Connection

The theme of my life lately has been connection. I found a book in July, which I would tell you the name of but... where the heck is it?  Anyway, it's about connection, and as you can tell I have not gotten too far in the book. Like... 2 pages. Literally.  That is how well my journey to connecting with others has gone lately. 

I really struggle with letting myself be touched emotionally.  I'm okay with touching others - sharing my pain, my struggle, my humanity... but I am not AT ALL okay with being touchable.  I don't want to leave my house after work.  I don't want to spend time with people.  Some would say this is depression, but honestly - it is me. My earliest social memories involve me making excuses why I did not want to go with my little cousin on great adventures that I knew I would LOVE if I went.  I made excuses so I could stay alone in my house while my parents were working.  Do my chores, then read a book or watch TV or whatever... with no pressure. No working to be what others wanted.  No working to hide emotions that were too intense for the adults in my life to deal with.  Just... being. 

And here I am, years later... my lights are off in my apartment, and I'm alone.  I could talk on FB to friends, or text them, but I would rather not. I could invite a friend over (dear Lord, no, don't even get me started on why people need to stay the heck away from my safe place!), go to a friend's home, or take a friend and go do something I love... but no.  No I am just fine where  am.  Lonely? Yeah... I'd be lying if I said I was not lonely.  I'm just not lonely enough to deal with the stress/risks/demands/drama that social interactions entail.  Guilt for not being more "loveable" is intense - not being a better daughter/wife/friend is overwhelming, and that pressure just makes me want to hide that much more!

I'm getting there. I'm experimenting with slow increases in how I connect with those around me.  Trying to really be present when I am with others, instead of hiding in my emotional "happy place" behind a wall.  Trying to turn off the computer/tv/netflix and really listen when people talk.  

It's a struggle... but I feel like to have the marriage I want, the life I want, I need to get past this wall I put up. How to get past it? Well, one brick at a time sounds like a good start! 

Space to Cry

For those of you not on Facebook with me, I should probably update here about my life.  Sunday afternoon we had plans for the husband to visit his mom, while I went to either the cemetery to see my dad's grave, or to visit my mom - I hadn't decided which.   Started to change clothes, and the phone rang.  A woman from my mom's church called me - my mom had fallen down some stairs at the church, and was at the ER.  She fractured her shoulder in two places, and her pelvis in three places. She's now situated in a rehabilitation center (a nursing home, actually.) while she gets therapy and heals.

For three days, I have done all the right things - worried about how we were gonna take care of her if she had to stay with us: Where would she be released to? How would I get her to appointments? What would happen if I missed too many classes or internship hours? What did my mom need in the hospital? Who did I need to call for her? Did I need to pack anything to bring to her?  I visited, made calls, ran errands... I was a good daughter. I did what good daughters do.  (At least I think I did. I have no idea what good daughters do, or are supposed to do, in cases like this.)

Today, I'm tired. I have not let myself really cry or stop to deal with any of this, and as a result, I've lost my emotional equilibrium. I'm filled with doubts, about myself as a person and myself as a daughter. I've seen myself in the eyes of people who knew me when I was a teenager - angry, bitter, depressed, and hurting more than anyone knew how to deal with.  The people at my mom's church at the time looked at me like I was a monster. They loved my mom - she was so good, and sweet, and pure.  What kind of monster could control and verbally abuse her?  They had no idea what I had been through, what she had ALLOWED me to go through. For years and years, their eyes were the measuring stick I held myself up to.  I felt unworthy, dysfunctional, monsterous.... I let people walk all over me, allowed friends to screw me over in a thousand ways, tried to "save" people like I once was... a quest to prove the monster was gone. 

Years and years later, I still am haunted by that.  I still wonder if my mom prays that I not get pregnant, because she is afraid I will abuse my child.  I wonder if God won't let me get pregnant, because he sees the monster inside me too. I'm so sensitive to this crap that after like 2 years of counseling, I still haven't been able to really talk about this.  I'm ashamed of the things I did, the mistakes I made.  A part of me knows that I was an abused child, never given any help or counseling to deal with the trauma, wounded and hurting and lashing out.  A part of me watches the children at my internship with RAD and other explosive disorders, and breaks when I think of the weight that guilt will have on them for the things they have once done. No child deserves to feel like a monster. No child deserves to feel like they are unforgiveable, horrible and unlovable and permanently broken. 

And what about me? How do I forgive myself, for things I am so deeply ashamed of?  How do I form relationships with a person who I hurt so deeply, and who still makes me feel like I need to apologize for them.  How many times do I need to apologize for being a monster, to the person who nurtured the monster and allowed it to grow?

Why God Won't Let Me Have Kids

Yes... that is me and my husband rolling in laughter as my nephew bursts into tears. 

Temporary Motherhood

My life took a dramatic turn on Friday night, when I looked on facebook and saw that my sister-in-law was at the ER.  She has a broken foot, and no way to take care of her two babies, Lillyan (age 2 and 1/2) and Steven (age 13 months).  Now, for an undetermined amount of time, I have two babies in my house. 

Crap, aunt Janet has a LOTTTTTTTTT of work to do on herself before she has her own kids.

I've found myself repeatedly snapping at the kids, and later regretting it.  I need to learn to love the babies and enjoy them, instead of trying to make my house a perfectly organized boot camp.

I also have to learn to get the 1 year old out of the tub ASAP, preferably BEFORE he poops in the tub... and to ask my husband to duct tape the lid of the strawberry milk mix down BEFORE it spills all over the diaper bag and all its contents. 

So, for right now, I'm going to be trying to balance my sewing and alteration business, my new English tutoring business, my normal life/wife/friendship duties, and the needs of two small children living with me for the next day/week/month. 

Crap.  Any advice? 

For now, I will be helping my family by learning from others about how they have improved their lives.  I'm doing to participate in Biblical Womanhood Friday, which can be found here:



And I'm going to have to be very, very, very organized!!!! My friend will watch the babies during my English lessons, and my husband can probably watch them while I sew... and one way or another, we'll figure this whole thing out!!!

Don't Panic!

Yes, I am still alive.

*I'm working hard on my classes, and I have A's in both of them.

*Working in the backyard, (aka the land of poison ivy), without thinking about covering up my skin... *sigh* I was planning to only work in the front, but I had to take the leaves and such to the compost area in the back yard... and found myself working on the weeds back there. This will probably be something I'm regretting in just a few days.

*Falling and making owwies... fell down a flight of stairs this week while doing the volunteer work required for my intro to social work class. Made a large bruise on my arm, skinned and bruised my elbow, bruised my tailbone, and jarred my back. All in front of one of the kids there... *still embarassed*

*Feeling annoyed that a former coworker is causing a lot of problems for my office, and I have to be involved in the drama. Save the drama for your mama!!!!!!! I don't want it.

*Planting lots and lots and lots of veggies in my gardens. So far I've planted lettuce, cabbage, brussel sprouts, broccoli, argula, and green onions. Tomorrow's list includes another type of lettuce, cauliflaur, and some other kinds of greens. I really want to grow some bok choi, gotta see if the seed store has that. Bok choi is cool.

*Staring at the wall above my computer, and realizing a Christmas decoration is hanging up there. How on earth have i not noticed this before? It's MARCH!!!!

*Worrying that I have lice. That is the very bad part about working with kids... kids = lice. *sigh* I need to find someone who knows how to look for lice. I wonder if my hubby knows?

*Working on our taxes. All done except I have to put our property taxes in. Then on to Mommy's taxes.

*Speaking of family, did you all know that Cousin Amy had a baby?? Somehow I missed the family memo, (probably by not checking my e-mail) but I hear that she is doing well (after a poop-in-utero scare) and everyone is happy and healthy I believe.

*Speaking of babies, my newest neice is absolutely ADORABLE!!!!! I just love her so much, with her cute wittle eyes and her cute wittle hands... and I think she loves her Aunt Jana too. :o)

*Also speaking of babies, we still haven't gotten one. I'm handling that okay right now.

*I'm still hungry, even though I've been snacking all night. Perhaps God decided instead of a baby, I should have a tapeworm? If so, I may not be speaking to him for a while. *frowny eyebrows* (Just kidding God... but please don't give me a tapeworm.)

*My pastor's wife is working with me as an intern in my office. I am finding this both extremely wierd and kinda fun. We seem to be... bonding.

*We have fallen in love with the new Jalapeno Popper Doritos. YUM.

*I miss art. My inner child has crayons but we can't find a coloring book that she likes. I think I'm going to have to check Walmart tomorrow, because she has been sniffling sadly far too much lately.

*I'm really angry at my social work professor. I worked very hard on a paper for that class, using the sentence structures we had been working on in English class... I made a phenominally awesome sentence, using a structure from my English book, and was all excited and proud... until I got my paper back. She had counted my sentence wrong! I am so upset. I plan to take my English book with me to meet with her, and ask if she'll give me my point back if I promise to never use creative sentences in my papers again. Or maybe I should just take the point deduction, and display it with pride as a sign of my non-conforming ways... *sigh*... but my sentence was right, and I WANT MY POINT BACK! Stupid program, preparing us to write dull journal articles with no personality... Grrrrrrrrrrr...

So, this is just a glimpse of what's going on in my life. Now tell me... what's new with you??

Where I'm At

Just a little update on my life:

I turned in my first paper as a college student today! I have another one due tomorrow, which I'm currently revising.

I'm not pregnant. After sobbing pathetically Friday morning and Monday afternoon at work (can we say "humiliating"?) about things that happen to me every single day, we thought it might be a good time to check, but nope... no baby. I'm trying to take my temp every day, but can I just rant to you for a moment? The thermometer instructions say to check your temp every morning, first thing, WHEN YOU ARE HALF ASLEEP. If I am half-asleep, how am I supposed to remember to take my temp?!! *sigh* So far, this hasn't gone well. I've taken to putting my thermometer on top of my cell phone (which I use as an alarm clock) every night, so I see it when I reach to hit the snooze button.

I've failed as a vegetarian. I ate a single meatball, because I forgot I was a vegetarian. The meatball really wasn't that exciting either. How sad.

I've learned to make "Cheater's Spanakopita", using biscuit dough from a tube. You just mix together one (small) container of cottage cheese, two eggs, and some spinach (2 bunches is what it called for, but I didn't use that much). Set that aside for a moment as you take each biscuit and roll it out as then as you'd like. Lay 1/2 of the now-rolled-out-biscuits onto an ungreased cookie sheet. Spread the filling out evenly on the four biscuits on the cookie sheet, and top with the other 1/2 of the biscuits. Smoosh the edges together to make 4 spanikopita pockets. Bake 35 minutes at 400 degrees. Yum.

My husband is gone, working on his mom's car... I have no idea when or if he will be home tonight, and I really need him. Does no one think about the fact that I just had another negative prego test, and might need some support? (I know, I know, how can they know if I don't ask? But how can I ask if I don't have my phone? You see my dilemma.)

Which reminds me... my sister-in-laws surprise birthday party is now being planned for the day my father died 2 years ago. Maybe I should be stronger, or over it... but I just don't think so. I asked Aunt Martha about it, hoping maybe we could do it the week before, but was told just to come and be with friends and family, that they would understand... but who wants someone all weepy at their birthday party? But at the same time, I'd rather die than hurt that sis-in-law, so... I'm stuck. I want to be there, because I love her to death... but I don't want to be there, because I plan to spend that day honoring my dad's memory and will most likely be emotionally and physically exhausted. If it gets too bad and I just can't stop by the party, maybe I could get her a really nice card explaining how much I love her and why I wasn't able to be there. Her mom died not long after my dad, so she would understand.

I haven't shown you all any pics of my baby niece, have I? I'll have to start another post later tonight with all the baby pics in it. She is so cute!!!!!!!!!! I absolutely love her.

For right now, I'm starved... I'm going to go cook a baked potato and maybe make some cauliflower with cream sauce... (adding cheese to the sauce, of course. Mmmmm....)

My Vacation in Pics

These pics are in reverse order, because that's how blogger put them and i'm wayyyyyyy too lazy to move them all.
I found out that I may get a chance to watch my niece and nephew some Saturdays coming up! WOOO HOOOOO!!!!!! Baby time rocks.

K-boy has grown up!!! It's creepy how much he looks like his Uncle James.

I got to love him and hold him and cuddle him... watch him play with his wittle toys and drool all over EVERYTHING.

Nana also got to hold K-boy, who is looking rather Stewie-ish in this pic! LOL

And where did this all happen? At K-girls birthday party of course!!!! She just turned two years old, and look at the look on her face... Aunt Jana loves that kid SO much. Aunt Jana also got her first hug and high five from K-girl that night.

K-girl opened up her presents in her cute wittle dress...

Aunt Jana decided to make her look like an antique photo... with 411 pictures to choose from (all but 50 were from her party lol), I had lots of fun tinkering with pics lol

She got fishies for her birthday, and was SO EXCITED!!!!!!

Baby Flower was born!!!!!!!!!!! Aunt Jana got to sit in the waiting room all through the time that Mommy was being induced... and felt her heart plummet when she heard that the doctor had came out, grabbed Daddy, and said he didn't like how the labor was going and he was going to C-section the baby immediately. Nana and Aunt Jana prayed a lot, that Flower would be okay... and she came out perfectly healthy and looking just like her Mommy. Aunt Jana cried a little, she was so happy. So did Nana!

Uncle James looks so natural holding Flower... is this a sign?

Aunt Jana loves holding baby Flower!!!!

Mark and James played 13 Dead End Drive at the family Christmas at my house. Notice that Marks shirt says "I see dumb people." Also notice that Mark is looking at James.

Jakey LOVED making faces at the camera!!!! How can you not love this kid? I mean, really...

He's just so cute! Even when making monster faces!

We adopted a student from Japan for the holidays, and she played Monopoly for the first time!

Mommy and Momma Rita played too, as did Jana and Jakey. Jana got bored WAY before the ADHD (but medicated!) Jakey... is that sad or what?

K-boy was lookin all gangsta in his wittle hat at Nana's house for Christmas!

Jana gave Flower's mommy two goth onesies for Flower, just for fun! Aren't they cute? Jana also bonded with her other sis-in-law, pictured on the left. Scary stuff!!! (And yes, Kim and Jakey were at the family Christmas. DONT. ASK.)

Nana is showing K-girl the Sesame Street books Aunt Jana and Uncle James gave her for Christmas!

Altogether Jana had the best Christmas EVER. Somehow she forgot to upload the New Years Eve pics for this post, so you'll see them later... but this Christmas I really felt like i had a family... two precious neices and one nephew that I'm completely crazy about, family that I argued with, and so on... it was amazingly awesome.

Jana Life Update - The Family

So, after a fun break from blogging during a week in which I had an unexpected regression to my ADHD/emotionally unstable ways.... Many fun things happened. We'll start today with some updates from the family life sector:

• My brother-in-law has a job near my house now, and has been randomly living on our couch. The up side: I will get to see my neice and nephew more, thanks to an agreement I struck with their mama. (Transportation for the brother-in-law from work in exchange for baby time for me.) The down side: My brother-in-law has been IN. MY. HOUSE. I'm cleaning out the back bedroom so there will be a room for me to send him to when I get annoyed. LOL
• My father-in-law moved to town... for two whole days, approxmiately. Came to my house, made me unable to hate him (how can you hate anyone who is THAT pathetic? Douchebag!), told me how badly he wanted to move to Indiana and be close to his family again after being gone for NINETEEN YEARS... (Actually longer.... james is 24 and his dad walked out when he was 18 months old... 22 and a half years. Douchebag.)... and then decided to move to Texas. GOOD. FREAKING. RIDDANCE.
• My Christmas plans are proceeding decently. So far we have 4 people coming, possibly a fifth... and Kim is inviting some more friends of ours, since I'm sad that it will be so empty.
• My grandma is having renal failure... which makes me very very sad.
• Kim's grandma has been given 72 hours to live... that just makes me wanna cry. I remember the hours, waiting... sitting by the bedside, listening to every breath, wondering if it's the last... I don't envy Kim's mom at all right now.
• Jakey has been given meds for ADHD, and I am wishing I could steal some of them. The past few days my thoughts have been racing and I've been insanely hyper... talking crazy (no filter between my brain and my mouth... always a bad thing)... and without hardly any caffine! I actually cut the caffine BACK! (Yes, I plan to pay off my doctor ASAP and get some happy pills.) Jakey, however, is really benefiting from the medication, and I'm excited for him. I can't wait until he gets his first good behaviour award at school... I plan to take him out to eat, anywhere he wants to go, to celebrate.
• I am seeing my dad EVERYWHERE... all the men with white hair and beards remind me of him (except the ones dressed as Santa, cuz that's just creepy.) I miss him a lot during the holidays.
• My mother-in-law has learned how to forward e-mails. 22 deleted e-mails later... God help us all. *sigh*
• I've been feeling some holiday depression (probably due to missing my dad...) and would really like to remedy that with some good Christmas horror movies... any recommendations?

So that's what's going on in my family life. Stay tuned for the next update... The Craftz. Until then....

What's going on in YOUR family??

Finally...

I sold my wares at a craft bazaar at my aunt's church this weekend... didn't have much business, but sold a few earrings and ornaments. My mommy came by, and I ranted to her about the untimely demise of my Christmas ornaments, and my pathetic need for the mouse advent calendar. I went to her house later to pick up some things I'd left at my cousin Debby's house... and there was the calendar. I hugged it and cried for a deeply unreasonable period of time. I took it home, and the next day my hubby went out before work and stocked it up with candy and hung it up for me... prompting another good warm-fuzzy-cry. I ate today's candy, and cried a little more... and then ate chocolate from last week. *giggle*

The holiday depression has now broken, and I can face the holiday season... armed with a very huggable mousey happily living in his advent calendar. (And with it, memories of Christmases gone by, of love from my Mommy and a warm comfy home and my Dad still being alive.)

All is right in my world.

(P.S. There will be no gay marriage post tonight, I'm going to bed. )

The Weight of the World

Today, for the first time in... two years? Three years? My family actually got together for a holiday! I decided to go ahead and go, since I was feeling some better. I'm still feeling better (which reminds me, crap, I didn't take my antibiotic with my afternoon munching/supper-ish thing. BRB, doing that now.) *returning with Stovetop stuffing leftovers to eat with the meds.* My throat is sore today from talking and singing so much on the way home, (We've always sung Christmas songs on the way home from Thanksgiving. ALWAYS.) and ears still feel all full and gross, but I'm otherwise doing pretty darn good!

The family gathering was awesome, we had SO much fun!!!! James was himself, which was awesome... it was the first time my family really got to know him at all. We had a bonfire, and burnt a couch. (HOLY. FREAKIN. CRAP. Dude... the minute that thing caught fire, it was like WHOOSH and huge nasty black smoke and crazy intense heat came out of it! AND THAT WAS JUST FROM TWO CUSHIONS! Amy the Awesome Cousin has pics.) I got to see Amy the Awesome Cousin and her hubby and kids... I really love Amy's family. Her hubby's sense of dry humor just cracks me up! Her oldest kiddo (who barely qualifies as a kiddo, since she IS like 16 now.), Kid #1, and I always have fun chatting, and I got to know Kid #2 a lot better through the day... and got to spend real time with Kid #3 and Kid #4, for the first time EVER... the only other times I've seen them is at a funeral (our Grandpa) and a wedding (mine). Kid #3 said the prayer over our food, and it contained a phrase similar to: "And God I love you, I really do, and that's why I do! Amen!!!" So cute!

On the downside, and I do have to blog about this since it IS what the title is based on... my grandma did not enjoy the family gathering. And being the youngest (and favorite) grandchild, I feel like that is all my fault. I came in, gave her a hug, and told her I had to stay away from her cuz I was sick and contagious. (Because I AM sick, and possibly contagious, and she is already on a nebulizer 3 times every day. And I have a COUGH. *blink* This is a bad combo.) I didn't chat with her much, even when I noticed others weren't talking to her either. I didn't even talk to her much at the table, when I felt like she was always watching me. I wasn't sure what to say or what to do, so I quietly pondered... and she ended up leaving the room to just be alone. And although I know that we were a noisy and overwhelming group, with lots of kids and so on, I keep feeling like it's all my fault.

In the past, this situation would have concluded like this: I would have kept blaming myself. I would have hated myself. I would have felt a heavy weight of guilt, and assumed that everyone else blamed me as much as I blamed myself. I would have avoided family until they had a chance to forget, and then felt more guilty for avoiding them. (Do you see an endless cycle forming? It did.)

I'm putting the brakes on it today... I had a GREAT time with my family, and my grandma was most likely just truly overwhelmed. Mom said that my Aunt Ruth is feeling just as guilty as I am, maybe even more so, because Grandma had changed her mind about going a couple of days ago, but Aunt Ruth persuaded her to come anyway since she was the reason we decided to celebrate together. The weight of the world doesn't rest on me. The weight of my grandma's happiness and well-being does not rest squarely on my two shoulders. Maybe I made a mistake, and didn't talk to her enough. The world won't end from that... I can always go visit her and chat with her then. I can forgive myself, I can move on....

And I can instead switch to feeling the guilt and lethargy brought on by eating insanely huge portions of turkey, stuffing, and PIE!!!! I love my family... sweet potato casserole, turkey that was SO MOIST, mashed potatoes that were perfectly done, and did I mention pies? Pumpkin, apple, double-decker pumpkin (made by my Beloved), and CHERRY. *happy sigh*

*taking antibiotic, finishing my portion of stuffing, and heading to BED*

Week in Review 8/29

Jen always does a Week in Review, and it looked kinda fun. Here's my week.

Saturday:
*Bought 1/2 lb jalapanos & 1 bunch of cilantro for salsa - $1.23
*Stayed at Kim's house, randomly crafted, watched The Mist. (Not bad at all! Wierd, but cool.)

Sunday:
*Went to church with Kim & Jakey. Our church is fasting in September, so she decided that she and I were going to fast pop. I was very impressed, and am now drinking Diet Coke like crazy while I still can. lol
*Watched Halloween - Curse of Michael Myers (Really good!!!!) and Halloween - Resurrection (OMW. SO. STUPID. Didn't even finish the movie.)
*Sewed pieces of fabric together for future quilted bibs.
*Went to evening service at church with James, and then grabbed Mexican food... Carne Verde = Heaven. Seriously... so yummy. Also was almost brave enough to speak to the waiter in Spanish. Almost. (No idea why I have a phobia of speaking Spanish to waiters... *shrug*)

Monday:
*Watched Star Wars - Episode 1 with James while crafting.
*Learned a new crochet stitch called the Open Ridge Stitch. This is the front:

This is the back:I really liked that stitch, and will probably make a few more things out of it.

Tuesday:
*Watched Star Wars - Episode 2 with my hubby while randomly crafting. Cut out some pics from magazines, sewed some more quilt pieces together.
*Made Salsa, and it didn't suck!!!!! Woooooooooo!!!!

Wednesday:
*James made a pie, and out of his deep love for me, saved me raw pie dough to eat. I love that man!
*Mother in law and Aunt Clara were both put in the hospital. While in the waiting room, we got a call from Andrea and Sherwood (who we haven't chatted with in over a month) to say that their pastor had been in a car accident and they wanted us to pray. On our way to exit the hospital, we ran into Brittany & Phillip, who I haven't seen since January. Brit was in the ER after falling in the shower, hitting the sink, the sink cracking off the wall, and Brit possibly breaking/fracturing her back. We gave hugs to their kiddos (Gracie is 3 now, and was going to come home with us but got scared at the last minute. Hannah is 9 months old and SO CHUBBY!!! And all kinds of cute brown hair.) and gave them out new phone number. Altogether the weirdest night we've had in ages.
*Learned a new crochet stitch called the Alternate Puff Stitch. Not my favorite stitch, and I've decided I hate this yarn right now.

Thursday:
*Wierdness continues as the neighbor stops by to introduce herself and give us Avon books. (I forgot to tell her that you were my personal Avon rep Leti. Oops. Which reminds me... any Imari on sale?) She stayed a while, and came back later to bring her daughter over. She (the daughter) is in Pre-Algebra and needing help, and I rock as a pre-algebra tutor, so... that's awesome. She is kinda goth, wants to be a coroner, and may be able to get me permission to go with her to see an autopsy!!! HOLY CRAP!!!!!! I love my life.
*Watched Star Wars - Episode 3 for the first time, in between neighbor visits. Anni goes evil, Padme dies, and even Yoda is injured? I have a love/hate relationship with that movie.
*Sewed together the pieces I'd been putting together all week to form the quilt blocks. This is my fave design...
These are an old design that I am still attached to. It was so much easier to do these this time...
I love the design of these but HATE how they turned out. Going to try it with different material this time and going to be careful NOT to accidently hit the needle placement over to the left while sewing these. *sigh*
Love this design!Friday:
*Off work early! Went to the thrift store and bought shirts for me and some baby clothes for K-boy.
*Watched Michelle Obama's speech at the Democratic Convention... WOW. I'm speechless.
*Realized how much more fabric I already have cut out to piece together. Go me!

How was YOUR week?

Where Have I Been Lately?

OH CRAP!!!! I haven't posted in forever!!!!! Where have I been?

OH YEAH! I've been hanging out with my little niece, K-girl!
And her baby brother, K-boy!!!!! (Is he not just SO insanely little and cute???

And watching them be adorable TOGETHER!!! (He's like "DUDE! I'm trying to SLEEP here!! Ya mind?!)

We've been playing with the Kareoke (Yeah, I spelled it wrong. Deal with it.) machine we bought for $5 at a yard sale! (Ignore the door, we are SO repainting it soon and replacing those curtains... BLECK!)
And playing Texas Hold 'Em Poker, with a set we bought for 8 dollars at a different yard sale! Everything was new except the case, which had a broken latch. BIG DEAL! LOL What a bargain.

And making baby bibs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The crocheted ones in the top left are done and ready to sell... all the rest are in various states of production lol I'm feeling the bib vibes wearing off, so I'll probably finish these and then move onto something else for a while until my "bibbing mojo" comes back LOL

Depression... I can't say it's gone, but it has lessened some. I plan to listen to all of your advice, believe it or not. Tomorrow night I plan to get a notebook and set it aside to journal my depression and anxiety. I also plan to grab some St Johns Wort (Note to Brian: I'm going to look for it at Nancy's herb shop on 41), and ask if it is safe for me since I may become pregnant. Jen, if I get to the point where it is consistently taking over my life, I plan to take the journal to my doctor, and ask for a different medication... perhaps one that I can take AS NEEDED instead of all of the time. I more or less plan to take one day at a time, and see what feels right.

Abandonment

Time and time again, as I allow myself to feel and examine my emotions, I come back to that word. Abandonment.

This seems to be a theme in my life. I think it really hit me when my parents split up at the age of 12. My dad had been my knight in shining armor as a child, vowing to vanquish anyone who hurt me or tried to take me away... but when Mom and I packed up our boxes to move, the only response from him was when I found a card in his trashcan... it read "Daddy, I love you." with cute little crayon drawings. That basically summed up our relationship from that point forward. We had occasional visits from him... usually him wanting to "say goodbye" before he commited suicide. *eye roll*

At the same time, my mom was working a lot of long hours... my grandparents had their own lives to deal with (Grandpa was going blind)...

And I felt so abandoned.

I see this being repeated in my mind even today. When I have serious discussions with James, I fear he'll leave me. When I make a mistake at work, I worry I'll be fired. When I don't hear from a friend in a while, I wonder what I did to make them leave me. I feel like I'm always waiting to do that one unforgiveable thing... the one that will make the other person walk away and never come back.

I see all this... but I have no idea how to overcome it. How do you shut off (or circumvent) something ingrained so deeply?

He's Here!!!!!!!

Introducing: K-boy!!!!!!!! He was born yesterday at 2:20PM!!! Isn't he adorable???? 7 lbs 11 oz!

Aunt Clara saw me holding him and put one of the hats I crocheted onto his wittle head... turned out to be a bit small, but still cute. The other ones were bigger!

Uncle Markie had to hole him... doesn't it look natural??? Uncle Markie and his girlfriend are having a baby in January, so this is good pratice for him :)

So now K-Daddy is visiting us and we're having good chat times. :o)

Guess What?

MY SISTER IN LAW'S WATER BROKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*shrieking*

I'm gonna be an auntie soon!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anytime Now....

UPDATE: My brother-in-law and I talked today, and the doctor decided not to induce K-mom until the 26th. Her due date was the 21, so I'm glad they're waiting a little longer... the daddy has serious heart problems, so I think the longer the baby is inside, the better it will be for him. Sooooo... sometime in the next 9 days, I should become an auntie!!! Although that means I won't get to hold him yet... it means I have more time to KNIT and CROCHET!!!!!! I found some SERIOUSLY cute patterns... *plotting*

I'll be an AUNT!!!!!!! My sis-in-law K-mom is going to be induced tomorrow (Tuesday) and I am SO EXCITED!!!!!!! The ultrasound showed he is a boy, and on my blog he will be refered to as K-boy. (As opposed to his big sis, K-girl!) I wasn't around for K-girls birth, so that is making K-boys arrival just that much more exciting! And of course, I had to try out my knitting and crocheting skills on the little guy with some bibs...

And some hats... LOL

Here's a close-up of this one... I learned how to switch colors as I crocheted, without cutting the yarn!!!! This was fun AND educational!

This blue and white combo yarn was especially annoying, so I gave the rest of it to my mother-in-law... the white yarn on it is much thinner than the blue, and makes it VERY hard to work with. Bleck.


And then I had two skeins of the blue yarn of that type left... so I made it my personal mission to use it all up! I made this blankie:

(I NEVER thought I'd have the patience to do a baby blankie... but I did!!!!!! ) and now I'm down to only half a skein!!

I also made him some booties... LOL No, Aunt Jana hasn't gone baby crazy at all!!!!!! I'm such a sap when it comes to babies.

Adding Insult To Injury

After we finally limped to the car after our hiking adventure, we decided to stop on the way back at the house where I grew up, and the cemetery where my dad was buried.

Keep in mind that by this time my back was spasming, my left hip was also hurting from the fall, and we were semi exhausted.

Sooooo... we passed over a little bridge on the way to my old house, and I began to cry as I told James how my Grandpa walked me down there so we could throw rocks in the stream. I was embarassed... I rarely let people see me cry if I can help it, and my brother in law was in the back seat. Anyway, I showed James the house, and all was well.

Then we went to the cemetery.

My family has a plot there... and as I went down our row, I was so happy to see the graves decorated! (Since this was a completely random trip, we hadn't brought any flowers with us. And the nearest place to buy more was... umm... *thinking* 45 minutes away? The cemetery is in the middle of nowhere. It's so far out, that on the way to my aunt's funeral the HEARSE GOT LOST!!!!! Seriously! It had to turn around in someone's driveway!!! )

My grandma had a pretty flower arrangement saying "mom", my grandpa had a pretty one saying "dad"... my uncle Joe had a blue arrangement, and my aunt Wanda had two pink ones....

And what did my dad have on his? NOTHING. My uncle went out there, put flowers on all the other stones, and left my dad's totally barren. I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO angry. I went to the pile of unloved flowers, and tried to fashion a bouquet for my dad out of flowers they'd taken off of other graves to mow. Most were faded, missing flowers, or dirty...

I had to make my dad a bouquet out of the FREAKING TRASH! THE TRASH!!!!!!! I was so mad. I sobbed, I yelled, I threw ugly flowers, and called my uncle some things I won't repeat on here. I was emotionally devestated. I ranted on the way home, and at a barbeque James's family had that night... people just looked at me like I was crazy and completely flipping over nothing. I was too angry to care at that point.

Finally, the next day I couldn't handle it anymore, and went back out there with a crapload of flowers. My dad's grave is now extremely festive, with a gnormous bouquet of blue and white flowers that I arranged myself.

His dignity is restored, and I'm at peace again.

Jana's Commune & Taxi Service

This morning when I woke up, my mother-in-law was asleep on the couch. Brother-in-law #2 was asleep on the floor of the office. Ollie was asleep on the end of the couch. Brother-in-law #1 was playing Diablo 2 on my computer. Aunt Clara's stuff was stored in my dining room. (I took her to the hospital last night, she was having pains.)

I think Aunt Clara had tried to explain to me yesterday that this would be happening, but I obviously didn't grasp it. I thought they were just stopping to pick up Aunt Clara for a doctors appointment, when they came to my house at 6AM... until they all filed in, to nap until Brother-in-law #2's doctors appointment at 9:15 AM. I was very confused, and way too sleepy to figure this out. I just tossed a couple of pillows out (while trying to keep all the lights off, because I was NOT modestly dressed AT ALL, and WAY to sleepy to hunt for a robe...) and went back to sleep.

6 AM is WAY to early to have relatives.

Life IS a Circle

And what goes around DOES come around.

See, for example, what happened to my cousins... who didn't show up to my bridal shower, wedding, or even send a card of congratulations. I was very hurt by this, as almost no one from my dad's family bothered to come to my wedding.

A part of me is sad, because I have happy memories of working for them in the now-burnt-down schoolhouse... making yummy maple cookies, soup beans, and chicken & noodles... listening to Archie play his fiddle outside as my little cousins danced...

But most of me is feeling warm and fuzzy, cuz "It couldn't happen to a nicer person!" Bwahahahahaha! Serves ya right!

TGIF!!!!!!

It is FINALLY Friday!!!!!!!

Shall we all partake of a Friday dance of joy?

*breaking into a happy dance*

Ahhhhh I feel much better now! I'm getting my stuff together, on my way to visit my friend Kim and spend some time watching scary movies (Critters, which I've never seen, among others), teaching her to knit & crochet, crocheting a new hat pattern I downloaded while I was at work today, and probably working on my art journal or collaging or just doing random types of art! OH and I'm going to teach her to play Risk! Yippee!

*another happy dance*

Tomorrow will be my "day off from the world". Some of us were gonna be visiting my grandma tomorrow in mass, but then decided it was a bad idea or something... so i have the day to myself, to undo the damage done to my bedroom over the holidays, do laundry since I have no clean clothing, get my finances a bit more organized, and probably play a game or two of Lemmings.

*yet another happy dance, in honor of time alone*

Then Sunday night I'm going to James Aunt's house, to hang out with his family, my three cousins who will be there (including one who I only see at funerals, and miss. My older cousins were way cool, and I was seriously deprived of time with them.), and other random people I've never met. We'll be playing 5 Card Stud, Bunko, (never heard of it) and Euchre (OMW I love that game!!!!!!! EUCHRE!!!!!!!!!)

*happy dance in honor of Euchre*

I plan to force one of my cousins to be my Euchre partner so that we can win by amazing proportions. Our family may be SEVERELY disfunctional. (The side that my cool cousin Amy is NOT on, just so ya know.) Many members of my family may have prison records. Several members may be alcoholics. Almost everyone has a violent temper. Almost none have been to college.

But we rock at Euchre!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bwahahahahaha

*evily laughing at the thought of unmercifully slaughtering another team at Euchre*

Family is good. *giggle*

Categories: James, Family, Friends