I was tagged by Suzie to tell 8 random things about me, so I decided to combine that with last week's Wishcasting prompt of "Which parts of your self do you wish to accept?"
1. I have always found people with disabilities to be intriguing. I'm pretty sure I inherited this from my dad, who considered it a sign of weakness and hid it deep inside himself... something to be ashamed of. I hid it too... while I watched other people embrace this in themselves. So, today, I'm announcing to all the world, that I find people with disabilities to be intriguing. I love watching how people adapt to find ways to do things that others say they can't. Glenda, for example, has figured out how to type using only her left thumb! How cool is THAT?!
2. I am a "fixer." I love to analyze people. If you spend ANY amount of time with me at all, you will find me quietly cracking open your brain, and analyzing the contents. (Like Sylar from Heroes, only not evil.) I use this information anytime when you seem to need help... I'm very empathetic, sensing your emotions pretty easily... and I use the knowledge I acquire to "fix" your problems. I am NOT the friend to have around if you want to wallow in your crap, as I will quickly kick you in the butt. I consider not being able to fix your problems to be a personal failure on my part. Which is probably one reason that...
3. I take happy pills. I will probably always take happy pills. Every once in a while, I get this idea that if I just do _________, maybe I could stop taking them. If I get the house clean, or stop doing so many things, or get my finances caught up, or avoid stressful people... I will earn not having to have happy pills. Really though... I just need to take them. Right now, my body chemicals are not balanced without medication... and it's not fair to myself to not take the medication. I need to accept that.
4. I love to crochet, but sometimes I wonder if I avoid "riskier" art projects, simply because crochet is "safe". I can always finish what I start, and any mistakes I make are easily undone and redone. It is very very hard to destroy yarn in the process. Nothing I do is permanent.
Other art requires a risk... if I collage an ornament, the glue, pages, and collaged surface will never be the same. The glue and paper will never be usable again. I have a major fear of "ruining" stuff, and no idea how to conquer that fear.
5. Inside of me reside a susie-homemaker and an angry feminist. I like both of them... the susie-homemaker helps me to make others feel comfortable in my home, make craft items to help my home reflect my personality, and makes some seriously awesome deserts!!!! (Good soups too.) The angry feminist helps me set boundaries for myself as an adult woman... helps me to protect myself from dangerous situations... and teaches the younger females in my life how to protect themselves from dangerous situations too. I love that about her... she doesn't teach them to hate men, but teaches them how to keep their power. Combine the two? You have June Cleaver... holding a bloodied meat cleaver with sadistic glee! Bwahahaha
6. I love to sing. I sing in the shower. I sing out of the shower. I sing in the car. I sing on the job. (yeah, seriously. I try not to... but always end up singing anyway. Most of the men at my job sing randomly too though, so it's all good.) I sing in the middle of Walmart. (The last time I did that, I got a lecture from a total stranger, asking me if I was using the gift God gave me. It was a bit scawy, but did make me think.) I sing as I clean. I burst into song at the mention of random phrases. "He had it comin'" makes me sing the Cell Block Tango. The sound of thunder makes me sing "The Thunder Rolls." Sometimes, i even dance as I sing... which brings me to #7
7. I adore dancing. It all started when I got a ballet workout DVD from the library... and LOVED IT. (Who would have thought???!!!) Then I got a Latin Dancing workout DVD... and love it too!!! Since then, I've grown more in touch with my body... I feel more in control of my motions, and less clumsy. I worry a lot less about looking silly. I've even burst into random dances in the middle of Walmart a couple of times. (Much to the amusement and slight fear of my shopping buddies.) But really, they play music over the speakers... Why NOT dance???
Now I just need the courage and opportunity to try and dance with others....
And, in the spirit of full disclosure and utmost honesty... I must confess to you...
8. I am DEEPLY and wholeheartedly amused by farts. Not just letting them... (although, my inner child IS deeply amused by "making her butt talk." ) but everything about them. Talking about them brings me great amusement. Stories about the great farts of years gone by make me laugh loudly and deeply. Acronims for them make me giggle softly to myself (SBD... *giggle*...) Letting them silently and then leaving the room for others to be blamed fills me with joy to the depths of my soul.
I critique the farts of my friends and loved ones. (You call THAT a fart???? Dainty old women fart louder than that!!! You can do SO much better.) My little "nephew" (Jakey) runs to me every time he breaks wind (hehe, breaks wind.) and loudly exclaims "Hey Janet! Guess what?? I FARTED!!!!!" and waits for my enthusiastic praise. A few weeks ago, I heard his fart from the other side of the room... and applauded.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
I Knew It!
I knew there was a reason that I love friends who have kids!!!!!
Here is Jakey, vacuuming my carpet! He vacuumed the entire thing... he kept coming in asking me to move stuff so he could vacuum under it!!! THIS KID ROCKS!!!!!!!
This is Gracie and I on the couch... her mommy took this pic of us. Is she not just too cute???
This is Gracie modeling the new hat I crocheted for her!!!! Baby Hannah, her little sis, has a matching one. Now I just need to crochet a little flower or something to embellish it... and it's all set!
And this pic is the Gracie-puppy!!!! Gracie is so cute pretending to be a puppy dog. She pants and everything!
Here is Jakey, vacuuming my carpet! He vacuumed the entire thing... he kept coming in asking me to move stuff so he could vacuum under it!!! THIS KID ROCKS!!!!!!!
This is Gracie and I on the couch... her mommy took this pic of us. Is she not just too cute???
This is Gracie modeling the new hat I crocheted for her!!!! Baby Hannah, her little sis, has a matching one. Now I just need to crochet a little flower or something to embellish it... and it's all set!
And this pic is the Gracie-puppy!!!! Gracie is so cute pretending to be a puppy dog. She pants and everything!
Childhood Memories
Every time I get sick, I think of my childhood. Laying on the couch, watching TV... eating lots of jello...
And hating school.
I was ALWAYS sick as a child. My nose was CONSTANTLY running, and red, and irritated from the constant blowing. I always had a cough. (This all ended about the same time we moved out of my dad's house, which had a wood-burning stove!) I was already deeply self-conscious, so the trips up to the teacher's desk, in the FRONT of the room, to get kleenexs were a nightmare.... and then came the drama.
"Why are you blowing your nose so much?"
"Do you know how many kleenex you've used today?"
"Your pareents need to donate kleenex if you're going to keep blowing your nose this much."
And so on. And so forth. Evidently they thought I was just being wasteful? Well, no, I wasn't... I was so scared of the teachers saying something, that I learned to "recycle" kleenexes. I'd get a few in the morning, use them as many times as possible... some more later in the morning, same thing... then by afternnoon the early-morning kleenexes were dry, so I would open them back up... and use them again. Until they fell apart. And STILL I got in trouble for using too many kleenexs. Sometimes I even used the same kleenexes for multiple days. Do you KNOW how gross that was???!!
I think there is a special place in hell for teachers who make their students feel self-conscious for basic body needs.
(And no, there is not a point to this ranting. Except that teachers suck. And colds suck. And noses-rubbed-raw-from-kleenexs suck. And I want a nap.)
And hating school.
I was ALWAYS sick as a child. My nose was CONSTANTLY running, and red, and irritated from the constant blowing. I always had a cough. (This all ended about the same time we moved out of my dad's house, which had a wood-burning stove!) I was already deeply self-conscious, so the trips up to the teacher's desk, in the FRONT of the room, to get kleenexs were a nightmare.... and then came the drama.
"Why are you blowing your nose so much?"
"Do you know how many kleenex you've used today?"
"Your pareents need to donate kleenex if you're going to keep blowing your nose this much."
And so on. And so forth. Evidently they thought I was just being wasteful? Well, no, I wasn't... I was so scared of the teachers saying something, that I learned to "recycle" kleenexes. I'd get a few in the morning, use them as many times as possible... some more later in the morning, same thing... then by afternnoon the early-morning kleenexes were dry, so I would open them back up... and use them again. Until they fell apart. And STILL I got in trouble for using too many kleenexs. Sometimes I even used the same kleenexes for multiple days. Do you KNOW how gross that was???!!
I think there is a special place in hell for teachers who make their students feel self-conscious for basic body needs.
(And no, there is not a point to this ranting. Except that teachers suck. And colds suck. And noses-rubbed-raw-from-kleenexs suck. And I want a nap.)
THUD!
(I posted this post last night, and then deleted it because it seemed awefully whiney... but really, it's how I felt. So, after talking to a way-cool friend, I put it back up. Here it is!)
No, for once this is not an "Owwie Story"... that is the sound of me losing my balance. Not in a physical way (hence the lack of owwies!), but on the inside.
I don't know when it started exactly... I thought I was doing really well! I was being a good friend for once, being a good almost-wife to James, and so on... but really, I was just trying to prove to... I'm not sure who. But I was trying to prove to someone, most likely myself, that I WAS okay. But really, I wasn't. Financially, I've hit rock bottom after the bank screwed me over, and am still recovering. Physically I've deprived my body of sleep and good nutrition until I finally got sick this Wednesday... and I'm still sick. And emotionally... crap.
I'm not sure how I got in this position, but I seem to be stuck in a whirlwind of proving myself. To everyone. Even people who suck! I have cleaned childrens vomit to prove my devotion to "my kids." I have scrubbed the house of a friend to prove that I am not a sucky friend. I've spent time with James when I really wanted to collapse in bed with a good book, to prove I'm not a sucky soon-to-be-wife. And to top it all off? My glitter crayons SUCKED!!!! The glitter wouldn't come off as my ADHD child colored, and the crayon on the paper peeled if you pressed hard... *sigh* So I couldn't prove that I'm an awesome artsy person, because the crayons sucked, and my attempt to collage a coloring page didn't work out, and.. I haven't blogged every day, and....
And it's officially the holiday season, the first one without my Dad, and I haven't dealt with that AT ALL. I'm still trying to stick my head in the sand and pretend Christmas doesn't exist, even as I make Christmas ornaments. Yeah. I pride myself on my logic.
So, that's my official emotional state.
But in happier news... Hardees has a "new" milkshake, Oreo! It's not really new though, it's just their Cookies & Cream shake, marketed under a new name... but still insanely yummy. I highly recommend it!
No, for once this is not an "Owwie Story"... that is the sound of me losing my balance. Not in a physical way (hence the lack of owwies!), but on the inside.
I don't know when it started exactly... I thought I was doing really well! I was being a good friend for once, being a good almost-wife to James, and so on... but really, I was just trying to prove to... I'm not sure who. But I was trying to prove to someone, most likely myself, that I WAS okay. But really, I wasn't. Financially, I've hit rock bottom after the bank screwed me over, and am still recovering. Physically I've deprived my body of sleep and good nutrition until I finally got sick this Wednesday... and I'm still sick. And emotionally... crap.
I'm not sure how I got in this position, but I seem to be stuck in a whirlwind of proving myself. To everyone. Even people who suck! I have cleaned childrens vomit to prove my devotion to "my kids." I have scrubbed the house of a friend to prove that I am not a sucky friend. I've spent time with James when I really wanted to collapse in bed with a good book, to prove I'm not a sucky soon-to-be-wife. And to top it all off? My glitter crayons SUCKED!!!! The glitter wouldn't come off as my ADHD child colored, and the crayon on the paper peeled if you pressed hard... *sigh* So I couldn't prove that I'm an awesome artsy person, because the crayons sucked, and my attempt to collage a coloring page didn't work out, and.. I haven't blogged every day, and....
And it's officially the holiday season, the first one without my Dad, and I haven't dealt with that AT ALL. I'm still trying to stick my head in the sand and pretend Christmas doesn't exist, even as I make Christmas ornaments. Yeah. I pride myself on my logic.
So, that's my official emotional state.
But in happier news... Hardees has a "new" milkshake, Oreo! It's not really new though, it's just their Cookies & Cream shake, marketed under a new name... but still insanely yummy. I highly recommend it!
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Happy turkey day everyone!!!!
I didn't celebrate mine in quite the way I'd expected today... Instead of being surrounded by loved ones, laughter, and such... I was surounded by kleenex, the hum of the computer, and some SERIOUSLY tasty leftovers!!! Not the turkey day I'd expected, but I think my body needed a day of jammies and laziness.
My stupid puter is being a pain today, so I will keep this short to preserve my sanity. More tomorrow, including a glitter-crayon drawing by my inner ADHD child! Stay tuned for this and more! *using best TV ad voice*
I didn't celebrate mine in quite the way I'd expected today... Instead of being surrounded by loved ones, laughter, and such... I was surounded by kleenex, the hum of the computer, and some SERIOUSLY tasty leftovers!!! Not the turkey day I'd expected, but I think my body needed a day of jammies and laziness.
My stupid puter is being a pain today, so I will keep this short to preserve my sanity. More tomorrow, including a glitter-crayon drawing by my inner ADHD child! Stay tuned for this and more! *using best TV ad voice*
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Behold!!!!!!!!!
I just realized I had this in my car, and COULD take a pic for you!!!! *happy clap*
Now, there is a story behind this particular mini-bootie.
After I had made 4 booties using the same pattern, I decided to try another one. Well, I got started on it, without paying attention to what SIZE crochet hook I was supposed to use. I just used the same one I had on the last set.
It came out UBER-small, but seemed like a fun pattern! That left me with one small problem though...
What do I do with this itty-bitty bootie???
So I happened to find one of Gracie's baby dolls later that day, and realized that it had uber-small feet!!! So I put the bootie on it and gave the doll to Gracie...
She RAN with it to the living room, showing it to Mommy and Daddy and loudly exclaiming "OCK! OCK!" and holding up her dollie to show them!
Talk about a warm fuzzy feeling!!!! Gracie's babies are SO going to get lots of clothes this Christmas. LOL
A New Addition!!!
Yesterday, a new member was added to our Ohana! Hannah (daughter of Brittany & Phillip, and little sis to Gracie) was born yesterday afternoon, and is doing great!
Poor Gracie has the flu though, and hasn't been able to see her new baby sis yet. I watched her yesterday while Hannah was being born, and thought she was getting better... til she threw up right as I was leaving for work this morning. :( Stupid flu!!!!!
Tonight James is planning to come over, in his car-with-no-brakes, and tomorrow is his family Thanksgiving! My car is nice and legal now (and I am $205 poorer) so we will drive it.
I'll post a "real" blogpost as soon as I can, with lots of pics of booties and kiddos and art and random stuffs. But for now... ADIOS!!!
Poor Gracie has the flu though, and hasn't been able to see her new baby sis yet. I watched her yesterday while Hannah was being born, and thought she was getting better... til she threw up right as I was leaving for work this morning. :( Stupid flu!!!!!
Tonight James is planning to come over, in his car-with-no-brakes, and tomorrow is his family Thanksgiving! My car is nice and legal now (and I am $205 poorer) so we will drive it.
I'll post a "real" blogpost as soon as I can, with lots of pics of booties and kiddos and art and random stuffs. But for now... ADIOS!!!
Monday, November 19, 2007
Things Couldn't Possibly Get Any Worse...
But they did.
I forgot to renew my license registration for my wittle car, and James got pulled over, twice, while borrowing today to go to work. AND he couldn't even make it in to work, because they threatened to tow the car. Oh, and my car insurance lapsed. And if you're wondering why I am so "irresponsible", let me remind you that the bank just screwed me over for $600+, and I was busy paying to keep my house and car.
However, with this small exception, life is very good. Our Ohana thanksgiving dinner Saturday was AWESOME! We made turkey, ham, stuffing, pies, rolls, taters.... MMMMMMMmmmmmmmm it was yummy. I wrestled around on the floor with Jakey, and then "spooned" with James (clothed. We were clothed. No nasty ideas there.) when I was tired.
Had two emotional breakdowns over the weekend, last nights was especially exceptional. I blogged at my spiritual-stuff blog about spiritual abuse, but I've never really talked much about it... I mean, who would understand if I did? Half of the people would use it as ammo to say that Christianity sucks, and the other half would say I was evil and just had a skewed perspective.
Last night, as James & I were talking about which church to go to after marriage, I cracked. I sobbed uncontrolably in his arms... and it was good. I talked about it a little after my sob was done... and I feel cleansed.
But now, I must go... more updates later!
I forgot to renew my license registration for my wittle car, and James got pulled over, twice, while borrowing today to go to work. AND he couldn't even make it in to work, because they threatened to tow the car. Oh, and my car insurance lapsed. And if you're wondering why I am so "irresponsible", let me remind you that the bank just screwed me over for $600+, and I was busy paying to keep my house and car.
However, with this small exception, life is very good. Our Ohana thanksgiving dinner Saturday was AWESOME! We made turkey, ham, stuffing, pies, rolls, taters.... MMMMMMMmmmmmmmm it was yummy. I wrestled around on the floor with Jakey, and then "spooned" with James (clothed. We were clothed. No nasty ideas there.) when I was tired.
Had two emotional breakdowns over the weekend, last nights was especially exceptional. I blogged at my spiritual-stuff blog about spiritual abuse, but I've never really talked much about it... I mean, who would understand if I did? Half of the people would use it as ammo to say that Christianity sucks, and the other half would say I was evil and just had a skewed perspective.
Last night, as James & I were talking about which church to go to after marriage, I cracked. I sobbed uncontrolably in his arms... and it was good. I talked about it a little after my sob was done... and I feel cleansed.
But now, I must go... more updates later!
Saturday, November 17, 2007
HOLY CRAP!!!!
I just downloaded ALL the pics from my camera, which is like A THOUSAND, and realized...
"Holy Crap!!! I have to be at Brit's house in 10 minutes... and she lives 10 minutes away!!!!!!"
Gotta go. More pics later!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, November 16, 2007
Happy Early Thanksgiving!
Greetings everyone!
I just wanted to give you all a quick howdy tonight. James and I just got back from a DATE! We went out to eat at IHOP, and then went to EBash to play video games... It was UBER FUN!!!!!!
Tomorrow evening is our Ohana Thanksgiving, so I'll be posting all kinds of pics and fun stories when I get home.
Adios todos!
I just wanted to give you all a quick howdy tonight. James and I just got back from a DATE! We went out to eat at IHOP, and then went to EBash to play video games... It was UBER FUN!!!!!!
Tomorrow evening is our Ohana Thanksgiving, so I'll be posting all kinds of pics and fun stories when I get home.
Adios todos!
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Failures & Sucesses
To honor my commitment to emotional transparency... I need to blog today about what's going on inside of me.
I feel like a total and complete failure.
My Ohana has had it's first divorce, and I feel like it's my fault. If I had just been ENOUGH for them... enough to hold them together... this wouldn't have happened.
My house is STILL not clean. The thought of it makes me want to just sit down and sob.
I haven't gotten pics up on my blog for AEM. I have done things! I've made ornaments, crocheted two hats, drew up new ornament designs, made one ATC and started another,... But I haven't put them online. And right now, that seems like a monumental failure. Everyone comes to my blog, and finds no art there.
I haven't called James at all this week. And I'm okay with that, but no one else is (except, James.) With all of the self-criticisms going through my brain, other criticism is just really overwhelming today.
And spiritually? Wow. I suck.
Now that I've ranted to you about my failures... I'm going to try and honour my sucesses. (Someone else did that on her blog, but I can't think of who at the moment and can't find the post. *sigh*)
Jana's Recent Successes:
I feel like a total and complete failure.
My Ohana has had it's first divorce, and I feel like it's my fault. If I had just been ENOUGH for them... enough to hold them together... this wouldn't have happened.
My house is STILL not clean. The thought of it makes me want to just sit down and sob.
I haven't gotten pics up on my blog for AEM. I have done things! I've made ornaments, crocheted two hats, drew up new ornament designs, made one ATC and started another,... But I haven't put them online. And right now, that seems like a monumental failure. Everyone comes to my blog, and finds no art there.
I haven't called James at all this week. And I'm okay with that, but no one else is (except, James.) With all of the self-criticisms going through my brain, other criticism is just really overwhelming today.
And spiritually? Wow. I suck.
~*~*~*~*~
Now that I've ranted to you about my failures... I'm going to try and honour my sucesses. (Someone else did that on her blog, but I can't think of who at the moment and can't find the post. *sigh*)
Jana's Recent Successes:
- I HAVE gotten the house a little cleaner each day.
- I've been a good friend to all of the friends who don't suck.
- I've stuck to my decision to divorce the friends who DO suck, and am not looking back.
- I've allowed myself to express my emotions, even when people looked at me funny or didn't know how to deal with tears from "the strong one."
- I have done MUCH better about self-care this week. My toenails are neatly trimmed, my skin is less dry, I've been drinking more water and less pop... I've even been thinking of ways to use oatmeal to lower my cholesterol!
- I've lost 3 pounds!
Maybe as I've "failed" in some areas this week, I've suceeded in others!!! I don't suck as bad as I thought!
Let me challenge you to ask yourself:
What sucesses can I celebrate today?
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Which One Are YOU?
In honor of my current obsession... may I present you all with...
A quiz:
Which Lady of the Cell Block Tango are you?
You're JUNE!!! Third of our dangerous lady killers!You appear to be rather short tempered and enjoy blaming others for their actions. Using a knife makes things quick with an easy clean up if you have the right materials. You also seem to be quite the cook, but not good at logic. You can't run into a knife!And can someone please explain the squish?!"Ten times!"
Take this quiz!
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Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Down But Not Out
Hello my lovely blogging budds!
Did you think I had given up on AEM?? (Art Every Day Month, started by the beloved blogger Leah)
NOPE!!! I'm still going! I haven't gotten as much "done" as I'd planned to... but I HAVE been working!!!
I have been trying this week to get my friend Brittany's baby stocked up on hats and booties... the hat part is going GREAT!!! (Pics will be taken very soon!!) But the booties??? Whew... I'm sucking at that, right now. Wow am I sucking at them! The first pattern made HUGE booties. The second one was going great, until the heel, which seemed to be written in Swahili. *sigh* Gracie now has that one, and uses it as a chew toy when she is playing the role of the "Gracie puppy". LOL
I also came up with some wicked cool designs for new ornaments to make! I can't wait to get started on them!!!
And on an emotional note... I had a nice emotional blowout last night, and feel much better.
Did you think I had given up on AEM?? (Art Every Day Month, started by the beloved blogger Leah)
NOPE!!! I'm still going! I haven't gotten as much "done" as I'd planned to... but I HAVE been working!!!
I have been trying this week to get my friend Brittany's baby stocked up on hats and booties... the hat part is going GREAT!!! (Pics will be taken very soon!!) But the booties??? Whew... I'm sucking at that, right now. Wow am I sucking at them! The first pattern made HUGE booties. The second one was going great, until the heel, which seemed to be written in Swahili. *sigh* Gracie now has that one, and uses it as a chew toy when she is playing the role of the "Gracie puppy". LOL
I also came up with some wicked cool designs for new ornaments to make! I can't wait to get started on them!!!
And on an emotional note... I had a nice emotional blowout last night, and feel much better.
Monday, November 12, 2007
TGIM
Yes, you did read that right...
Thank God It's Monday!!!!!!!!! I never thought I'd say those words.
This weekend we had our first Ohana "divorce"... two members of the Ohana (our group of friends who are as close as family) walked away this weekend... apparently when I told them the truth (reasons why we hadn't been hanging out with them too much, like that they had started acting differently, claiming God was telling them wierd things, and we were observing from a distance to try and figure out what was going on...) one of them decided to attempt suicide. And apparently it's all my fault, since my life is so stress-free and this person is the only one in the world with problems. (Sarcasm is currently dripping from my voice and threatening to flood the room.)
Now, as a tidbit of background on me, my father was SERIOUSLY manic depressive. For the first 12 years of my life I worried he would kill us or himself. For the next 10 years (once my mom and I were safe from him) I worried he would kill himself, and it would be my fault for not calling enough/loving enough/giving enough, etc.
I refuse to go through that again, ever. I will NOT live in worry about another person taking their life. I will tell them where to get help, encourage them if they try to... but I will NOT take responsibility for keeping them alive. Not now, not ever.
We had a LONG talk with the two Ohana members last night. After we confronted them about what they were doing, (lying to us, keeping a mentally unstable person in a house with a two-year-old, etc.) they decided to walk away from the Ohana rather than let us help them. They blamed it on us... (don't get me started on that. Don't EVEN get me started on that.)
I stayed at Brit's house last night after the talk... she cried, I cried... it felt like the friends we loved had died. I had known this was coming for a while... when I went to the Creative Bazaar in MA in October, these two betrayed my other friends, and continued to do that throughout the last month. I had cried and mourned the fact that we had lost two people we considered to be family... hoping against hope each time we saw them, that maybe they would apologize, and everything would be back to normal... but each time they betrayed us again.
So the ties have been cut, with a door left open so that if they want to not suck, they can re-join the Ohana.
And I am WAY proud of us! Brit and I are not the greatest at standing up for ourselves, or our needs... but this time, WE DID IT!!!!!!
Thank God It's Monday!!!!!!!!! I never thought I'd say those words.
This weekend we had our first Ohana "divorce"... two members of the Ohana (our group of friends who are as close as family) walked away this weekend... apparently when I told them the truth (reasons why we hadn't been hanging out with them too much, like that they had started acting differently, claiming God was telling them wierd things, and we were observing from a distance to try and figure out what was going on...) one of them decided to attempt suicide. And apparently it's all my fault, since my life is so stress-free and this person is the only one in the world with problems. (Sarcasm is currently dripping from my voice and threatening to flood the room.)
Now, as a tidbit of background on me, my father was SERIOUSLY manic depressive. For the first 12 years of my life I worried he would kill us or himself. For the next 10 years (once my mom and I were safe from him) I worried he would kill himself, and it would be my fault for not calling enough/loving enough/giving enough, etc.
I refuse to go through that again, ever. I will NOT live in worry about another person taking their life. I will tell them where to get help, encourage them if they try to... but I will NOT take responsibility for keeping them alive. Not now, not ever.
We had a LONG talk with the two Ohana members last night. After we confronted them about what they were doing, (lying to us, keeping a mentally unstable person in a house with a two-year-old, etc.) they decided to walk away from the Ohana rather than let us help them. They blamed it on us... (don't get me started on that. Don't EVEN get me started on that.)
I stayed at Brit's house last night after the talk... she cried, I cried... it felt like the friends we loved had died. I had known this was coming for a while... when I went to the Creative Bazaar in MA in October, these two betrayed my other friends, and continued to do that throughout the last month. I had cried and mourned the fact that we had lost two people we considered to be family... hoping against hope each time we saw them, that maybe they would apologize, and everything would be back to normal... but each time they betrayed us again.
So the ties have been cut, with a door left open so that if they want to not suck, they can re-join the Ohana.
And I am WAY proud of us! Brit and I are not the greatest at standing up for ourselves, or our needs... but this time, WE DID IT!!!!!!
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Nesting All Around!!
Well, my friend Brittany is officially moved into her new house. Last night we got the big stuff moved in, some dishes in and washed, and the baby clothes ready to wash & be put into the dresser.
Today I did a bunch of laundry (mine, and James, and Brittany's baby clothes... how pathetic am I? "Can I please wash your baby clothing?? It makes me feel emotionally fulfilled." Brit will like it though... nothing like an OCD friend who likes to do baby laundry on occasion.)
Then I cleaned MY house... It is not clean, by any means... but we made progress today. Every room is cleaner this evening than it was when I woke up today. Less dishes are dirty, less laundry is in hampers.
Progress IS being made.
Today I did a bunch of laundry (mine, and James, and Brittany's baby clothes... how pathetic am I? "Can I please wash your baby clothing?? It makes me feel emotionally fulfilled." Brit will like it though... nothing like an OCD friend who likes to do baby laundry on occasion.)
Then I cleaned MY house... It is not clean, by any means... but we made progress today. Every room is cleaner this evening than it was when I woke up today. Less dishes are dirty, less laundry is in hampers.
Progress IS being made.
Friday, November 09, 2007
PUT ON THE BRAKES!
I am SO insanely glad that it is Friday. I can't wait to walk out of my doors here at work, go home, nap a little, change into junky clothes, and start my official WEEKEND!!! This will be a very full weekend, especially since my friends have all decided to feud (again). But you know what? They're grown adults. They can solve their own problems for once!
I'm drawing a line for myself... from this point on, if they want to all stay an Ohana (Ohana means family), they will have to care enough to apologize to one another and make peace. I refuse to take responsibility for holding them all together anymore. I won't listen to any more drama, whining, crying, or tattle-taling.
I WILL however, take a nice long nap, possibly a nice hot shower, and enjoy some relaxing time on the computer. I plan to don jammies for the nap time, and read a novel until I fall asleep. I will not worry about anyone but myself, for 2 hours.
Sometimes life feels like it's spinning completely out of control. Today... I'm putting on the brakes.
I'm drawing a line for myself... from this point on, if they want to all stay an Ohana (Ohana means family), they will have to care enough to apologize to one another and make peace. I refuse to take responsibility for holding them all together anymore. I won't listen to any more drama, whining, crying, or tattle-taling.
I WILL however, take a nice long nap, possibly a nice hot shower, and enjoy some relaxing time on the computer. I plan to don jammies for the nap time, and read a novel until I fall asleep. I will not worry about anyone but myself, for 2 hours.
Sometimes life feels like it's spinning completely out of control. Today... I'm putting on the brakes.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Art & Distractions
Well, my mind is officially off of the grief for my dad for a while. And how did this happen??
My friend Brittany, who is due to have a baby around Thanksgiving, started having contractions last night!!!!!!!!!! (And we all know, nothing can distract you from grief like the thought that someone might be having a baby on your couch!!! LOL)
Aunt Jana was busy scurrying around the house, packing a bag for herself (yarn, baby patterns, etc.) and a bag for Gracie - age 2 (crayons, coloring books, cereal to snack on, spare clothes & diapers)
Brits contractions have slowed for the moment (she is at my house, with my cell phone beside her... she started having strong contractions while there last night, and decided she wasn't up to walking long enough to go home. ) She has an appointment this afternoon with the doctor/midwife to tell them about the contractions and have them look at her and tell her what to expect at this stage.
It's all so exciting!!!!!!!
As Brit was having her contractions, and we were writing them down on a little sheet, I decided to do my AEDM project for the night: My first Mandala!!
Tammy V drew this picture and put it online for us all to color at our leisure!! I had SO much fun coloring her... in colors I'd always wanted to use, but never really found a place to use... But they really seem to fit her.
Here is another pic I took of it, this one has better color:
Thanks for the fun Tammy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My friend Brittany, who is due to have a baby around Thanksgiving, started having contractions last night!!!!!!!!!! (And we all know, nothing can distract you from grief like the thought that someone might be having a baby on your couch!!! LOL)
Aunt Jana was busy scurrying around the house, packing a bag for herself (yarn, baby patterns, etc.) and a bag for Gracie - age 2 (crayons, coloring books, cereal to snack on, spare clothes & diapers)
Brits contractions have slowed for the moment (she is at my house, with my cell phone beside her... she started having strong contractions while there last night, and decided she wasn't up to walking long enough to go home. ) She has an appointment this afternoon with the doctor/midwife to tell them about the contractions and have them look at her and tell her what to expect at this stage.
It's all so exciting!!!!!!!
As Brit was having her contractions, and we were writing them down on a little sheet, I decided to do my AEDM project for the night: My first Mandala!!
Tammy V drew this picture and put it online for us all to color at our leisure!! I had SO much fun coloring her... in colors I'd always wanted to use, but never really found a place to use... But they really seem to fit her.
Here is another pic I took of it, this one has better color:
Thanks for the fun Tammy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Grief
This week has been a very hard week for me...
For the first time, it really sunk in that this will be my first holiday season without my Dad. I have felt so alone in this... and I don't even know how to tell the people in my life that I AM hurting, that I need their support.... so I wrote a poem.
This, BTW, is the un-edited, totally raw version... I plan to edit before I show it to anyone else.
Grief
How can I tell you,
That I’m hurting today?
You’re so busy living your own life,
How can I ask you to stand with me,
As I grieve for the dead?
How can I share with you you,
the pain I feel inside?
When you see me as your strength,
The one who needs nothing.
How can I show you,
that my grief is never “done,”
When it pops up at times
That seem to make no sense.
When I smell his favorite cologne,
When a man in a beard walks by,
When a story makes me think of him,
When I know a dirty joke would make him laugh.
Instead I walk to the cemetery
A place where the dead still live.
I curl up beside his stone,
Finally opening my heart,
Displaying my pain.
And in this, the most lonely of places
I am surrounded by all the comfort I need.
The sun embraces me warmly,
Melting the coldness of my broken heart.
The wind blows all around me,
Caressing me with it’s cool fingers.
A lone cow lows mournfully in the distance,
Giving voice to my sorrow.
For the first time, it really sunk in that this will be my first holiday season without my Dad. I have felt so alone in this... and I don't even know how to tell the people in my life that I AM hurting, that I need their support.... so I wrote a poem.
This, BTW, is the un-edited, totally raw version... I plan to edit before I show it to anyone else.
Grief
How can I tell you,
That I’m hurting today?
You’re so busy living your own life,
How can I ask you to stand with me,
As I grieve for the dead?
How can I share with you you,
the pain I feel inside?
When you see me as your strength,
The one who needs nothing.
How can I show you,
that my grief is never “done,”
When it pops up at times
That seem to make no sense.
When I smell his favorite cologne,
When a man in a beard walks by,
When a story makes me think of him,
When I know a dirty joke would make him laugh.
Instead I walk to the cemetery
A place where the dead still live.
I curl up beside his stone,
Finally opening my heart,
Displaying my pain.
And in this, the most lonely of places
I am surrounded by all the comfort I need.
The sun embraces me warmly,
Melting the coldness of my broken heart.
The wind blows all around me,
Caressing me with it’s cool fingers.
A lone cow lows mournfully in the distance,
Giving voice to my sorrow.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
NTRPKT - And the Winner Is....
As you all may remember, I have a little contest going at my blog! I think I will call it "Name That Random Partially Knitted Thing"... NTRPKT for short. *giggle*
Earlier in the week, you were asked to guess what this would eventually become:
Some of the guesses given were:
- Christmas stocking
- Hat
- Blanket
- Sweater
- Scrunchie
- Scarf
- Flower
- Cozy
- Ornament
- Napkin Ring
So who was the winner???
ELLIE!!!
She guessed... a flower:
(Excuse the really crappy pic... took a photo with my cell phone cam out of desperation!)
Congrats Ellie!!! Send me an e-mail with your address & I'll get your flower off to you!
Monday, November 05, 2007
A New Commitment
When I signed up for NaBloPoMo this month, one goal I considered was to blog about my emotional state each day. I feel SO deeply detached sometimes...
So when you see wierd updates on my emotions, now you know why! :)
So when you see wierd updates on my emotions, now you know why! :)
SO UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you believe, that the first time I try to do NaBloPoMo, my stupid keyboard quit functioning over the weekend?????
This is my official blog post for yesterday, since it is SO not my fault that the keyboard died. *sticking tongue out at the NaBloPoMo gods*
In other news... yesterday I had my emotional blowout for this quarter (I seem to have one about every three months or so... like my "happy pills" keep my emotions from getting out of control, but they build up a little here and there and eventually explode out if I miss a day or two of pills.) Luckily James was there, so he just held me tight as I cried... both times... *sigh* Now I'm emotionally spent, but I feel like I can deal with the things that were stressing me so bad. James is coming over today to help me get the house clean... I had the whole world at my house this weekend, (okay, just 4 other adults, one 5-year-old, and one 2-year-old... and another 2 adults and another 2-year-old were over Saturday night.) and only one offered to help clean up the mess they all made. I feel like my life is being spent doing other people's dishes, laundry, and clean-up... but as soon as I get the house clean this time, it is SO going to be a rule of my house that I am NOT anyone's mama, so clean up after your OWN selves!!! LOL
Really though, in their defense... even with the two kids in the house, they didn't leave much of a mess. The cat's litterbox was in the "kids room" (aka the living room) so he decided to poop on the floor of another room rather than venture in with the little heathen children... pizza boxes are scattered here and there, random pieces of laundry are left, and dishes... well, we won't even discuss them!! But the clutter left behind is minimal, no flour was spilled, no play-dough was ground into my carpet, and no teensy-tiny beads were spilled... so all in all?? Life is good. I think i just over-reacted due to the lack of happy-pills... but I DO plan on asking for help keeping the house clean on "communal weekends" like this from now on.
And let me just brag on myself for a moment and say... I have officially moved some of my friends into the "treat like family" category, and while they were at my house Friday, I cleaned around them. Consequently... all videos & dvds are back in their cases, and all kids movies are on the bottom 3 shelves where Gracie can reach them (and only them lol). And now? I maintained it!!!! Wooo hooo!!!
This is my official blog post for yesterday, since it is SO not my fault that the keyboard died. *sticking tongue out at the NaBloPoMo gods*
In other news... yesterday I had my emotional blowout for this quarter (I seem to have one about every three months or so... like my "happy pills" keep my emotions from getting out of control, but they build up a little here and there and eventually explode out if I miss a day or two of pills.) Luckily James was there, so he just held me tight as I cried... both times... *sigh* Now I'm emotionally spent, but I feel like I can deal with the things that were stressing me so bad. James is coming over today to help me get the house clean... I had the whole world at my house this weekend, (okay, just 4 other adults, one 5-year-old, and one 2-year-old... and another 2 adults and another 2-year-old were over Saturday night.) and only one offered to help clean up the mess they all made. I feel like my life is being spent doing other people's dishes, laundry, and clean-up... but as soon as I get the house clean this time, it is SO going to be a rule of my house that I am NOT anyone's mama, so clean up after your OWN selves!!! LOL
Really though, in their defense... even with the two kids in the house, they didn't leave much of a mess. The cat's litterbox was in the "kids room" (aka the living room) so he decided to poop on the floor of another room rather than venture in with the little heathen children... pizza boxes are scattered here and there, random pieces of laundry are left, and dishes... well, we won't even discuss them!! But the clutter left behind is minimal, no flour was spilled, no play-dough was ground into my carpet, and no teensy-tiny beads were spilled... so all in all?? Life is good. I think i just over-reacted due to the lack of happy-pills... but I DO plan on asking for help keeping the house clean on "communal weekends" like this from now on.
And let me just brag on myself for a moment and say... I have officially moved some of my friends into the "treat like family" category, and while they were at my house Friday, I cleaned around them. Consequently... all videos & dvds are back in their cases, and all kids movies are on the bottom 3 shelves where Gracie can reach them (and only them lol). And now? I maintained it!!!! Wooo hooo!!!
Saturday, November 03, 2007
AEM - Day 3
Tonight's newest creation... collaged ornaments! (Which will be embellished more later I'm guessing, but for now... THIS WAS FUN!!!!!!)
Must post this before midnight!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gotta go now.
Friday, November 02, 2007
AEDM - Day 2
Well, unfortunately I have no pics to show you today... not because I don't WANT to show you any pics (I actually took about 10.), but because silly me lent her camera to a friend and forgot to put the pics on her computer first!!! *sigh*
As a result, you have until tomorrow to vote on yesterday's mystery yarn creation... so far, the correct answer hasn't been given! So let me give you a clue:
The finished dimensions of this item are:
1 1/2 inch around
1 1/2 inch tall
(Yes, the item is 3-dimensional.)
Guessing will remain open until my camera is returned!
In the meantime, here is a quick report of my accomplishments for the day:
As a result, you have until tomorrow to vote on yesterday's mystery yarn creation... so far, the correct answer hasn't been given! So let me give you a clue:
The finished dimensions of this item are:
1 1/2 inch around
1 1/2 inch tall
(Yes, the item is 3-dimensional.)
Guessing will remain open until my camera is returned!
In the meantime, here is a quick report of my accomplishments for the day:
- Did yard work, for the first time in FOREVER!!!! Had a blast!
- Cleaned some on the living room
- Made attempt #1 at ornament making - Failed (technique didn't work, and came off) but learned from it
- Started my FIRST ATC CARD!!!!!!!! *happy dance*
- Started to organize my art/craft room
And now, for my final accomplishment for the day....
I'm going to bed. Nite!!!!!!
Thursday, November 01, 2007
AEDM - Day 1
Well, today is the first day of Art Everyday Month! Before I start to tell you about my progress though, let me show you the newest update to my Dream box:
He's really starting to take shape!!!!!
Now, for AEM this month, I had originally planned to learn a different type of art/craft per week. But today I decided to rethink that... the structure of that seems a bit annoying, and my inner child is not happy about it. Sooooo... We'll just see what happens this month!
Last night, I decided to start my month off with some creative knitting... a kind I hadn't done before. So, for AEM day one... here is my progress so far! (You'll never guess what it's going to be... but how about we make a little contest? If you DO guess what it is, I will mail the finished project to you!)
So what do YOU think this will be???
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