AEDM Day 17 - Inside

I designed this picture, wanting to capture my rage... but instead I think I caught a glimpse of something deeper. Down far underneath the confidence and charisma, you find darkness. Mistakes and shame, inferiority and self-loathing. A thousand negative voices screaming all the ways I don't measure up.

Yet in the midst of that is my heart, full of love and passion, breaking for the needs of so many. It keeps me going, even when I want to give up.

AEDM Day 9 - Hope

Today I started out planning to work on how hair looks so I could attempt a collaged design of a woman with her hair... and ended up instead making an elf.  Well, sometimes life takes us in directions we don't expect, huh?!

I decided to name her hope, because after a day of my anxiety and fear warring against my faith and hope - faith and hope won out.  

AEDM Day 8 - Links

Worked some more on my scarf today, while enjoying more time in nerd-vana with friends, watching Blizz-con and then the Walking Dead, playing World of Warcraft and Hearthstone,...  My mouth is broken out from habenero hot sauce I ate yesterday, I'm so exhausted I could almost fall asleep typing this, but altogether it has been a great weekend.  Good times with good friends - and a distance between myself and the things stressing me out.  Definitely just what the doctor ordered!  (No poetry today, I need to get to sleep.)

AEDM Day 7 - Darkness and Light

AEDM Day 7 was much better than day 6, probably due to the 11 hours of sleep I got last night!  Had a draining week this week, and I feel like the contrast between the light and cheerful paper beads I made today (which I think will end up being part of a necklace...) and the black jacket they are on are rather symbolic.

The war against seasonal depression continues to rage.  I'm not sure if my life is more stressful than normal or if I am not handling it as well, but either way I'm struggling.  Pondering going to the doctor for medication but not sure it is worth the risk of side effects, Yet,

In spite of all of the darkness, there is beauty hiding in the midst. Conversations that encourage me, traditions with friends, my favorite flavor of Smirnoff Ice (grape, yummy), warm chili made hotter with habenero hot sauce, cuddles with a baby, being claimed by small children as "MINE" and don't you dare say I belong to you instead, the bond with my cat mysteriously deepening, music set just for creating...

Life is good. Genuinely, amazingly, beautifully good.  In the darkest of night, the bright lights sparkle all the brighter.

Darkness and Light

Darkness descends

I feel my way, depression a weight on my feet

I struggle, trying to peer through the darkness

My feet a vague shape in the black night

I trip, my hands dirty and cold from the mud

My clothes and skin torn by thorns I can't see

A moment of frustration,

I lift my head to curse at the heavens

And see a sky full of stars 

The beauty of the heavens, there all the time

Hiding above my glance

AEDM - Day 6 - Sleepy Scarfing

So my crafting mission for day 6 did not go as planned. I laid down, told myself I was just going to sleep for a little nap... and woke up about 5 hours later.  After midnight.  After all my goals for the day (Spanish every day at Duolingo - I was on a streak of about 48 days of faithfully learning Spanish, AEDM, writing a poem...) were all past their deadline.

I'm really serious about my goals this time, however, and chose not to let my setback take me back.  I got up this morning, went to my weekly Dungeons & Dragons game, and started working on a scarf I had started a while back.  I got a lot done, and then managed to leave my book with the pattern at home when I dropped off my D&D stuff and went to a friend's house for the rest of the weekend.  Oh well, maybe my husband will get it when he goes home to feed the cats tomorrow.

Determination

Struggling day after day

Clawing your way upward

Obstacles coming into your path

Stones falling 

Bloodied hands

Each inch gained a small miracle

AEDM Day 5 - Mirrors, Mirrors, Everywhere!

I want to hide, to sleep

Running as fast as I can

From the darkness inside me

Today I added to yesterday's attempts at a mirror, and started one in watercolor.  Tomorrow I leave for a weekend with friends, and will not be bringing any paints with me - I may attempt mirrors with colored pencils and a sketch pad and some templates for the design I want to do on the mirror, or I may not.  Who knows.

Had a pretty crappy day, so I'm not really in the mood to post anything deep. I think I'll go snuggle with the hubby and at least watch the beginning of V for Vendetta.  Remember, remember, the 5th of November!

AEDM Day 4 - Reflections Part 1

Looking inside

my soul opened up

the reflection in the mirror

taunting me with it's mistakes.

A recurring theme in my life lately has been regret and shame.  I have dealt with many things in my life by avoiding looking back at things I would regret, but time after time I find myself face to face with the person I was, and the mistakes I've made.  I'm slowly making peace with that... very slowly.  The woman in my mirror had a rough road. She's bruised and scarred, strong and powerful.  She's made mistake after mistake, fallen time after time, and gotten back up and carried on.  She's better because of the lesson's she has learned and the hurts she's felt.  Still I avoid the mirror like the plague, trying to pretend the mistakes never happened and missing the strength and power that grew from the ashes of my mistakes.

Perhaps it is time to change all that...

(I was not sure how to best express this idea, so I started by making the mirror in different mediums to see how they would work. I want to try watercolor as well. )

AEDM Day 3 - Creating SPACE

Today I didn't make any art to speak of, or did I?  I cleaned my house, did a ton of laundry, and made myself a tiny little creative area!  Out of energy, so no poetry or other art today - all I want to do is take a nap at this point!!!

Pieces - AEDM Day 2

Shattered pieces,

lives in ruin.

A few months to repair,

what took a lifetime to tear down.

Beads in My Hand - AEDM Day 1

 Beads in My Hand

Darkness

My soul slowly dying

Brown like the leaves

Cold like the the wind

Chills in my depth

Light

Bright-colored beads

A circus of colors 

Cheerful, vibrant

Warm

Alive

I have a history of seasonal depression. From being kept inside as a sickly kid in the fall and winter, to some pretty traumatic events as an adult, fall leaves and shivery temperatures bring me down,  This year I feel like I'm struggling more even than usual.  Nothing major - the health problems I've been dealing with (and still have no real diagnosis for) have gotten better since I stopped eating gluten.  I'm feeling less nausea and slowly (VERY slowly) I feel my energy raising... but I'm down. Down more than my friends or even my husband knows. (Not because I have hidden anything - maybe because I thought it would pass, or not realized how down I am.)  Down because a mistake I made this year in my family has torn it apart, and the holidays mean I can't avoid or ignore the situation.  Down because sometimes work feels freaking hopeless, dealing with situations where all the kings horses and all the kings men just can't fix the damage done to a child or put a family back together. Down because I have missed church for longer than I care to admit, and while I long to get close to God again, I have absolutely no desire to spend time with his people.  

Just... down.  So this year, more than ever, I'm really glad for AEDM.  I'm glad for a whole month of beautiful, happy, bright color in my life - for the vibrant displays of joy and pain and just LIFE that AEDM brings to us.  

(And just as a disclaimer - I'm not depressed enough to pose a danger to myself or others. If I am ever that depressed, I will tell people in my real life.  I have very little shame, it will be plastered over my Facebook wall if I get to that point.)