Still alive

Wow. It has been so long since I blogged. Lots of reasons for that - worries that my blog will be used against me in court at work... emotionally worn out from spending so much time connecting with others... and general avoidance of the areas in my life that could use some help or growth.

But I really miss having a "tribe", so I have been tossing around the idea of blogging again.  First though, I need to give you all some updates about life here. 

1. I have been at my job for over a year now! I love it when I have time to really connect with my clients, but the system has us overloaded with cases and red tape to the point that it is hard to find time.

2. I have really been struggling with infertility. If we can't get pregnant, my husband may not be willing to foster like I dream of, and that is hard as hell for me to swallow.

3. I am feeling drawn to connect with people - really connect. I generally hide inside myself, carefully guarding what comes into and out of me. The journey to connect will certainly be... interesting.

4. I have been pondering the motives I have for never getting my house clean, and how having a messy house gives me a "sheild" against letting people into my life. Deep deep stuff.

Soooooooo now I am wondering - what is new in your life?

AEDM Day 5

A friend at work basically told me the project I made yesterday was not art, because it didn't express my feelings. After I restrained my inner child, I pondered what feelings art might look like.

Today was a pretty bad day at work, and my mood was black. Anger in me, heartbreak in others, depression in coworkers... My feelings were not the happiest. Oh well, black feelings are probably the funnest to draw.

At the end, even the kitten jumped in (literally) and joined the fun.

Save the Drama...

for your mama.

Today's question at Wishcasting Wednesday is: "What Rules Do You Wish to Make or Break?"

I wish I could break the rule in my head, the one that binds me and keeps me in situations (specifically jobs) where I take abuse, again and again and again... and believe i have ot take it. Maybe my rule is that good girls have to take it... when the coworker insults me, I take it... I don't have the power... I'm trapped by my finances...

Whatever.

As my job draws to a close (thank you GOD - 7 workdays left!) I am amazed at how much I've taken since starting here. I'm shocked and a little sickened to discover just how much of my heart and soul has been sucked out by this job... how heartless others have been, how insulting and demeaning and just completely sick and twisted...

And sick inside to look in the mirror, and see that I really thought I wasn't even worth the effort of fighting back for. Now I'm watching a coworker take on the role of scapegoat in my place... it just makes me sick inside. I see, in retrospect, how my confidence and love of my job was stripped away, one insult at a time... one snide comment... one humiliation...

I want to break the rule that tells me not to fight back. I want to bite with my sarcastic comments right on time, and yell back when I'm yelled at. I want to stand my ground, plant my feet, and say "this is ALL that I will take from you. BACK OFF."

Crossroads

I'm at a crossroad in my life... a million different decisions to make... a million different paths to walk on...

And I'm terrified. Loosing my job has opened up several possibilities to me... the chance to go to school, the chance to try and start my own craft business, or the chance to give my soul back to corporate America and loose myself in it's depths of soulless mind-numbing evil. (I have, as you may tell from my phrasing, not chosen the last option.)

The stress of this much change, of this many decisions, of this many things I feel unqualified to decide about... it's completely overwhelming right at this moment. I want to hide, deep deep deep deep deep inside myself... I want to wait for someone else to make a decision for me, or other doors to close, so I don't have to make a choice.

But that's ridiculous... so I'll just figure something out. And until then, I'll cry a lot, and feel extreme anger... and deal. LOL

So many choices...

I had been so excited about "giving corporate America the finger" after I lost my job, and going to school to get my social work degree...

And then I heard about another job possibility. It's similar to what I'm doing now - high workload, job isn't finished when you go home at night... but in a more laid-back atmosphere, with more interaction with human beings... which is WONDERFUL and exciting!

So what do I do? Do I risk it all, hoping to make a living selling crafts in a horrible economy, and hoping everything goes through okay so I can enroll in college? Or do I take the safe route, sell my soul back to corporate America, and pray this new venture is better than the one before?

Can I change to this new job and still take classes? Does it allow flexibile enough hours for me to do so? What are their expectations of me? Will I be able to find a reliable person to help me sell at craft fairs, especially if I have to be at work on Fridays?

Lots of questions... but you know what? No matter where my path leads, I know good things are in store... no matter how much bad there is, there is ALWAYS good to look forward to.

A Difference

Today's question at Wishcasting Wednesday is: "Where do you wish to make a difference." This seems like an awesome question for me today, as I had my meeting for "displaced" employees this afternoon... seeing the other employees who were cut was pretty traumatic, but one very very very good thing happened:

I found out that I CAN take college classes WHILE drawing unemployment. In fact, because I am "displaced," they may even help PAY for my classes!!!

Suddenly I actually have the tools at my fingertips to accomplish my dream - to become a social worker, and make a difference!

CAN one person make a difference? Yes, I wholeheartedly believe they can. One person, being kind to a person from another country, can make a difference toward world peace. One person, being generous to another, can cause a ripple of generosity to spread and make the world a little less selfish. If even one child is given a word of encouragement when life seems like more than they can take, when they feel like it's impossible to overcome the obstacles in their way, or when everyone else is telling them it's not even worth trying... generations of children to come can be affected.

Do I feel strong enough for this? No. I feel completely inadequate. I am terrified of huge caseloads and broken children slipping through cracks. I'm worried that I'll become overwhelmed by the pain of those around me, or frustrated beyond repair by adults who can't see the damage they do to each other and their children. But for this moment, I'm chosing to give it a shot, and to show love and encouragement to as many children as I can for as long as I can take it. Maybe it is just a tiny drop in the gnormous bucket of abuse... but it's one more drop than there would be without me.

Dishclothing My Way

So, my last day of work is officially May 15th now. I have my letter from the university, materials about what happens next, and.... a plan.

I've decided that corporate America seriously bites and has drained large amounts of my soul. If there is ANY possible way to avoid another job working for The Man, I'm gonna give it a shot.

What does that mean for the future? Well, several ideas have come to mind, most of which are not yet ready to be aired on this blog. One, however, is ready for sharing:

I want to try and really make a business out of my art and crochet.

As phase 1 of this plan, I plan to try and stockpile items so that I can begin selling at local craft fairs. As I stockpile them, I'll put some in a local vintage market to see what sells there as well. I'll see what people like and don't like, and change what I make accordingly.

Right now, I'm focusing on dishclothes. I've been focusing on them for a while, and have made a ton of dishclothes. I've made them in many colors, many textures, using many patterns... I've made plain squares, attempted a circle, and created flower and butterfly shaped dishclothes. I've given a lot away though, which means that after all of this crocheting, I have a stockpile of only 17 dishclothes. My goal is to have a stock of at least 50 before I move onto making new items.

I really want to make a progress bar on my blog for this... does anyone know where I can find one? I've searched all over creation... no luck.

Okay, I'm going to go watch a stargate episode and make some dishcloths now. Have a lovely day everyone, and thanks for reading! :)

Where Do I Go From Here?

Today I got big news - the university I work at has been talking about layoffs for some time. Originally they were going to announce the layoffs over Spring break. (March ish.) Then they were going to announce the layoffs in Feb. Today my boss took me out for lunch... and told me the university had decided to eliminate my position. It wasn't personal, they didn't look at the people in the positions, they just looked at which one seemed least essential and cut it.

I have until June 30.

I should probably be upset... but I'm not. I almost broke when a coworker looked like he wanted to cry when he told me how sorry he was... I teared up when I found out my boss had went to my friend and coworker while I was in class, to tell her I would be needing a friend today... and when I found out my supervisor had told the same friend how proud she should be of me, for handling it in a professional manner, no tears or emotions - business as usual the rest of the day.

I've had a lot of drama at this job - good drama, bad drama, in-between drama... I've loved this job, hated this job, and everything in between...

But I'm TOTALLY ready for something new. I'm not sure what direction my life will take - where I will work, what I will do. Due to beaurocratic red tape, I may not be able to take classes this semester. I can't say where the next chapter in my journey will take me... will I use the unemployment period to look for a great job, really focus on getting an art business started? Will God maybe open a door for my husband and I to travel abroad as English teachers? (How fun would that be?!) Could I start a business tutoring people in English? Will I maybe end up pregnant, and need the time to take care of myself during my pregnancy? Who knows! The possibilities... are limitless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next step - talk to HR, find out more about my situation. Find details about the severance packages, etc. Keep an eye out for "the perfect job". Make my resume - really focus on updating my office skills - and make LOTS of art. I haven't unpacked my Mod-Podge. I have crocheted some, but I have not really put my heart into any artwork. I have a box I absolutely ADORE, and should make like 6 more similar to. Why haven't I done that already?? I have learned to do some basic needlework, and can really have fun making, renovating, and embellishing kids clothes.

Really, truly, the possibilities ARE limitless.

Powerless

Sometimes life throws you for a loop, watches you hit the ground with a loud *splat*, and laughs as you writhe in pain.

My work life is a little like that right now.

I'm trying to take a step back from my emotions lately, and ask "what can I learn from what I'm feeling?" It's been deeply therapeutic... but... on this, I have no idea where to go. In the course of one day, I went from doing one person's job to two persons' jobs, while also being told I would also be running errands for a staff member with an axe to grind.

If I say I can't get everything done, I'm whining.
If I keep quiet and can't get everything done, I'm incompitent.
If I point out that the staff member who asked for my "assistance" just wanted to punish me because she didn't get a promotion because my friend did, I'm bitter and angry.

I feel completely powerless.

In general, I love my job. I love being where I can have at least some minimal interaction with students from around the world. I love working in an office that supports all kinds of activities for student groups. I love the people I work with (with one exception), and am really and truly shocked that this was allowed to happen in front of the entire office staff. I have no intention of quitting my job, so I'm setting some limits for myself:

No working late without pay.
No working through lunch without pay.
No worrying about work when I leave the job - I can't meet expectations that are completely ludicrus.

I WILL do my best work each day... but I do not have the time nor the motivation to sell my soul to a job. I have a career I'm working toward and classes I'm taking. I have a husband and a household to keep up with. I have body that we're working to help be healthy so that a child can grow inside it. I will NOT give myself gray hairs, ulcers, or other health problems just to try and meet impossible expectations. I will not fill my body with toxic chemicals (caffine) in order to accomplish more tasks in less time, nor will I fill my soul with toxic emotions that affect my physical and emotional health.

And I'll take an honest look at my job - what I'm doing and how I'm doing it - to see what I can improve. Are there things I can do to make my work more efficient? Am I wasting time on tasks that are low priority instead of focusing on the priority tasks? Am I wasting time because things are not organized in my office realm? What can I change in my work life to accomplish more in the limited time I'm given each day?

In the end, I alone have the true power over my job.

Ugg.

Is it better to have a job that you know you can do and do well, so that every day you leave feeling like you are the queen of the world, or a job where you are so deeply challenged that you leave every day thinking "Holy crap, I completely and totally SUCK!"?

Work, quite honestly, is sucking right now. It feels like centuries since I've received a compliment of any kind, the supervisory personnel are on this new "shorten the time it takes" kick, at the same time they are adding new responsibilities, and every day this week I've left my job with my head down, wondering why I can't make this job work. I've been in trouble this week for items not being done fast enough, for looking angry in a meeting, and for sounding too emotional in e-mails. (Which, now that I think about it, may be a miscommunication - a comment or two sent to the supervisor, which she thought was sent to others. Must explain that later.)

I'm just feeling really low today... worrying that I won't have a job to go back to, that I'm just not up to the standards of this department.

Enough wallowing... time to form a plan. What can I do about the people I work with who are causing these problems? Nothing. What can I do about feeling like I completely suck and have no worth? A LOT.

Since I feel like every area of my life is in chaos at the moment, I'll begin by setting some small goals for myself in my outside-of-work life, and accomplishing them. Cleaning up certain areas of my office, for example. I will give myself a facial tomorrow, and dress extra-nicely next week - not for the office's benefit, but for my own... so that I can hold my head up high. I'll work this weekend to get ahead on my homework, so that I can stop worrying about that. I'll make a new budget for us for the month of April, so that our finances are in order.

And I'll pray... that I myself will have a right attitude, and do my absolute best job each day - and if others are being unfair, or treating me in a way that they shouldn't, that their actions would be revealed for what they are.

While I pray, I'll remember that I'm not at this job to make friends or be popular. I'm at this job for two reasons: to get my education at 85% off, and to pay my bills. I can take a LOT of crap to get my education and pay my bills.

Time to make my little to-do list and accomplish some things! AFTER my inner child and I color a picture.

Sad Today

So today I'm feeling sad, and angry... not really sure why.

Is it the holidays? Probably... but added to it is the fact that today was one of those days where I could not do ANYTHING right. A coworker lost confidence in me. The temp hired by our department may be promoted to a position above me, since I don't have my degree. I asked my Spanish-speaking coworker if we could speak Spanish occasionally, and she replied as she would to a small, slightly retarded child.

I just want to sit and quietly cry my eyes out... but I have no idea what is REALLY wrong that's why I'm so sensitive to all of this. I know that anything that even mildly reminds me of homes and hugs and love makes me wanna break into happy emotional tears...

And now, even in the time I've taken to type this, the mood has started to pass... wierd, eh??? Met up with some old friends on Facebook, read a funny story on a Spanish-learning website, and starting to break out of my funk.

Moods are weird.

Back at Square One

So, after a week of keeping the faith and all...

Here I am, again, in the mullygrubs.

I'm still sick, and Thanksgiving is two days away. I have GOT to get better!! Cousin Amy might be moving across the US, and I wanna see her first! The sinus infection is mostly gone, having left some fun bronchitis in it's stead.

I have paid my heat bill, and the heat is supposed to be turned on and my pilot light lit sometime today. Unfortunately, I had to go through minor hell yesterday to get it...

*scene fading to yesterday*

Work yesterday was hell. Shortstaffed, blah blah blah... by the time I got off work, ALL I wanted to do was lay down and sleep. Unfortunately, life didn't happen that way. A friend came over with a flat tire. I took her with me as I ran errands, and then brought her to her job, after stopping at McDonalds. McDonalds, BTW, screwed up everything I ordered. So badly, in fact, that they ended up giving me back all of my money, and remaking all of my food. I went home to wait to pick up the aforementioned friend from work. She was going to borrow my car, run to her mommy's house in another town to pick up a tire, and come back. Greeted my hubby, gave him hugs, made him load laundry into his car, and picked up my friend. Came home to get James's car to take to the laundrymat, shut the cat's tail in the door (owwie!), blah blah blah...

Went to the laundromat, completely exhausted, because we were out of clean clothes. James had worked a 12 hour shift and had to be back awake at 3AM, so it fell to me to do the laundry. Fine, okay, great. Got home at 9 ish, brushed my teeth, changed into jammies, and went to bed.

Couldn't sleep. Where is my car? Why is my friend taking so long? blah blah blah... my thoughts were whirring. I didn't realize HOW late my friend was supposed to work, so by 1:30AM I was wide awake, putting on my jacket, and going to look for her.... when she came in. *sigh.* She'd just gotten off work, grabbed clothes, and came straight over. I felt like a moron.

Went to bed, slept like a baby. woke up, came to work... brought my friend with me because she had a class here on campus, then was going back to my house to wait for the furnace man. Except the key wouldn't work in the door of my house. SO... after being verbally lashed out at by a virtual stranger here at work, FOR DOING MY JOB... I had to leave work. I was in tears... I had to admit that my gas had been shut off because I was so poor, and then a stranger was ranting, and I was still exhausted...

And now, it's lunchtime. I have piles of work waiting for me when I come back, a meeting I've put off with my boss since yesterday (because other people are gone, I've been doing two people's jobs... while trying to do my own too!), and so on and so forth....

I'm keeping the faith...

But do you mind if I keep some alcohol too?

I DID IT!!!!!

Tonight, I had dance class....

And I did it right!!!!!!!!

I struggled, A LOT, but in the end I danced and I danced and I got the dance RIGHT! My instructor gave me compliments, TWICE!!!!!!!

In all honestly, life has been really hard lately and my self-esteem has flat-lined... it seems like every area of my life is in chaos... I can't do things right in any of them. My house is a mess, I can't seem to get things done fast enough at work (we have a horrible backlog... the person before me died in like... June? lots of work to catch up on), the bills are out of control, and so on and so forth...

But one little thing, done right, made me feel like a million bucks, and I am SO holding on to that.

OH! And I did a turn, without trouble! I was the first girl to get it right! Hehe that rocked too.

Happy Job Thoughts!

So, I decided to give you all a quick list of the great things happening at my job (the not-great things will remain unspoken, due to legal issues concerning work & blogging), because to be quite honest, the perks ROCK!!!!

I composed a top 5 list!

Top 5 Reasons Why Jana Loves Her Job:

5. Nerds!!!! - One of the student workers is a fellow OCD nerd!!!!! We are having fun chats! NERDS OF THE WORLD, UNITE!!!!!!

4. Databases - After 8 years not being able to play with databases (which I dearly love doing), I now have the task of making a majorly awesome database!! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

3. Spanish practice - my supervisor is from Spain, and as soon as I get my courage up, (I'm shooting for tomorrow) I plan to start speaking Spanish to her some each day!!!

2. Classes - Today I officially applied to take two classes next semester, which I receive at an 80% discount! I declared my major as Social Work, and my minor as Education (haven't decided what ages yet.) Monday I'll know if I'm accepted!

And the top reason I love my job is.....

*dramatic drum roll*

1. THE LIBRARY!!!!!!!! - The campus library not only has a ton of books by J.D. Robb, my current fave author... it also has SEASON DVDs of shows like MASH, Law & Order, and STAR TREK VOYAGER... AND it has computer games and video games (PS2, PS3, not sure what else)!! It even has 2 Law & Order computer games... HOLY CRAP. I think I'm in love. Can I just live in the library, please?

Life Update

For those of you who are wondering how life is going here... a few quick updates:

*My mother-in-law had a dream that we are having a baby boy... getting pregnant sometime within the next year, judging by the ages of my nieces and nephew. We'll see how that works.

*Everything is making me sick yet again. Before you get all excited, this has happened time and time again with no baby resulting. *shrug* Weird stuff.

*I feel wrong putting job rants on here... if you want updates, you can ask me in e-mail... but I feel very weird ranting about it in the blog, so I won't be anymore. So you know, a lot has been going on... A lot that as I stated in my last post, which I am removing, I felt like I shouldn't put online. Soooooo... before you judge me as ungrateful or whiny or whatever, please keep in mind that I haven't told you any of the facts lol

*I accidentally taught my friend's 6-year-old boy to say "douche-bag". Again. *sigh* Really gotta watch my vocabulary around that kid.

*Cheese sticks = Heaven I'm sure of it.

*My sister-in-law's baby shower is next weekend, and I'm so excited! I bought a car seat for her, the infant kind with the base that the seat detaches from so you can carry it easily, a Graco brand seat, for $14 at a yard sale today. I also bought some baby clothes... and since my mother-in-law has accurately dreamed her other 3 grand babies, including genders and even one name, I indulged myself and threw some newborn baby boy clothes into the fill-a-bag-for-twenty-five-cents bag. :o)

*We're trying to get some activities started for "My Kids" again... I'm excited. (For those of you who don't know, My Kids are what I call a kid's ministry we do in a poorer town near here... we'd like to start some tutoring and other things like that for them eventually, but for the moment we mainly reinforce moral basics -don't steal or kill your siblings, etc. - and give lots of hugs and try to boost their self-esteem. I also randomly teach them to crochet, which makes them feel happy inside... and makes me feel happy inside. Warm fuzzies all around!!!!!!! lol)

Now it's bedtime, and I need to get some sleep... adios everyone, and a wonderful night to you all.

I HAVE A NEW JOB!!!!!!

I start Monday at the job I interviewed for... I'm so excited!!!!!

I'll have more details for you all later! Right now, I need to get back to work.

Thanks Tammy V.... you rock.

Insensitive

Today was probably one of the worst workdays I have had in a very long time... and it leaves me wondering how people can be so insensitive.

I started out my day by a coworker loudly pointing out something I had done wrong, and then reminding them that if she had not been gone the day before, it wouldn't have happend. As I thought more about it, it was not really my fault at all, and actually kind of her fault... And combined with some other things, I just was really upset by it.

Fast forward to later, when all four of us temps were sitting around waiting for a meeting to start... we got on the subject of religion. (and no, I did NOT bring it up... we were talking about bread, which lead to Amish bread, which lead to Amish, and so on.) They began to talk about churches that don't believe in certain things... and then, they began to talk about the Pentecostals.

Did I mention that I'm Pentecostal? Yeah. The kind with long hair and a skirt? Yeppers, that's me. BY CHOICE, not cause some manipulative pastor said to. (No, you don't have to agree, it just is important to my tale.)

So as I sit there, with my uncut hair, they start to ridicule the idea that people believe cutting their hair is wrong... "Well, some people just need something to believe in... *eye roll*"... "Yeah, strength from hair, hahahahahahahahahahahahaha"....

I felt SO uncomfortable... I mean, what kind of people, one of which considers herself to be my friend, would make fun of my religion like that? Especially in a workplace?! I felt SO out of place... It was a horrible feeling... really horrible. I wanted to hide and quietly slink out... but of course I didn't.

People can be so thoughtless... *sigh*

Jana's Life Today

Today I finally have some spare time!!!!! Wooooooo! Time for a blogpost, and then some fun bloghopping!

Some random life updates:

*I have my own cube at work, for the moment. I have new cube-neighbors, who like pancakes with peanut butter and maple syrup. How much better could my life be?

*I have found out that my library has Microsoft product tutorials online! My knowledge is increasing.

*I think both Simba and Nala kittens are males. Anyone have a good re-naming suggestion for Nala? He seems too little to be a Mustafa... He needs a little African man name...

*Today I am okay with not having a baby yet.

*I'm having a BLAST with Shelley's online Collage Workshop... I collaged yesterday about "oughts"... who I OUGHT to be, or who others think I ought to be, and so on. I want to scan the collage for you all, and share... hopefully soon. I also collaged/journaled about the baby thing... enlightening.

*Last night I watched Heroes, and OMW it ROCKED!!!!! Did any of the rest of you watch it? What did you think??? Is Hiro not just SO freaking hawt????? And Sylar... OMW... Sylar... *swoon* And Mohinder... *happy sigh* What did you all think of Peter's whole fixing/breaking the past/future thing? And Matt... how did he end up in the desert? Did I miss something? And who is the Nikki/Jessica look-alike girl?

Wow.

That's all I can say to describe my life at the moment. Let me break it down to you in neat little bullet points:

*I started my period today. Another month of no babies. *sigh*

*The new job is sporadically busy. I spent the morning doing a little bit of work, looking unsuccessfully for more work, and then chatting with Jami and doing some Microsoft Excel tutorials from my library's website. I spent the afternoon with a crapload of suddenly-appearing work, and worked 20 minutes late.

*I have a love/hate relationship with being a temp. I love learning new skills and working with new programs. I hate being refered to as "the temp" and treated like I have terminal stupidity. I love meeting the new people... which reminds me:

*Today I did not eat alone. In happy news, that is because a coworker sat with me to chat. In unhappy news, I had to put down a REALLY good book to participate in the chat. In happy news, another person also looked for me at lunchtime to sit with me. (But didn't see me, because I was in a corner of the cafeteria.) It seems, much to my shock, that people are liking me in spite of my deeply anti-social tendencies.

*I have two extra-specially fun coworkers. One is my twin... she is cynical, and has a dark sense of humor and deep well of inner anger. She wants to be a foster mommy, and will be taking classes soon. The second one is a paranormal investigator, and a psychic. SHE ROCKS!!!

*I have decided that I am officially undecided about who to vote for in the presidential election at the moment. I need to head back to the websites and check out the candidates' current plans and promises (aka, lies.) I looked earlier today and was impressed by McCain's plan to get our country out of debt, and less than impressed by Obama's financial plans... Obama seems to want to spend a lot, and I consider that dangerous considering our government's current economic state (bailout after bailout...). Obama does, however, have plans for stopping tax breaks for companies relocating overseas, and reward companies that do keep their operations here. (Go Obama!!!!!) I notice that McCain seems to have no problem with companies relocating overseas, and I am deeply annoyed by that. Altogether though, McCain's plan to balance the budget by the end of his term is a bit unbeatable... and so, on the subject of the economy (and ONLY on the subject of the economy at this point) McCain is worthy of my thumbs-up. *giving a thumbs up*

What do YOU think about how our presidential candidates plan to treat our economy?

A JOB!!!!!!!

Well, I am officially employed again!!!! I have a "long-term temp" assignment, at a company about ten minutes from my house. I start tomorrow (actually, since it's 1AM, I start TODAY lol) and it pays only a little less than what I was making before.

So, rather than analyze the job, I'm just gonna jump in... see how it goes....

And now I need to get back to sleep. You know your anxiety is bad when it wakes you up before the Ny-Quil wears off! But that's okay... it's time for another dose!

I love NyQuil. *happy sigh*