Blah

Ever have a day when you just feel blah?? Yeah, today is one of those days for me.  I want to sleep... curl up in a tiny tiny ball and pretend that the world doesn't exist.  

Does this mean I'm pregnant?  I don't know.  Part of me is afraid to hope, but part of me is so so so hopeful.  I'm tired, I'm queasy... is it a virus? Is it stress? Or could it be a tiny little Jana or little James, swimming around? 

This question drives me crazy.

Powerless

Sometimes life throws you for a loop, watches you hit the ground with a loud *splat*, and laughs as you writhe in pain.

My work life is a little like that right now.

I'm trying to take a step back from my emotions lately, and ask "what can I learn from what I'm feeling?" It's been deeply therapeutic... but... on this, I have no idea where to go. In the course of one day, I went from doing one person's job to two persons' jobs, while also being told I would also be running errands for a staff member with an axe to grind.

If I say I can't get everything done, I'm whining.
If I keep quiet and can't get everything done, I'm incompitent.
If I point out that the staff member who asked for my "assistance" just wanted to punish me because she didn't get a promotion because my friend did, I'm bitter and angry.

I feel completely powerless.

In general, I love my job. I love being where I can have at least some minimal interaction with students from around the world. I love working in an office that supports all kinds of activities for student groups. I love the people I work with (with one exception), and am really and truly shocked that this was allowed to happen in front of the entire office staff. I have no intention of quitting my job, so I'm setting some limits for myself:

No working late without pay.
No working through lunch without pay.
No worrying about work when I leave the job - I can't meet expectations that are completely ludicrus.

I WILL do my best work each day... but I do not have the time nor the motivation to sell my soul to a job. I have a career I'm working toward and classes I'm taking. I have a husband and a household to keep up with. I have body that we're working to help be healthy so that a child can grow inside it. I will NOT give myself gray hairs, ulcers, or other health problems just to try and meet impossible expectations. I will not fill my body with toxic chemicals (caffine) in order to accomplish more tasks in less time, nor will I fill my soul with toxic emotions that affect my physical and emotional health.

And I'll take an honest look at my job - what I'm doing and how I'm doing it - to see what I can improve. Are there things I can do to make my work more efficient? Am I wasting time on tasks that are low priority instead of focusing on the priority tasks? Am I wasting time because things are not organized in my office realm? What can I change in my work life to accomplish more in the limited time I'm given each day?

In the end, I alone have the true power over my job.

Don't Panic!

Yes, I am still alive.

*I'm working hard on my classes, and I have A's in both of them.

*Working in the backyard, (aka the land of poison ivy), without thinking about covering up my skin... *sigh* I was planning to only work in the front, but I had to take the leaves and such to the compost area in the back yard... and found myself working on the weeds back there. This will probably be something I'm regretting in just a few days.

*Falling and making owwies... fell down a flight of stairs this week while doing the volunteer work required for my intro to social work class. Made a large bruise on my arm, skinned and bruised my elbow, bruised my tailbone, and jarred my back. All in front of one of the kids there... *still embarassed*

*Feeling annoyed that a former coworker is causing a lot of problems for my office, and I have to be involved in the drama. Save the drama for your mama!!!!!!! I don't want it.

*Planting lots and lots and lots of veggies in my gardens. So far I've planted lettuce, cabbage, brussel sprouts, broccoli, argula, and green onions. Tomorrow's list includes another type of lettuce, cauliflaur, and some other kinds of greens. I really want to grow some bok choi, gotta see if the seed store has that. Bok choi is cool.

*Staring at the wall above my computer, and realizing a Christmas decoration is hanging up there. How on earth have i not noticed this before? It's MARCH!!!!

*Worrying that I have lice. That is the very bad part about working with kids... kids = lice. *sigh* I need to find someone who knows how to look for lice. I wonder if my hubby knows?

*Working on our taxes. All done except I have to put our property taxes in. Then on to Mommy's taxes.

*Speaking of family, did you all know that Cousin Amy had a baby?? Somehow I missed the family memo, (probably by not checking my e-mail) but I hear that she is doing well (after a poop-in-utero scare) and everyone is happy and healthy I believe.

*Speaking of babies, my newest neice is absolutely ADORABLE!!!!! I just love her so much, with her cute wittle eyes and her cute wittle hands... and I think she loves her Aunt Jana too. :o)

*Also speaking of babies, we still haven't gotten one. I'm handling that okay right now.

*I'm still hungry, even though I've been snacking all night. Perhaps God decided instead of a baby, I should have a tapeworm? If so, I may not be speaking to him for a while. *frowny eyebrows* (Just kidding God... but please don't give me a tapeworm.)

*My pastor's wife is working with me as an intern in my office. I am finding this both extremely wierd and kinda fun. We seem to be... bonding.

*We have fallen in love with the new Jalapeno Popper Doritos. YUM.

*I miss art. My inner child has crayons but we can't find a coloring book that she likes. I think I'm going to have to check Walmart tomorrow, because she has been sniffling sadly far too much lately.

*I'm really angry at my social work professor. I worked very hard on a paper for that class, using the sentence structures we had been working on in English class... I made a phenominally awesome sentence, using a structure from my English book, and was all excited and proud... until I got my paper back. She had counted my sentence wrong! I am so upset. I plan to take my English book with me to meet with her, and ask if she'll give me my point back if I promise to never use creative sentences in my papers again. Or maybe I should just take the point deduction, and display it with pride as a sign of my non-conforming ways... *sigh*... but my sentence was right, and I WANT MY POINT BACK! Stupid program, preparing us to write dull journal articles with no personality... Grrrrrrrrrrr...

So, this is just a glimpse of what's going on in my life. Now tell me... what's new with you??

Explaination

So, you're probably wondering, after reading my last post, how I became so cold-hearted and angry.

It was not, surprisingly, the fact that I've carried the full weight of the friendship with Friend X for years, taking her everywhere since she doesn't have a vehicle (never asking for gas money), paying for her food because I truly believed she was trapped in her situation (which she is, but only because she deliberately traps herself.), even taking it when she barely helped with my wedding at all after promising to. I was even going to still be her friend after the Christmas Screw-Over.

The straw that broke the camels back though, was her complete and lack of compassion with the fact that we're having trouble conceiving. Now, once again, I have minimal expectations... I did not expect hugs or support, deep words or advice, or even a willingless to listen to me talk about it. A simple "I'm sorry" or even a sad silence would have been enough for me. I realize that I am WAY too emotional about this issue, and that my lack of conception is bothering me WAY more than it probably should. I don't expect others to understand that.

Instead, I got "Don't worry, it'll happen", stories about how everyone else in her life is having cute little babies, and how poor and abused she is because she can't have another child because she isn't having sex... despite the fact that she HAS one child already, and severely neglects his emotional, social and educational needs.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to tell her how the choices she is making, and her self-absorbed behavior, are hurting her friends and her child. Everyone else has consistently avoided her because her behaviors are more than they can take, and I've stayed in her life through it because I DO see her growing and changing... but these three areas (trapping herself in poverty and expecting people to pick up her tab, neglecting her childs needs because she's consumed by her own, and being an emotional zero to her friends) are ones that I know she doesn't see or thinks she is powerless to control, and therefore isn't working on.

How much, legitimately, am I expected to take and stay silent?

Again

Did you know my last post was post number 666? Yep... my blog post was the root of all evil. Who knew?! lol

I took another pregnancy test today... got another negative... just another day in the life, right? No, this time it is REALLY bothering me. Despite the fact that I've taken so many tests in the past, and they've all been negative... there's just a small part of me that hopes, every month, that it will happen.

This time I think that inner optimist is throwing things and crying. She and I are going to curl up under a blankie in the bedroom, and watch the first two Lord of the Rings movies. We also may picture ourselves committing voilent acts, just for fun. OH! Maybe she likes crayons... we can draw the scenes.

*taking new box of 120 crayons with her to the bedroom*

Where I'm At

Just a little update on my life:

I turned in my first paper as a college student today! I have another one due tomorrow, which I'm currently revising.

I'm not pregnant. After sobbing pathetically Friday morning and Monday afternoon at work (can we say "humiliating"?) about things that happen to me every single day, we thought it might be a good time to check, but nope... no baby. I'm trying to take my temp every day, but can I just rant to you for a moment? The thermometer instructions say to check your temp every morning, first thing, WHEN YOU ARE HALF ASLEEP. If I am half-asleep, how am I supposed to remember to take my temp?!! *sigh* So far, this hasn't gone well. I've taken to putting my thermometer on top of my cell phone (which I use as an alarm clock) every night, so I see it when I reach to hit the snooze button.

I've failed as a vegetarian. I ate a single meatball, because I forgot I was a vegetarian. The meatball really wasn't that exciting either. How sad.

I've learned to make "Cheater's Spanakopita", using biscuit dough from a tube. You just mix together one (small) container of cottage cheese, two eggs, and some spinach (2 bunches is what it called for, but I didn't use that much). Set that aside for a moment as you take each biscuit and roll it out as then as you'd like. Lay 1/2 of the now-rolled-out-biscuits onto an ungreased cookie sheet. Spread the filling out evenly on the four biscuits on the cookie sheet, and top with the other 1/2 of the biscuits. Smoosh the edges together to make 4 spanikopita pockets. Bake 35 minutes at 400 degrees. Yum.

My husband is gone, working on his mom's car... I have no idea when or if he will be home tonight, and I really need him. Does no one think about the fact that I just had another negative prego test, and might need some support? (I know, I know, how can they know if I don't ask? But how can I ask if I don't have my phone? You see my dilemma.)

Which reminds me... my sister-in-laws surprise birthday party is now being planned for the day my father died 2 years ago. Maybe I should be stronger, or over it... but I just don't think so. I asked Aunt Martha about it, hoping maybe we could do it the week before, but was told just to come and be with friends and family, that they would understand... but who wants someone all weepy at their birthday party? But at the same time, I'd rather die than hurt that sis-in-law, so... I'm stuck. I want to be there, because I love her to death... but I don't want to be there, because I plan to spend that day honoring my dad's memory and will most likely be emotionally and physically exhausted. If it gets too bad and I just can't stop by the party, maybe I could get her a really nice card explaining how much I love her and why I wasn't able to be there. Her mom died not long after my dad, so she would understand.

I haven't shown you all any pics of my baby niece, have I? I'll have to start another post later tonight with all the baby pics in it. She is so cute!!!!!!!!!! I absolutely love her.

For right now, I'm starved... I'm going to go cook a baked potato and maybe make some cauliflower with cream sauce... (adding cheese to the sauce, of course. Mmmmm....)

Breaking News:

A single friend is at my house taking a pregnancy test because she missed a pill.

I've been trying to get pregnant for months and months....

Do I suck because I feel like throwing things at her?

UPDATE: It seemed to be a false alarm (Though she is not positive, since it may just be too early for the test. Personally, I think it's probably just pre-period symptoms.) and she has gone home. I still want to throw things at her, but I maintained a friendly and joking demeanor, and so on and so forth.

Now I'm just tired, and in need of pleasant dreams and a hug or two. With this week's paycheck, I am going to pay off my doctor, and try and put some money in a secret savings account for roof repairs. Once the roof is completely fixed, or we KNOW we'll have the money to have it completely fixed, I'll go to a fertility specialist. I'll also be able to get my thyroid and things checked out... and be able to see MY doctor again, instead of visiting a random clinic.

In sad news, I still want my mouse calendar. I cried thinking about it today... I don't understand what it is that I really want, that the calendar means to me. Safety and love, maybe... or just the candy inside the calendar lol

Results

Remember how last week I committed to myself, to doing some cleaning only for my personal benefit? Would you like to see the results?

My desk has a FLOOR near it!!!!! The top of the desk is still trashed, but I spend too much time actually WORKING at my desk for it to ever actually be clean lol

The bookcase corner. Notice that the shovel and other manly tools have been moved to the back porch... no place to put the trim at though, so it's still in the corner until I figure something out.

The game corner! Yes, it's still kinda disorganized... but the games are together in piles, the wedding albums/photo frames are all together, and the pile of random crap to give & return to my inlaws next weekend is neatly together. GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!!!!!

(Thanks Jen, for asking me to give pics... that helped motivate me SO much!!!!)

*~*~*~*~*~*

In happy news, I'm feeling better after my very-good-cry Sunday. I've known I needed a really good crying-ranting-raving for a while... but not been able to get it out and move on. Holidays are hard, I'm missing my dad like absolutely crazy and seeing him everywhere in everyone I meet, and James and I have both been working ourselves crazy... but things are better, and I feel much better now.

My period arrived yesterday, a full EIGHT days late... which is mainly annoying because 1. I'm not pregnant and 2. I had an algebraic equation figured out for calculating my period...

x + 2 = y

Where x = the amount of days in the cycle of the month before, and y = the amount of days that will be in the current cycle.

This had been faithfully true for several months (at least, I think it had.)... 1 day late, 3, 5,.... and now 8. Piece of crap periods!!!! Ruining my perfect algebraicly correct cycles. Grr.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Tomorrow I go to see an ear, nose, and throat doctor, and find out WHY I have had an ear infection since May, and not been able to get rid of it even with an antibiotic. (It's actually worse now.)

Life Update

For those of you who are wondering how life is going here... a few quick updates:

*My mother-in-law had a dream that we are having a baby boy... getting pregnant sometime within the next year, judging by the ages of my nieces and nephew. We'll see how that works.

*Everything is making me sick yet again. Before you get all excited, this has happened time and time again with no baby resulting. *shrug* Weird stuff.

*I feel wrong putting job rants on here... if you want updates, you can ask me in e-mail... but I feel very weird ranting about it in the blog, so I won't be anymore. So you know, a lot has been going on... A lot that as I stated in my last post, which I am removing, I felt like I shouldn't put online. Soooooo... before you judge me as ungrateful or whiny or whatever, please keep in mind that I haven't told you any of the facts lol

*I accidentally taught my friend's 6-year-old boy to say "douche-bag". Again. *sigh* Really gotta watch my vocabulary around that kid.

*Cheese sticks = Heaven I'm sure of it.

*My sister-in-law's baby shower is next weekend, and I'm so excited! I bought a car seat for her, the infant kind with the base that the seat detaches from so you can carry it easily, a Graco brand seat, for $14 at a yard sale today. I also bought some baby clothes... and since my mother-in-law has accurately dreamed her other 3 grand babies, including genders and even one name, I indulged myself and threw some newborn baby boy clothes into the fill-a-bag-for-twenty-five-cents bag. :o)

*We're trying to get some activities started for "My Kids" again... I'm excited. (For those of you who don't know, My Kids are what I call a kid's ministry we do in a poorer town near here... we'd like to start some tutoring and other things like that for them eventually, but for the moment we mainly reinforce moral basics -don't steal or kill your siblings, etc. - and give lots of hugs and try to boost their self-esteem. I also randomly teach them to crochet, which makes them feel happy inside... and makes me feel happy inside. Warm fuzzies all around!!!!!!! lol)

Now it's bedtime, and I need to get some sleep... adios everyone, and a wonderful night to you all.

Jana's Life Today

Today I finally have some spare time!!!!! Wooooooo! Time for a blogpost, and then some fun bloghopping!

Some random life updates:

*I have my own cube at work, for the moment. I have new cube-neighbors, who like pancakes with peanut butter and maple syrup. How much better could my life be?

*I have found out that my library has Microsoft product tutorials online! My knowledge is increasing.

*I think both Simba and Nala kittens are males. Anyone have a good re-naming suggestion for Nala? He seems too little to be a Mustafa... He needs a little African man name...

*Today I am okay with not having a baby yet.

*I'm having a BLAST with Shelley's online Collage Workshop... I collaged yesterday about "oughts"... who I OUGHT to be, or who others think I ought to be, and so on. I want to scan the collage for you all, and share... hopefully soon. I also collaged/journaled about the baby thing... enlightening.

*Last night I watched Heroes, and OMW it ROCKED!!!!! Did any of the rest of you watch it? What did you think??? Is Hiro not just SO freaking hawt????? And Sylar... OMW... Sylar... *swoon* And Mohinder... *happy sigh* What did you all think of Peter's whole fixing/breaking the past/future thing? And Matt... how did he end up in the desert? Did I miss something? And who is the Nikki/Jessica look-alike girl?

Wow.

That's all I can say to describe my life at the moment. Let me break it down to you in neat little bullet points:

*I started my period today. Another month of no babies. *sigh*

*The new job is sporadically busy. I spent the morning doing a little bit of work, looking unsuccessfully for more work, and then chatting with Jami and doing some Microsoft Excel tutorials from my library's website. I spent the afternoon with a crapload of suddenly-appearing work, and worked 20 minutes late.

*I have a love/hate relationship with being a temp. I love learning new skills and working with new programs. I hate being refered to as "the temp" and treated like I have terminal stupidity. I love meeting the new people... which reminds me:

*Today I did not eat alone. In happy news, that is because a coworker sat with me to chat. In unhappy news, I had to put down a REALLY good book to participate in the chat. In happy news, another person also looked for me at lunchtime to sit with me. (But didn't see me, because I was in a corner of the cafeteria.) It seems, much to my shock, that people are liking me in spite of my deeply anti-social tendencies.

*I have two extra-specially fun coworkers. One is my twin... she is cynical, and has a dark sense of humor and deep well of inner anger. She wants to be a foster mommy, and will be taking classes soon. The second one is a paranormal investigator, and a psychic. SHE ROCKS!!!

*I have decided that I am officially undecided about who to vote for in the presidential election at the moment. I need to head back to the websites and check out the candidates' current plans and promises (aka, lies.) I looked earlier today and was impressed by McCain's plan to get our country out of debt, and less than impressed by Obama's financial plans... Obama seems to want to spend a lot, and I consider that dangerous considering our government's current economic state (bailout after bailout...). Obama does, however, have plans for stopping tax breaks for companies relocating overseas, and reward companies that do keep their operations here. (Go Obama!!!!!) I notice that McCain seems to have no problem with companies relocating overseas, and I am deeply annoyed by that. Altogether though, McCain's plan to balance the budget by the end of his term is a bit unbeatable... and so, on the subject of the economy (and ONLY on the subject of the economy at this point) McCain is worthy of my thumbs-up. *giving a thumbs up*

What do YOU think about how our presidential candidates plan to treat our economy?

Here We Go... Again.

Another round of wierd symptoms...

Another late period...

Another pregnancy test...

Another negative...

As the symptoms progress.

This time? Nausea. Very bad Friday (and crazy constant gas. WHILE I was at my new job. ), semi-bad yesterday, very bad today. It was really bad when I woke up, then got better... now it's worse again. My period should have started Friday morning.... and to top it of, someone heard that I was sick and started the "oh, you need to take a pregnancy test, blah blah blah..." Is it rude to tell relatives to please not mention that possibility? It just gets my hopes up, and we can see how that worked out last time.

*~*~*~*~ We now interupt this blog post to announce:*~*~*~*~*~

Somehow, in our insanely rainy summer, our office (the room that needed NO REPAIRS, no painting, nothing.) has sprung a leak. Not from the ceiling (I checked.) but around the window & air conditioner it looks like? It leaked somewhere around those, under the cabinet where I keep my art-in-progress, across the floor, for God knows how long, until today it was 2/3 of the way across the floor, and I felt water seep out from under the plastic floor mat beneath my computer desk. I was like "why is the carpet wet?" I stepped on the mat and noticed water squishing... farther across... moved artisitc creations and found... a mound. The water evidently went there, and either the wood underneath is buckling, or God-knows-what is growing under the carpet. Mold is growing on the top.

I need a drink. Or my hubby. Or prayer. Or just a good cry.

After one of those 4 has been supplied, I'll suck it up and make supper, dry out the carpet, move the art, find the leak, and so on and so forth.

So much for my nice relaxing weekend. *sigh*

Happiness Is...

Finding half a bag of Cheetos in your desk drawer, which you had completely forgotten about!!! YUMMY!!!!!!

Happiness is not:

Starting your period, when you're trying to get pregnant. Or really, any other time. Stupid period. *sulking*

Drugs & Decisions

Yesterday I started my period, and all hope of a baby is gone for now. But only for now! We may try again, but one major change that needs to be made first, is the happy pill issue. I need to find out what the risks are to my child if I AM on happy pills during my pregnancy... and I need to find out if I can make it in the world without the pills. Soooooo... for now, I am officially off my happy pills.

Today is day 5 without any happy pills, and I'm doing surprisingly well. I haven't killed my husband, or yelled much, or cried too often. I've been able to sleep okay, and had the energy to get a lot of things done.

A few positive changes:
It is a lot harder to avoid dealing with things that bother me.
I have more nervous energy, which I can channel into productivity!

A few negative changes:
MAJOR PROBLEMS FOCUSING. This is really annoying.
Unstable emotions... I snapped at James today. I cried for no reason.

So I guess for now we know the answer to "where do we go from here." We go off of happy pills, and see what happens. I know that regardless of how much I want to have a baby without taking anti-depressants, I do NOT want to sacrifice my marriage for it. If I see myself hurting James, lashing out at him, filling him with emotional baggage... then we will have to consider other options. We'll investigate the risks of anti-depressants on a pregnancy, and see if we feel right having a child that way. We'll look into adoption or foster care. We might just not have any kids.

Regardless of how many kids I do have or don't have... I have an amazingly blessed life, and it is enough just as it is. I'll be content, no matter what happens.

Oh, and the true test of my new life without happy pills? Tomorrow we are taking my mother-in-law out for lunch. THIS should be interesting.

Roller Coaster Rides & Crash Landings

This week has been the emotional roller coaster ride from Hades. It all started Sunday...

I'd been feeling kinda sick to my stomach on and off since Tuesday, when my friend Jessica came to my house sick. I got up Sunday morning, ate a McGriddle with Bacon (Mmm.... yummy) about 9AM, and laid down to watch movies with James and M, since M & I were both feeling sick. James left to take M home, and about 1:30 I started feeling REALLY WIERD. I felt weak and very shaky, and almost called James to beg him to come home. Instead, I got some leftover noodles and ate them... but didn't feel any better. Ate some more... no better... ate some bread... no better... but eventually the symptoms left.

Monday, it happened again. This time I had just eaten a yummy doughnut, so it wasn't from hunger... and it lasted way longer. We called the doctor and got an appointment... where she immediately asked me a question James and I had been discussing throughout the week... could I be... pregnant? She advised me against taking my anti-depressants, and prescribed me a blood test to see if I truly was pregnant.

And me? I began to panic quietly. And then I began to get a little excited. I browsed a pregnancy book at Walmart, and found out that if I WAS pregnant, my baby would be SO ITTY BITTY! Smaller than a bead. I began joking about a "bead baby."

Through the next 2 days, I alternately spent time panicing and planning... worrying about "what ifs" and dreaming about having a kiddo. I found out my sister in law is pregnant. Two people told me I was gaining weight in pregnant-ish places. (Boobs & belly). I began to hope! I dreamed of telling my mom, on Mother's Day, that she was a grandma.

I alternated between nausea and eating everything in sight. My boobs have been crazy sensitive. I've been tired all the time. My belly has felt wierd... what did that mean? And when the heck was my last period??? For the life of me, I can not remember! Did I have one in April?

Yesterday, I took a blood test to see. I spent my day waiting, wondering. I called the doctor's office to see if they had results, and the receptionist was rude. I sat at my desk and quietly cried. At the end of the day, I called again... the doctor was reading the results right then! Whew. Finally!

I got home, and eventually the phone DID ring. The nurse answered and said:

"Hi Janet, the results of your pregnancy test came back negative, but like Dr. P said, this is not definative. If you are still having symptoms in two weeks, we'll send you for another test."

I sat at my desk and sobbed. I have so many questions... if I AM pregnant, why is the test not showing it? And if I'm NOT pregnant, what the heck is WRONG with me? Since the test showed a negative result, should I go back on my anti-depressants? Since the doctor didn't seem convinced that I'm not pregnant, should I stay off the happy pills? What do I do now?

I went on a crazy cooking spree last night, dashing to the grocery store for ingredients just to get out of the house and think in the car. I cried a little in Kroger, but grabbed my ingredients (Dill weed! I've been wanting that for so long! I have so many recipes calling for it! Woooo hooooo!!) and came home. My hubby met me at home and helped me carry in groceries. We chatted and watched music videos online as I made supper. Made spaghetti & meat sauce, a brushetta from the freezer section, and an amazingly awesome brocolli with yummy sauce.

I guess I'm doing okay, just wondering why, ya know? If I'm not pregnant, why on earth did this happen? I was perfectly content not having kids anytime soon, until I thought I could be pregnant! I made all these plans and dreamed all these dreams... and now? Most likely, they are gone.

But I'm still hoping against hope that there is a little bead-sized baby in me, just hiding for now from the tests. And yes, that probably makes me a bit crazy... but that's okay. I'm strong enough to handle the disappointment if I'm wrong. For now, I'll err on the side of caution. I'm putting up the happy pills and trying to take care of myself. I'll take the next two weeks one day at a time, and see what each day brings.