Where I'm At

Just a little update on my life:

I turned in my first paper as a college student today! I have another one due tomorrow, which I'm currently revising.

I'm not pregnant. After sobbing pathetically Friday morning and Monday afternoon at work (can we say "humiliating"?) about things that happen to me every single day, we thought it might be a good time to check, but nope... no baby. I'm trying to take my temp every day, but can I just rant to you for a moment? The thermometer instructions say to check your temp every morning, first thing, WHEN YOU ARE HALF ASLEEP. If I am half-asleep, how am I supposed to remember to take my temp?!! *sigh* So far, this hasn't gone well. I've taken to putting my thermometer on top of my cell phone (which I use as an alarm clock) every night, so I see it when I reach to hit the snooze button.

I've failed as a vegetarian. I ate a single meatball, because I forgot I was a vegetarian. The meatball really wasn't that exciting either. How sad.

I've learned to make "Cheater's Spanakopita", using biscuit dough from a tube. You just mix together one (small) container of cottage cheese, two eggs, and some spinach (2 bunches is what it called for, but I didn't use that much). Set that aside for a moment as you take each biscuit and roll it out as then as you'd like. Lay 1/2 of the now-rolled-out-biscuits onto an ungreased cookie sheet. Spread the filling out evenly on the four biscuits on the cookie sheet, and top with the other 1/2 of the biscuits. Smoosh the edges together to make 4 spanikopita pockets. Bake 35 minutes at 400 degrees. Yum.

My husband is gone, working on his mom's car... I have no idea when or if he will be home tonight, and I really need him. Does no one think about the fact that I just had another negative prego test, and might need some support? (I know, I know, how can they know if I don't ask? But how can I ask if I don't have my phone? You see my dilemma.)

Which reminds me... my sister-in-laws surprise birthday party is now being planned for the day my father died 2 years ago. Maybe I should be stronger, or over it... but I just don't think so. I asked Aunt Martha about it, hoping maybe we could do it the week before, but was told just to come and be with friends and family, that they would understand... but who wants someone all weepy at their birthday party? But at the same time, I'd rather die than hurt that sis-in-law, so... I'm stuck. I want to be there, because I love her to death... but I don't want to be there, because I plan to spend that day honoring my dad's memory and will most likely be emotionally and physically exhausted. If it gets too bad and I just can't stop by the party, maybe I could get her a really nice card explaining how much I love her and why I wasn't able to be there. Her mom died not long after my dad, so she would understand.

I haven't shown you all any pics of my baby niece, have I? I'll have to start another post later tonight with all the baby pics in it. She is so cute!!!!!!!!!! I absolutely love her.

For right now, I'm starved... I'm going to go cook a baked potato and maybe make some cauliflower with cream sauce... (adding cheese to the sauce, of course. Mmmmm....)

Dancing & Life

Last night was my second dance party, following a pre-party Waltz class. I struggled a lot, but I had a LOT of fun. I can now do some basic steps in: Foxtrot, ChaCha, Rumba, East Coast Swing, Merangue, and since none of us were giving requests to the DJ, we all learned a line dance.... which was surprisingly HARD physically. I was like... wow.

Talked to a lady there who teaches belly dancing on the campus I work at... she does that on Monday nights, so I may join the fun. They're free, and since this month will be my last regular dance class for a while as we save up money to pay for books for my classes in January... this might be a fun option for me.

I still don't feel like I have any control over my body... I still feel like the uncoordinated kid in the corner who people choose last for EVERY sports team. I wonder how long I have to dance before my body feels like it's mine, ya know?

I've become depressed. This new job, recurring grief over my dad, upcoming holidays, financial issues, combined with the normal crap (the house isn't clean, at all, because I've been depressed. I'm more depressed because the house is dirty. I'm depressed because I feel fat and ugly. Since I'm depressed, I overeat and just want to sleep all the time, thereby making myself gain more weight...) has just been too much. I need to talk to a doctor about happy pills, but that brings us back to the financial issues... I owe money to the doctor (stupid insurance switch at my old job, I didn't realized they weren't paying my doctor bills til it was too late.), so I can't get in to see her until I pay... and even if I did, I couldn't afford the prescription...

Basically, every area of my life is out of control... and I'm cracking. So, I'll go back to making collages, spending time with myself, letting myself heal... perhaps that will be enough to get me through.

TGIF!!!!!!!

I'm so glad it's the weekend!!!!!!!

(Yeah, that's all I have to say at the moment.)

Oh wait. I have more to say now. *editing post*

I do apologize for being such a sucky blogger, and not visiting blogs... I think I just need a break. I can't seem to make myself want to have even the slightest human interactions at the moment (online or off), and I figure that its just a passing thing and I'll snap out of it soon. I want to regroup some this weekend... I feel un-centered, if that makes any sense. During the weekdays when James is off work, I wake up as James's wife (he wakes up with me most days), then I go to work as Bill's employee, and come home to being James's wife... even go to bed as James's wife. I feel like I've just lost touch with Jana. I need to learn how to be Jana no matter what.... but that's another thing for another day. Today, I plan to take some time and go to a yard sale or something before going home... just enough that I'm Jana again, and then I can go home to my hubby. :) And then the weekend begins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What are you all doing this weekend???

Self-Examination

I seem to be taking some time off of blogging, to self-analyze a bit. Today though, I was pointed to Leah's blog, where she bravely posted about her struggles with depression.

It's been two full months now since my last "happy pill" was taken. At the time, I just needed to know if I could live without them long enough to not damage a baby... so far, two months has gone by, and I'm still alive. What that means, I don't know. After a while, I started to realize that some very unhealthy things had happened while I was medicated... things that have made getting off the anti-depressants that much harder. Take, for example, the unhealthy friendships I formed. I took a lot of crap that I should have. A LOT of crap. Why did I do it? Because I was medicated to the point that I didn't care... and that is bad. I let a LOT of things go that I was unhappy about, also because I just didn't care.

I'm sure the dosage I was on was too high, and I wasn't monitored in any way. There were no follow-up visits to see how this was effecting me, no questions asked to help me know if this was how I SHOULD be feeling or not... and as someone just starting to take an antidepressant, I had no idea what to expect!

Now I'm asking questions of myself... Am I looking for the root causes of depression, treating it's symptoms, or both? I think that a lot of my depression has roots in my past, but I think a lot of my choices influence it too. I need to take care of my body... I need to get rest when I need to, and I need to eat better. I have IBS and I live like I don't... whenever I have a flare-up of it, I feel a TON more depressed.

I feel like it's time for me to take some time off of the meds, and re-evaluate my life. Am I really dealing with the issues in my life that are the root of much of my depression? Are my feelings of inadequacy being addressed? Depression sometimes has a purpose in our lives... it tells us when there are things that need to be dealt with inside us. It lets us know when things are "off" in our relationships to ourselves and others. Even if I do go back on medication (a different one, and monitored more closely.) I want to be able to feel... I don't want to be numb to the life around me.

So, for now, my "plan for the day" is to go back to the library and get some books about anxiety and depression. I want to read about what foods they say to include in your diet and what ones to avoid, and try to change my diet a little. I want to make myself sleep earlier at night. Most of all, I want to really LISTEN to the depression I feel. What is it telling me?

And when the time comes (hopefully after a baby???) I will make the decision to get back on medication if I need to. I don't have to decide everything today... just one day at a time.

Where Have I Been Lately?

OH CRAP!!!! I haven't posted in forever!!!!! Where have I been?

OH YEAH! I've been hanging out with my little niece, K-girl!
And her baby brother, K-boy!!!!! (Is he not just SO insanely little and cute???

And watching them be adorable TOGETHER!!! (He's like "DUDE! I'm trying to SLEEP here!! Ya mind?!)

We've been playing with the Kareoke (Yeah, I spelled it wrong. Deal with it.) machine we bought for $5 at a yard sale! (Ignore the door, we are SO repainting it soon and replacing those curtains... BLECK!)
And playing Texas Hold 'Em Poker, with a set we bought for 8 dollars at a different yard sale! Everything was new except the case, which had a broken latch. BIG DEAL! LOL What a bargain.

And making baby bibs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The crocheted ones in the top left are done and ready to sell... all the rest are in various states of production lol I'm feeling the bib vibes wearing off, so I'll probably finish these and then move onto something else for a while until my "bibbing mojo" comes back LOL

Depression... I can't say it's gone, but it has lessened some. I plan to listen to all of your advice, believe it or not. Tomorrow night I plan to get a notebook and set it aside to journal my depression and anxiety. I also plan to grab some St Johns Wort (Note to Brian: I'm going to look for it at Nancy's herb shop on 41), and ask if it is safe for me since I may become pregnant. Jen, if I get to the point where it is consistently taking over my life, I plan to take the journal to my doctor, and ask for a different medication... perhaps one that I can take AS NEEDED instead of all of the time. I more or less plan to take one day at a time, and see what feels right.

Dramatic Shifts

This weekend was crazy... after a day spent with James's family running errands (helping aunts with this and that), we had the family 4th of July doins, complete with fireworks. We stayed the night at Aunt Anita's house, and she and I stayed up til 3 AM chatting (girl talk! YEAH!). I was happily napping on her pull-out couch...

When the phone rang.

James's job calling, telling him that as of right then he was switched to the shift-of-all-suckiness. They wanted him to leave that instant to come to work (another guy didn't show up) but we were 35 minutes from home, and it's another hour from home to work. James explained that he was away for the day but could start today. James is now working the following shift: (Keep in mind he has about an hour drive each way.)

Saturday: 5AM to 5:30PM
Sunday: 5AM to 5:30PM
Monday: 5AM to 5:30 PM
Tuesday - Friday off

Why is this such a big deal? I work Monday thru Friday. This means....

I will have to take a day off of work to do anything major with my hubby.
We won't be able to go to church together at all, except for Wed. night prophesy class. (Have I ranted about how much I HATE prophesy?)
No more lazy Saturdays watching movies with my hubby.
I will go to all his family gatherings alone. (I *heart* his family, so I'll still go.)

I have cried on and off since we got the news at 8: 27AM yesterday. It shouldn't be such a big deal, but it is. I'm ANGRY because James has seniority over so many people, and was put on the shift-of-all-suckiness simply because he IS such a good worker. I'm disappointed that the first Sunday we were going to be members of my church, I'm home alone instead. I'm disappointed because we won't be able to go hiking on cool Saturdays... or visit friends or family together... I'll be spending my weekends alone.

It's not without advantages... I should probably concentrate on those:

~This will make it WAY easier for us to work on the house... When James takes his vacation days, he'll end up with a totall of 11 days off in a row.
~This will make it easier for me to get the housecleaning caught up, since James is going to do more on his days off.
~This will give me alone time, which I generally need for my sanity. It's a bit over-abundant... but still okay I guess.
~We can make plans of the evenings, instead of just a rushed supper and then James going to bed. We'll be able to cook supper together, which will be really fun... and then be able to watch a movie together if we want! *happy at that thought*
~I get off early on Fridays, so if James takes a nap earlier in the day, we might be able to hike on Friday afternoons.

So, there are advantages and disadvantages of this... but for whatever reason, I just feel the need to sit and cry about it. It's been a long while since I've felt this seriously depressed... but I'm allowing myself to feel it, examine it, accept it... and hopefully soon I'll be ready and able to move to a different emotion.

Progress Report

Thought I'd give some random updates:


*We're still working on getting the house cleaned and organized... will it ever end??? LOL I've gotten rid of so much of the old roomate's stuff, which has helped A LOT. I've given a lot away on freecycle and still have some stuff to take to Goodwill. I really need to go through my art supplies... I have so much stuff... and I hate to throw stuff out, knowing I might want it later. BUT... I have so much stuff that I can never find anything, and that is more frustration than it's worth... so... tonight I'll begin using up stuff so I don't have to throw it away!! LOL I'm so bad.

*I bought a new camera. I feel guilt for spending the $$$, but at the same time I will use it so much that it is worth it to me. Far cheaper than getting film developed or making copies of other people's pics. I'm also going to enter some photo contests, and hopefully *crossing fingers* win back some of the money I spent.

*I've been insanely emotional this week, for no explainable reason. I've moped around like a teenage emo-kid, and cried at random intervals. I feel like the house is never going to get clean... and as I spend my time trying to get caught up on that, the back yard is becoming a wilderness again. I also haven't made any art, and my inner child is becoming very sad. (Probably the reason for my emo-ness. I must appease her!)

*My back is better but still not totally healed. Yesterday I made it the whole day without any pain pills!!!! Yippee!!!! Today is not going quite as well... i walked to work again (day #3 of this week) and my back was hurting really badly by the time I got in to work. No idea why.

*I set a record high weight yesterday *sigh* Scales suck!!!!

*I'm almost crocheting a baby blankie for my new nephew!!! I never thought I could have the patience to finish even a baby blankie.... i'm so proud!!!!

*I managed to fry the middle finger of my right hand... more about the "Flautas of Death" will be on our Foodie Blog tonight, after i get the pics (of the flautas, not of the burns... the burns look gross.) loaded onto my computer.

*Today at work, I was discussing my emotional-ness with a coworker... and got the second vote-of-approval for the natural me. She and my husband both like me better unmedicated... which surprised me. Emotionalness and all... they still love me. That really moved me.

*James found the fuel system I need to make my glass bead-making kit work, and it is CHEAP!!!!!!! I'm so excited!!!!! It will be my reward for having a clean house! WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO!

A Collage & Weekend Plans

The color on this is a bit wonky, since my scanner isn't hooked up and I took this pic inside at night... but oh well. And it's uneven, which drives me insane... *sigh*

This is part of a series of collages that have been rattling around in my brain for over a year. Literally. This one doesn't really capture what I want it to... but it's a good start. :)

To me, this is how depression feels... everything outside of me can be as bright and happy as can be... but inside of me everything is frozen and dead.

I'll try and take a pic tomorrow when it's light, so the pic will come out better.

*~*~*~*~*~*

I'm so glad it's finally the weekend!!!! Today I got off early (about 1:15) and came home and went DIRECTLY to bed... slept until 4:30!! Every night this week I've worked on the house until 10:30 or so and then finally went to bed... so today was catch-up day. Tomorrow we're going to work on the kitchen area some more (organizing, throwing things out, scrubbing, etc) and then hopefully by the end of the day it'll be ready for renovations and painting! YIPPEE!!!!!! A large portion of the floor needs to be ripped out because our deep freeze leaks and it's rotted out the floor underneath... we plan to defrost the freezer REALLY well this weekend, and then see if we can find some kind of pan to put under the freezer to catch the water, or some way to fix it.

But in case you're thinking my whole weekend will be filled with work... this is MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND! Do you KNOW what this means??

YARD SALES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pics of my bargains (if it doesn't rain) will be up on the blog soon!!! Woo hoo! I love yard sales!!!!!!!!!!

What are YOUR plans for the weekend?

Tuesday In Randomness

Today, my brain is tired and I don't feel like delving into my heart and soul to find something meaningful to post about. So, I'll just give you some random updates on my life:

*~* I have been SO hungry today!!! All I want to do is eat. It's driving me crazy.

*~* We are officially a one-car family at the moment. We tried to fix the water pump on James's car (about 3 weeks ago), but in the process of fixing that, we messed up the timing on it... spent two weeks taking it all apart and putting it back together again, TWICE, to try and fix the timing... finally yesterday a mechanic looked at it and fixed it real quick. Today, James left for work, drove about 15-20 minutes, and the car overheated and died. *sigh* Poor little guy had to walk 2 hours to get home. The car is currently waiting for us at a local gas station... after work, we'll drive it home in spurts. (Drive a little, stop to let the car cool down... repeat until home)

*~* I'm wearing a hat today!!!! On anyone else, the hat would make them look like a scary hoodlim, but on me it kinda makes me look like an elf. It's hard to look threatening with a cute wittle nose. Regardless, hats make me happy and I am overjoyed to be wearing mine. :)

*~* I'm currently obsessing about foreign languages, and may start reading blogs in Spanish just for fun. Anyone know a good site to find e-mail penpals?

*~* I feel like all of my life is spent working, and I'm contemplating declaring next week to be a "fun art week" where I'm not allowed to make any vases or ornaments. Those are starting to feel A LOT like work, instead of something fun that I can pour myself into.

*~* Today is day #9 without happy pills, and guess what? I'm doing just fine. I've had some close calls... almost yelled at James yesterday, but caught myself... reminded myself to pause, relax, and think before I reacted... almost cried at work yesterday, but did the same thing. So far, so good. The main thing I'm noticing so far, is that without happy pills i will need a lot more time to myself. I need "me time" to recharge myself a LOT more without happy pills.

*~*I feel really overwhelmed by how much other people need me right now... but that could just be because right now EVERYONE is needing me. Two people want to claim me every Saturday to be their exclusive friend for that time. I REALLY need time to myself, so I have to figure out a way to tell everyone that. I need a break. It's not that I don't want friends, or don't want to spend time with friends... but my garden is getting all weedy, I haven't had time to plant the beans I wanted too, more poison ivy is sprouting, and I'm going crazy!

Crumbling

Since the incident at work last week, I've felt out of control... and through the weekend, it got worse instead of better. Insomnia, mood swings, depression... I feel like my mental health is crumbling, and I'm not sure what to do about it... I need to rest, but when I lay down my mind spins wildly trying to figure out a solution to this mess. Even happy pills are not helping. I feel beyond overwhelmed.

In happier news, I DID get a mad burst of energy Saturday night, and set to work getting all kinds of supplies ready for my collaged ornaments I want to make and sell this Christmas. To make them, I cut interesting pictures from magazines and glue them to a plain ornament.... so this weekend, I cut out a HUGE pile of pictures!! I got some great ideas for new sets of ornaments, so hopefully I'll have pics of some new ornaments up on my blog later this week!

The Endo Journey

Well, I have a million happy things to write about on here, but the pictures that go with these things are all on my computer at home. And I am still at work. Soooo... expect a funner post later tonight! :)

For now, I'm gonna blog on here a sec about endometriosis.

MedlinePlus says:

Endometriosis is a problem affecting a woman's uterus - the place where a baby grows when she's pregnant. Endometriosis is when the kind of tissue that normally lines the uterus grows somewhere else. It can grow on the ovaries, behind the uterus or on the bowels or bladder. Rarely, it grows in other parts of the body. This "misplaced" tissue can cause pain, infertility and very heavy periods. The pain is usually in the abdomen, lower back or pelvic areas.

For me:

Young teen - I had crazy-heavy periods, with a ton of pain. As I got older the bleeding wasn't as heavy, and I learned that taking Aleve at certain times helped with the pain.

Age 17 - I went to the doctor with severe pain. The doctor said I had IBS, told me to take a warm bath, and sent me home.

Age 18 - Symtoms were still there at random intervals... one day, when they were especially bad, I went to the ER. The pap smear hurt so bad that the nurse cried WITH me. The doctor? He just said I might have a cervical infection that just wasn't showing up on their tests. He told me to make an appointment with my family doctor.

Age 18 - Sent to first GYN. His verdict? Nothing was wrong. (Loser piece of crap doctor!)

Age 20 - Went to ER in Chicago. sent to GYN #2

Age 20 - Went to GYN in Chicago. Said it was "all in my head."

I gave up... maybe it was just all in my head. Maybe I was just dysfunctional, and there really wasn't anything wrong with my body. I gave up on finding out on what was wrong, or getting a cure... and just learned to live with the pain. Maybe it was just IBS...

And then, I had sex. And it HURT LIKE HADES!!! Not like the first-time-with-a-man pain... Like "OMG you just rubbed salt in my wound repeatedly" level of pain. And I have a high pain tolerance!

So here I am today... newly married, and unable to enjoy sex with my husband. The new doctor diagnosed me with endometriosis, and put me on birth control pills....

Since starting the birth control pills, I have noticed that I have pretty much every possible side effect listed on the box. Nausea, mood swings, tiredness, as well as tenderness in... well... every part of my body that gives even remotely pleasureable sensations. And the doctor says there is no other birth control that will work better, except Depo... and it's effects last for THREE MONTHS!!!

I have two books about Endo out from the library... I'm reading up on all the ways to treat Endo through nutrition, medication, holistic stuff... even how to deal with the sex issue. (Which, BTW, has me feeling like absolute crap. What kind of wife am I? Every time my hubby touches me, I wince. Since I got on the pill, EVERYTHING hurts! THIS IS NOT WHAT MARRIED LIFE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!!!!!)

I'm fighting depression, from the hormones, the adjustment to marriage, and life in general... and today, life is just hard. But I have books to help me... I'm sure there are others out there blogging who have Endo too... they have support groups... I just need to reach out, and see what I find.

There's no where else to go from here, but UP!!!! :)

Wednesday Wanderings

Repression. I think that's what I'm feeling at the moment. I've been trying to figure it out all day... I'm not sure what the feeling is that I've felt this week, but repression is probably it. I think my mind is just afraid to deal with everything at the moment... the holidays, and all that comes with it... missing my dad... and so on. So tonight I've decided to make it a goal this week to give myself time to feel. With all the running, entertaining, and so forth this week, I haven't had much time for myself. But now that the hustle has bustled, the house has been cleaned, (except my room, which still is a bit frightening but not nearly as bad), and everything is better... I have to stop, and look at what's going on inside me.

• Fear... my roomate has offered to sell me her house, and me just take over the loan and the deed. James will help me renovate it, and we'll have fun in the process. But I don't know ANYTHING about getting a loan, a mortgage, or that kind of stuff. I'm so scared. And she wants to move so soon, I can't wait forever to make the decision.
• Fear... because James is a big risk... because I don't know if it's faith I have in him, or just stupidity... because I want a forever kind of marriage... because I want all that God has for my life... because I can't trust myself to make the right decision.
• Fear... because I feel like I have no one to turn to so many times in my life. I feel so very alone in the practical things in my life. How a person gets a loan, how a person buys & sells a home, and how to do this whole relationship thing....
• Fear... because the decisions I'm making will change my life FOREVER. If I make the wrong choice, the consequences will follow me the rest of my life. If I don't make the right choice, I'll miss out on so much!! I WANT IT ALL! lol

Hmmm... that reminds me... what do I want?

• Love - I want love in my life. Love to give to others & the strength to give it. Love to give to friends, to family, and to those who are hurting. I want to receive love too.
• Adventure - I don't want my life to ever get boring! I always want to be trying crazy new stuff! Going new places! Doing nutty things "just cause I can"!
• Legacy - I want my life to impact the lives around me. I want my life to give others the hope, help, and resources they need to change their lives.
• Spiritual stuff - I'm honestly not sure where I want this to go. I believe that God wants to give us more spiritual stuff. And when I say spiritual stuff, I mean things like... annointing (the power of God added to your life)... discernment (God telling you stuff you couldn't otherwise know)... love beyond human love... but I also believe you have to want & ask for these kinds of things, and I'm not sure what I want to ask for. I'm afraid of my spiritual potential. (I'm afraid of my spiritual potential... I need to analyze that later. Hmm.)
• Healing - I want to continue to heal from the past, and I want to help others to heal as well. That's REALLY deeply important to me...
• Teaching - I live and breathe to teach. It doesn't even matter what I'm teaching... I just love to teach. Taxes, crocheting, foreign languages, Bible lessons, it doesn't matter... I love to teach! I always want to have something that I can teach to others.
• Growing - I always want to be more each day than I was the day before. I want to learn to excel at what I do. I don't want to become stuck in a rut! I want my inner woman to keep reaching for the stars!!!!

Categories: James, Life, Depression, Fear, Love, Healing, Spiritual, Dreams