This week has been the emotional roller coaster ride from Hades. It all started Sunday...
I'd been feeling kinda sick to my stomach on and off since Tuesday, when my friend Jessica came to my house sick. I got up Sunday morning, ate a McGriddle with Bacon (Mmm.... yummy) about 9AM, and laid down to watch movies with James and M, since M & I were both feeling sick. James left to take M home, and about 1:30 I started feeling REALLY WIERD. I felt weak and very shaky, and almost called James to beg him to come home. Instead, I got some leftover noodles and ate them... but didn't feel any better. Ate some more... no better... ate some bread... no better... but eventually the symptoms left.
Monday, it happened again. This time I had just eaten a yummy doughnut, so it wasn't from hunger... and it lasted way longer. We called the doctor and got an appointment... where she immediately asked me a question James and I had been discussing throughout the week... could I be... pregnant? She advised me against taking my anti-depressants, and prescribed me a blood test to see if I truly was pregnant.
And me? I began to panic quietly. And then I began to get a little excited. I browsed a pregnancy book at Walmart, and found out that if I WAS pregnant, my baby would be SO ITTY BITTY! Smaller than a bead. I began joking about a "bead baby."
Through the next 2 days, I alternately spent time panicing and planning... worrying about "what ifs" and dreaming about having a kiddo. I found out my sister in law is pregnant. Two people told me I was gaining weight in pregnant-ish places. (Boobs & belly). I began to hope! I dreamed of telling my mom, on Mother's Day, that she was a grandma.
I alternated between nausea and eating everything in sight. My boobs have been crazy sensitive. I've been tired all the time. My belly has felt wierd... what did that mean? And when the heck was my last period??? For the life of me, I can not remember! Did I have one in April?
Yesterday, I took a blood test to see. I spent my day waiting, wondering. I called the doctor's office to see if they had results, and the receptionist was rude. I sat at my desk and quietly cried. At the end of the day, I called again... the doctor was reading the results right then! Whew. Finally!
I got home, and eventually the phone DID ring. The nurse answered and said:
"Hi Janet, the results of your pregnancy test came back negative, but like Dr. P said, this is not definative. If you are still having symptoms in two weeks, we'll send you for another test."
I sat at my desk and sobbed. I have so many questions... if I AM pregnant, why is the test not showing it? And if I'm NOT pregnant, what the heck is WRONG with me? Since the test showed a negative result, should I go back on my anti-depressants? Since the doctor didn't seem convinced that I'm not pregnant, should I stay off the happy pills? What do I do now?
I went on a crazy cooking spree last night, dashing to the grocery store for ingredients just to get out of the house and think in the car. I cried a little in Kroger, but grabbed my ingredients (Dill weed! I've been wanting that for so long! I have so many recipes calling for it! Woooo hooooo!!) and came home. My hubby met me at home and helped me carry in groceries. We chatted and watched music videos online as I made supper. Made spaghetti & meat sauce, a brushetta from the freezer section, and an amazingly awesome brocolli with yummy sauce.
I guess I'm doing okay, just wondering why, ya know? If I'm not pregnant, why on earth did this happen? I was perfectly content not having kids anytime soon, until I thought I could be pregnant! I made all these plans and dreamed all these dreams... and now? Most likely, they are gone.
But I'm still hoping against hope that there is a little bead-sized baby in me, just hiding for now from the tests. And yes, that probably makes me a bit crazy... but that's okay. I'm strong enough to handle the disappointment if I'm wrong. For now, I'll err on the side of caution. I'm putting up the happy pills and trying to take care of myself. I'll take the next two weeks one day at a time, and see what each day brings.
2 comments:
Rollercoaster ride indeed! Jana, perhaps your body is trying to tell you now is the time to be trying and it wants to be? There is no rush, it can still happen. It obvious it's something you really want to have happen and now that can be your priority and bring that joy into life. I know it's hard when you're coming off your meds, but you can do it!
I have a friend who had to give up her prescription meds in order to get pregnant. It was very hard, but doable! If it's something you think could very likely be a possibility, perhaps you can look into some kind of a support message board online or talk to your doctor about this. I really am hoping for good things for you, sweetie. It's a wonderful moment to bring a new life into the world, and that moment will come for you when the time is right. Meanwhile, have faith and take good care of yourself. **hugs**
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