Twice in my life I have been so wound up with uncontrolable stress that I have needed to compulsively organize bins in stores. The first time was right before my wedding (the worst time of my life.) and the second was another day at Walmart.
Yesterday I almost had to do it again.
I feel so fragile right now. I feel like my life is spinning out of control, and so am I. I'm completely behind on my goals for the summer. I have sacrificed productivity to avoid lonliness, but now wish for time alone but can't handle it when it comes.
I'm afraid that I'm pregnant. I'm afraid to believe that I'm pregnant, because what if I'm wrong? Can I handle the pressure of truly hoping for a pregnancy and then getting the period-of-all-hope-is-lost? I want to be pregnant, but I feel unprepared. What the heck does a woman do when she gets pregnant? I need to read the books about the subject, but who has the time?
I want to curl up in a small ball and cry, but the work needing to be done in my life screams at me at the top of it's lungs and I can't ignore it long enough to truly rest.
I can't sleep at night. I sleep late in the day. I waste precious hours fighting to sleep and then more hours losing the fight to wake up.
I really need a vacation, or perhaps this is a delayed result of no happy pills?
I want to ask for help, but the last time someone saw my weak moment, she lost all respect for me. She said cruel and horrible things that I honestly have not been able to forgive. I think somewhere along the way I vowed to never again show weakness to a friend, because I never want to be hurt that way again.
So I badly need help, I feel horribly weak and fragile, but know that reaching out for help is not in any way a possibility.
This bites.
Yesterday I almost had to do it again.
I feel so fragile right now. I feel like my life is spinning out of control, and so am I. I'm completely behind on my goals for the summer. I have sacrificed productivity to avoid lonliness, but now wish for time alone but can't handle it when it comes.
I'm afraid that I'm pregnant. I'm afraid to believe that I'm pregnant, because what if I'm wrong? Can I handle the pressure of truly hoping for a pregnancy and then getting the period-of-all-hope-is-lost? I want to be pregnant, but I feel unprepared. What the heck does a woman do when she gets pregnant? I need to read the books about the subject, but who has the time?
I want to curl up in a small ball and cry, but the work needing to be done in my life screams at me at the top of it's lungs and I can't ignore it long enough to truly rest.
I can't sleep at night. I sleep late in the day. I waste precious hours fighting to sleep and then more hours losing the fight to wake up.
I really need a vacation, or perhaps this is a delayed result of no happy pills?
I want to ask for help, but the last time someone saw my weak moment, she lost all respect for me. She said cruel and horrible things that I honestly have not been able to forgive. I think somewhere along the way I vowed to never again show weakness to a friend, because I never want to be hurt that way again.
So I badly need help, I feel horribly weak and fragile, but know that reaching out for help is not in any way a possibility.
This bites.
1 comment:
I have had a friend turn against me during my weakest moment and it was quite unbearable and shocking. Needless to say, we are no longer friends but I am sorry to hear you also went through something like this. I do hope you are OK, no matter what Jana. Take care of yourself and breathe.
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