Mothers & Mentors and Me, Oh My!

(Hehe, don't you love my catchy title?)

I have blogged before about the fantasy worlds I spin for myself, but I've never told you how these fantasies end. Alaways, the "victim" is rescued. Always, I am loved and treasured. And after all of this is done... I myself am rescued. A maternal figure sees that I have no one to teach me, or that the weight is too much for me to bear alone, and this person reaches out to me. I am rescued, I am saved.

The first part of this fantasy is played out almost constantly in my life. I have a scary knack for attracting people in need of a good "rescue." I help them clean their houses. I drive them places. I invest my time, energy, and emotions in them. Then I wait for my rescue... and I wait.... and I wait... and I wait.

My rescuer does not arrive. Blood-sucking leeches come in droves to suck me dry, but rescuers? Nope... not a one.

I don't know when it happened, but I seem to have stopped wanting a mentor to step into my life, and started to wish for a rescuer. Rescuers are so much easier... they see you at your worst, pick you up, and help you back onto your feet. They require no commitment, no attachment... they supply what you need, and move on. Mentors require accountability... and I feel like they expect instant change sometimes. I am not an instant change-to-please kind of a person... so I rarely keep mentors. I also feel like I need to hide from accountability... like if I am honest, I will be rejected by the mentor. I'm just really not a good "mentoree."

I consider myself unworth of mentors. I find myself longing for mentors in two main areas of my life: feminine things (self-care, beauty, clothes, etc.) and spiritual things. I tell myself that I don't deserve a mentor, that I care about myself too little, that people think I'm too plain or too ugly, and why would anyone think I'm worth helping? Spiritually, I tell myself that all anyone sees is how badly I've fallen... everyone sees me as unstable, flighty, uncommitted... and who wants to help someone like that?

This is really rambly, but I've realized that I may be looking to "rescue" others in the hope of earning rescue myself. This is unfair both to the person I'm rescuing, and to me. After a while of rescuing, I begin to feel resentful that I am not appreciated. I feel angry I'm still unworthy of rescue myself. I ask myself what I do to deserve rescue so much less than the people I've rescued. I ask where my help is.

I don't have answers to that. These two areas are the hardest for others to help with from online... Yes, help can be given... I picked up a copy of What Not To Wear (which is NOT like the show here in the USA, where they insult and ridicule you as they toss out your old clothes along with your self-esteem...) that Suzie recommended a while back, and it is helping SO MUCH. (BTW, Suzie, did you know they have a website??) Sometimes though, it'd be nice to ask a real live person to help me pick out an outfit that would flatter my body and match my style. And on the spiritual subject? I don't even know. Honestly, I just don't even know what to do about that. I think my spiritual life would be better with a mentor, but maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe I'm just so busy critizing myself for sucking, that no one can be a mentor to me. Maybe I'm supposed to find my own path, and that's why I don't attract mentors. Who knows. *shrug*

In the meantime I'm going to go shave my toes and trim my nails, and get ready to go to church. I can't force people to mentor me... but I can do the best that I can for my own self, and see what I accomplish!