Ohana Means...

A long time ago, in a galaxy far away...

I had a group of friends, we called ourselves the Ohana. A group of people with pasts, with baggage, who chose to make a family.  We started out just me & James, Brittany & Phillip, Kim, Andrea, and three kiddos.  We got close, we worked together on my house and made crafts with mod podge and did Bible studies and shared sex tips and I learned about a ton of music artists I hadn't heard of and would up tattooing small children with sharpies and playing in rain.

I trusted them. I loved them. It was intense and amazing and probably some of the best times of my whole life.

Somehow, 9 years later I still can't tell you how, everything shattered. And somehow, though were were all a bunch of grown adults, I have shouldered the weight of the broken Ohana. If I had been better, stronger, prayed more, been more spiritual - somehow, in some way the Ohana would still be whole.  It's all my fault.  Since then, I have resisted connection with anyone and everyone - surface friendships. Walls,  I don't want anyone inside, because they will be worse off when they leave me than when they started.  

That wound has never healed. I've never forgotten what it was like to have an Ohana, and never forgot how deeply it hurt to lose them. I don't hang out after work with coworkers, I stay on the fringes of church, because I know interacting with humans just brings me that much closer to connecting, and connecting - well, you see how that went before.

This week we lost an Ohana member forever, when a drunk driver hit her car.  It was unjust, and unnecessary, and unfair to her three children. The broken remnants of the Ohana gathered together today, at a funeral home. 

New Year, New Life

This year I decided to make a new goal set: Every day this year (aside from possibly during sickness, vacations, etc.) I will complete one goal from each of five categories: Spiritual, Physical, Mental, Social and Creative.  Why five categories? Because I remember someone, long ago, describing your life as a table with legs - strengthen one area while neglecting the others, and everything slides off of your table.  I am a person who gets SUPER overly-focused on one thing, ignores all of the others, and life kinda falls apart. I'm hoping this system will prevent that - even if each "leg" only gets 5 minutes of attention, that leg won't die? (Using this analogy, I have 5 legs, and gangrene in at least one. This is a bit disturbing!)

So what are my goals for January:

Spiritual - Read my Bible every night
Physical - Exercise each day to strengthen my core (even if it is literally one exercise, done once.)
Mental - Watch one ASL lesson per day
Social - Log on to Interpals each day
Creative - Sew each day (even if it is just one stitch.)

Why did I chose these?
I chose sewing because I always look at sewing as a task that requires SOOOO much time and focus - if I'm going to sew I wait to have a long block of time (like, a vacation.)  It really isn't that deep though, so I'm hoping this will help me see sewing as more attainable on days when I don't have 6 hours of time blocked off.

I chose my physical goal because I heard that if your core muscles are weak, it completely screws up everything.  I know this month I will be short on time (scary court hearings coming up) and motivation (snow and cold and yuckiness get to me.) so I thought some exercises I can do here and there between tasks would be perfect!

I chose my social goal because I know that if I log on to Interpals, the penpal replies I have will rope me in and the next thing you know, I'll have replied to all my pals!  I feel like this is a bit of a cop-out, because the social area of my real life is consistently neglected and by far the most likely to fall apart - but I just don't feel like I have it in me to do a goal that requires more of me this month. This area is such a struggle for me - an area where I have absolutely no confidence, and always feel like I'm inadequate. So this month I will start with something fun, and next month maybe I will move on to something with the real people in my life - intimacy with my husband, keeping connected with old friends, communicating with one family member per day, etc. Right now though the thought of any of those makes me so anxious I feel physically sick.

I chose my mental goal because I really would like to take my ASL 2 class again, for the 3rd time, and finish it feeling like I'm ready to ASL 3.  I've tried watching an ASL video each day for the past 2 months, and invested a lot of time and energy with literally no gains. My vocabulary level is so low that I can't actually get anything out of the videos yet, so I am just spinning my wheels and getting frustrated.  I'm hoping that if I go back to the basic videos, I will be be learning more words in the same amount of time each day.

Spiritual... I honestly struggled with this goal more than the rest.  Why? Because I wanted it to be something reasonable, attainable, and daily - not "pray until I feel right with God" (that could take five minutes or hours,and I might not have hours that day!) or "go to every church service available" (that's not daily.) or even "read a devotion each morning." (Sometimes I wake up late, or the cat vomits on the throw rug, or I completely forget a morning appointment, or....)  I'm not really feeling like I got that goal "right" but I have 30 days to figure out a new goal, so... whatever.

AEDM Day 17 - Inside

I designed this picture, wanting to capture my rage... but instead I think I caught a glimpse of something deeper. Down far underneath the confidence and charisma, you find darkness. Mistakes and shame, inferiority and self-loathing. A thousand negative voices screaming all the ways I don't measure up.

Yet in the midst of that is my heart, full of love and passion, breaking for the needs of so many. It keeps me going, even when I want to give up.

AEDM Day 9 - Hope

Today I started out planning to work on how hair looks so I could attempt a collaged design of a woman with her hair... and ended up instead making an elf.  Well, sometimes life takes us in directions we don't expect, huh?!

I decided to name her hope, because after a day of my anxiety and fear warring against my faith and hope - faith and hope won out.  

AEDM Day 8 - Links

Worked some more on my scarf today, while enjoying more time in nerd-vana with friends, watching Blizz-con and then the Walking Dead, playing World of Warcraft and Hearthstone,...  My mouth is broken out from habenero hot sauce I ate yesterday, I'm so exhausted I could almost fall asleep typing this, but altogether it has been a great weekend.  Good times with good friends - and a distance between myself and the things stressing me out.  Definitely just what the doctor ordered!  (No poetry today, I need to get to sleep.)

AEDM Day 7 - Darkness and Light

AEDM Day 7 was much better than day 6, probably due to the 11 hours of sleep I got last night!  Had a draining week this week, and I feel like the contrast between the light and cheerful paper beads I made today (which I think will end up being part of a necklace...) and the black jacket they are on are rather symbolic.

The war against seasonal depression continues to rage.  I'm not sure if my life is more stressful than normal or if I am not handling it as well, but either way I'm struggling.  Pondering going to the doctor for medication but not sure it is worth the risk of side effects, Yet,

In spite of all of the darkness, there is beauty hiding in the midst. Conversations that encourage me, traditions with friends, my favorite flavor of Smirnoff Ice (grape, yummy), warm chili made hotter with habenero hot sauce, cuddles with a baby, being claimed by small children as "MINE" and don't you dare say I belong to you instead, the bond with my cat mysteriously deepening, music set just for creating...

Life is good. Genuinely, amazingly, beautifully good.  In the darkest of night, the bright lights sparkle all the brighter.

Darkness and Light

Darkness descends

I feel my way, depression a weight on my feet

I struggle, trying to peer through the darkness

My feet a vague shape in the black night

I trip, my hands dirty and cold from the mud

My clothes and skin torn by thorns I can't see

A moment of frustration,

I lift my head to curse at the heavens

And see a sky full of stars 

The beauty of the heavens, there all the time

Hiding above my glance

AEDM - Day 6 - Sleepy Scarfing

So my crafting mission for day 6 did not go as planned. I laid down, told myself I was just going to sleep for a little nap... and woke up about 5 hours later.  After midnight.  After all my goals for the day (Spanish every day at Duolingo - I was on a streak of about 48 days of faithfully learning Spanish, AEDM, writing a poem...) were all past their deadline.

I'm really serious about my goals this time, however, and chose not to let my setback take me back.  I got up this morning, went to my weekly Dungeons & Dragons game, and started working on a scarf I had started a while back.  I got a lot done, and then managed to leave my book with the pattern at home when I dropped off my D&D stuff and went to a friend's house for the rest of the weekend.  Oh well, maybe my husband will get it when he goes home to feed the cats tomorrow.

Determination

Struggling day after day

Clawing your way upward

Obstacles coming into your path

Stones falling 

Bloodied hands

Each inch gained a small miracle

AEDM Day 5 - Mirrors, Mirrors, Everywhere!

I want to hide, to sleep

Running as fast as I can

From the darkness inside me

Today I added to yesterday's attempts at a mirror, and started one in watercolor.  Tomorrow I leave for a weekend with friends, and will not be bringing any paints with me - I may attempt mirrors with colored pencils and a sketch pad and some templates for the design I want to do on the mirror, or I may not.  Who knows.

Had a pretty crappy day, so I'm not really in the mood to post anything deep. I think I'll go snuggle with the hubby and at least watch the beginning of V for Vendetta.  Remember, remember, the 5th of November!