Yesterday I started my period, and all hope of a baby is gone for now. But only for now! We may try again, but one major change that needs to be made first, is the happy pill issue. I need to find out what the risks are to my child if I AM on happy pills during my pregnancy... and I need to find out if I can make it in the world without the pills. Soooooo... for now, I am officially off my happy pills.
Today is day 5 without any happy pills, and I'm doing surprisingly well. I haven't killed my husband, or yelled much, or cried too often. I've been able to sleep okay, and had the energy to get a lot of things done.
A few positive changes:
It is a lot harder to avoid dealing with things that bother me.
I have more nervous energy, which I can channel into productivity!
A few negative changes:
MAJOR PROBLEMS FOCUSING. This is really annoying.
Unstable emotions... I snapped at James today. I cried for no reason.
So I guess for now we know the answer to "where do we go from here." We go off of happy pills, and see what happens. I know that regardless of how much I want to have a baby without taking anti-depressants, I do NOT want to sacrifice my marriage for it. If I see myself hurting James, lashing out at him, filling him with emotional baggage... then we will have to consider other options. We'll investigate the risks of anti-depressants on a pregnancy, and see if we feel right having a child that way. We'll look into adoption or foster care. We might just not have any kids.
Regardless of how many kids I do have or don't have... I have an amazingly blessed life, and it is enough just as it is. I'll be content, no matter what happens.
Oh, and the true test of my new life without happy pills? Tomorrow we are taking my mother-in-law out for lunch. THIS should be interesting.
6 comments:
praying for you Jana
Jen
Oh my, so much energy here Jana. You are a powerhouse aren't you? I'm so sorry you're disappointed with the pregnancy not happening and must be so emotionally charged from everything that's going on. I think looking into what to do with your medication if pregnancy should occur in the future is a smart idea, now that you have seen what happens when you suddenly have to come off. You will find the wisdom to figure it out, I know it.
And thank you dear friend for your latest comment and saying that visiting my blog was like coming over to hang out with me, that rocked.
Jana, I really admire you for doing what you're doing. I'm sad though because you want a baby and it's just not happening. I don't know what to say except to send you a BIG hug!
I am sorry that you are not pregnant, but don't give up, okay? God is still in control.
As for the "Happy Pills" I think it is great how you are handling yourself. Don't knock yourself down if you lash out. Those who love you will understand.
Sending you a huge (((HUG)))
There are so many emotions swirling for you Jana!
My advice is do everything you can to take good care of yourself. Stress (and high emotion) really drain you quickly. Taking walks, eating good foods, reading a good book, etc.
Jana, I will definitely be praying for you. Hang in there!
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