Living Nightmare

Exhausted, I laid down to sleep
I was transported into another world
One long forgotten

I was a child again
Smal, vulnerable
Terrified

I searched and searched for my mom
Terrified of what I would find
My father said only
That she was in a restaurant
He wouldn't tell me where, or why

I was trapped in a van with him
Powerless
Terrified
Trying to stand up for my mom
But afraid of the consequences
Trying to tell someone, anyone
who would listen and help

I woke up from this nightmare, completely shaken. This was one of the first times since I married my husband that I had to wake him up from a nightmare... and the first time I had to just have him hold me as I cried.  The scene wasn't real... I never wondered if my dad HAD killed my mom.

As an adult, I had pushed the experiences with my dad into the background of my mind... forgetting the terror, the powerlessness I felt knowing I lived with a man who had the potential to kill.   Waking up from that, I feel so shaken.  I have sat and cried... how could I forget the little girl I once was, and the things she had survived to get here?

The feelings from the nightmare were like a tidal wave that I was completely unprepared for.  A tsunami in the middle of a beautiful sunny day at the beach.

How much of the life I have made is just running from the pain of the past, pretending it isn't there?  What else have I forgotten?

Dreams and Dizziness

It's been an eventful few days. My friend's wedding reception was last night, I've been crocheting like crazy until I have a chance to get to Hobby Lobby and buy some boxes to paint or collage and sell, and today is the day my dad died. No plans to do anything today... no car to take to the cemetery or to use an go do a good deed in his name. I feel really numb inside anyway... I'll probably cry later. In the meantime I'll wait for the beloved to come home, and then take him out on a date. *giggle* In other news...

Last night I had a nightmare, for the first time in a long time. (Mainly because I rarely dream.) I went into this old house, one I had been to before, with a group of people. My friend Karima, some girls from church, and others I didn't recognize were there. We went into the house, and I was worried... I remembered being there before, and bad things happening, but nothing specific. When we opened the door, there was another set of doors inside, and between was an older lady wearing a red outfit - I had seen her before, and knew something horrible was happening. The others from the group opened the second door from the right, and I screamed for them to stop! I grabbed Karima and kept her from going, and I screamed as the door shut behind the others, and then there was only silence.

I found myself back at the house again, later, alone this time. I went through the first door to the right, and explored. I found people around me, a soldier, a nerd... there was a "church" where people were sitting, worshipping... a store where they sold New Age stuff and some very cute candles... and dolls without heads. I looked everywhere, and then made my way out... Only to find that the people were at the doors, and wouldn't let me out. Suddenly I was a child, and ran beneath their arms to escape out the door. I ran, and ran... I ran into the woods, and to a house... I grabbed a can of biscuit dough and threw little pieces behind me now and then, and they expanded to slow down the woman behind me. Eventually, I somehow led her to the house of a FBI agent, and woke up safely.

Wierd.

In other news, I had another dizzy spell... the first one I've had in a long while. I had them frequently for a while, but the doctor didn't know what caused them. They stopped a while, started again in September or October, and then started again this week. I had an ear infection, so that might be why... but it was very wierd. I wasn't as dizzy as normal, but I was very weak and VERY shakey... and completely terrified. I cried, and cried, and cried... it was horrible. Finally I ate a Hostess cherry pie, and felt some better (could it be blood sugar?), but was drained all day. Finally feeling better today, just icky because I still have a sinus & ear infection.

Anyway, these are the life and times of the short cute one... what's new in your life?

Wierd...

(I posted this earlier, but accientally posted it to the foodie blog! Oops.)

I just had the wierdest dream...I was Sonic the Hedgehog.

I did the flips, the running, everything! I jumped from one little train track to another, felt the track on my chest when I landed..The scene was dark night, and the tracks glowed in bright colors...

So cool. SO. SERIOUSLY. COOL.

I'm going back to bed now... but when I wake up, I am SO playing Sonic.