Out of Control

Twice in my life I have been so wound up with uncontrolable stress that I have needed to compulsively organize bins in stores.  The first time was right before my wedding (the worst time of my life.) and the second was another day at Walmart. 

Yesterday I almost had to do it again. 

I feel so fragile right now.  I feel like my life is spinning out of control, and so am I.  I'm completely behind on my goals for the summer.  I have sacrificed productivity to avoid lonliness, but now wish for time alone but can't handle it when it comes.

I'm afraid that I'm pregnant.  I'm afraid to believe that I'm pregnant, because what if I'm wrong?  Can I handle the pressure of truly hoping for a pregnancy and then getting the period-of-all-hope-is-lost?  I want to be pregnant, but I feel unprepared.  What the heck does a woman do when she gets pregnant?  I need to read the books about the subject, but who has the time? 

I want to curl up in a small ball and cry, but the work needing to be done in my life screams at me at the top of it's lungs and I can't ignore it long enough to truly rest. 

I can't sleep at night.  I sleep late in the day.  I waste precious hours fighting to sleep and then more hours losing the fight to wake up. 

I really need a vacation, or perhaps this is a delayed result of no happy pills?

I want to ask for help, but the last time someone saw my weak moment, she lost all respect for me.  She said cruel and horrible things that I honestly have not been able to forgive.  I think somewhere along the way I vowed to never again show weakness to a friend, because I never want to be hurt that way again. 

So I badly need help, I feel horribly weak and fragile, but know that reaching out for help is not in any way a possibility. 

This bites.

The best laid plans...

The best laid plans NEVER work, so why do I try?  *dramatic sigh*

This weekend, I made a to-do list for each day this week.  Since I don't have a new daily planner yet, this is a good way for me to not forget appointments, keep track of what I need to do each day, etc...

Or it would be...

If I actually looked at the to-do lists.

This week and last week both went insane, and the to-do lists were totally lost in the shuffle.  For example: Sunday night I had a horrible IBS flare-up, which pretty much knocked me out of commission for a day.  Then, I couldn't sleep Monday night.  Or Tuesday night.  And not a whole lot last night either.  I'm now kind of a walking zombie... who is caring for a friend's 8-year old son for two days because his babysitter (aka his aunt) is having drama in her life and would be mean to him. 

So yeah, this week did not go AT ALL as planned. 

But really... was it all bad?  Nope.  When a friend asked me to go to a doctor's appointment with her, we talked and bonded, and I crocheted components for a bracelet.  When I was invited to a party with just a few hours notice, I got to hug and cuddle a new baby (he is only 10 days old!) and I ended up selling a broach and getting an alteration order, plus I will be making another broach and a bracelet in the future for another woman.  I was also asked if I could embroider flowers.  I of course replied that I could not, but would be learning soon :o)

So, my total profits for sure from that unexpected event will be $16.  The other broach and bracelet should get me $11 more, plus several of the women seemed interested in the bracelets.  Not bad for a party I wanted to go to anyway lol 

In sad news, I'm wayyyyyyy behind in my alterations, and have to send an apology message to a customer.  That always stinks.  I think when she sees the finished product though, she will be more than happy. 

So, there you have it... I'm exhausted beyond exhaustion, and my to-do lists are not at all working... but my house is freakishly clean, my laundry is done, my customers are mostly happy, and an 8-year old is happily playing Lego Star Wars in my living room.  Life is pretty awesomely good. 

Owwies and Originals

So yesterday I as going about my daily life, when I had a horrible horrible pain in my stomach.  A long long time ago, when I was 17, I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome after having similar horrendous pains.  I watched my diet now, and generally had only mild problems. This week I'd been particularly good, and not consumed any soda whatsoever... so I'm a little perplexed as to why the pains came.  They're both good and bad... bad, obviously, because THEY HURT. Good, however, because I feel so supported by the community at my apartment.  Two friends asked if I needed any help, and one offered to stay with me, let me stay with her, and even do my laundry if I couldn't.  Very very awesome. 

Another good thing is that this has slowed me down, and helped me to focus a little more on my craft business.  Believe it or not, right now my crafts are not the main part of my business - alterations are.  I don't know how long I'll be able to keep them up... right now I'm spending a lot of time for a little money... but I am hoping that by the time school starts and my time is much more scarce, I will be able to do the alterations much more quickly.  For now, I'm enjoying the process of learning and earning some $ in the process.

AND, the coolest thing, is that I've been asked to MAKE a shirt... something I really want to do anyway.  Now, before I make one for the client, I will make one for myself in a different fabric.  I can show her what MY almost-original design will actually look like in real life, so she knows what she is buying, and I will be able to tell her with confidence that I CAN make the shirt. 

All in all, life is good right now. 

Except for the pain.  LOL

Blah

Ever have a day when you just feel blah?? Yeah, today is one of those days for me.  I want to sleep... curl up in a tiny tiny ball and pretend that the world doesn't exist.  

Does this mean I'm pregnant?  I don't know.  Part of me is afraid to hope, but part of me is so so so hopeful.  I'm tired, I'm queasy... is it a virus? Is it stress? Or could it be a tiny little Jana or little James, swimming around? 

This question drives me crazy.

Random Question...

I've been doing a lot of cooking of Arabic foods lately...

Would anyone be interested in me putting up some recipes or instructions?

Poor Mr. Beloved

So Mr. Beloved is staying home from work sick again today... he has a high fever (101.?), he has thrown up, and has a horrible headache.  I told him if he isn't better when I wake up, we're going to the doctor.  I'm not sure exactly what is wrong, but I'm thinking it's heat exhaustion.  His job is in a very hot building, the heat index in Indiana has been over 100, and his car isn't air conditioned... I think it was just too hot, he's been drinking too little water, and he did to much. 

Poor Guy.

So my best-laid plans for the week are gone... I can't clean the room my husband is sleeping in (my plan for today), or do a photo shoot with the little girl modeling my hairthings which was my plan for today (hubby may need to go to the doctor.)... I'm not sure I will even be able to go to Walmart to restock my craft supplies...

But as long as the Beloved is better, it's all worth it.

Poor Guy. 

Gettin' Down to Bizness!

Wondering how my craft business is going?  Well, it may not seem like it has been going much of anywhere... I've been really busy doing alterations and such here.  Underneath the craziness, though, I have been making some slow but sure progress.  What have I been doing? Well...

Let me show you.

I've made a new business card/ hairclip holder for my crocheted hair clips.

I made a fun new design for handmade business cards... which I love dearly.  I need to print or order some other ones once I find the business card paper i have... but for now I'm having a blast with these.

My friend came over tonight and we brainstormed ideas for jewelry.  I'd love to know what you think!!

Bracelet #1

 Earing #1

Heart Earring

Double heart earrings - do you think these would look better without the beads?  I'm thinking so...

 Earring #2

Earring #3 - My personal favorite!

 Earring #4

So what do you think?  Which one do you like the most?

Transformation

My life is changing in so many ways, and today the emotional dam finally broke, and I had myself a good healing crying/writing/praying session. 

Life has been crazy, spinning out of control.  The craft business and new friendships and preparations to try to get pregnant have completely overwhelmed me. I made a budget and promptly lost it... no idea where it went.   I've buried myself in Facebook games and mindless activities, hiding from my life and my emotions...

But thank God today is a new day, a new start...

I'm going to make to-do lists for each day this week, with goals for what I want to do.

I'm going to say no sometimes, and make everyone deal with it.

I'm going to make sure to schedule time with God, my husband, and my closest friends.  They are my sources of strength.

I'm going to try and keep things clean so I don't have to feel overwhelmed, because that's really driving me crazy!

On a random note, can you believe I haven't had Diet Coke/Pepsi in several weeks???  I'm so proud of myself for that... slowly but surely getting my body ready for a baby.  And for once, I'm feeling really hopeful about that.