As the stresses of the wedding become more overwhelming, I am learning a lot about myself and my defenses.
Last Friday, when I was supposed to be going to get my marriage license application and planning Brit's baby shower, (and was actually panicing about how to get everything done) I made a quick stop at a thrift store to buy some little socks for baby Hannah. I found the bin of unsorted random baby clothes, looked for wittle socks... became annoyed by the disorder...
And began to fold and stack the baby clothes. By the time I left, the baby clothes were no longer unorganized in the bin. The little baby clothes were in a little stack in a corner. The toddler clothes were in neat, organized stacks, according to their gender, clothing type, and size. I wasted an hour or more of my precious time. I didn't make it to the courthouse in time to get the license. I only found two pairs of socks in the entire bin. But I DID feel better. I also got compliments (and wierd looks, obviously lol) from random people passing the bin.
Today I found myself scrubbing the sink at work, for no aparent reason. I just wanted it to be "right."
I've found myself withdrawing inside myself... spinning fantasy worlds to hide in. Always, there is a problem... a slave girl running from her master, a woman being beaten by her husband,... and always, I am able to rescue them. I always have just what they need. I'm always enough.
I'm afraid that in my "real" life, I'm not enough. The problems in my own life seem to multiply to rapidly to fix. Each time one thing is fixed, another thing or two breaks. I'm afraid that I can't rescue myself.
I'm realizing how brave I was to decide on a real wedding. Weddings are first and foremost social occasions. I know nothing about social niceties. This is the area of my life in which I feel the most inadequate.
I have no idea what to do about all of this... I don't think taking a higher dose of happy pills will fix this problem... I need to learn healthy ways to deal with these feelings of inadequacy. I need to to be "enough" for myself.
10 comments:
Learning to be enough for you is the most important lesson you can learn I think!
It took a lot of therapy and art therapy to learn it for myself.
Be good to yourself Jana. You have a lot of stress going on! (I'm not married - yet - but the thought of planning a "real" wedding gives me the hives!)
Hang in there Jana! Deep breaths ;)
XXOO
Of course you're enough. The main thing is to ask for help when you need it. Your true friends will always pull thru for you in the end. Plus i'm sure your fiance didn't mind you not grabing the applicantion all that much. If he truely loves you, then he should know how distracted you get.
Praying for you Jana
I agree ask for help
Im sure itll all turn out just great
HUGS
Jen at http://my3boysandi.wordpress.com/
I think a good place to start being enough for yourself is to stop trying to be everything to everyone else and not stopping to take care of you. You can't be any good for others when you neglect yourself.
Right now, all the friends in the Ohana need to be doing things for you and you need to not be afraid to ask. As far as your wedding and social "niceties" you will be fine. Your wedding will be amazing!
Jana - you are enough for yourself...that is first and foremost...you just need to give yourself enough credit...recognize what wonderful things you do for yourself and others....all of it is beautiful...it is very brave that you are planning your wedding...and it should be fun and a memory you will always cherish...
gosh darn it...I forgot to mention that I have tagged you for random things...you can go read about it here..only if you want to join in..no pressure..just fun!!!
http://jibaro6543.blogspot.com/2007/12/7-random-things-about-me-tagged_17.html
Oh Jana! I can't believe you organized that bin! Did the staff at least thank you for all of that help? I hope the appreciated.
Planning a wedding takes a lot of effort and hard work. Please don't be afraid to ask your friends for help. Any true friend would jump at the chance! I know I would.
Big *HUGS*
Ditto everything above, esp Amy - this is time for you to relax and let everyone else get panicy taking care of you. And it so makes sense that you organized the clothes when everything in your life felt unorganized and out of control - the only time my house and office are organized is when I'm feeling out of control. WE ALL DO IT!!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! or odd or anything other than your wonderful self. This is what humans do under stress. AND you can choose to breath, do what you can and laugh at the rest. Much more fun.
You need home made lollies. send me your snail addy immediately and I shall send you yummies.
xo
Weddings are sooooo very stressful. Bleh. But then the day arrives, and you see your beloved, and you are the most beautiful woman in the world to him, and then you are each other's and it's okay, after all. :-)
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