Powerless

Sometimes life throws you for a loop, watches you hit the ground with a loud *splat*, and laughs as you writhe in pain.

My work life is a little like that right now.

I'm trying to take a step back from my emotions lately, and ask "what can I learn from what I'm feeling?" It's been deeply therapeutic... but... on this, I have no idea where to go. In the course of one day, I went from doing one person's job to two persons' jobs, while also being told I would also be running errands for a staff member with an axe to grind.

If I say I can't get everything done, I'm whining.
If I keep quiet and can't get everything done, I'm incompitent.
If I point out that the staff member who asked for my "assistance" just wanted to punish me because she didn't get a promotion because my friend did, I'm bitter and angry.

I feel completely powerless.

In general, I love my job. I love being where I can have at least some minimal interaction with students from around the world. I love working in an office that supports all kinds of activities for student groups. I love the people I work with (with one exception), and am really and truly shocked that this was allowed to happen in front of the entire office staff. I have no intention of quitting my job, so I'm setting some limits for myself:

No working late without pay.
No working through lunch without pay.
No worrying about work when I leave the job - I can't meet expectations that are completely ludicrus.

I WILL do my best work each day... but I do not have the time nor the motivation to sell my soul to a job. I have a career I'm working toward and classes I'm taking. I have a husband and a household to keep up with. I have body that we're working to help be healthy so that a child can grow inside it. I will NOT give myself gray hairs, ulcers, or other health problems just to try and meet impossible expectations. I will not fill my body with toxic chemicals (caffine) in order to accomplish more tasks in less time, nor will I fill my soul with toxic emotions that affect my physical and emotional health.

And I'll take an honest look at my job - what I'm doing and how I'm doing it - to see what I can improve. Are there things I can do to make my work more efficient? Am I wasting time on tasks that are low priority instead of focusing on the priority tasks? Am I wasting time because things are not organized in my office realm? What can I change in my work life to accomplish more in the limited time I'm given each day?

In the end, I alone have the true power over my job.

Stretching

This is a big month here in Jana-Land... so much change and growth going on!! My poor stomach is in knots, but it'll all be worth it in the end.

I started my classes today, and they are as different as night and day! The first one is an honors course... minimal rules in the 2-page syllabus, attendance is optional since we are adults responsible for our own fates, blah blah blah... (I LOVE this class and think this professor is gonna be amazing! Hard as heck, perhaps, but worth it!) Everyone in that class is white except one international student, about half are the preppy-with-money types, and I was the only older student... Class #2 is for my major, and had a 28 page syllabus. Attendance is mandatory, each assignment must be turned in or you fail the class, blah blah blah... each rule was explained IN DEPTH from the sylabus, and she talked to us like we had terminal stupidity. 80% of this class is black, almost all of us are poorer, and there were 4 older students in the class. It was... painful. I really despise being talked down to and expected to suck and cause trouble. Oh well, I really feel like I'll learn a lot from this class, so it's worth it.

I'm trying to make healthy friendships... and it is not going well. I'm so desperate for friends, I find myself cracking at the first sign that they might not like me, and falling back into the whole codependant please-need-me-so-I-know-you-won't-leave pattern. Most recently, my hubby and I took a foreign student to our family holidays over the break (wierdly enough she was only a few years younger than me), because she wasn't able to go home. She came to Christmas, New Years, and to see my sis-in-laws baby... and then after seeing my sis-in-law with me, began kinda brushing me off... not wanting to go to things, not texting back, etc... Needless to say, I feel very hurt. I probably shouldn't yet... I mean, maybe she's just busy or whatever. But friendships make you vulnerable, and this is scary terrain for me.

I'm still not hanging out with the friend who screwed me over at Christmas. We talked about the holiday screw-over, (the lie part actually, which she explained she didn't mean the way it came out in text, and she wasn't lying... she really did think there was a storm, and just was going to use it for her own gain. I believe her, but she still sucks for taking advantage of my ability to drive, and using it as a way to avoid becoming independant.) but I'm just not really up to being screwed over again yet. I'll give it a month or so... maybe take her kiddo out on a Jana & kid dinner date or something so the kid doesn't feel abandoned. Not really caring if the "friend" feels abandoned. *shrug* That's better than me going around her, and then cracking in anger because I'm not calmed down at her yet lol

The vegetarian thing is going well! Tonight - Thursday will be James's days to cook, which is a nice break for me. Tonight he made chili w/o meat, and it was EXCELLENT! Maybe he'll give us his recipe on here? I'm feeling full but without such a heavy feeling in my stomach each time I eat. It's very different!

Last night... *dramatic pause*... I excercised! I did a salsa dance, and it felt really good!

I'm getting the mic & sound on my computer fixed (the mic has been broke for like... since I got the computer.), so I'll be able to study languages again online!! Very excited about that.

And spiritually... God and I are chatting more, and I'm very happy about that.

So lots of growth going on here... lots of change... scary as hell I gotta tell you. My nerves are on edge, and I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster sometimes... with the excitement, nervousness, and fear of all the change and growth... but it'll be worth it all in the end, right?

20 Days of Meatless Menus - Day 2

Day 2 of Meatless Meals are here:

Today's menu:

Pasta Primavera: James - 7.5 Janet - 7
Lemon Cilantro Corn: James - 9 Janet - 9.8

Lemon Cilantro Corn:
Cook one bag of corn as directed on package. When corn is done, add butter, lemon, and chopped cilantro to taste. It is YUMMY!!!!!

It's so good, i'm even loving the taste of it when I burp.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In other news....

Tomorrow I start college classes to become a social worker!!!!! WISH ME LUCK!!!!!!!

20 Days of Meatless Menus - Day 1

Why am I going vegetarian for the rest of the month?

My church is going on what is called a "Daniel fast." We (hubby and I) are using it not only as a way to sacrifice as we seek more of God, but also as a way to learn to eat a healthier way. Our church generally says that a Daniel fast means avoiding "meats and sweet treats", but I forgot the sweets part and baked cookies. Sooooooo... we're only abstaining from meats.

How is it going so far?

AWESOME! Tonight's menu, with each dish rated on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest:

Eggplant Parmesan - 8.75
Experimental rice pilaf (sorta) with sauce - 1
Garlic cheese bread - 7
Salad - 7
Yogurt with cherry jello flavoring - 6

The yogurt with jello flavoring was shockingly disappointing. I remember us eating that ALL the time when I was a kid. Maybe I should try another flavor.

The eggplant parmesan ROCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was absolutely blown away by how good it was! And very easy too! Here's how I made it:

1 medium eggplant
1 cup spaghetti sauce (I used Kroger brand 6 cheese)
2 oz shredded cheese
Olive oil

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F
Take 1 medium eggplant, cut off the ends, and cut it into 10 rings.
Cover a baking pan with foil, and brush the foil with olive oil. Place rings of eggplant on the foil, and bake for 20 minutes.

Take rings out of oven, and remove rings from the foil. Brush a fresh coat of olive oil over the foil, and put 5 rings back on the foil. Top each ring with spaghetti sauce, and sprinkle cheese on top. Put another ring on top of each (making a sandwich, more or less), and top with the remaining spaghetti sauce and cheese. Bake another 20 minutes.

Serve with garlic bread and a salad, and you have a FULL, meatless, meal!

Resumes and Rants

The collage journey with Shelley is on the beginning of week 3, and I have to say I am loving this!!!! I skipped a few days after the layoff bombshell, for a variety of reasons including the obvious... but yesterday I was back on track.

Today's collage shows my inner need for direction... my life feels SO deeply out of control right now. I obsessively rearranged the movie bin at Walmart today. *sigh* People thought I was crazy, but in some small way I gave myself control over something. Which is good... since the best-laid plans, as usual, fell through. Today I planned to refresh my skills with the Microsoft programs in preparation for testing at the temp agencies this week... got seated at my computer, in my jammies, with my beverage and some crocheting... only to find out the that library's computer tutorials require a username and password. Crap.

I'm looking in several different directions for a new job. This week will be filled with job fairs, temp agencies, and probably a great deal of ranting and raving as I work on making a resume that doesn't suck. I HATE RESUMES!!!!!!!!!! They make me want to throw things... all the conflicting opinions about what a resume should be, and how to make them perfectly perfect, and blah blah blah.

My self-esteem has shatted this week. Trying on all my professional clothes has showed me just how far I've let myself go. Weight gain, hairy eyebrows, deathly palor, etc... tomorrow will also contain an eyebrow waxing session and some time in a tanning bed. I can't walk into an interview feeling this crappy about myself.

My collage also shows that my inner self realizes that I AM unique, I AM "spicey", and that THIS IS ALL OKAY. After a week of hearing how not-okay I am in order for friends to prepare me for the job market, I'm glad that the inner me has not listened to the messages.

I AM unique...

I DO "spice it up"...

Somewhere there is a Jana-shaped job waiting on me, the real me, to fill it... right? *nervous fidgeting*

Fankful Fwiday

I've been battling depression on and off this week... so I decided to celebrate today with a bit of thankfulness! I'm thankful for:

*Fast internet! - The net was down Monday and Tuesday here at work, and I about lost my mind... so much of our work involves the internet.

*Fitness - Today is the first time since my owwie that I've walked to work without any pain from being out of shape! YIPPEE!!!!!

*Food - The Fellowship of the Fabulous Foodies is really inspiring me to try and cook new things... check out the recipes I made last night! Oh, and if you like to cook, we're also looking for other foodies to join in and post recipes! You can join us here!

*Funds - Uncle Norman and James spent Monday figuring out how to fix the bathroom floor, and how much it would cost... and not including piping that needs replaced, we're looking at only about $100!!!!

*Funky clothes - I'm feeling inspired to embellish and tailor my clothes. If I actually DO it, I'll be posting pics soon!

*Freedom - Today is FRIDAY! In 3 hours my weekend will begin... and I can't WAIT!!!!! lol

How about you? What are YOU "fankful" for today???

A Walk to Remember

Today, I walked to work.

Yeah, seriously!!! James's car is in need of repair, so since he works an hour's drive from home, and I work a half-hours WALK from home, I decided to let him take my car today, and walk if the weather was nice. The weather this morning was PERFECT! It rained all night, so everything was crisp and clean... it wasn't too hot or too cold on my walk... PERFECT.

So I set off on my walk, with my camera and a novel... Some fun things I saw on my walk:

3 squirrels
1 purple hyacinth
1 pink hyacinth
2 pink magnolia trees in bloom
1 mystery white blooming tree
1 Killer Corgi, who I will refer to as "Kujo the Cute"

As I went about my way, I was pondering on houses for sale... and had an ephiphany. I know how the government can solve the housing market problem!!!!

You know all the nice things that FDR had unemployed people do on the WPA to make this country better? Well, if the mortgage crisis continues, houses will be coming available at rapid rates... as more people sell or foreclose, and less people buy. Why couldn't the government start a program that buys houses in areas needing "urban renewal", and hire unemployed people to fix the houses, pick up the trash outside, plant flowers... and make those neighborhoods SO much better! They could train people for that instead of handing out welfare checks... the property values in those neighborthoods would increase... the mortgage crisis will eventually have to end, and the government can sell those houses back to ordinary citizens!

Yes, in the 30 minute walk to work, I single-handedly solved the mortgage crisis, welfare reform, unemployment, and urban renewal. Worship of me may begin at any time. :o)

Wellness Wednesday - Sorta

Yeah, yeah, I know it's not Wednesday anymore. It FEELS like a Wednesday today, so I'm going to go ahead and join Wellness Wednesday a day late.

Remember how before I was married I was gonna cook healthy food for me and my hubby, with lots of healthy veggies and little fat & cholesterol?

WOW THAT WAS UNREALISTIC!

I tried that in January... it did SO not work. I ended up settling in January for food that was edible (aka not burnt), and fast food for less than half the meals. I attempted to cook a veggie with each meal. James got breakfasts at Hardees a large portion of the time.

In Febuary, poverty hit, and we tried to live from the food in our cabinets. I settled for eating fast food one or two suppers a week, and concentrated on learning to cook in bulk so James would have food to take from work. Veggies were slowly forgotten. Healthy food was not even thought of.

Now, in March, the poverty is gradually beginning to lessen. I've learned some food basics that stretch (spaghetti, cavatini, hamburger helper meals, quiche, etc.) so that James & I neither one need to buy breakfasts or lunch. We've not been eating out hardly at all (fast-food or otherwise), and I'm trying to get back into the swing of cooking veggies. I think it will help when people sell veggies along the road again... a constant reminder, AND a cheap source of veggies! The foods I'm making aren't terribly unhealthy, but they are MUCH better than McDonalds. We're improving, slowly, and I'm okay with that!

April's food goals? I don't have any. I'll just take things as they come. We'll probably grill more as the weather gets better, and cook more veggies as they come into season... but no pressure to improve. I am happy to just keep the status quo for a while, with no back-sliding into chronic McDonalds meals!

101 in 1001 Days

I have decided to participate in 101 Things in 1001 Days, where you make 101 goals and try to complete them in the next 1001 days (for me, by Dec 8, 2010). Here are my goals:

Spiritual/charitable goals:
1. Read the entire Bible - On 2 Samuel 6
2. Memorize one scripture from each book in the Bible (3/52) - Genesis 1:1, Exodus 14:14, Leviticus 26:13
3. Volunteer at WILL center or Special Olympics. Worked at ne 6/6
4. Volunteer at the ICU where my dad died, or at a CODA shelter Tried to volunteer at CODA - no reply from them. Volunteered at Ryves Hall instead
5. Visit Debbie-the-temp’s church for Shabat one Saturday. - DONE 8/30

Creative goals:
6. Crochet 2 garments for myself (a sweater, skirt, etc... something big) (1/2) - White shrug finished in September
7. Knit 2 garments or accessory for myself (0/2)
8. Visit the Swope Art Gallery
9. Collage one full picture -
10. Learn to use chalk pastels (Read through book)
11. Sew one item of clothing for myself
12. Try 5 new forms of art (2/5) - Beading!! Quilting!
13. Take one non-painting art class
14. See Phantom of the Opera performed. (Or similar show)
15. Make a Craft with Aunt Martha
16. Submit 10 photos to contests/publications (0/10)
17. Submit 10 poems to contests/publications (0/10)
18. Finish afghan for bedroom

Health/Wellness goals:
19. Exercise to Dance Off the Inches: Sizzling Salsa once in it's entirety
20. Hike every trail at Turkey Run State Park Trails to do: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10(1/10)
21. Buy one container of DHC deep cleansing oil for my face
22. Use entire container
23. Find a good facial moisturizer
24. Learn to do 2 new things with my hair (0/2)
25. Fix bike & ride it around the park
26. Train Sarah-doggie on her leash
27. Floss teeth every night for 30 days (0/30)
28. Take Sarah-doggie to the vet

Learning goals:
29. Complete Read & Speak Arabic for Beginners (Chapters 0/?)
30. Complete Spanish the Easy Way - On Chapter 21
31. Take an ASL class or watch every ASL video from the library
32. Take one dance class or buy another dance video - Finished Cha-Cha classes 10/28
33. Learn to fire & take care of a handgun
34. Read Hamlet (Acts 0/5)
35. Take Keyboard lessons
36. Complete XML Tutorial (Lessons 0/16)
37. Complete XML Tutorial #2 (Lessons 0/11)
38. Complete CSS Lessons (0/22)

Social goals:
39. Visit 101 new blogs and comment (17/101)
40. Talk to 101 complete strangers (8/101)
41. Have one Video chat with someone in ASL
42. Make and keep one e-mail penpal for at least 6 months - Started chatting with
43. Completely clean out Hotmail inbox - DONE 4/1/08
44. Completely clean out Yahoo inbox
45. Go to 10 community events (for fun, not business) (3/10) Farmers Market, Asian Cooking Class, International Education Week
46. Add delicious & technorati tags to my posts for 30 days. (0/10)


Domestic-ish goals
47. Make 101 new recipes (20/101)
48. Find 30 new veggie recipes that don’t suck & post them on my blog (5/30)
49. Finish painting kitchen
50. Decorate living room in cool stylez
51. Make my own salsa - DONE 8/26
52. Can some green beans
53. Go to one workshop/retreat/apprenticeship at Hobbit Gardens
54. Make a mojito from scratch
55. Try 20 recipes using cilantro (3/20) Lemon Cilantro Corn
56. Make a recipe book - DONE!
57. Bake a bundt cake
58. Invite people over for five sit-down meals (1/5)
59. Organize art room/office
60. Kill all poison ivy in back yard
61. Completely clean up back yard
62. Plant flowers in flower beds - DONE 6/5
63. Make entire yard look presentable

Travel goals:
64. Hike at every state park in IN (2/24) Done: Turkey Run, Shades
65. Crawl through the wolf cave at McCormick's Creek
66. Camp out with James - DONE Summer 08
67. Hike at a mountain
68. Take James to KY - DONE Summer 08
69. Try 15 new restaurants (6/15) - European Grill, Crazy Buffet, Thai, Tokyo Grill, BBQ Smokehouse, Taj Mahal
70. See Cirque du Soleil perform
71. Explore 10 new back roads near my city(0/10)
72. Hike at Mammoth Caves - DONE Summer 08
73. Geocache
74. Visit 5 new states (0/5)
75. Visit 10 new places in my city (0/10)
76. Take Sarah-doggie hiking with us 5 times (0/5)

Financial Goals:
77. Record all spending for 2 weeks, and analyze
78. Make a budget - Done 10/3
79. Stick to a budget for 1 month
80. Pay off car
81. Pay off debts

Business goals:
82. Read one book about copyright issues
83. Make 500 ornaments/crafts to sell by Christmas (6/500)
84. Make 1000 ornaments/crafts to sell before Smmer '09 (6/1000)
85. Investigate shops to sell too
86. Investigate craft fairs to sell at
87. Read one Cloth-Paper-Scissors and try each technique mentioned
88. Learn to embroider - DONE!
89. Learn to applique
90. Alter at least 10 items of kids clothing (0/10)
91. Create a Jana’s Jewelz website
92. Customize website & add order forms.
93. Create a Jana’s Jewelz Etsy site - DONE 3/29/08
94. Customize Etsy site

Personal/random goals:
95. Make living will
96. Do target practice at a shooting range
97. BUY A CAPPUCINO MAKER!
98. Buy electronics fun kit to play with
99. Take 10 crazy pics of myself (1/10)
100. Read God’s Politics
101. Make new list when this is done!