Ugg.

Is it better to have a job that you know you can do and do well, so that every day you leave feeling like you are the queen of the world, or a job where you are so deeply challenged that you leave every day thinking "Holy crap, I completely and totally SUCK!"?

Work, quite honestly, is sucking right now. It feels like centuries since I've received a compliment of any kind, the supervisory personnel are on this new "shorten the time it takes" kick, at the same time they are adding new responsibilities, and every day this week I've left my job with my head down, wondering why I can't make this job work. I've been in trouble this week for items not being done fast enough, for looking angry in a meeting, and for sounding too emotional in e-mails. (Which, now that I think about it, may be a miscommunication - a comment or two sent to the supervisor, which she thought was sent to others. Must explain that later.)

I'm just feeling really low today... worrying that I won't have a job to go back to, that I'm just not up to the standards of this department.

Enough wallowing... time to form a plan. What can I do about the people I work with who are causing these problems? Nothing. What can I do about feeling like I completely suck and have no worth? A LOT.

Since I feel like every area of my life is in chaos at the moment, I'll begin by setting some small goals for myself in my outside-of-work life, and accomplishing them. Cleaning up certain areas of my office, for example. I will give myself a facial tomorrow, and dress extra-nicely next week - not for the office's benefit, but for my own... so that I can hold my head up high. I'll work this weekend to get ahead on my homework, so that I can stop worrying about that. I'll make a new budget for us for the month of April, so that our finances are in order.

And I'll pray... that I myself will have a right attitude, and do my absolute best job each day - and if others are being unfair, or treating me in a way that they shouldn't, that their actions would be revealed for what they are.

While I pray, I'll remember that I'm not at this job to make friends or be popular. I'm at this job for two reasons: to get my education at 85% off, and to pay my bills. I can take a LOT of crap to get my education and pay my bills.

Time to make my little to-do list and accomplish some things! AFTER my inner child and I color a picture.

Political Rumor?

I heard a rumor that one reason this presidential race is so critical to our nations future is that several Supreme Court justices are waiting for a Democrat to come into office so they can retire. Does anyone know how exactly I could verify this?

In other news...

*I'm exhausted. Like, the "how am I gonna stay awake til bedtime" kind of exhausted, where you just wanna nap wherever you are at.

*My hair is thinning really badly... like, the front part, that people first see when they look at me. I'm trying some new vitamins for it, we'll see how that works.

*My ear infection from May is still around, and gave me another bad dizzy spell on Friday. HOW ANNOYING! Can't wait to get medical insurance again.

*Tomorrow is my next dance class, and James is supposed to be going with me! We'll be learning the Cha-Cha!!!!!!!

I'll have more updates at a later point in time...

Mothers & Mentors and Me, Oh My!

(Hehe, don't you love my catchy title?)

I have blogged before about the fantasy worlds I spin for myself, but I've never told you how these fantasies end. Alaways, the "victim" is rescued. Always, I am loved and treasured. And after all of this is done... I myself am rescued. A maternal figure sees that I have no one to teach me, or that the weight is too much for me to bear alone, and this person reaches out to me. I am rescued, I am saved.

The first part of this fantasy is played out almost constantly in my life. I have a scary knack for attracting people in need of a good "rescue." I help them clean their houses. I drive them places. I invest my time, energy, and emotions in them. Then I wait for my rescue... and I wait.... and I wait... and I wait.

My rescuer does not arrive. Blood-sucking leeches come in droves to suck me dry, but rescuers? Nope... not a one.

I don't know when it happened, but I seem to have stopped wanting a mentor to step into my life, and started to wish for a rescuer. Rescuers are so much easier... they see you at your worst, pick you up, and help you back onto your feet. They require no commitment, no attachment... they supply what you need, and move on. Mentors require accountability... and I feel like they expect instant change sometimes. I am not an instant change-to-please kind of a person... so I rarely keep mentors. I also feel like I need to hide from accountability... like if I am honest, I will be rejected by the mentor. I'm just really not a good "mentoree."

I consider myself unworth of mentors. I find myself longing for mentors in two main areas of my life: feminine things (self-care, beauty, clothes, etc.) and spiritual things. I tell myself that I don't deserve a mentor, that I care about myself too little, that people think I'm too plain or too ugly, and why would anyone think I'm worth helping? Spiritually, I tell myself that all anyone sees is how badly I've fallen... everyone sees me as unstable, flighty, uncommitted... and who wants to help someone like that?

This is really rambly, but I've realized that I may be looking to "rescue" others in the hope of earning rescue myself. This is unfair both to the person I'm rescuing, and to me. After a while of rescuing, I begin to feel resentful that I am not appreciated. I feel angry I'm still unworthy of rescue myself. I ask myself what I do to deserve rescue so much less than the people I've rescued. I ask where my help is.

I don't have answers to that. These two areas are the hardest for others to help with from online... Yes, help can be given... I picked up a copy of What Not To Wear (which is NOT like the show here in the USA, where they insult and ridicule you as they toss out your old clothes along with your self-esteem...) that Suzie recommended a while back, and it is helping SO MUCH. (BTW, Suzie, did you know they have a website??) Sometimes though, it'd be nice to ask a real live person to help me pick out an outfit that would flatter my body and match my style. And on the spiritual subject? I don't even know. Honestly, I just don't even know what to do about that. I think my spiritual life would be better with a mentor, but maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe I'm just so busy critizing myself for sucking, that no one can be a mentor to me. Maybe I'm supposed to find my own path, and that's why I don't attract mentors. Who knows. *shrug*

In the meantime I'm going to go shave my toes and trim my nails, and get ready to go to church. I can't force people to mentor me... but I can do the best that I can for my own self, and see what I accomplish!

Vision Board

Suzie challenged us to make a dream/vision board, and since I had been meaning to do that FOR EVER, I decided to jump in!!!

Here is what I made:


I really want to start taking care of my body. I want to start using moisturizers and natural treatments to keep my skin from being damaged by dry air, wind, and sun. I want to care about myself.

Of the entire board, THIS is the area that defines me at the moment. The words on here say:
"It's Gro Time"
"It's time for your DIRT MANICURE" (I love this, as I rarely wear gloves to garden lol)
"Every blade of gras has it's angel that bends over and whispers, 'Grow, grow' - The Talmud"

I want to enjoy the mild weather of spring and get this yard in shape. I want to plant flowers and veggies, and a lilac bush would be lovely too. I want to make my yard a place to be proud of!!

I have got to get my house organized, it is driving me INSANE.

I want to enjoy my relationship with James and encourage that relationship to grow and deepen. Although we have not officially decided to have kids, I also want to prepare my life so that we'll be ready if we DO make that decision.

All month long, my pastor has been preaching about abundance and living life with passion... this basically sums up how I want to live my life... with gusto!!


I have GOT to have one of these bed sets. I will save up my money, and I will have this set IF IT KILLS ME. I'm leaning toward the one on the bottom left, with white walls, red carpet (eventually) and red & black decorations in the room.