I'm going to blog. I need a break from paper-writing for a few.
So, what's new in all of your lives? For me...
IT'S GARDEN TIME! Inspired by a post at Robyn's blog, I will tell you a little about my garden adventures. Unfortunately, since it is dark, this post will not have visual aids. *sniffle* I'm sure my camera would take some interesting pics with the flash, but it would just not be the same.
So, what have i planted so far? Welll.... of the things that I've planted, the following have emerged from the ground:
Broccoli, Brussel sprouts, collard greens, mustard greens, lettuce, 3 types of onions, and chives.
The following are also planted:
Leeks, snap peas, spinach mustard geens, cauliflawr (you know, I just typed that word like 5 different ways and none look right... whatever. It can just stay wrong.), another type of lettuce, dill, cilantro, parsley, lemon basil, and savory.
OH! And for the first time EVER, I have sweet peas growing in the yard! I have successfully killed them the past 2 or three summers... but this year, they are STILL ALIVE! Wooooooo!!!!
Also, since it is garden time, do you all remember what this means?
POISON IVY.
We've brought the doggie inside, and of course any time I let her out to play, she gets into the ivy. We're working as fast as possible to get all of the ivy out of our yard, but it is not going so well. I HAVE cleared off a must bigger portion of the ground than last year, and at a much earlier part of the year. In fact, part of it is cleared enough that once hubby puts the debris in a bag (he's not allergic... douchebag.), I may even plant some carrots there. I've not only cleared the ground, I've even used the hoe to dig the ground up and get the roots out. In all honesty though, I started clearing this patch of ground last year, so it should definately be more clear lol.
In other news, my pastor has challenged us to not think or speak negative things... we are even supposed to keep a container in our house, to put a quarter in each time we say something negative.
I just put a quarter in for calling my husband a douchebag earlier in this post...
It was WELL worth it. :o)
Showing posts with label Spiritual. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spiritual. Show all posts
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Stepping Out
Today as I chatted with Alison, trying to figure out what to do about a friend (we'll call her "Friend X") who is completely and utterly screwing up her own life and the life of her child, I came to a realization:
Before I confront Friend X about her malfunction... I really need to get my own crap together!
I'm complaining because my friend is trapping herself in her bad situation, and not helping herself find a way out... but am I doing the same thing? Time to take inventory of some areas of my life, and the next steps to improve.
FINANCIAL:
This has by far always been the weakest area of my life. I won't go into how bad it's been, but lets just say some dramatic action is needed in order to pay back some medical and educational bills of the past.
My next step: Get a calendar to put next to my computer. Whenever a bill comes into my house, write this bill on the calendar. This will help me get organized, and avoid late fees. After this, make an income and expenses comparison, and see what can be cut or lessened from the expenses side. After this, make a specific plan for what bills will be paid off in what order.
EDUCATIONAL:
I'm really doing pretty well in this area, but have been frustrated by my lack of organization.
My next step: I think I need to make a to-do list at the end of each class day, (I only have classes Tues and Thurs), saying what assignments need to be done before the next week and the deadline. I'll put this next to my computer, and mark off assignments as they are finished.
PHYSICAL:
This is improving, or was. I really enjoyed our time as vegetarians, but we've went back to the old ways of eating far more than we should have.
My next step: Keep buying and using vegetables in every meal I cook. Try to use minimal meat.
SPIRITUAL:
This is still rocky, but improving.
My next step: Find a good time to pray, and pray daily.
SOCIAL:
My house is staying mostly clean, which makes it MUCH easier to have people over now... but I still generally stay home, alone. I honestly don't know what goals I want to have in this area. I have been making more friends, I have been working at creating and maintaining healthy friendships, and have been cutting off "dead weight" friendships that are not healthy for me.
My next step: Write a letter to Friend X, explaining why I am avoiding her. Be gentle, but very very blunt.
Another goal that I'm considering, which is not really related to this list, is to blog more about some of the topics I'm learning about in my Social Work class. We're just finishing a chapter discussing poverty that I found quite offensive, and would love to chat about it... perhaps by blogging sometimes about these types of issues, I'll remember to keep my blog updated!
Before I confront Friend X about her malfunction... I really need to get my own crap together!
I'm complaining because my friend is trapping herself in her bad situation, and not helping herself find a way out... but am I doing the same thing? Time to take inventory of some areas of my life, and the next steps to improve.
FINANCIAL:
This has by far always been the weakest area of my life. I won't go into how bad it's been, but lets just say some dramatic action is needed in order to pay back some medical and educational bills of the past.
My next step: Get a calendar to put next to my computer. Whenever a bill comes into my house, write this bill on the calendar. This will help me get organized, and avoid late fees. After this, make an income and expenses comparison, and see what can be cut or lessened from the expenses side. After this, make a specific plan for what bills will be paid off in what order.
EDUCATIONAL:
I'm really doing pretty well in this area, but have been frustrated by my lack of organization.
My next step: I think I need to make a to-do list at the end of each class day, (I only have classes Tues and Thurs), saying what assignments need to be done before the next week and the deadline. I'll put this next to my computer, and mark off assignments as they are finished.
PHYSICAL:
This is improving, or was. I really enjoyed our time as vegetarians, but we've went back to the old ways of eating far more than we should have.
My next step: Keep buying and using vegetables in every meal I cook. Try to use minimal meat.
SPIRITUAL:
This is still rocky, but improving.
My next step: Find a good time to pray, and pray daily.
SOCIAL:
My house is staying mostly clean, which makes it MUCH easier to have people over now... but I still generally stay home, alone. I honestly don't know what goals I want to have in this area. I have been making more friends, I have been working at creating and maintaining healthy friendships, and have been cutting off "dead weight" friendships that are not healthy for me.
My next step: Write a letter to Friend X, explaining why I am avoiding her. Be gentle, but very very blunt.
Another goal that I'm considering, which is not really related to this list, is to blog more about some of the topics I'm learning about in my Social Work class. We're just finishing a chapter discussing poverty that I found quite offensive, and would love to chat about it... perhaps by blogging sometimes about these types of issues, I'll remember to keep my blog updated!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Stretching
This is a big month here in Jana-Land... so much change and growth going on!! My poor stomach is in knots, but it'll all be worth it in the end.
I started my classes today, and they are as different as night and day! The first one is an honors course... minimal rules in the 2-page syllabus, attendance is optional since we are adults responsible for our own fates, blah blah blah... (I LOVE this class and think this professor is gonna be amazing! Hard as heck, perhaps, but worth it!) Everyone in that class is white except one international student, about half are the preppy-with-money types, and I was the only older student... Class #2 is for my major, and had a 28 page syllabus. Attendance is mandatory, each assignment must be turned in or you fail the class, blah blah blah... each rule was explained IN DEPTH from the sylabus, and she talked to us like we had terminal stupidity. 80% of this class is black, almost all of us are poorer, and there were 4 older students in the class. It was... painful. I really despise being talked down to and expected to suck and cause trouble. Oh well, I really feel like I'll learn a lot from this class, so it's worth it.
I'm trying to make healthy friendships... and it is not going well. I'm so desperate for friends, I find myself cracking at the first sign that they might not like me, and falling back into the whole codependant please-need-me-so-I-know-you-won't-leave pattern. Most recently, my hubby and I took a foreign student to our family holidays over the break (wierdly enough she was only a few years younger than me), because she wasn't able to go home. She came to Christmas, New Years, and to see my sis-in-laws baby... and then after seeing my sis-in-law with me, began kinda brushing me off... not wanting to go to things, not texting back, etc... Needless to say, I feel very hurt. I probably shouldn't yet... I mean, maybe she's just busy or whatever. But friendships make you vulnerable, and this is scary terrain for me.
I'm still not hanging out with the friend who screwed me over at Christmas. We talked about the holiday screw-over, (the lie part actually, which she explained she didn't mean the way it came out in text, and she wasn't lying... she really did think there was a storm, and just was going to use it for her own gain. I believe her, but she still sucks for taking advantage of my ability to drive, and using it as a way to avoid becoming independant.) but I'm just not really up to being screwed over again yet. I'll give it a month or so... maybe take her kiddo out on a Jana & kid dinner date or something so the kid doesn't feel abandoned. Not really caring if the "friend" feels abandoned. *shrug* That's better than me going around her, and then cracking in anger because I'm not calmed down at her yet lol
The vegetarian thing is going well! Tonight - Thursday will be James's days to cook, which is a nice break for me. Tonight he made chili w/o meat, and it was EXCELLENT! Maybe he'll give us his recipe on here? I'm feeling full but without such a heavy feeling in my stomach each time I eat. It's very different!
Last night... *dramatic pause*... I excercised! I did a salsa dance, and it felt really good!
I'm getting the mic & sound on my computer fixed (the mic has been broke for like... since I got the computer.), so I'll be able to study languages again online!! Very excited about that.
And spiritually... God and I are chatting more, and I'm very happy about that.
So lots of growth going on here... lots of change... scary as hell I gotta tell you. My nerves are on edge, and I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster sometimes... with the excitement, nervousness, and fear of all the change and growth... but it'll be worth it all in the end, right?
I started my classes today, and they are as different as night and day! The first one is an honors course... minimal rules in the 2-page syllabus, attendance is optional since we are adults responsible for our own fates, blah blah blah... (I LOVE this class and think this professor is gonna be amazing! Hard as heck, perhaps, but worth it!) Everyone in that class is white except one international student, about half are the preppy-with-money types, and I was the only older student... Class #2 is for my major, and had a 28 page syllabus. Attendance is mandatory, each assignment must be turned in or you fail the class, blah blah blah... each rule was explained IN DEPTH from the sylabus, and she talked to us like we had terminal stupidity. 80% of this class is black, almost all of us are poorer, and there were 4 older students in the class. It was... painful. I really despise being talked down to and expected to suck and cause trouble. Oh well, I really feel like I'll learn a lot from this class, so it's worth it.
I'm trying to make healthy friendships... and it is not going well. I'm so desperate for friends, I find myself cracking at the first sign that they might not like me, and falling back into the whole codependant please-need-me-so-I-know-you-won't-leave pattern. Most recently, my hubby and I took a foreign student to our family holidays over the break (wierdly enough she was only a few years younger than me), because she wasn't able to go home. She came to Christmas, New Years, and to see my sis-in-laws baby... and then after seeing my sis-in-law with me, began kinda brushing me off... not wanting to go to things, not texting back, etc... Needless to say, I feel very hurt. I probably shouldn't yet... I mean, maybe she's just busy or whatever. But friendships make you vulnerable, and this is scary terrain for me.
I'm still not hanging out with the friend who screwed me over at Christmas. We talked about the holiday screw-over, (the lie part actually, which she explained she didn't mean the way it came out in text, and she wasn't lying... she really did think there was a storm, and just was going to use it for her own gain. I believe her, but she still sucks for taking advantage of my ability to drive, and using it as a way to avoid becoming independant.) but I'm just not really up to being screwed over again yet. I'll give it a month or so... maybe take her kiddo out on a Jana & kid dinner date or something so the kid doesn't feel abandoned. Not really caring if the "friend" feels abandoned. *shrug* That's better than me going around her, and then cracking in anger because I'm not calmed down at her yet lol
The vegetarian thing is going well! Tonight - Thursday will be James's days to cook, which is a nice break for me. Tonight he made chili w/o meat, and it was EXCELLENT! Maybe he'll give us his recipe on here? I'm feeling full but without such a heavy feeling in my stomach each time I eat. It's very different!
Last night... *dramatic pause*... I excercised! I did a salsa dance, and it felt really good!
I'm getting the mic & sound on my computer fixed (the mic has been broke for like... since I got the computer.), so I'll be able to study languages again online!! Very excited about that.
And spiritually... God and I are chatting more, and I'm very happy about that.
So lots of growth going on here... lots of change... scary as hell I gotta tell you. My nerves are on edge, and I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster sometimes... with the excitement, nervousness, and fear of all the change and growth... but it'll be worth it all in the end, right?
Thursday, October 30, 2008
GOAL!
Today I've been looking over my list of 101 Things in 1001 Days, and checking out my progress. A few that I completed at least part of:
6. Crochet 2 garments for myself (a sweater, skirt, etc... something big) (0/2) - White shrug finished in September
32. Take one dance class or buy another dance video - Finished Cha-Cha classes 10/28 (By the way, these were SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fun!!!!!! We've already signed up for another class next month, East Coast Swing!)
78. Make a budget - Done 10/3 (For all the good it did us... with the job changes, that did NOT go well!)
A few that I've made progress on:
1. Read the entire Bible - On Deuteronomy 22
2. Memorize one scripture from each book in the Bible (3/52) - Genesis 1:1, Exodus 14:14, Leviticus 26:13
30. Complete Spanish the Easy Way - On Chapter 21 (I was on 20 when I started back at it... slow progress, but better than nothing!)
42. Make and keep one e-mail penpal for at least 6 months - Started chatting on Oct 23 (And in Spanish, even!!!! Does this make up for my lack of progress on #30? lol)
45. Go to 10 community events (for fun, not business) (2/10) Farmers Market, Asian Cooking Class, (I haven't been to either of these in over a month, but they are both excellent things to do.)
So, yeah. I feel like a bit of a loser for not doing more, but I have had a lot of other things going on in the meantime.
In other news, my work is going better... James's schedule for work may be changing yet again (we'll see) now that one member of management there has been suspended w/o pay after being arrested with marijuana, and another was fired today for sexual harassment... I'm loving dance classes and life in general... looking forward to Halloween weekend at Kim's house, which is always an adventure lol.
Okay, I'm off to bed now... love to you all, and apologies for not bloghopping at the moment... sooner or later I'll get back in the swing of this!
6. Crochet 2 garments for myself (a sweater, skirt, etc... something big) (0/2) - White shrug finished in September
32. Take one dance class or buy another dance video - Finished Cha-Cha classes 10/28 (By the way, these were SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fun!!!!!! We've already signed up for another class next month, East Coast Swing!)
78. Make a budget - Done 10/3 (For all the good it did us... with the job changes, that did NOT go well!)
A few that I've made progress on:
1. Read the entire Bible - On Deuteronomy 22
2. Memorize one scripture from each book in the Bible (3/52) - Genesis 1:1, Exodus 14:14, Leviticus 26:13
30. Complete Spanish the Easy Way - On Chapter 21 (I was on 20 when I started back at it... slow progress, but better than nothing!)
42. Make and keep one e-mail penpal for at least 6 months - Started chatting on Oct 23 (And in Spanish, even!!!! Does this make up for my lack of progress on #30? lol)
45. Go to 10 community events (for fun, not business) (2/10) Farmers Market, Asian Cooking Class, (I haven't been to either of these in over a month, but they are both excellent things to do.)
So, yeah. I feel like a bit of a loser for not doing more, but I have had a lot of other things going on in the meantime.
In other news, my work is going better... James's schedule for work may be changing yet again (we'll see) now that one member of management there has been suspended w/o pay after being arrested with marijuana, and another was fired today for sexual harassment... I'm loving dance classes and life in general... looking forward to Halloween weekend at Kim's house, which is always an adventure lol.
Okay, I'm off to bed now... love to you all, and apologies for not bloghopping at the moment... sooner or later I'll get back in the swing of this!
Friday, August 29, 2008
Week in Review 8/29
Jen always does a Week in Review, and it looked kinda fun. Here's my week.
Saturday:
*Bought 1/2 lb jalapanos & 1 bunch of cilantro for salsa - $1.23
*Stayed at Kim's house, randomly crafted, watched The Mist. (Not bad at all! Wierd, but cool.)
Sunday:
*Went to church with Kim & Jakey. Our church is fasting in September, so she decided that she and I were going to fast pop. I was very impressed, and am now drinking Diet Coke like crazy while I still can. lol
*Watched Halloween - Curse of Michael Myers (Really good!!!!) and Halloween - Resurrection (OMW. SO. STUPID. Didn't even finish the movie.)
*Sewed pieces of fabric together for future quilted bibs.
*Went to evening service at church with James, and then grabbed Mexican food... Carne Verde = Heaven. Seriously... so yummy. Also was almost brave enough to speak to the waiter in Spanish. Almost. (No idea why I have a phobia of speaking Spanish to waiters... *shrug*)
Monday:
*Watched Star Wars - Episode 1 with James while crafting.
*Learned a new crochet stitch called the Open Ridge Stitch. This is the front:
This is the back:
I really liked that stitch, and will probably make a few more things out of it.
Tuesday:
*Watched Star Wars - Episode 2 with my hubby while randomly crafting. Cut out some pics from magazines, sewed some more quilt pieces together.
*Made Salsa, and it didn't suck!!!!! Woooooooooo!!!!
Wednesday:
*James made a pie, and out of his deep love for me, saved me raw pie dough to eat. I love that man!
*Mother in law and Aunt Clara were both put in the hospital. While in the waiting room, we got a call from Andrea and Sherwood (who we haven't chatted with in over a month) to say that their pastor had been in a car accident and they wanted us to pray. On our way to exit the hospital, we ran into Brittany & Phillip, who I haven't seen since January. Brit was in the ER after falling in the shower, hitting the sink, the sink cracking off the wall, and Brit possibly breaking/fracturing her back. We gave hugs to their kiddos (Gracie is 3 now, and was going to come home with us but got scared at the last minute. Hannah is 9 months old and SO CHUBBY!!! And all kinds of cute brown hair.) and gave them out new phone number. Altogether the weirdest night we've had in ages.
*Learned a new crochet stitch called the Alternate Puff Stitch. Not my favorite stitch, and I've decided I hate this yarn right now.
Thursday:
*Wierdness continues as the neighbor stops by to introduce herself and give us Avon books. (I forgot to tell her that you were my personal Avon rep Leti. Oops. Which reminds me... any Imari on sale?) She stayed a while, and came back later to bring her daughter over. She (the daughter) is in Pre-Algebra and needing help, and I rock as a pre-algebra tutor, so... that's awesome. She is kinda goth, wants to be a coroner, and may be able to get me permission to go with her to see an autopsy!!! HOLY CRAP!!!!!! I love my life.
*Watched Star Wars - Episode 3 for the first time, in between neighbor visits. Anni goes evil, Padme dies, and even Yoda is injured? I have a love/hate relationship with that movie.
*Sewed together the pieces I'd been putting together all week to form the quilt blocks. This is my fave design...
These are an old design that I am still attached to. It was so much easier to do these this time...
I love the design of these but HATE how they turned out. Going to try it with different material this time and going to be careful NOT to accidently hit the needle placement over to the left while sewing these. *sigh*
Love this design!
Friday:
*Off work early! Went to the thrift store and bought shirts for me and some baby clothes for K-boy.
*Watched Michelle Obama's speech at the Democratic Convention... WOW. I'm speechless.
*Realized how much more fabric I already have cut out to piece together. Go me!
Saturday:
*Bought 1/2 lb jalapanos & 1 bunch of cilantro for salsa - $1.23
*Stayed at Kim's house, randomly crafted, watched The Mist. (Not bad at all! Wierd, but cool.)
Sunday:
*Went to church with Kim & Jakey. Our church is fasting in September, so she decided that she and I were going to fast pop. I was very impressed, and am now drinking Diet Coke like crazy while I still can. lol
*Watched Halloween - Curse of Michael Myers (Really good!!!!) and Halloween - Resurrection (OMW. SO. STUPID. Didn't even finish the movie.)
*Sewed pieces of fabric together for future quilted bibs.
*Went to evening service at church with James, and then grabbed Mexican food... Carne Verde = Heaven. Seriously... so yummy. Also was almost brave enough to speak to the waiter in Spanish. Almost. (No idea why I have a phobia of speaking Spanish to waiters... *shrug*)
Monday:
*Watched Star Wars - Episode 1 with James while crafting.
*Learned a new crochet stitch called the Open Ridge Stitch. This is the front:
This is the back:I really liked that stitch, and will probably make a few more things out of it. Tuesday:
*Watched Star Wars - Episode 2 with my hubby while randomly crafting. Cut out some pics from magazines, sewed some more quilt pieces together.
*Made Salsa, and it didn't suck!!!!! Woooooooooo!!!!
Wednesday:
*James made a pie, and out of his deep love for me, saved me raw pie dough to eat. I love that man!
*Mother in law and Aunt Clara were both put in the hospital. While in the waiting room, we got a call from Andrea and Sherwood (who we haven't chatted with in over a month) to say that their pastor had been in a car accident and they wanted us to pray. On our way to exit the hospital, we ran into Brittany & Phillip, who I haven't seen since January. Brit was in the ER after falling in the shower, hitting the sink, the sink cracking off the wall, and Brit possibly breaking/fracturing her back. We gave hugs to their kiddos (Gracie is 3 now, and was going to come home with us but got scared at the last minute. Hannah is 9 months old and SO CHUBBY!!! And all kinds of cute brown hair.) and gave them out new phone number. Altogether the weirdest night we've had in ages.
*Learned a new crochet stitch called the Alternate Puff Stitch. Not my favorite stitch, and I've decided I hate this yarn right now.
Thursday:
*Wierdness continues as the neighbor stops by to introduce herself and give us Avon books. (I forgot to tell her that you were my personal Avon rep Leti. Oops. Which reminds me... any Imari on sale?) She stayed a while, and came back later to bring her daughter over. She (the daughter) is in Pre-Algebra and needing help, and I rock as a pre-algebra tutor, so... that's awesome. She is kinda goth, wants to be a coroner, and may be able to get me permission to go with her to see an autopsy!!! HOLY CRAP!!!!!! I love my life.
*Watched Star Wars - Episode 3 for the first time, in between neighbor visits. Anni goes evil, Padme dies, and even Yoda is injured? I have a love/hate relationship with that movie.
*Sewed together the pieces I'd been putting together all week to form the quilt blocks. This is my fave design...
These are an old design that I am still attached to. It was so much easier to do these this time...
I love the design of these but HATE how they turned out. Going to try it with different material this time and going to be careful NOT to accidently hit the needle placement over to the left while sewing these. *sigh*
Love this design!Friday:*Off work early! Went to the thrift store and bought shirts for me and some baby clothes for K-boy.
*Watched Michelle Obama's speech at the Democratic Convention... WOW. I'm speechless.
*Realized how much more fabric I already have cut out to piece together. Go me!
How was YOUR week?
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Mothers & Mentors and Me, Oh My!
(Hehe, don't you love my catchy title?)
I have blogged before about the fantasy worlds I spin for myself, but I've never told you how these fantasies end. Alaways, the "victim" is rescued. Always, I am loved and treasured. And after all of this is done... I myself am rescued. A maternal figure sees that I have no one to teach me, or that the weight is too much for me to bear alone, and this person reaches out to me. I am rescued, I am saved.
The first part of this fantasy is played out almost constantly in my life. I have a scary knack for attracting people in need of a good "rescue." I help them clean their houses. I drive them places. I invest my time, energy, and emotions in them. Then I wait for my rescue... and I wait.... and I wait... and I wait.
My rescuer does not arrive. Blood-sucking leeches come in droves to suck me dry, but rescuers? Nope... not a one.
I don't know when it happened, but I seem to have stopped wanting a mentor to step into my life, and started to wish for a rescuer. Rescuers are so much easier... they see you at your worst, pick you up, and help you back onto your feet. They require no commitment, no attachment... they supply what you need, and move on. Mentors require accountability... and I feel like they expect instant change sometimes. I am not an instant change-to-please kind of a person... so I rarely keep mentors. I also feel like I need to hide from accountability... like if I am honest, I will be rejected by the mentor. I'm just really not a good "mentoree."
I consider myself unworth of mentors. I find myself longing for mentors in two main areas of my life: feminine things (self-care, beauty, clothes, etc.) and spiritual things. I tell myself that I don't deserve a mentor, that I care about myself too little, that people think I'm too plain or too ugly, and why would anyone think I'm worth helping? Spiritually, I tell myself that all anyone sees is how badly I've fallen... everyone sees me as unstable, flighty, uncommitted... and who wants to help someone like that?
This is really rambly, but I've realized that I may be looking to "rescue" others in the hope of earning rescue myself. This is unfair both to the person I'm rescuing, and to me. After a while of rescuing, I begin to feel resentful that I am not appreciated. I feel angry I'm still unworthy of rescue myself. I ask myself what I do to deserve rescue so much less than the people I've rescued. I ask where my help is.
I don't have answers to that. These two areas are the hardest for others to help with from online... Yes, help can be given... I picked up a copy of What Not To Wear (which is NOT like the show here in the USA, where they insult and ridicule you as they toss out your old clothes along with your self-esteem...) that Suzie recommended a while back, and it is helping SO MUCH. (BTW, Suzie, did you know they have a website??) Sometimes though, it'd be nice to ask a real live person to help me pick out an outfit that would flatter my body and match my style. And on the spiritual subject? I don't even know. Honestly, I just don't even know what to do about that. I think my spiritual life would be better with a mentor, but maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe I'm just so busy critizing myself for sucking, that no one can be a mentor to me. Maybe I'm supposed to find my own path, and that's why I don't attract mentors. Who knows. *shrug*
In the meantime I'm going to go shave my toes and trim my nails, and get ready to go to church. I can't force people to mentor me... but I can do the best that I can for my own self, and see what I accomplish!
I have blogged before about the fantasy worlds I spin for myself, but I've never told you how these fantasies end. Alaways, the "victim" is rescued. Always, I am loved and treasured. And after all of this is done... I myself am rescued. A maternal figure sees that I have no one to teach me, or that the weight is too much for me to bear alone, and this person reaches out to me. I am rescued, I am saved.
The first part of this fantasy is played out almost constantly in my life. I have a scary knack for attracting people in need of a good "rescue." I help them clean their houses. I drive them places. I invest my time, energy, and emotions in them. Then I wait for my rescue... and I wait.... and I wait... and I wait.
My rescuer does not arrive. Blood-sucking leeches come in droves to suck me dry, but rescuers? Nope... not a one.
I don't know when it happened, but I seem to have stopped wanting a mentor to step into my life, and started to wish for a rescuer. Rescuers are so much easier... they see you at your worst, pick you up, and help you back onto your feet. They require no commitment, no attachment... they supply what you need, and move on. Mentors require accountability... and I feel like they expect instant change sometimes. I am not an instant change-to-please kind of a person... so I rarely keep mentors. I also feel like I need to hide from accountability... like if I am honest, I will be rejected by the mentor. I'm just really not a good "mentoree."
I consider myself unworth of mentors. I find myself longing for mentors in two main areas of my life: feminine things (self-care, beauty, clothes, etc.) and spiritual things. I tell myself that I don't deserve a mentor, that I care about myself too little, that people think I'm too plain or too ugly, and why would anyone think I'm worth helping? Spiritually, I tell myself that all anyone sees is how badly I've fallen... everyone sees me as unstable, flighty, uncommitted... and who wants to help someone like that?
This is really rambly, but I've realized that I may be looking to "rescue" others in the hope of earning rescue myself. This is unfair both to the person I'm rescuing, and to me. After a while of rescuing, I begin to feel resentful that I am not appreciated. I feel angry I'm still unworthy of rescue myself. I ask myself what I do to deserve rescue so much less than the people I've rescued. I ask where my help is.
I don't have answers to that. These two areas are the hardest for others to help with from online... Yes, help can be given... I picked up a copy of What Not To Wear (which is NOT like the show here in the USA, where they insult and ridicule you as they toss out your old clothes along with your self-esteem...) that Suzie recommended a while back, and it is helping SO MUCH. (BTW, Suzie, did you know they have a website??) Sometimes though, it'd be nice to ask a real live person to help me pick out an outfit that would flatter my body and match my style. And on the spiritual subject? I don't even know. Honestly, I just don't even know what to do about that. I think my spiritual life would be better with a mentor, but maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe I'm just so busy critizing myself for sucking, that no one can be a mentor to me. Maybe I'm supposed to find my own path, and that's why I don't attract mentors. Who knows. *shrug*
In the meantime I'm going to go shave my toes and trim my nails, and get ready to go to church. I can't force people to mentor me... but I can do the best that I can for my own self, and see what I accomplish!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Updates
Since I've been so anti-social lately, I thought you all deserved an update or two on my life.
Medical crap:
The poison ivy is 90% healed!!!!!! Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No baby so far, although we had another small hope... I had some SEVERE vertigo a couple of weeks ago, which my Sis-in-law is having with her pregnancy... but I just had an inner ear infection that I didn't know about. Soooooooo... not only am I not prego, I am also sick with the ear infection and now it's cousin the sinus infection. Yes, I know that sounds whiney. Whine whine whine... I hate being sick!
Artsy crap:
I have been crocheting like crazy, and hope to have enough stuff done to buy a booth at a nearby shop by the end of August if not before. Here is my most recent design:
That one is tiny, I will probably donate it to a NICU somewhere. He also has some "brothers" here:
And soon will come the fun bibs... the goth and the gender-neutral!!!!! WOOO HOOOOOOO!!! Serious funage.
Renovation crap:
This weekend is our scheduled time for ripping out the bathroom floor and replacing it, and while the guys have the floor out I am going down under the house to re-do three sections of plumbing. We have to insulate the plumbing in the back areas, replace a leak, unplug the piping under the tub, and so on and so forth.
Life crap:
Now that I have this post started, I really don't have much to say. We've been watching movies like crazy, I'm getting re-acquainted with my inner feminist, James cooked dinner today, sex is awesome, and life is just pleasantly coasting along. In less than a week we will be on some kind of vacation... not sure where we're going yet, we'll have to figure it up once the repairs to the bathroom are done and we see how many pennies we can scrounge lol We'd LOVE to go to Mammoth Caves in KY to hike, but most likely we'll be broke and have to pack up a little tent to camp at one of the nearby state parks. Either way... life rocks.
Spiritual crap:
I've been told that good Christians don't talk about sex. I'm contemplating talking about sex in every post for a while, just out of spite and annoyance. SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX!!!!!!!! *sticking tongue out* In happier spiritual news, we've been going to a prophecy class at our church and wierdly enough I'm thinking it kinda rocks. We've also been reading a Bible chapter every night (freaky, eh? I'm becoming all kinds of fanatical...) and I plan to post random fun scriptural learning on my faith blog soon. For the moment, feel free to read and be inspired by this verse: Leviticus 19:14 Well! There go my evening plans. *deep sigh of sadness* (Yes, all spiritual writings of mine will probably contain this amount of sarcasm and dry humor.)
So anyway... since I've not only been not blogging, I've been not blog-hopping... my question for the day is:
What's new in YOUR life? Have I missed anything?
Medical crap:
The poison ivy is 90% healed!!!!!! Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No baby so far, although we had another small hope... I had some SEVERE vertigo a couple of weeks ago, which my Sis-in-law is having with her pregnancy... but I just had an inner ear infection that I didn't know about. Soooooooo... not only am I not prego, I am also sick with the ear infection and now it's cousin the sinus infection. Yes, I know that sounds whiney. Whine whine whine... I hate being sick!
Artsy crap:
I have been crocheting like crazy, and hope to have enough stuff done to buy a booth at a nearby shop by the end of August if not before. Here is my most recent design:
That one is tiny, I will probably donate it to a NICU somewhere. He also has some "brothers" here:
And soon will come the fun bibs... the goth and the gender-neutral!!!!! WOOO HOOOOOOO!!! Serious funage. Renovation crap:
This weekend is our scheduled time for ripping out the bathroom floor and replacing it, and while the guys have the floor out I am going down under the house to re-do three sections of plumbing. We have to insulate the plumbing in the back areas, replace a leak, unplug the piping under the tub, and so on and so forth.
Life crap:
Now that I have this post started, I really don't have much to say. We've been watching movies like crazy, I'm getting re-acquainted with my inner feminist, James cooked dinner today, sex is awesome, and life is just pleasantly coasting along. In less than a week we will be on some kind of vacation... not sure where we're going yet, we'll have to figure it up once the repairs to the bathroom are done and we see how many pennies we can scrounge lol We'd LOVE to go to Mammoth Caves in KY to hike, but most likely we'll be broke and have to pack up a little tent to camp at one of the nearby state parks. Either way... life rocks.
Spiritual crap:
I've been told that good Christians don't talk about sex. I'm contemplating talking about sex in every post for a while, just out of spite and annoyance. SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX!!!!!!!! *sticking tongue out* In happier spiritual news, we've been going to a prophecy class at our church and wierdly enough I'm thinking it kinda rocks. We've also been reading a Bible chapter every night (freaky, eh? I'm becoming all kinds of fanatical...) and I plan to post random fun scriptural learning on my faith blog soon. For the moment, feel free to read and be inspired by this verse: Leviticus 19:14 Well! There go my evening plans. *deep sigh of sadness* (Yes, all spiritual writings of mine will probably contain this amount of sarcasm and dry humor.)
So anyway... since I've not only been not blogging, I've been not blog-hopping... my question for the day is:
What's new in YOUR life? Have I missed anything?
Friday, December 08, 2006
Thoughts, Pics, & Memes
Today is Friday!!!!!! Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Check out my hair today! I'm impressed with my hairdoing skillz! *giggle*Last night I had an "Oh" moment... after spending a couple of hours with "my kids," (poor K1 & K2... my first hairdoing victims!!! K1's hair was SOOO hard to do! So silky bobby pins slid right out of it!!!! K2's went a little better, but still not the greatest. Oh well, practice makes perfect!!) I was driving home. It was dark, my mood was dark, and my feelings had been hurt. About to launch into a pathetic (Yes Bri, I tell myself when I'm being pathetic too LOL) pity-party, I decided instead to just spend some time chatting with God. It changed my whole outlook... and reminded me that I have a choice to make when things come that hurt me or bring me down. I can dwell on the bad, and let it destroy my day... or I can just let it go, and keep my mind on the good things. I did that last night, and had a MUCH better evening!!! :o)
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I found this meme at Amy's blog (not to be confused with Cousin Amy) and decided to do it since I always have been and always will be a total bookworm!!!!
How old were you when you learned to read and who taught you? I suppose I learned in school, from Mrs Sowers of Mrs Ratcliff. I don't really remember though.
Did you own any books as a child? What is the first one you remember owning? If not do you remember the first you borrowed from the library?The first books I remember owning were a set of Sesame Street books with all kinds of stuff in them to learn. I also had the books with matching records, handed down from my cousins... and the first book I checked out from the library? The Bobbsey Twins!!!!! I was sick, and mom brought one home for me to read... I LOVED them, and so we went to the library to get more!.
What is the first book you remember buying with your own money? I'm not sure... I didn't buy books much, i just borrowed from the library. (Still do! lol)
Were you a re-reader as a child? If so which did you reread most often? Of course! We lived pretty far from the library. I reread the Bobbsey Twins, Nancy Drew, and Trixie Belden CONSTANTLY... as a matter of fact, I just read a Nancy Drew a couple of days ago when I wasn't feeling good. Nothing to distract you from your sickness like a good mystery!.
What is the first adult book that captured your interest and how old were you when you read it? I remember loving Mary Higgins Clark books from the first time I read one in 8th grade, and Agatha Christie books (Only Miss Marple ones though) when I was a younger teen. As I got into high school, I learned to love medical thrillers (ROBIN COOK!), more adult mysteries, and a little bit of Sci-Fi
Are there any children’s books you passed by as a child and learned to love as an adult? Not really, except maybe Anne of Green Gables. And really, I only like those because Anne acts out The Lady of Shallot, which I love.
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And speaking of The Lady of Shallott... I was re-reading it today, and felt inspired. Here are 4 sketches I drew on post-its today at work: (sorry they are fuzzy... I may scan them when I get home from work) I plan to make some fun designs out of these when I get home.
General layout of Shallott:
The mirror of shadows & the window of hope:
The lady "weaving" colors with an upside-down paintbrush:
The Lady floating:
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