion.... so now, I want to know YOURS! :o)
Thursday, January 24, 2008
A Post in Pictures
So what have i been doing in the recent past that has kept me so quiet??? Well, first of all, it's been SO STINKIN' COLD IN THIS HOUSE!!!!!!!
What is my secret to enduring the cold??
My beloved POOH SLIPPERS!
I also knitted my second dishcloth! It is number 2 out of 12 that I set as goals for myself this year.
And last but not least, a list I'm on has declared January to be the month of creating baby things! So, here are the baby booties I have knitted/crocheted so far! (As you can see, three of the pair are massively oversized, but oh well. Someone will still need them I'm sure.)
What is my secret to enduring the cold??
My beloved POOH SLIPPERS!
I also knitted my second dishcloth! It is number 2 out of 12 that I set as goals for myself this year.
And last but not least, a list I'm on has declared January to be the month of creating baby things! So, here are the baby booties I have knitted/crocheted so far! (As you can see, three of the pair are massively oversized, but oh well. Someone will still need them I'm sure.)
I was also going to send a pic in of my FIRST HICKEY EVER!!!! I'm so proud of it. Unfortunately, it didn't photograph well, and it's cold in this room, so I'm giving up and going to go watch TV and finish reading my book in the NICE WARM BEDROOM!
Adios for now!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Faith and Politics
I have developed a very nice interest in politics, since the campaigning for the upcoming presidential primaries has gotten into full swing.
I'm planning to start putting some of this political stuff on my blog, and wondered if any of you had put political things on your blog, and what advice you might have about keeping peace on your posts?
So, stay tuned on my blog to hear deep thoughts like:
Is it sacrilege to be a Christian Democrat?
Why did my friend say Obama is the AntiChrist?
Why can African-American Christians be Democrats, and it's acceptable, but I can't?
Why I *heart* Obama.
Which would be better: Making all abortions illegal, or educating young women and giving them better access to contraceptives?
And much, much, more!!!!! :)
In the meantime... a quiz!
I'm planning to start putting some of this political stuff on my blog, and wondered if any of you had put political things on your blog, and what advice you might have about keeping peace on your posts?
So, stay tuned on my blog to hear deep thoughts like:
Is it sacrilege to be a Christian Democrat?
Why did my friend say Obama is the AntiChrist?
Why can African-American Christians be Democrats, and it's acceptable, but I can't?
Why I *heart* Obama.
Which would be better: Making all abortions illegal, or educating young women and giving them better access to contraceptives?
And much, much, more!!!!! :)
In the meantime... a quiz!
| Who You Should Vote For |
 Barack Obama: 56% Dennis Kucinich: 56% John Edwards: 50% Mike Gravel: 50% Hillary Clinton: 38% Mike Huckabee: 31% Ron Paul: 31% Mitt Romney: 25% Rudy Giuliani: 25% John McCain: 19% Who you agree with on the war in Iraq: Rudy Giuliani, Mike Huckabee, John McCain and Mitt Romney Who you agree with on the economy: John Edwards and Barack Obama Who you agree with on health care: Barack Obama Who you agree with on taxes: Dennis Kucinich Who you agree with on abortion: Ron Paul Who you agree with on gay rights: Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, Rudy Giuliani, Mike Gravel, Dennis Kucinich, and Barack Obama |
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
I Miss You Dad.
You've been gone 11 months now
Almost a year.
The cold weather,
The white snow,
Rremind me of you...
The cold was bitter
Snow and ice covered the parking lot
A nurse helped me carry your things
and my things
Out to the car.
I pulled out of the lot,
Exhausted
Drained
Unable to grasp the reality
You were gone.
Almost a year.
The cold weather,
The white snow,
Rremind me of you...
The cold was bitter
Snow and ice covered the parking lot
A nurse helped me carry your things
and my things
Out to the car.
I pulled out of the lot,
Exhausted
Drained
Unable to grasp the reality
You were gone.
Awwwwwwwwww..
When I came home, my hubby met me...
and offered me a nice, HOT shower.
HE GOT THE PIPES THAWED OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and offered me a nice, HOT shower.
HE GOT THE PIPES THAWED OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, January 21, 2008
In My News....
I have the hiccups.
We're having a major cold spell here in Indiana... not only have there been record low temps OUTSIDE... but there have been record lows INSIDE our house too. Our new record? 52 degrees. All of our pipes have frozen... even pipes that have never frozen before!!!!! The only water we still have is cold water to the bathroom sink and toilet. The advantage of this? The bedroom is the only warm room in the house, so we are forced to spend all of our time in there. :)
We bought and watched the Family Guy: Blue Harvest. It was okay, but not NEARLY as good as I expected. Especially Stewie... I expected so much better of him!
We watched Rambo 1, and it was surprisingly good! Who knew???
I cooked several times this week... the results?
Bachelor's delight chicken - sucked
Unstuffed cabbage - EDIBLE!!!! *shout of victory*
(I made something else, but don't remember what. I think it sucked too though.)
I'm over half-way through knitting my second dishcloth for the year! (#2 of 12! Go me!)
I'm loving married life. It rocks!!!!!!!!!
We're having a major cold spell here in Indiana... not only have there been record low temps OUTSIDE... but there have been record lows INSIDE our house too. Our new record? 52 degrees. All of our pipes have frozen... even pipes that have never frozen before!!!!! The only water we still have is cold water to the bathroom sink and toilet. The advantage of this? The bedroom is the only warm room in the house, so we are forced to spend all of our time in there. :)
We bought and watched the Family Guy: Blue Harvest. It was okay, but not NEARLY as good as I expected. Especially Stewie... I expected so much better of him!
We watched Rambo 1, and it was surprisingly good! Who knew???
I cooked several times this week... the results?
Bachelor's delight chicken - sucked
Unstuffed cabbage - EDIBLE!!!! *shout of victory*
(I made something else, but don't remember what. I think it sucked too though.)
I'm over half-way through knitting my second dishcloth for the year! (#2 of 12! Go me!)
I'm loving married life. It rocks!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Swaping Loveliness
I joined a swap over at the JustBeConnected site, and this week I got my box in the mail! It was a Random Re-gift Swap, which means we went through our art supplies and other fun things, and passed things along to the other person! Soooooooo... I opened the box, and look what i found:
A little box with a handle!
Inside of him, I found WORD TILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Have I mentioned how much I LOVE words?????? How I love including words in anything artistic I make??!!!!) And Bride & Groom scrapbooking stickers, which I'll use when I finish my wedding scrapbook started by my Aunt Martha!!!!!!
And stamps! Also to be used in the scrapbook!!!!! Aren't they awesome?! And a scrub, to keep my stamps clean after use!!
And YARN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I absolutely adore the fuzzy yarn... I cuddled it for a very long while. So pretty... I think I will make him into some baby booties?
And she gave me a BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A book for KNITTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *excited*
A little box with a handle!
Inside of him, I found WORD TILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Have I mentioned how much I LOVE words?????? How I love including words in anything artistic I make??!!!!) And Bride & Groom scrapbooking stickers, which I'll use when I finish my wedding scrapbook started by my Aunt Martha!!!!!!
And stamps! Also to be used in the scrapbook!!!!! Aren't they awesome?! And a scrub, to keep my stamps clean after use!!
And YARN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I absolutely adore the fuzzy yarn... I cuddled it for a very long while. So pretty... I think I will make him into some baby booties?
And she gave me a BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A book for KNITTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *excited*
And last, but definately not least.... she got me a COOKBOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A VEGETARIAN cookbook!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *mouth watering*
Thanks SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much Robin, for all the presents!!! I feel like I was sent a box by my best friend, because everything in it I LOVED!!!!!! Thanks for taking the time to get to know me, and sending such awesomely lovely stuff!!!!!! *hugs*
Friday, January 18, 2008
The Endo Journey
Well, I have a million happy things to write about on here, but the pictures that go with these things are all on my computer at home. And I am still at work. Soooo... expect a funner post later tonight! :)
For now, I'm gonna blog on here a sec about endometriosis.
MedlinePlus says:
Endometriosis is a problem affecting a woman's uterus - the place where a baby grows when she's pregnant. Endometriosis is when the kind of tissue that normally lines the uterus grows somewhere else. It can grow on the ovaries, behind the uterus or on the bowels or bladder. Rarely, it grows in other parts of the body. This "misplaced" tissue can cause pain, infertility and very heavy periods. The pain is usually in the abdomen, lower back or pelvic areas.
For me:
Young teen - I had crazy-heavy periods, with a ton of pain. As I got older the bleeding wasn't as heavy, and I learned that taking Aleve at certain times helped with the pain.
Age 17 - I went to the doctor with severe pain. The doctor said I had IBS, told me to take a warm bath, and sent me home.
Age 18 - Symtoms were still there at random intervals... one day, when they were especially bad, I went to the ER. The pap smear hurt so bad that the nurse cried WITH me. The doctor? He just said I might have a cervical infection that just wasn't showing up on their tests. He told me to make an appointment with my family doctor.
Age 18 - Sent to first GYN. His verdict? Nothing was wrong. (Loser piece of crap doctor!)
Age 20 - Went to ER in Chicago. sent to GYN #2
Age 20 - Went to GYN in Chicago. Said it was "all in my head."
I gave up... maybe it was just all in my head. Maybe I was just dysfunctional, and there really wasn't anything wrong with my body. I gave up on finding out on what was wrong, or getting a cure... and just learned to live with the pain. Maybe it was just IBS...
And then, I had sex. And it HURT LIKE HADES!!! Not like the first-time-with-a-man pain... Like "OMG you just rubbed salt in my wound repeatedly" level of pain. And I have a high pain tolerance!
So here I am today... newly married, and unable to enjoy sex with my husband. The new doctor diagnosed me with endometriosis, and put me on birth control pills....
Since starting the birth control pills, I have noticed that I have pretty much every possible side effect listed on the box. Nausea, mood swings, tiredness, as well as tenderness in... well... every part of my body that gives even remotely pleasureable sensations. And the doctor says there is no other birth control that will work better, except Depo... and it's effects last for THREE MONTHS!!!
I have two books about Endo out from the library... I'm reading up on all the ways to treat Endo through nutrition, medication, holistic stuff... even how to deal with the sex issue. (Which, BTW, has me feeling like absolute crap. What kind of wife am I? Every time my hubby touches me, I wince. Since I got on the pill, EVERYTHING hurts! THIS IS NOT WHAT MARRIED LIFE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!!!!!)
I'm fighting depression, from the hormones, the adjustment to marriage, and life in general... and today, life is just hard. But I have books to help me... I'm sure there are others out there blogging who have Endo too... they have support groups... I just need to reach out, and see what I find.
There's no where else to go from here, but UP!!!! :)
For now, I'm gonna blog on here a sec about endometriosis.
MedlinePlus says:
Endometriosis is a problem affecting a woman's uterus - the place where a baby grows when she's pregnant. Endometriosis is when the kind of tissue that normally lines the uterus grows somewhere else. It can grow on the ovaries, behind the uterus or on the bowels or bladder. Rarely, it grows in other parts of the body. This "misplaced" tissue can cause pain, infertility and very heavy periods. The pain is usually in the abdomen, lower back or pelvic areas.
For me:
Young teen - I had crazy-heavy periods, with a ton of pain. As I got older the bleeding wasn't as heavy, and I learned that taking Aleve at certain times helped with the pain.
Age 17 - I went to the doctor with severe pain. The doctor said I had IBS, told me to take a warm bath, and sent me home.
Age 18 - Symtoms were still there at random intervals... one day, when they were especially bad, I went to the ER. The pap smear hurt so bad that the nurse cried WITH me. The doctor? He just said I might have a cervical infection that just wasn't showing up on their tests. He told me to make an appointment with my family doctor.
Age 18 - Sent to first GYN. His verdict? Nothing was wrong. (Loser piece of crap doctor!)
Age 20 - Went to ER in Chicago. sent to GYN #2
Age 20 - Went to GYN in Chicago. Said it was "all in my head."
I gave up... maybe it was just all in my head. Maybe I was just dysfunctional, and there really wasn't anything wrong with my body. I gave up on finding out on what was wrong, or getting a cure... and just learned to live with the pain. Maybe it was just IBS...
And then, I had sex. And it HURT LIKE HADES!!! Not like the first-time-with-a-man pain... Like "OMG you just rubbed salt in my wound repeatedly" level of pain. And I have a high pain tolerance!
So here I am today... newly married, and unable to enjoy sex with my husband. The new doctor diagnosed me with endometriosis, and put me on birth control pills....
Since starting the birth control pills, I have noticed that I have pretty much every possible side effect listed on the box. Nausea, mood swings, tiredness, as well as tenderness in... well... every part of my body that gives even remotely pleasureable sensations. And the doctor says there is no other birth control that will work better, except Depo... and it's effects last for THREE MONTHS!!!
I have two books about Endo out from the library... I'm reading up on all the ways to treat Endo through nutrition, medication, holistic stuff... even how to deal with the sex issue. (Which, BTW, has me feeling like absolute crap. What kind of wife am I? Every time my hubby touches me, I wince. Since I got on the pill, EVERYTHING hurts! THIS IS NOT WHAT MARRIED LIFE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!!!!!)
I'm fighting depression, from the hormones, the adjustment to marriage, and life in general... and today, life is just hard. But I have books to help me... I'm sure there are others out there blogging who have Endo too... they have support groups... I just need to reach out, and see what I find.
There's no where else to go from here, but UP!!!! :)
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Mondo Beyondo
While surfing on Daisies blog, I stumbled onto a project called Mondo Beyondo. I decided to join... so to close out 2007 officially, I'm going to post some questions she asked and my answers:
1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007?
In 2007, I faced the death of my Father, and survived and even grew from the experience. I learned a ton about myself in 2007... Hmm... i think I'll read my blog and put some updates on here:
In January:
Took my first painting class.
Envisioned my future, and began working to make it a reality.
Began to deal with the abuse of my father, and the fear it left behind.
In Febuary:
My dad fell out of his wheelchair, and was hospitalized.
I did a deep analysis of my emotions and their "on/off switch"
I got the call that eventually changed my life.
I made the decision to turn off my father's life support.
In March:
I coped with the wierd timing of grief.
Won my first battle with the ivy in my back yard
Found my lost hope!
Battled the evil Demons-of-Loan-getting
In April:
I committed to being open with my grief, and asked for support.
I noticed a connection between housecleaning and shame.
In May:
I redefined what "family" is to me.
Became the OFFICIAL owner of my home!
Cut my leg on dirt.
Bonded with my cousin Jane.
In June:
I had a chance encounter that filled me with my father's love.
Realized my detachment was a serious problem.
Bought an amazing new digital camera.
I became ENGAGED!
In July:
I closed one chapter in my life, and started another.
Bonded with my Mommy.
Examined my abuse-related anger.
In August:
I learned the healing power of shared grief.
I fought, and lost, the second battle with poison ivy.
I taught Jakey cool expressions to say.
In September:
My Ohana (family) grew!
My local Ohana did nice things for me!
In October:
I had counseling, and made progress!
I went to the Creative Bazaar!
I found out the bank had completely screwed me over.
I became a dark elf.
In November:
I collaged an ornament!
My local Ohana cracked... split... and in December, eventually they all drifted when I needed them most.
Emotionally bottomed out.
2. What is there to grieve about 2007?
I lost my Father in 2007... and when he was sick, I talked to my dad's girlfriend, and she mentioned the things he had done to her... how he'd treated her... negative things for sure. I joined the conversation... and I fear that he heard it and that is why he died. I fear that is why I never "hear" from him like other people do from their loved ones. But really... after that, I told him how much I DID love him... how I wanted him to hold on, how I needed him.... and tears rolled down his cheeks. I know he heard that, too. I know he felt me by his side every time visiting hours were opened... heard me singing to him, reading to him, and just being there... So today I am forgiving myself.
I am still grieving the loss of my Ohana... still fighting the fear that it crumbled because I was not enough to keep everyone together... that if I had prayed more, been there more, not going to Massachusetts,... we would still be an Ohana. I'm grieving the loss of their help in making wedding preparations, and all of the fun that could have been. But it's over... and I have DEFINATELY learned some lessons from this.
3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete? I need... to thank God for a very interesting 2007... and especially say "THANK GOD IT'S OVER!!!!!!!" lol
I declare 2007 complete!!!!!!!!!!
(Tears are honestly rolling down my face as I say that.... it's so powerful to close that painful chapter of my past, know that it's my past... and that the future is wide open to new dreams!!!)
Thanks so much Andrea, for thinking this up!
Mondo Beyondo 2008 Part One: Completing
1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007?
In 2007, I faced the death of my Father, and survived and even grew from the experience. I learned a ton about myself in 2007... Hmm... i think I'll read my blog and put some updates on here:
In January:
Took my first painting class.
Envisioned my future, and began working to make it a reality.
Began to deal with the abuse of my father, and the fear it left behind.
In Febuary:
My dad fell out of his wheelchair, and was hospitalized.
I did a deep analysis of my emotions and their "on/off switch"
I got the call that eventually changed my life.
I made the decision to turn off my father's life support.
In March:
I coped with the wierd timing of grief.
Won my first battle with the ivy in my back yard
Found my lost hope!
Battled the evil Demons-of-Loan-getting
In April:
I committed to being open with my grief, and asked for support.
I noticed a connection between housecleaning and shame.
In May:
I redefined what "family" is to me.
Became the OFFICIAL owner of my home!
Cut my leg on dirt.
Bonded with my cousin Jane.
In June:
I had a chance encounter that filled me with my father's love.
Realized my detachment was a serious problem.
Bought an amazing new digital camera.
I became ENGAGED!
In July:
I closed one chapter in my life, and started another.
Bonded with my Mommy.
Examined my abuse-related anger.
In August:
I learned the healing power of shared grief.
I fought, and lost, the second battle with poison ivy.
I taught Jakey cool expressions to say.
In September:
My Ohana (family) grew!
My local Ohana did nice things for me!
In October:
I had counseling, and made progress!
I went to the Creative Bazaar!
I found out the bank had completely screwed me over.
I became a dark elf.
In November:
I collaged an ornament!
My local Ohana cracked... split... and in December, eventually they all drifted when I needed them most.
Emotionally bottomed out.
In December:
I had an ephiphany!
I hosted the Week of Remembrance.
Had nightmares about my wedding.
So, my year in review.... I learned A TON of artistic skills, stepped out of my comfort zone, and found ways to put my HEART into my ART. I faced the death of my father and the death of my Ohana... and emerged having learned amazing things about myself and those around me. One of the hardest, most life-changing, and DEFINATELY most rewarding years of my life!
2. What is there to grieve about 2007?
I lost my Father in 2007... and when he was sick, I talked to my dad's girlfriend, and she mentioned the things he had done to her... how he'd treated her... negative things for sure. I joined the conversation... and I fear that he heard it and that is why he died. I fear that is why I never "hear" from him like other people do from their loved ones. But really... after that, I told him how much I DID love him... how I wanted him to hold on, how I needed him.... and tears rolled down his cheeks. I know he heard that, too. I know he felt me by his side every time visiting hours were opened... heard me singing to him, reading to him, and just being there... So today I am forgiving myself.
I am still grieving the loss of my Ohana... still fighting the fear that it crumbled because I was not enough to keep everyone together... that if I had prayed more, been there more, not going to Massachusetts,... we would still be an Ohana. I'm grieving the loss of their help in making wedding preparations, and all of the fun that could have been. But it's over... and I have DEFINATELY learned some lessons from this.
3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete? I need... to thank God for a very interesting 2007... and especially say "THANK GOD IT'S OVER!!!!!!!" lol
I declare 2007 complete!!!!!!!!!!
(Tears are honestly rolling down my face as I say that.... it's so powerful to close that painful chapter of my past, know that it's my past... and that the future is wide open to new dreams!!!)
Thanks so much Andrea, for thinking this up!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Mmmmm.... Tasty!
You all will not believe what I found on my porch earlier this week!!!!!!
A cookbook!!!! From Mimmsical Tammy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Thank you SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!!!! *very big hug to Mimmsical Tammy*)
It's called Healthy Cooking for Two, and it is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I must warn you that some scary things have started happening to me since I opened that book and began reading.
First of all.... I started to read a list of "should have" spices & ingredients... and since I couldn't find mine to tell if I had them or not... i began organizing a cabinet!
Including the spices! I organized them in alphabettical order on the bottom, and wierd spice mixes (cajun spice, italian seasoning, etc) on the top shelf...
And then, while I was at it, I cleaned and organized my refrigerator!!!!
Then I started reading a little more, and remembered that I had just bought some chicken breasts... and look! Here was a recipe for chicken stock! I could make that! So I did....
And while I was at it, I made a cream of cauliflaur/brocoli/mushroom soup! Quite tasty... (after i thickened it) I'm eating that now!
Then, since I was already slicing and dicing veggies, I decided to get us some salad ingredients prepped and in little baggies for us to take to work!
For James, he choose a bag of Classic Romaine lettuce, and then I bagged up some cherry tomatos, sliced radishes, chopped celery, and mushroom slices.
And for myself, I choose Field Greens, my absolute FAVORITE salad mix!
I sliced some carrots, radishes, & mushrooms, and chopped some celery for me... all ready for us to take to work this week! YUM!
Then, since I had one chicken breast leftover, I marinaded it in some Romano Basil Vinagrette while I diced some potatoes.... and then threw them all in a baking pan together, and baked them for an hour... very yummy after I added salt and pepper!
A cookbook!!!! From Mimmsical Tammy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Thank you SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!!!! *very big hug to Mimmsical Tammy*)
It's called Healthy Cooking for Two, and it is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I must warn you that some scary things have started happening to me since I opened that book and began reading.
First of all.... I started to read a list of "should have" spices & ingredients... and since I couldn't find mine to tell if I had them or not... i began organizing a cabinet!
Including the spices! I organized them in alphabettical order on the bottom, and wierd spice mixes (cajun spice, italian seasoning, etc) on the top shelf...
And then, while I was at it, I cleaned and organized my refrigerator!!!!Then I started reading a little more, and remembered that I had just bought some chicken breasts... and look! Here was a recipe for chicken stock! I could make that! So I did....
And while I was at it, I made a cream of cauliflaur/brocoli/mushroom soup! Quite tasty... (after i thickened it) I'm eating that now!
Then, since I was already slicing and dicing veggies, I decided to get us some salad ingredients prepped and in little baggies for us to take to work!
For James, he choose a bag of Classic Romaine lettuce, and then I bagged up some cherry tomatos, sliced radishes, chopped celery, and mushroom slices.
And for myself, I choose Field Greens, my absolute FAVORITE salad mix!I sliced some carrots, radishes, & mushrooms, and chopped some celery for me... all ready for us to take to work this week! YUM!
Then, since I had one chicken breast leftover, I marinaded it in some Romano Basil Vinagrette while I diced some potatoes.... and then threw them all in a baking pan together, and baked them for an hour... very yummy after I added salt and pepper!
We even made a little menu plan for the week...
Monday: James - Baked Beef Steaks
Tuesday: Jana - Unstuffed Cabbage
Wednesday: Jana - Batchelor's Prize Chicken
Thursday: Jana - Carolina Casserole
Friday: James - Poor Man's Steak
Mmmm... tasty!
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Today...
We're cleaning the house!!!!!
I'm always extra motivated when I post my progress on here, so... so far I have:
Re-installed my memo board
Cleaned behind desk
Started on laundry (Load 4 is washing!)
Washed dishes
Cleaned the kitchen counters
Unpacked the wedding gifts from their boxes
Put stuff on Freecycle
Met a neighbor through Freecycle! (Lorrine, who is the wife of Stuart-who-walks-Fluffy-the-cute-doggie!!!!!)
Collapsed into bed, exhausted! lol
PS, since this isn't a "real" blog post, feel free to browse my cousin Jo's new Ebay sales! Once she gets that going, I will probably take a couple home and then put them on my Etsy site. Aren't they cute?????
I'm always extra motivated when I post my progress on here, so... so far I have:
Re-installed my memo board
Cleaned behind desk
Started on laundry (Load 4 is washing!)
Washed dishes
Cleaned the kitchen counters
Unpacked the wedding gifts from their boxes
Put stuff on Freecycle
Met a neighbor through Freecycle! (Lorrine, who is the wife of Stuart-who-walks-Fluffy-the-cute-doggie!!!!!)
Collapsed into bed, exhausted! lol
PS, since this isn't a "real" blog post, feel free to browse my cousin Jo's new Ebay sales! Once she gets that going, I will probably take a couple home and then put them on my Etsy site. Aren't they cute?????
Friday, January 11, 2008
Rebuilding
Thanks for all of the hugs everyone.
I'm feeling much better. A lot of drama happened behind the scenes of the wedding, and a lot of feelings were hurt. My friends/bridesmaids hurt me and each other. My family hurt the bridal party & friends., (Especially one of them...), and possibly each other. I think I hurt my family. (I didn't mean for everything to be so chaotic!!! I meant for it to be fun & bonding & ORGANIZED! I don't even know how things got so out-of-control & complicated!) My family hurt James's family. James's family hurt me. I probably hurt some people, without even realizing it. I know I yelled several times. (And no, I'm not sorry for it either lol It takes a LOT to make me yell.)
So, now we are beginning to rebuild peace in our lives... One friendship has been rebuilt so far. We still have several relationships to fix, one shattered self-esteem to repair, lots of people to thank for wonderful things they did to help us, and lots of bridges to build or repair between us and those we love. Oh, and two people are candidates for the "person who needs yelled at loudly" award. More investigation is needed to find out which one should win.
Also, my wonderful cousins (like Cousin Amy) deserve hugs and public kudos, for giving me the MOST BEAUTIFUL RECEPTION EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!! You all SO outdid yourselves! Thanks SOOOO much!
I'm feeling much better. A lot of drama happened behind the scenes of the wedding, and a lot of feelings were hurt. My friends/bridesmaids hurt me and each other. My family hurt the bridal party & friends., (Especially one of them...), and possibly each other. I think I hurt my family. (I didn't mean for everything to be so chaotic!!! I meant for it to be fun & bonding & ORGANIZED! I don't even know how things got so out-of-control & complicated!) My family hurt James's family. James's family hurt me. I probably hurt some people, without even realizing it. I know I yelled several times. (And no, I'm not sorry for it either lol It takes a LOT to make me yell.)
So, now we are beginning to rebuild peace in our lives... One friendship has been rebuilt so far. We still have several relationships to fix, one shattered self-esteem to repair, lots of people to thank for wonderful things they did to help us, and lots of bridges to build or repair between us and those we love. Oh, and two people are candidates for the "person who needs yelled at loudly" award. More investigation is needed to find out which one should win.
Also, my wonderful cousins (like Cousin Amy) deserve hugs and public kudos, for giving me the MOST BEAUTIFUL RECEPTION EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!! You all SO outdid yourselves! Thanks SOOOO much!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
So Proud of.... ME!
Remember forever ago when I ranted about my absolute terror of female exams?
Today was my appointment!! And in spite of the pain, I did NOT cry. I relaxed, obeyed the doctor's orders, and SURVIVED!!!!
The doctor thinks I probably have endometriosis, which could explain the extreme pain during the exam... she's putting me on birth control pills to help, and gave me a numbing cream to use when I need it.
So, to all of you out there who have had sucky GYNs.... THERE IS HOPE! Keep looking! There ARE doctors out there who will listen to your concerns, and actually FIND what's wrong!!! Who knew?!
Today was my appointment!! And in spite of the pain, I did NOT cry. I relaxed, obeyed the doctor's orders, and SURVIVED!!!!
The doctor thinks I probably have endometriosis, which could explain the extreme pain during the exam... she's putting me on birth control pills to help, and gave me a numbing cream to use when I need it.
So, to all of you out there who have had sucky GYNs.... THERE IS HOPE! Keep looking! There ARE doctors out there who will listen to your concerns, and actually FIND what's wrong!!! Who knew?!
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
2008 Goals, Part 2
Wow! It's officially the beginning of my life as a married woman! HOLY CRAP! That's scary.
I'm excited at all the year has to offer... Aunt Martha has offered to help me make a wedding scrapbook! Aunt Clara is going to invite us over for cavatini! Cousins Jo & Brent have Heroes Season 1 on DVD, and said we could borrow it! (I told them we'd just come visit them, and all watch it together!)
I've set my first official goals for 2008... one shouldn't be too awefully hard. I'm on a Monthly Dishcloth Knit-A-Long e-mail list, and I've committed to making all 24 dishclothes (2 per month) with them.
My second goal? I want to learn to cook awesomely cool veggies. Which means, I could really use YOUR help! Anyone have yummy veggie recipes? I want us to change how we eat... to make veggies the star of our meals and meat/potatoes just side dishes. So any veggie/mostly veggie recipes that you have & could share would be AWESOMELY appreciated.
I'm excited at all the year has to offer... Aunt Martha has offered to help me make a wedding scrapbook! Aunt Clara is going to invite us over for cavatini! Cousins Jo & Brent have Heroes Season 1 on DVD, and said we could borrow it! (I told them we'd just come visit them, and all watch it together!)
I've set my first official goals for 2008... one shouldn't be too awefully hard. I'm on a Monthly Dishcloth Knit-A-Long e-mail list, and I've committed to making all 24 dishclothes (2 per month) with them.
My second goal? I want to learn to cook awesomely cool veggies. Which means, I could really use YOUR help! Anyone have yummy veggie recipes? I want us to change how we eat... to make veggies the star of our meals and meat/potatoes just side dishes. So any veggie/mostly veggie recipes that you have & could share would be AWESOMELY appreciated.
Wedding Pics - Part 1
The pastor asked us to hold hands.
Then he said we could kiss!!!! Check out my ring-bearer's expression: "OMG they're KISSING!"
That is me, in my wedding dress!
James and I together!
Me, my flower girl, and my ring-bearer. I will have a shot of them from the front when I get my photos from my awesomely-lovely cousin Debby.
Me tossing the bouquet!
Jess caught it! She was so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We hugged in joy.
And just for fun, Jess and I had to take a fun picture of our famed ghetto booties. Cheyenne took the opportunity to spank Jess with a bouquet! LOL
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Today....
I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Excuse me, I need to do a happy dance.
*dancing away*
Excuse me, I need to do a happy dance.
*dancing away*
Thursday, January 03, 2008
2008 Randomness
Today, as I sit here at work, I'm tossing around some thoughts about this new year. What do I want out of this year? What goals should I set? When Jan 2009 comes around, what do I want to look back and say about this year?
I really don't know at this point, which is okay... I'm not "officially" starting my new year until January 8... the day I get back to work after my honeymoon.
I really don't know at this point, which is okay... I'm not "officially" starting my new year until January 8... the day I get back to work after my honeymoon.
So far, the things that I'm considering would be:
- Set boundaries for my friends - This year, I won't be able to "parent" my friends like before. I'm considering the idea of letting each of them pick one thing for me to help them with, for each 2 month period. One skill I can teach them, that is. I won't be doing things for them anymore... I'll teach them how to do things for themselves.
- Help myself - Since I don't have a lot of people who I can trust to ask to teach me... I need to commit to learning, and teaching myself. I can't teach others, if I never let myself learn. I would like to commit to spending 15 minutes per day learning about things I know I need... books on cooking veggies, blogs challenging people to better themselves, a meal with a mentor,...
- God - I've ignored all things spiritual for quite a while. I really hate living that way. Must find a way to change that.
- Focusing on my marriage - I want my marriage to grow this year... to get to know my husband more deeply, and enjoy the time with just the two of us, before we consider having any kids.
- Art business - I'm not really sure where to go with this at the moment... but I DO want to work toward making money doing creative things, and toward improving my skills. I would like to stay caught up on reading Just Be Connected and Just Be Brave. I would like to maybe try and join one art challenge each month...Handmade Monday, Sunday Scribblings, Inspire Me Thursday, Dishcloth KAL, or who knows what other challenges will arise?!
What about you all? Are you making any resolutions or goals for 2008? Have any of you heard of any goal-making groups other than Creative Every Day? (Which I do plan to join!.)
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Wedding Wonderings
Today, I miss my dad. Today it hurts... to know I'm really getting married without him to walk me down the isle... to make jokes to keep me from being nervous, to tell me he's proud of how I turned out... to tell crazy stories repeatedly of my childhood humiliations...
I sat New Years Eve, listening to others talk about how their loved ones speak to them from the grave... and quietly retreated to a bathroom to cry. Even from the grave, I feel abandoned by my father. Even in death, his absense is a knife in my heart.
I know things will be okay... I know you all will say he's there with me... and maybe he is. Maybe I don't hear him because I don't look... Because the pain is too fresh, or too overwhelming. I know that when Saturday comes, I'll walk down the isle with James's uncle... I may cry because my dad isn't the one walking me down, or just snicker at the sight of Uncle Norman in a suit. I know that Saturday will be a day of new beginnings for us, a day of hope, a day for seeing dreams begin for us.
But tonight, I just need to cry a little.
I sat New Years Eve, listening to others talk about how their loved ones speak to them from the grave... and quietly retreated to a bathroom to cry. Even from the grave, I feel abandoned by my father. Even in death, his absense is a knife in my heart.
I know things will be okay... I know you all will say he's there with me... and maybe he is. Maybe I don't hear him because I don't look... Because the pain is too fresh, or too overwhelming. I know that when Saturday comes, I'll walk down the isle with James's uncle... I may cry because my dad isn't the one walking me down, or just snicker at the sight of Uncle Norman in a suit. I know that Saturday will be a day of new beginnings for us, a day of hope, a day for seeing dreams begin for us.
But tonight, I just need to cry a little.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Just in Time...
Help arrived today, in the form of my Mommy and Aunt Clara, here to rescue me from sewing insanity and chaotic house-cleaning. The guest bedroom (aka Crap Central) is now almost entirely clean. All the laundry is done. The dishes are done. I've given away almost everything I own on Freecycle (okay, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration... lol but I did give a lot away). The dress is closer to finished (gotta find the stupid instructions now, to do the next part. I think they're in my car, but since it's dark, I can't search. I'll look tomorrow and get it finished.) Gracie came over to be fitted for her dress, and that is all cut out and ready to sew as soon as I find a bobbin to use for it. (It takes a different color thread.) She also played with the new doctor kit I bought for the kids to play with here, ate some pizza, gave me hugs, colored with glitter crayons, made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, and was just her cute wittle self.
Now I'm exhausted, and going to bed. Nite my wonderful blogging budds, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
Now I'm exhausted, and going to bed. Nite my wonderful blogging budds, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
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