Frijoles!

Today, I decided to have a Spanish Word of the Day here on my blog!

Frijoles - Pronounced "free-hole-ehz" -

It means beans!!!

Mmmm... frijoles are yummy. I have a special recipe for baked frijoles... let me share it with you:

Jana's Frijoles:

1 small can Bush's baked beans
1 small glob Smokey barbeque sauce
1 squirt of ketchup
1 squirt of mustard
Real bits of REAL bacon

Mix.

Eat.

Enjoy.

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Now let's practice using this new word in a song, shall we?

Frijoles, Frijoles, the magical fruit,
The more you eat the more you toot,
The more you toot the better you'll feel,
So eat frijoles at every meal!!!

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Also, in honor of the sad death of the awesomely cool actor Harvey Korman , I have selected a video highlighting his exceptional skills in the movie Blazing Saddles.

United or Exclusive?

Revisiting my previous rant about labels... let me explain why it is that labels annoy me so much:


I feel that labeling far too often leads to exclusion instead of true unity.

Yes, labeling can bring us great unity... with people just like us. If you are in the "Christian community", you bond with other Christians and learn about Christian culture and doctrines. If you are in the "black community" you bond with other members, find resources specific to your race, learn about your culture, etc. If you are in the "GLBT community", you bond with other people in the community, fight together against discrimination, help one another out, etc.


But there is a downside... exclusion. It seems like somehow once we've labeled ourselves, we begin to see those who are NOT labeled like us as a seperate entity. "If you are not __(Insert race, religion, political thingy, etc.)_, you're not like me. There is nothing I can learn from you, and no value in connecting with you."

It also makes it SO much easier to hate others when they're not individuals with faces... just a vague group of people who are obviously different from (and most likely inferior to) the group I'm labeled as.

That's probably the most important thing to me about my blog. I want it to be a place where EVERYONE can chat and feel welcome. I want it to be a place where we can hang out and meet each other, discuss things, learn about one another... no matter who you are, who you love, what you believe, or where you're from, I want you to feel welcomed and loved here.

3 Weeks

I have so much to say... so little energy to type it... lol

I've been without Prozac for three weeks now, and it's going okay. I can't say that it's been great, but it has been bearable.

The pros: Higher sexual interest, higher energy level

The cons: Insecurity, nervousness, lack of focus, some moodiness.

This weekend was busy but good... We got a ton done in the house (the kitchen is scrubbed down completely, except for one cabinet, and ready to paint!! We got rid of so much stuff that the room echoes! LITERALLY!), we visited his family, I painted my first acrylic painting, we watched some movies, we lounged in our jammies for a while... it was a nice weekend.

Through it all, I noticed two major things that I think were caused by my lack of happy pills:

*I have been feeling deeply insecure. Poor James has spent this weekend reassuring me about pretty much everything. I feel insecure about every area of my life... I feel so inadequate. In my head, I know that I am enough... but doubts still nag at me. At night, when we lay down, I find myself needing him to hold me... I need it so bad that it hurts. I want to stay in his arms forever and never leave.

*My nerves are on edge. Perhaps it's from the lack of sleep, the busyness, the pressures of so many things needing to be done, the fact that the harder we work on the house/yard the more things need to be done... we're constantly falling farther behind,... but it does not take hardly anything at all to set my nerves off. Basically I'm a nervous wreck at the moment. I'm guessing part of that might be because I fell off of the anti-caffine wagon, but some of it is caused by no happy pills.

It's been three weeks... and if these are the worst I get without the pills, I think I can handle this. One day, one step, at a time... I'll make it.

We're still semi-trying to get pregnant... I know it seems insanely soon, but I'm 28 and I have endometriosis... so really, if we want to ever have kids, we need to get busy now. Then if we can't, we'll still have time to consider other options. (Surgery for the endo, adoption, in vitro, etc.)

In funny news, at my sis-in-law's baby shower this weekend they played a game using these itty-bitty plastic babies... Aunt Nannie told me to keep mine and put it under my pillow as a fertility charm! LOL So, yes, if you look under my pillow... there is an inch-long little plastic baby calmly inspring my eggs to GROW! GROW! Hahaha

Weekend Funs

(Yes, I know "funs" isn't a word. Deal with it.)

I had all kinds of interesting adventures today:

Here is me, leaving for yard sales.


DANG my boobs look big in that pic!!!! Also, feel free to adore our kitchen floor (stripped of it's old linoleum and ready for new), cute white paint, and old blue painters tape. Can you TELL we're renovating??? LOL not at all, right?

Anywayz... I spent $25 and bought 2 bags of clothes for my sis-in-law (she's expecting a baby boy soon), 3 shirts and 1 pair of pants for my hubby, three shirts and one skirt for me, 5 movies, one model set (for us. How sad are we?), one jigsaw puzzle for the living room, and other stuff I can't remember. OH! I bought two cute wittle skirts (one has ZOEY from Elmo!), a swimsuit (with DORA!), a pair of pants, and a sweater for my niece!

Speaking of my niece... isn't she adorable and innocent looking???? I plan to corrupt her. Soon.
When I got home tonight, James and I decided to put together one of the models... how cool is that? Our own bike... go us!!!!! LOL

And now I'm sleepy. Nite everyone! More funs (and pics to be taken) tomorrow!

A Collage & Weekend Plans

The color on this is a bit wonky, since my scanner isn't hooked up and I took this pic inside at night... but oh well. And it's uneven, which drives me insane... *sigh*

This is part of a series of collages that have been rattling around in my brain for over a year. Literally. This one doesn't really capture what I want it to... but it's a good start. :)

To me, this is how depression feels... everything outside of me can be as bright and happy as can be... but inside of me everything is frozen and dead.

I'll try and take a pic tomorrow when it's light, so the pic will come out better.

*~*~*~*~*~*

I'm so glad it's finally the weekend!!!! Today I got off early (about 1:15) and came home and went DIRECTLY to bed... slept until 4:30!! Every night this week I've worked on the house until 10:30 or so and then finally went to bed... so today was catch-up day. Tomorrow we're going to work on the kitchen area some more (organizing, throwing things out, scrubbing, etc) and then hopefully by the end of the day it'll be ready for renovations and painting! YIPPEE!!!!!! A large portion of the floor needs to be ripped out because our deep freeze leaks and it's rotted out the floor underneath... we plan to defrost the freezer REALLY well this weekend, and then see if we can find some kind of pan to put under the freezer to catch the water, or some way to fix it.

But in case you're thinking my whole weekend will be filled with work... this is MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND! Do you KNOW what this means??

YARD SALES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pics of my bargains (if it doesn't rain) will be up on the blog soon!!! Woo hoo! I love yard sales!!!!!!!!!!

What are YOUR plans for the weekend?

Baby Names?

No, I'm not ranting about labels today. I'm tired of ranting.

Instead, I decided to entertain you with my baby-naming! Lets face it... baby names are much more exciting than telling you about the past week of my life (Leave work - grab fast food - clean/organize house - sleep - wake - work - lather - rinse - repeat), how poison ivy has attacked my arms and I want to scratch them until they bleed, or how the baby-creation efforts are going for us. (Cuz really, what kind of perv would you have to be to want to know those details? LOL)

So here are my fave girl names, and the nicknames I would use if we used them.

Annalysa - Anni - "Grace, Devoted to God"
Alexandra - Alex, Lexi - "Defender of Men"
Elysa - Elly - "Dedicated to God"
Isabella - Izzy - "Consecrated to God"
Jasmyn - Jaz - the flower. Duh.
Julyanna - Jewlz - "Downy" (Hey, isn't that a fabric softener? Wierd!)
Louissa - Luey? What do you call a Louisa for short? - "Famous Warrior"
Katheryn - Kat - "Pure"
Olyvia - Libby - "Elf Army" What the heck?!
Rose-Marie - Rosie
Violet - Vi

Yes, I like cute little girly-girl names with kick-butt crazy nicks.

What baby names do YOU like?

More Than A Label

You know, as human beings some of us love to organize things. As a person who suffers from OCD, I completely understand the need to put things neatly in little compartments.

But WHY is it that we find the need to do this to people?

The gays. The Jews. The whites. The blacks. The Christians. The liberals. The conservatives. The rich. The poor. The Mexicans. The Muslims.

And then, those aren't enough. OH NO. We have to add insults to the descriptions. The Chinks, the bleeding-heart liberals, the queers, the towel-heads,...

Do we not remember that the people we are talking about are INDIVIDUAL BEINGS?! People who have lives, and stories, and names, and FACES?!

And you know what REALLY grinds my gears? (If you know where that quote comes from, please leave a note in the comments so I can love you extra-specially much.) It really grinds my gears when people use these labels on THEMSELVES!!!! "Well, I hate everything __*insert politician here*___ says because I'm a ________." "I don't believe in _*insert wierd belief here*__ because I'm a _______." "I hate the ________ because I *insert superior tone here* am a ______."

STOP HIDING BEHIND LABELS!!!!!

Be ORIGINAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Define the REASONS for your beliefs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

People could put all kinds of labels on me... labels that might be obvious, or might surprise you. Labels that might fit like a glove, or be about 10 sizes too big or too small.

But ya know what? Above and beyond ALL of those labels, I am an individual person.

I am Jana. And THAT label is quite enough, thank-you-very-much.

Ingredient Of The Week - Spaghetti Sauce

Yes, I know, that is a wierd ingredient. How did we get on the subject?

Last week I decided to take three boring store-bought cans of spaghetti sauce, spice them up with my own ingredients, and then freeze them in jars to use later. A great plan, eh? Well, in the process, the spaghetti sauce got used for a variety of different (and unusual) recipes... so I thought I'd share them here!!!! :o)

First of all, how did I renovate the sauce? Well, I added things of course!!!! I added garlic & herb seasoning (I add that to almost everything), fresh chives from my garden, a bit of frozen spinach chopped finely, a bunch of chopped mushrooms, a bit of grated carrots to thicken up the sauce, and... hmm... I think that's all. OH!!!! I also fried some ground turkey and added it. Much healthier than hamburger I think, and not too much different taste-wise by the time all the spices and veggies are added in.

Suddenly, after adding the ingredients, I realized two very important things:

"Whoa... there is WAY too much meat for this sauce!"
"CRAP! I have nothing for James & I to take to work to eat tomorrow!"

Remembering that we had tortillas in the freezer, I decided to try a food experiment:

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Pizza Quesadilla:

Spaghetti sauce
2 Tortillas (I used regular flour tortillas.)
Shredded cheese (I used cheddar & monterey jack)
Fried hamburger or ground turkey
Optional: pepperoni

First, spray a large skillet with Pam and put on low heat. (I use setting #3 on my electric stove). While the pan is heating, lay one tortilla down on the table and spread some spaghetti sauce evenly over it (I didn't use a lot, since James is not a major tomato-flavor lover.) Toss some meat on it, cover with lots of cheese and pepperoni if you choose... put the other tortilla on top, and CAREFULLY carry it to the skillet. (I can't even count how many times the toppings have at least partially fallen out when I wasn't paying attention as I walked.)

Put the quesadilla in the skillet. Brown lightly, and then CAREFULLY turn it over (with a HUGE turner, the biggest one you own. Or, if you are like me and don't mind severe burns on your fingers, or constantly forget where you laid the turner, try and do it with your fingers.) Brown lightly on the other side, and then cut into pieces with a pizza cutter. It should look something like this:

And it tasted SO. AMAZINGLY. YUMMY. I had to force myself to stop eating so there would be some left for work the next day lol!

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Unfortunately, I was so excited about making the spaghetti sauce and blending the flavors, that I simmered it a bit to long, until it was really too thick to use for spaghetti sauce.

So what did I do with it? Well, most of it I put in containers to freeze, and use later as tomato paste for homemade pizzas! And then, an idea struck me:

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Tortilla Pizzas:

Tortillas (I used regular wheat tortillas for this, and they were PERFECT! They turned out crunchier than using the flour, and SO TASTY!)
Shredded cheese (I used cheddar & monterey jack)
Optional: Fried hamburger or ground turkey
Optional: pepperoni
Optional: other pizza toppings you like

Preheat oven to 425 degrees.

Take the desired number of tortillas and spread spaghetti sauce evenly on them. Add whatever toppings you choose, throw some cheese on top, and bake until the cheese is nice and melted (about 15 minutes, I think?) When you're done, they will look like this:

James gave this one rave reviews, and I'm sure it will be made often in the future!
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These may not be the healthiest of recipes, but they are a great alternative to the WAY UNHEALTHY options for quick meals I would normally go for when I needed a fast meal for our supper or lunches! Also, I had a lot of fun making the spaghetti healthier without changing the taste much!

Side Effects Are NOT Always Bad!

I have discovered one VERY nice side-effect to not having medication for my anxiety:

PRODUCTIVITY!

LOL I know it sounds crazy but holy crap, I got SO MUCH DONE this weekend! Check out how my front porch and yard looked when I got home from work Friday afternoon:
Note the insanely out of control bushes...
And the random litter.
And check out the pretty plant life!!!! Do you know where it was growing? IN. OUR. GUTTERS.
Beside it, we found MOSS growing in the gutter! How crazy is that?! I wonder in what decade the previous owners last cleaned the gutters??

Soooo... when I got home from work, I got busy. My boss promised to bring over his way-tall ladder for me to use, so while I was waiting on that, I started working on the yard. Between the yard and the guttering, James and I came inside about 8:30PM, showered, ate a cupcake each, andwent DIRECTLY to bed. Through the course of the evening, not only did we get the guttering ENTIRELY cleaned out (well, except for about 3 feet that did NOT seem securely attached to the roof, and therefore we didn't want to risk leaning the ladder up against it) and a bunch of plant life gone...

I had finally gotten the nerve up to be ON my roof!!!! Yeah! This is me laying on it, taking a pic of myself. It was kinda funny, cuz I barely coaxed myself up onto it... and as SOON as I was stepping onto it, the ladder shifted! I think James was afraid I was going to be terrified and never come down hahaha But instead, I happily posed for pics...
And then climbed down the ladder.

Today, I got up about 8:30, watched an episode of Cake (the cute kids crafty show, which always inspires and annoys me at the same itme), ate some cereal... and went back outside. I finished cleaning up the trimmings from the bushes I trimmed last night, prepared a section of the ground to plant green beans in later, cleaned the front porch off, unpacked a box of James's stuff, weeded some plants, transfered the grass from the soon-to-be bean patch, onto a section of grassless ground, and collapsed in utter exhaustion.

But look how much prettier our front yard is!!! (Yes, we need new venetian blinds for our bedroom windows. Thanks for noticing. Lol)
And look how much nicer it looks!!!!! So clean and pretty!!!!!

I also made two items using new collage materials I found, straightened the living room, found & installed a new vaccum bag, and other completely random tasks!!!

So see, all of this nervous energy is good for something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But now it's 1:40AM, so could someone please find the energy's off switch now? I need a nap.

Walkin' In My Hood - Mystery Plants

As I have been walking to work this week, I've noticed many plants that I can't identify!!! I thought I'd put them on here, for your visual pleasure and also because maybe you can help me identify them! Here are some of my random plant friends:

1. Mystery plant of cuteness:

This plant seems to grow in borders, and has light purple-ish flowers.

2. Mystery flowering wilty shrub:

Light pink flowers... so pretty!!! I want one of these in my yard... it reminds me of what would happen if a weeping willow & a cherry tree had babies. Anyone know what it could be?

3. Are these Columbines? I had columbines in my yard, but they were always orange. Do Columbines come in pretty colors too? (Like pink and purple, in the pics?)
4. Mystery Tree - This tree is SO PRETTY!!! I love it's pinkness...

And here is it's little flowers, close up!!! Is this a cherry tree, maybe?
5. Mystery waterfall bush

What the heck IS this thing?!
6. Mystery Flower of Puffballness!

Oh, look at the pretty purple fluffball... wnat IS it?

7. Orange Shrub of Mystery

I have one of these in my yard, only it is smaller and pink. I'd really like to know what it is.

Any of you know what these little guys are?

Zombies Everywhere!!!!

Are you wondering WHERE ON EARTH I got the inspiration for my zombie scenerio in my last post? Well, after deep contemplation, I realized the answer to that question:

I looked in the mirror.

Yes, I currently feel like I look like the walking dead. Perhaps it's my eyelids constantly wanting to droop, or the fact that I could pack for a family vacation in the bags under my eyes,... but whatever it is, my entire body is letting me know quite loudly that I NEED TO SLEEP.

I've made it through 11 days without my happy pills. I've conquered mood swings, irritability, nervous tension....

But I can't freakin sleep at night!!!!!! This has GOT to end, or I'm going to crack emotionally just from needing a nap.

We'll see if I can manage to catch some Z's tonight.

UPDATE: It's 11:15PM and I'm still awake. Tried to lay down at 7:30, but got hyper and couldn't sleep. Tried to lay down at 10, but started to worry, and couldn't sleep. Perhaps instead of Prozac, I just need Lunesta??????? *sigh* Here we go again... gonna play a video game for a few and then try sleep again.

What God Has Joined Together....

My friend Jessica and I are sitting here debating a deep philosophical subject. Here is the scenerio:

You know how people always ask you questions like, "would you rather save your mother, or your husband... your son or your father.." if a bus were coming at them, or an explosion was coming and you could only get one out?

Well, we have decided to take this question to a WHOLE new level. Our question?

The end of the world is upon us. All chocolate factories and cocoa beans have been destroyed (along with a bunch of other buildings, but who cares about those?) Your husband is standing in the street, (we don't know why, but he's a male, so it wouldn't make sense even if we DID know!) when you see that a crazed zombie coming towards him with a grenade! (OH NO! *throwing hands up in air in a shriek of horror*) Beside him, you notice the LAST PIECE, ON EARTH, of your favorite chocolate. The grenade is in the zombie's hand, waiting to be launched, and you only have time to make a single choice: Rescue the chocolate, or rescue the spouse.

Which one will you save? (Vote on the top right-hand corner of my blog!)

Tuesday In Randomness

Today, my brain is tired and I don't feel like delving into my heart and soul to find something meaningful to post about. So, I'll just give you some random updates on my life:

*~* I have been SO hungry today!!! All I want to do is eat. It's driving me crazy.

*~* We are officially a one-car family at the moment. We tried to fix the water pump on James's car (about 3 weeks ago), but in the process of fixing that, we messed up the timing on it... spent two weeks taking it all apart and putting it back together again, TWICE, to try and fix the timing... finally yesterday a mechanic looked at it and fixed it real quick. Today, James left for work, drove about 15-20 minutes, and the car overheated and died. *sigh* Poor little guy had to walk 2 hours to get home. The car is currently waiting for us at a local gas station... after work, we'll drive it home in spurts. (Drive a little, stop to let the car cool down... repeat until home)

*~* I'm wearing a hat today!!!! On anyone else, the hat would make them look like a scary hoodlim, but on me it kinda makes me look like an elf. It's hard to look threatening with a cute wittle nose. Regardless, hats make me happy and I am overjoyed to be wearing mine. :)

*~* I'm currently obsessing about foreign languages, and may start reading blogs in Spanish just for fun. Anyone know a good site to find e-mail penpals?

*~* I feel like all of my life is spent working, and I'm contemplating declaring next week to be a "fun art week" where I'm not allowed to make any vases or ornaments. Those are starting to feel A LOT like work, instead of something fun that I can pour myself into.

*~* Today is day #9 without happy pills, and guess what? I'm doing just fine. I've had some close calls... almost yelled at James yesterday, but caught myself... reminded myself to pause, relax, and think before I reacted... almost cried at work yesterday, but did the same thing. So far, so good. The main thing I'm noticing so far, is that without happy pills i will need a lot more time to myself. I need "me time" to recharge myself a LOT more without happy pills.

*~*I feel really overwhelmed by how much other people need me right now... but that could just be because right now EVERYONE is needing me. Two people want to claim me every Saturday to be their exclusive friend for that time. I REALLY need time to myself, so I have to figure out a way to tell everyone that. I need a break. It's not that I don't want friends, or don't want to spend time with friends... but my garden is getting all weedy, I haven't had time to plant the beans I wanted too, more poison ivy is sprouting, and I'm going crazy!

Ingredient of the Week: Chives

One VERY nice thing about the area where I live, is the chives you can find growing wild in pretty much any yard! These were growing alongside the sidewalk as I walked to work last week. I have several groups of them in my yard, and transplanted some to my garden. :) Tasty. I even used them in TWO yummy recipes!!!

UPDATE: Jami just sent me a link, telling about chives. It says:

"Chives are a perfect flavoring choice for those on diets to restrict calorie, fat or salt intake. They are fat-free and combine well with other herbs and spices as a salt-substitute. Chives are high in Vitamins A and C, potassium and calcium, and its sulfur compounds have antibiotic properties. "

WHO KNEW?????

Herbed Yummy Potatoes

3/4 lb potatoes - peeled or unpeeled

1 tbsp butter or margerine, softened

1 tbsp sour cream

2 tsp minced chives

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/8 teaspoon pepper

Cut potatoes into cubes about 3/4 inch across. Put the potatoes in a saucepan and cover with water. Bring to a boil. (YIPPEE! BUBBLES!!!) Reduce heat and simmer for 20 minutes.

Mix all the other ingredients in a little bowl. I also added some Garlic & Herb spice, because I LOVE garlic, and minced the green parts of some green onions to add.

Drain potatoes and add the spice mix. Toss gently. (Or not gently, if you've had a bad day and need to get rid of some stress.)

Mini Garlic Toasts of Yumminess

Ingredients:

Mushrooms
Chives
Frozen (or fresh) spinach
Garlic salt
Interesting spices
Shredded cheese
Sliced french bread

Preheat oven to 425 degrees.

Finely chop the mushrooms, chives, and spinach. They will look like this:



Put these ingredients in a cup or bowl, and stir together with the spices you want to use. (I used small amounts of garlic salt, garlic & herb seasoning, & garlic pepper) It will look like this:
Add lots of cheese to the mixture, and stir. Place slices of bread on a greased (I used PAM) cookie sheet. Spoon mixture onto slices of french bread.

Bake for 8 minutes, take out of oven, and SERVE! Look! Aren't they yummy????

Yes, they were. But now they are not, because they are all GONE!!!! (Jessica gave us her vote of approval on them too!)

So, now I ask you:

What do YOU use chives for??

Drugs & Decisions

Yesterday I started my period, and all hope of a baby is gone for now. But only for now! We may try again, but one major change that needs to be made first, is the happy pill issue. I need to find out what the risks are to my child if I AM on happy pills during my pregnancy... and I need to find out if I can make it in the world without the pills. Soooooo... for now, I am officially off my happy pills.

Today is day 5 without any happy pills, and I'm doing surprisingly well. I haven't killed my husband, or yelled much, or cried too often. I've been able to sleep okay, and had the energy to get a lot of things done.

A few positive changes:
It is a lot harder to avoid dealing with things that bother me.
I have more nervous energy, which I can channel into productivity!

A few negative changes:
MAJOR PROBLEMS FOCUSING. This is really annoying.
Unstable emotions... I snapped at James today. I cried for no reason.

So I guess for now we know the answer to "where do we go from here." We go off of happy pills, and see what happens. I know that regardless of how much I want to have a baby without taking anti-depressants, I do NOT want to sacrifice my marriage for it. If I see myself hurting James, lashing out at him, filling him with emotional baggage... then we will have to consider other options. We'll investigate the risks of anti-depressants on a pregnancy, and see if we feel right having a child that way. We'll look into adoption or foster care. We might just not have any kids.

Regardless of how many kids I do have or don't have... I have an amazingly blessed life, and it is enough just as it is. I'll be content, no matter what happens.

Oh, and the true test of my new life without happy pills? Tomorrow we are taking my mother-in-law out for lunch. THIS should be interesting.

Roller Coaster Rides & Crash Landings

This week has been the emotional roller coaster ride from Hades. It all started Sunday...

I'd been feeling kinda sick to my stomach on and off since Tuesday, when my friend Jessica came to my house sick. I got up Sunday morning, ate a McGriddle with Bacon (Mmm.... yummy) about 9AM, and laid down to watch movies with James and M, since M & I were both feeling sick. James left to take M home, and about 1:30 I started feeling REALLY WIERD. I felt weak and very shaky, and almost called James to beg him to come home. Instead, I got some leftover noodles and ate them... but didn't feel any better. Ate some more... no better... ate some bread... no better... but eventually the symptoms left.

Monday, it happened again. This time I had just eaten a yummy doughnut, so it wasn't from hunger... and it lasted way longer. We called the doctor and got an appointment... where she immediately asked me a question James and I had been discussing throughout the week... could I be... pregnant? She advised me against taking my anti-depressants, and prescribed me a blood test to see if I truly was pregnant.

And me? I began to panic quietly. And then I began to get a little excited. I browsed a pregnancy book at Walmart, and found out that if I WAS pregnant, my baby would be SO ITTY BITTY! Smaller than a bead. I began joking about a "bead baby."

Through the next 2 days, I alternately spent time panicing and planning... worrying about "what ifs" and dreaming about having a kiddo. I found out my sister in law is pregnant. Two people told me I was gaining weight in pregnant-ish places. (Boobs & belly). I began to hope! I dreamed of telling my mom, on Mother's Day, that she was a grandma.

I alternated between nausea and eating everything in sight. My boobs have been crazy sensitive. I've been tired all the time. My belly has felt wierd... what did that mean? And when the heck was my last period??? For the life of me, I can not remember! Did I have one in April?

Yesterday, I took a blood test to see. I spent my day waiting, wondering. I called the doctor's office to see if they had results, and the receptionist was rude. I sat at my desk and quietly cried. At the end of the day, I called again... the doctor was reading the results right then! Whew. Finally!

I got home, and eventually the phone DID ring. The nurse answered and said:

"Hi Janet, the results of your pregnancy test came back negative, but like Dr. P said, this is not definative. If you are still having symptoms in two weeks, we'll send you for another test."

I sat at my desk and sobbed. I have so many questions... if I AM pregnant, why is the test not showing it? And if I'm NOT pregnant, what the heck is WRONG with me? Since the test showed a negative result, should I go back on my anti-depressants? Since the doctor didn't seem convinced that I'm not pregnant, should I stay off the happy pills? What do I do now?

I went on a crazy cooking spree last night, dashing to the grocery store for ingredients just to get out of the house and think in the car. I cried a little in Kroger, but grabbed my ingredients (Dill weed! I've been wanting that for so long! I have so many recipes calling for it! Woooo hooooo!!) and came home. My hubby met me at home and helped me carry in groceries. We chatted and watched music videos online as I made supper. Made spaghetti & meat sauce, a brushetta from the freezer section, and an amazingly awesome brocolli with yummy sauce.

I guess I'm doing okay, just wondering why, ya know? If I'm not pregnant, why on earth did this happen? I was perfectly content not having kids anytime soon, until I thought I could be pregnant! I made all these plans and dreamed all these dreams... and now? Most likely, they are gone.

But I'm still hoping against hope that there is a little bead-sized baby in me, just hiding for now from the tests. And yes, that probably makes me a bit crazy... but that's okay. I'm strong enough to handle the disappointment if I'm wrong. For now, I'll err on the side of caution. I'm putting up the happy pills and trying to take care of myself. I'll take the next two weeks one day at a time, and see what each day brings.

Therapy & a Poll

Suzie was talking today about therapy at her blog. And ya know what? I wanna talk about it to! So I will.

Today is day #4 without any anti-depressants to tame my anxiety, so now is a GREAT time to discuss anxiety. Remember what happened the last time I stopped taking my meds? Yeah. If that happens again, I will REALLY need some therapy. But for now? I'm a bit edgy, and fidgeting a LOT more... and that's all. No other issues.

But if worse comes to worse, I need a plan.

So, here are some things that I use as therapy:

Professional therapy - I love my therapist. She rocks. I see her about every 3 weeks now, but I think I may bump that down to every 2 weeks, as life is getting a bit more stressful now. She always reassures me that I'm not crazy beyond crazy, and I need to hear that.

Yarn therapy - There is something seriously therapeutic about crocheting a baby hat (or another very easy pattern). I mean, the first time on a new pattern is hard, but after that... it's easy peasy, and your hands are occupied by the motion... soothed by the quiet counting in your mind... Ahhhhhh... *wishing I had yarn at work* When my dad was dying, I crocheted a crapload of baby hats for charity.

Cemetery therapy - I absolutely adore cemeteries. I always try to find one that is old, or has personality... not a new cemetery, with all the stones looking exactly the same (ug. How boring.), but an old cemetery with fun inscriptions and old stones in need of love. The peace in those cemetery absolutely saturates me, calming me and grounding me. Sometimes I take pictures of interesting stones... sometimes I write a poem or draw a drawing (dang. Where DID I put that journal page? I'll have to scan it in later.)... sometimes I just pick an old stone to love.

Music therapy - To reduce my anxiety this week, I've been trying to sing slow songs in my head. Current faves? "Travelin' Soldier" by Dixie Chicks, and "Break Down Here" by Julie Roberts. Whenever I start to feel anxious, I begin to sing a slow song in my head, and feel myself begin to relax. HOW COOL IS THAT?!

I also do general art therapy, hiking, gardening, and other forms of therapy... but the very coolest kind of therapy?

Cuteness therapy!





In the back of my mind, all week, has been the fact that this doggie needs a name. He is the cute yard-buddy of Kujo the Killer Corgi, absolutely cuter than heck and ALL ABOUT THE LUV. OMW. He is my favorite neighborhood doggie friend. And he needs a name. So please vote for a new name for him on the sidebar of my blog, okay? Thanks! :)

You Can't EVEN Be Serious

"GIRL, You gettin' FAT! My husband told me you was gettin' fat!" (This was said to me LOUDLY in the MIDDLE. OF. WALMART.)

On what planet is this considered polite conversation?!

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Because of some wierd medical issues I've been having, my doctor has advised me to stop taking my anti-depressants until she runs some tests to rule out a couple of things. This is day 2 without my happy pills, and my anxiety could power a city. I have no idea how I am going to manage the next few days.

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Today was the political primary here in Indiana (GO HILLARY!), and on my way home I was greeted by this scene:

She was holding up a little "Vote for Obama" sign. My husband objected strongly when I began to roll down my window to shout rudely make polite conversation about a flier Obama supporters put in my door. Which, BTW, had an outright LIE in it. (Which is a rant for a later date. But until then, just picture me loudly ranting Saturday to a puzzled James and a shocked M... "WHAT THE HECK IS HIS PROBLEM?! DO YOU SEE THIS??? DO. YOU. SEE. THIS?! THAT IS A LIE! A COMPLETE AND TOTAL LIE! *pointing at the lie while waving the flier around wildly in their faces and nearly hyperventilating*")

Then, a block away, I saw this:

He was a Hillary supporter! *proud of him*

So, I dropped my hubby off at home and went to vote... and then, alone in my little car, drove excitedly back to find our friendly sign-holding friends.

Guess what? THEY WERE ALREADY GONE!!!!!! I was BEYOND disappointed. All the work of voting, and I didn't even get to shout my political opinons at random strangers! I was sad. :(

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And this series of rants does not EVEN include the blood test vs the car saga, which is too long to recount and not yet over.

And shall I remind you, once again, that all of this his happening WITHOUT. MY. HAPPY PILLS?!

I'd do a recipe day...

But right now I feel like I need to vomit. So I'm gonna lay down now.