I haven't been as open as usual on here about what's going on inside me. I think the main reason for that is... that i haven't really be being honest with myself about what's going on inside me.
Sometimes it takes a while to figure out what's going on inside of me. I'll know that I feel anxious, but not be sure why. I still can't tell you exactly WHY I've been feeling anxious this week... but I can tell you some things I've realized about myself as I took an honest look in the mirror.
I've grown up! The person who was in the mirror 2 years ago wouldn't even be able to recognize the person I am today. My sense of fashion has changed, (I actually care about how I look now... not to please OTHERS, but so that I'll be happy with MYSELF), my spiritual life has changed (WAY less people-pleasing, way less spiritual "busyness", much more honesty with God.) , I've started taking better care of my body, my housecleaning abilities... well... they've improved. We still have some work to do in that area. I think that'll be like fashion... eventualy I'll have to decide I need to get the cleaning done for ME... for my own sanity. Two years ago I never dreamed I'd be doing any type of art... now I'm writing poetry, painting, crocheting, knitting, collaging... and I feel unfulfilled when I'm not putting my feelings into some type of art.
I'm still dealing with the after-effects of 12 years of abuse. The effects pop up in the strangest of places, and the most unexpected times. Right now I'm noticing how my dad's Jeckyl/Hyde random mood swings have given me a fear of any type of authority. I feel like I'm always on edge... wondering what I've done wrong without even noticing... always seeking approval and dreading anger. I REALLY need to work on this. I'm writing a poem.
In other (less intense) news... a business two doors down from mine was shot at with a BB gun! The glass in the door was totally broken out, and the glass in two of the glass windows is so cracked it's unbelievable! Even more worrysome? We didn't see the damage when we came in... I was probably HERE when it happened!!!! Wierd but true.
5 comments:
I can relate to the Jeckyl/Hyde thing with my dad too. I often feel the way you speak of when I am in a situation when someone has authority over me, even though I know the person well. It's just that sense of any moment this person is going to turn on me and I'll end up hurt. It took me many years and much counselling/praying to work through it, but I'm getting there. Keep working on it. I hope you'll post your poem. ***hugs***
The journey you describe is not an easy one. Be gentle with yourself, and celebrate (as you've done here) those changes that feel like milestones. I hope the blogosphere is a kind and supportive net for you, as it's been for me and so many others. Isn't it truly remarkable that we often feel comfortable sharing HERE what we wouldn't think to share with some of the people in our 'real' lives? Big hugs.
i can relate to the jeckyl/hyde thing too. and the always wondering what i've done wrong and seeking approval.
a couple years ago a friend emailed me a comment that has stuck with me to this day. it REALLY helped me stop seeking approval from people...
She said...It doesn't matter what people think of you. They are JUST people. It matters only what God thinks.
jana, all i know is that your growth in all these areas has been obvious even to me, even from my teeny little internet cyber-window onto you and your life. you really do seem to be "growing up," getting more comfortable with yourself, becoming more grounded and self-determined. and this blossoming is a beautiful thing to see! i can really relate, however, to the idea that this process can bring on bouts of anxiety. it has for me, too. but we're okay, aren't we? we do our part, but God's in charge of it all. keep trusting that; maybe it will help you relax. it helps me. hugs and hugs.
Im very pleased your much more honest with God and WAY less people-pleasing. You cant please all the people all the time but God loves us unconditionally even when we screw up. Thats so awesome isnt it!!
You sound very creative and Im pleased it gives you a release.
Abuse takes years and years to get over. If ever. I still have to deal with the after effects too. Big hugs my friend
Remember you cant please all the people all the time all you can do is try your best and as long as God is pleased with you thats all that matters
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