Progress Report

Thought I'd give some random updates:


*We're still working on getting the house cleaned and organized... will it ever end??? LOL I've gotten rid of so much of the old roomate's stuff, which has helped A LOT. I've given a lot away on freecycle and still have some stuff to take to Goodwill. I really need to go through my art supplies... I have so much stuff... and I hate to throw stuff out, knowing I might want it later. BUT... I have so much stuff that I can never find anything, and that is more frustration than it's worth... so... tonight I'll begin using up stuff so I don't have to throw it away!! LOL I'm so bad.

*I bought a new camera. I feel guilt for spending the $$$, but at the same time I will use it so much that it is worth it to me. Far cheaper than getting film developed or making copies of other people's pics. I'm also going to enter some photo contests, and hopefully *crossing fingers* win back some of the money I spent.

*I've been insanely emotional this week, for no explainable reason. I've moped around like a teenage emo-kid, and cried at random intervals. I feel like the house is never going to get clean... and as I spend my time trying to get caught up on that, the back yard is becoming a wilderness again. I also haven't made any art, and my inner child is becoming very sad. (Probably the reason for my emo-ness. I must appease her!)

*My back is better but still not totally healed. Yesterday I made it the whole day without any pain pills!!!! Yippee!!!! Today is not going quite as well... i walked to work again (day #3 of this week) and my back was hurting really badly by the time I got in to work. No idea why.

*I set a record high weight yesterday *sigh* Scales suck!!!!

*I'm almost crocheting a baby blankie for my new nephew!!! I never thought I could have the patience to finish even a baby blankie.... i'm so proud!!!!

*I managed to fry the middle finger of my right hand... more about the "Flautas of Death" will be on our Foodie Blog tonight, after i get the pics (of the flautas, not of the burns... the burns look gross.) loaded onto my computer.

*Today at work, I was discussing my emotional-ness with a coworker... and got the second vote-of-approval for the natural me. She and my husband both like me better unmedicated... which surprised me. Emotionalness and all... they still love me. That really moved me.

*James found the fuel system I need to make my glass bead-making kit work, and it is CHEAP!!!!!!! I'm so excited!!!!! It will be my reward for having a clean house! WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO!

Tuesday In Randomness

Today, my brain is tired and I don't feel like delving into my heart and soul to find something meaningful to post about. So, I'll just give you some random updates on my life:

*~* I have been SO hungry today!!! All I want to do is eat. It's driving me crazy.

*~* We are officially a one-car family at the moment. We tried to fix the water pump on James's car (about 3 weeks ago), but in the process of fixing that, we messed up the timing on it... spent two weeks taking it all apart and putting it back together again, TWICE, to try and fix the timing... finally yesterday a mechanic looked at it and fixed it real quick. Today, James left for work, drove about 15-20 minutes, and the car overheated and died. *sigh* Poor little guy had to walk 2 hours to get home. The car is currently waiting for us at a local gas station... after work, we'll drive it home in spurts. (Drive a little, stop to let the car cool down... repeat until home)

*~* I'm wearing a hat today!!!! On anyone else, the hat would make them look like a scary hoodlim, but on me it kinda makes me look like an elf. It's hard to look threatening with a cute wittle nose. Regardless, hats make me happy and I am overjoyed to be wearing mine. :)

*~* I'm currently obsessing about foreign languages, and may start reading blogs in Spanish just for fun. Anyone know a good site to find e-mail penpals?

*~* I feel like all of my life is spent working, and I'm contemplating declaring next week to be a "fun art week" where I'm not allowed to make any vases or ornaments. Those are starting to feel A LOT like work, instead of something fun that I can pour myself into.

*~* Today is day #9 without happy pills, and guess what? I'm doing just fine. I've had some close calls... almost yelled at James yesterday, but caught myself... reminded myself to pause, relax, and think before I reacted... almost cried at work yesterday, but did the same thing. So far, so good. The main thing I'm noticing so far, is that without happy pills i will need a lot more time to myself. I need "me time" to recharge myself a LOT more without happy pills.

*~*I feel really overwhelmed by how much other people need me right now... but that could just be because right now EVERYONE is needing me. Two people want to claim me every Saturday to be their exclusive friend for that time. I REALLY need time to myself, so I have to figure out a way to tell everyone that. I need a break. It's not that I don't want friends, or don't want to spend time with friends... but my garden is getting all weedy, I haven't had time to plant the beans I wanted too, more poison ivy is sprouting, and I'm going crazy!

Drugs & Decisions

Yesterday I started my period, and all hope of a baby is gone for now. But only for now! We may try again, but one major change that needs to be made first, is the happy pill issue. I need to find out what the risks are to my child if I AM on happy pills during my pregnancy... and I need to find out if I can make it in the world without the pills. Soooooo... for now, I am officially off my happy pills.

Today is day 5 without any happy pills, and I'm doing surprisingly well. I haven't killed my husband, or yelled much, or cried too often. I've been able to sleep okay, and had the energy to get a lot of things done.

A few positive changes:
It is a lot harder to avoid dealing with things that bother me.
I have more nervous energy, which I can channel into productivity!

A few negative changes:
MAJOR PROBLEMS FOCUSING. This is really annoying.
Unstable emotions... I snapped at James today. I cried for no reason.

So I guess for now we know the answer to "where do we go from here." We go off of happy pills, and see what happens. I know that regardless of how much I want to have a baby without taking anti-depressants, I do NOT want to sacrifice my marriage for it. If I see myself hurting James, lashing out at him, filling him with emotional baggage... then we will have to consider other options. We'll investigate the risks of anti-depressants on a pregnancy, and see if we feel right having a child that way. We'll look into adoption or foster care. We might just not have any kids.

Regardless of how many kids I do have or don't have... I have an amazingly blessed life, and it is enough just as it is. I'll be content, no matter what happens.

Oh, and the true test of my new life without happy pills? Tomorrow we are taking my mother-in-law out for lunch. THIS should be interesting.

Roller Coaster Rides & Crash Landings

This week has been the emotional roller coaster ride from Hades. It all started Sunday...

I'd been feeling kinda sick to my stomach on and off since Tuesday, when my friend Jessica came to my house sick. I got up Sunday morning, ate a McGriddle with Bacon (Mmm.... yummy) about 9AM, and laid down to watch movies with James and M, since M & I were both feeling sick. James left to take M home, and about 1:30 I started feeling REALLY WIERD. I felt weak and very shaky, and almost called James to beg him to come home. Instead, I got some leftover noodles and ate them... but didn't feel any better. Ate some more... no better... ate some bread... no better... but eventually the symptoms left.

Monday, it happened again. This time I had just eaten a yummy doughnut, so it wasn't from hunger... and it lasted way longer. We called the doctor and got an appointment... where she immediately asked me a question James and I had been discussing throughout the week... could I be... pregnant? She advised me against taking my anti-depressants, and prescribed me a blood test to see if I truly was pregnant.

And me? I began to panic quietly. And then I began to get a little excited. I browsed a pregnancy book at Walmart, and found out that if I WAS pregnant, my baby would be SO ITTY BITTY! Smaller than a bead. I began joking about a "bead baby."

Through the next 2 days, I alternately spent time panicing and planning... worrying about "what ifs" and dreaming about having a kiddo. I found out my sister in law is pregnant. Two people told me I was gaining weight in pregnant-ish places. (Boobs & belly). I began to hope! I dreamed of telling my mom, on Mother's Day, that she was a grandma.

I alternated between nausea and eating everything in sight. My boobs have been crazy sensitive. I've been tired all the time. My belly has felt wierd... what did that mean? And when the heck was my last period??? For the life of me, I can not remember! Did I have one in April?

Yesterday, I took a blood test to see. I spent my day waiting, wondering. I called the doctor's office to see if they had results, and the receptionist was rude. I sat at my desk and quietly cried. At the end of the day, I called again... the doctor was reading the results right then! Whew. Finally!

I got home, and eventually the phone DID ring. The nurse answered and said:

"Hi Janet, the results of your pregnancy test came back negative, but like Dr. P said, this is not definative. If you are still having symptoms in two weeks, we'll send you for another test."

I sat at my desk and sobbed. I have so many questions... if I AM pregnant, why is the test not showing it? And if I'm NOT pregnant, what the heck is WRONG with me? Since the test showed a negative result, should I go back on my anti-depressants? Since the doctor didn't seem convinced that I'm not pregnant, should I stay off the happy pills? What do I do now?

I went on a crazy cooking spree last night, dashing to the grocery store for ingredients just to get out of the house and think in the car. I cried a little in Kroger, but grabbed my ingredients (Dill weed! I've been wanting that for so long! I have so many recipes calling for it! Woooo hooooo!!) and came home. My hubby met me at home and helped me carry in groceries. We chatted and watched music videos online as I made supper. Made spaghetti & meat sauce, a brushetta from the freezer section, and an amazingly awesome brocolli with yummy sauce.

I guess I'm doing okay, just wondering why, ya know? If I'm not pregnant, why on earth did this happen? I was perfectly content not having kids anytime soon, until I thought I could be pregnant! I made all these plans and dreamed all these dreams... and now? Most likely, they are gone.

But I'm still hoping against hope that there is a little bead-sized baby in me, just hiding for now from the tests. And yes, that probably makes me a bit crazy... but that's okay. I'm strong enough to handle the disappointment if I'm wrong. For now, I'll err on the side of caution. I'm putting up the happy pills and trying to take care of myself. I'll take the next two weeks one day at a time, and see what each day brings.

Therapy & a Poll

Suzie was talking today about therapy at her blog. And ya know what? I wanna talk about it to! So I will.

Today is day #4 without any anti-depressants to tame my anxiety, so now is a GREAT time to discuss anxiety. Remember what happened the last time I stopped taking my meds? Yeah. If that happens again, I will REALLY need some therapy. But for now? I'm a bit edgy, and fidgeting a LOT more... and that's all. No other issues.

But if worse comes to worse, I need a plan.

So, here are some things that I use as therapy:

Professional therapy - I love my therapist. She rocks. I see her about every 3 weeks now, but I think I may bump that down to every 2 weeks, as life is getting a bit more stressful now. She always reassures me that I'm not crazy beyond crazy, and I need to hear that.

Yarn therapy - There is something seriously therapeutic about crocheting a baby hat (or another very easy pattern). I mean, the first time on a new pattern is hard, but after that... it's easy peasy, and your hands are occupied by the motion... soothed by the quiet counting in your mind... Ahhhhhh... *wishing I had yarn at work* When my dad was dying, I crocheted a crapload of baby hats for charity.

Cemetery therapy - I absolutely adore cemeteries. I always try to find one that is old, or has personality... not a new cemetery, with all the stones looking exactly the same (ug. How boring.), but an old cemetery with fun inscriptions and old stones in need of love. The peace in those cemetery absolutely saturates me, calming me and grounding me. Sometimes I take pictures of interesting stones... sometimes I write a poem or draw a drawing (dang. Where DID I put that journal page? I'll have to scan it in later.)... sometimes I just pick an old stone to love.

Music therapy - To reduce my anxiety this week, I've been trying to sing slow songs in my head. Current faves? "Travelin' Soldier" by Dixie Chicks, and "Break Down Here" by Julie Roberts. Whenever I start to feel anxious, I begin to sing a slow song in my head, and feel myself begin to relax. HOW COOL IS THAT?!

I also do general art therapy, hiking, gardening, and other forms of therapy... but the very coolest kind of therapy?

Cuteness therapy!





In the back of my mind, all week, has been the fact that this doggie needs a name. He is the cute yard-buddy of Kujo the Killer Corgi, absolutely cuter than heck and ALL ABOUT THE LUV. OMW. He is my favorite neighborhood doggie friend. And he needs a name. So please vote for a new name for him on the sidebar of my blog, okay? Thanks! :)

2 Days Sans Happy Pills

Yes, I went off my happy pills for a few days to mourn the anniversary of my father's death. I sometimes miss being able to feel, I mean DEEPLY feel, my emotions. So every once in a great while, I skip a day or two, to feel a special event.

So, what did I feel yesterday? I did grieve for a while... I re-read a letter sent to me by one of my ICU-waiting-room-budds when her hubby died... and everything became real again. So often, my father's death seems unreal.. just a very bad dream.

With that exception, I spent the last two days feeling exactly like I did before I started taking the Prozac. And how was that?

Paranoid. Of all of the changes in myself, this was by FAR the most noticeable (and scary.) When my dad was first hospitalized with his stroke, he was delusional and paranoid... his paranoia? He was afraid that the doctors would let him die because he was poor and had no insurance. My paranoia? "Everyone is talking about me behind my back, saying I'm crazy. Everyone thinks I'm crazy. I'm going to loose my job, because they think I'm too crazy to work here. Maybe I AM too crazy to work here. I have flyaways in my hair... I even look like a crazy person!" In fact, today at work, I even compared myself to the crazy cat lady from the Simpsons. Frightening similarities emerged. (We both like cats! Ahhhhhhhhh it's a sign!!!!! lol)

Lack of Perspective - Without my happy pills, EVERYTHING is a big deal. Little things seem just as important as big things. The tiniest remark by a friend or co-worker seems like the biggest deal EVER, when it is TOTALLY inconsequencial.

Inability to "get over it" - Without my happy pills, I can't just brush things off... AT ALL. Minor things get under my skin and just eat at me... and eat at me... until I do something about them.

Insomnia - My mind races, and sleep is next to impossible.

Physical anxiety symptoms - my heart races, breathing can be hard, I'm restless, I can't concentrate...

So now, 2 happy pills later, life is SOOOOOO good. I'm calm, I'm happy, but still clear-headed enough to face my problems.

I can't help but wonder... HOW ON EARTH DID I LIVE LIKE THAT BEFORE PROZAC?!

A Year Ago Today...

I found out that my Dad was not going to get any better. After days of sleeping at a hospital, worrying, wondering why he had two strokes when he was on blood thinners already... the doctors took us back to talk to us. They had a theory, that the Staph A and MRZA infections that Dad was battling were somehow lodged in his artificial heart valve, and sending blood clots to his brain.

I learned that as next of kin, the decisions regarding his care were up to me... less than a week before that time, my Dad had been independant, living alone, taking care of himself... now his fever was outrageous and unable to be lowered, his health was so bad that the doctors couldn't risk replacing his valve. I learned terms like Power of Attorney, chatted with a lawyer...

I had been without my Prozac since Friday... and refused to go home for it. I wanted to FEEL this... I wanted to be able to pray for my dad, talk to him, cry for him. I am SO glad I didn't take my Prozac that week.

I sat in a waiting room, chatting with two women who I will never forget. Both of their husbands were in the hospital, and both were staying in the ICU waiting rooms. One taught me how to crochet cute little hearts... one made me laugh. We worked a puzzle together... chatted a lot... they were SUCH a God-send. (Which, when a lady prayed for me at the start of Dad's ordeal, she had specifically prayed that God would send "Christian fellowship" to me as I waited. And although I don't really know the religions of everyone I met through the ordeal... the prayer was very effective. Without that, I would have cracked for sure.) We had become "hardcore" ICU waiters... handing out pillows and blankies to the "newbies", telling them where things were and how to work the phones...

I had learned how to successfully sponge-bathe in a hospital restroom. While visiting hours were done one day, I rushed to the dollar store and grabbed shower gel and a towel... and washed my hair in the bathroom sink and my body as well.

Note about Today: I'm doing surprisingly well at the moment... Friday I went on a crazy cleaning spree, and so Saturday we got to just relax and hang out here at home... playing Lego Star Wars and enjoying a visit from April the Neighbor. Yesterday we went to church and then to James's Aunt Clara's house... I got to see my NEICE!!!!! I have a NEICE!!!!!!!! She is a year old (long story about that) and absolutely adorable! She's not exactly sure how to feel about Aunt Jana, but I'm pretty sure that giving her food raised her opinion of me quite a bit lol Aunt Clara taught me how to make cavatini, I got to chat with my almost-sister-in-laws, we collaged and just hung out... altogether, I think everyone may be working to keep me busy? (And therefore distracted.)

I've talked to James about this week, and how I'll need his support... he's been great. Life now is good, and last year just seems like a horribly unreal nightmare.