Tonight I had a great plan... I would go home, and spend the evening cleaning my house. I would get as much cleaning done as humanly possible, so that tomorrow I'd be free to create and to put items on Etsy and Ebay. (Which I've been meaning to do for QUITE some time.)
And then I turned on the computer.
I got a message from Rafael, a guy from Brazil... a message I'd normally ignore. But for whatever reason, I decided to reply... and my evening changed dramatically. We discussed our lives, our countries... and the deaths of our fathers.
I've felt unable to grieve for my father this holiday season... I knew I needed to honor my grief... but I have felt so deeply detached from my grief. I knew that deep inside of me, I was hurting... I was dreading the holiday season... I was avoiding putting up decorations or participating in any festivities... I didn't want to deal with the first Christmas without my dad. I think the sickness I've had since the day before Thanksgiving may be related to it... my body's way of forcing me to slow down and grieve.
Today, as I chatted with Rafael, and read Shelley's blog... my grief finally surfaced. I am making plans for how to honor my father's memory this Christmas... to share the grief with others who knew him... and to find holiday joy through the pain.
To those of you who have grieved in the past, do you have any suggestions for honoring the memory of a loved one during the holidays?
3 comments:
Jana-
I lost my son when he was almost 6 months old...his twin (my daughter)survived and just turned 18....not a day goes by that I do not think about him...the ways I have honored him is keeping pictures of him around....creating scrapbook pages of him and writing my thoughts and feelings in it...putting ornaments I bought that first christmas on the tree and just thinking of him...time does heal- that is not meant like an easy solution to healing just a fact that looking back has come true!!! Talking about him made me feel better - having friends who did not mind listening to me made that easier...your dad's spirit will always be with you because he was your dad....think of good times...write a letter to him and tell him what you want to say and save the letter in something or someplace special...I think every one grieves differently -what worked for me may not work for you...but always remember the good and let go of anything else and cry if you want...
take care hun....if you ever need to talk you know how to find me!
Peace--Ellie
I think your current plan is an excellent one Jana. In my family we often share stories of people that have past in order to honour them. I also like the idea of continuing rituals they participated in during past holidays. Lighting candles in their name is always a beautiful tradition.
We each find our own ways of continuing on - I try to make foods that my mom would make, talk about things that she would have liked or what she might have said in reaction to something, "Well, you know what Mother would have said? She'd have told us to blah, blah, blah" whatever it is - usually something that even makes us laugh a little. It may seem irreverent, but for us, it helped to find somewhat humorous ways of including her in the conversation even - little things that she would say that were kind of funny, and just by repeating them ourselves "I bought it at Ross!," (which is something she often said - that was the ad campaign for that store)when someone's opening a gift - those little snippets of conversation have helped us remember her, without completely falling apart. But that may not work for everybody - we're kind of a strange bunch. :)
Also, I put out things that belonged to her, ornaments, even her old "Charlie Brown" fake Christmas tree.
I hope you find your own way that brings you some comfort this holiday season. Sending you many ((hugs))
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