Yes, I went off my happy pills for a few days to mourn the anniversary of my father's death. I sometimes miss being able to feel, I mean DEEPLY feel, my emotions. So every once in a great while, I skip a day or two, to feel a special event.
So, what did I feel yesterday? I did grieve for a while... I re-read a letter sent to me by one of my ICU-waiting-room-budds when her hubby died... and everything became real again. So often, my father's death seems unreal.. just a very bad dream.
With that exception, I spent the last two days feeling exactly like I did before I started taking the Prozac. And how was that?
Paranoid. Of all of the changes in myself, this was by FAR the most noticeable (and scary.) When my dad was first hospitalized with his stroke, he was delusional and paranoid... his paranoia? He was afraid that the doctors would let him die because he was poor and had no insurance. My paranoia? "Everyone is talking about me behind my back, saying I'm crazy. Everyone thinks I'm crazy. I'm going to loose my job, because they think I'm too crazy to work here. Maybe I AM too crazy to work here. I have flyaways in my hair... I even look like a crazy person!" In fact, today at work, I even compared myself to the crazy cat lady from the Simpsons. Frightening similarities emerged. (We both like cats! Ahhhhhhhhh it's a sign!!!!! lol)
Lack of Perspective - Without my happy pills, EVERYTHING is a big deal. Little things seem just as important as big things. The tiniest remark by a friend or co-worker seems like the biggest deal EVER, when it is TOTALLY inconsequencial.
Inability to "get over it" - Without my happy pills, I can't just brush things off... AT ALL. Minor things get under my skin and just eat at me... and eat at me... until I do something about them.
Insomnia - My mind races, and sleep is next to impossible.
Physical anxiety symptoms - my heart races, breathing can be hard, I'm restless, I can't concentrate...
So now, 2 happy pills later, life is SOOOOOO good. I'm calm, I'm happy, but still clear-headed enough to face my problems.
I can't help but wonder... HOW ON EARTH DID I LIVE LIKE THAT BEFORE PROZAC?!
3 comments:
I get lots of symptoms too if I forget to take my pills
I dont think its worth it
thinking of you
praying for you
lots of love
Jen
PS did James spoil u today?
I'm so happy you feel happy and calm, again.
*hug*
Jana,
DO NOT GO OFF YOUR PILLS AGAIN!!!!!
You are on a SSRI, which really screws with your system if you go off it suddenly to "feel" or whatever. You can also get cold-like symptoms and some of the crap you were experiencing.
One time I ran out of my SSRI (Effexor XR). I thought I was gonna go insane, literally. I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy when I got an emergency refill.
Take your pills with a meal, and do it every day. If you think Prozac makes you too numb try something else, but stay on those pills, girl. Or at least ween yourself off them.
You are beautiful, crafty, and wonderful. Don't torture yourself like this....choose your battles. Going off meds is not a battle you need to fight right now.
Amy
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