In Remembrance - Day 1

This week is The Week of Remembrance, and so if you'll pardon me for a bit, I'd like to share with you a little about my dad.

My dad was my hero for most of my life... with his easy laughter and teasing ways, he was a little girls dream. I remember so many good times with him... learning about how the engine of a mower ran, inhaling the scent of sawdust as we cut firewood, and the stillness of the woods around us as we hunted for mushrooms.

In spite of all of the evils he did, this is the father I miss... him hugging me to him, telling me that he loved me... teasing me about this or that... long evenings spent around the kitchen table with his friends, playing Uno or Euchre...

This year, I don't know how to grieve for the loss of my father... I can't mourn my first Christmas without him, since I haven't spent a Christmas with him in over ten years. I can't mourn an annual Christmas chat over the phone, since we rarely called each other during the Christmas season. My father was severely depressed during the holidays, and listening to his plans for suicide was NOT my idea of holiday cheer.

My feelings about my father are so conflicting... I'm not sure what to even feel. Especially during the holidays. I can't really mourn what was... but I mourn what never will be. I mourn his first time meeting my future husband... the look on his face when he saw my first child... him beside me as I walk down the isle on my wedding day... I mourn the Christmas dinners we could have invited him to, and the holiday spirit that comes to even the most depressed heart when children become involved in the celebrations. I miss his wisdom in helping me to fix up the house... the best hunting spots he and I could have shown to James... the hours they would have spent happily tinkering on cars together as I went about my days.

I miss the Dad I always dreamed of having.