Still alive

Wow. It has been so long since I blogged. Lots of reasons for that - worries that my blog will be used against me in court at work... emotionally worn out from spending so much time connecting with others... and general avoidance of the areas in my life that could use some help or growth.

But I really miss having a "tribe", so I have been tossing around the idea of blogging again.  First though, I need to give you all some updates about life here. 

1. I have been at my job for over a year now! I love it when I have time to really connect with my clients, but the system has us overloaded with cases and red tape to the point that it is hard to find time.

2. I have really been struggling with infertility. If we can't get pregnant, my husband may not be willing to foster like I dream of, and that is hard as hell for me to swallow.

3. I am feeling drawn to connect with people - really connect. I generally hide inside myself, carefully guarding what comes into and out of me. The journey to connect will certainly be... interesting.

4. I have been pondering the motives I have for never getting my house clean, and how having a messy house gives me a "sheild" against letting people into my life. Deep deep stuff.

Soooooooo now I am wondering - what is new in your life?

Unloading

Wow, this has been a long week. First week of classes. First week of my internship. First day of a new schedule. First week of hubby's new classes.  A full week of chaos - eating out because there wasn't time to cook, meeting the hubby between classes to say hi...  Crazy. 

And on the subject of crazy, that's pretty much a good sumation of how I'm feeling right now.  I feel really off-balance. The week before classes, we had two days of intense training for the scholarship/job program I joined, and of course in the midst of that, two of my classmates were fighting. I was stuck in the middle, and so hurt and stressed.  Both apologized, but then one is continuing to hate and gossip about the other.  I started off my school week stressed about what to do about that problem, and dreading hearing conversation after conversation about how "Classmate X sucks. Classmate X is such a _____" I was up late worrying/praying about it the night before classes instead of sleeping, in fact. Not an auspicious start to my year. 

Also at the training, we talked about things that made me really worry about my ability to handle the job.  She asked our fears, and I expressed my fear that my own past would hinder my ability to do my job - basically that I would experience PTSD because I would be seeing my own abuse when I worked with kids.  Well, I didn't need to bring that up in the training, because when classes started, I learned that we have a class specifically addressing it. This happens so often, in fact, that there is a name for it. Unfortunately, the class means that I have to deal with my emotional crap in a public setting, which pretty much sucks, for an entire semester. 

All of that was fine, until I started my last class on Thursday, and ran into "The Professor from the Lower Depths of Hell" - the professor who noticably hated another student last year and gave her a grade in the class just one minus below the grade she needed. (I think she needed a C and got a C-). The student is now being held back for a year, to retake that class when it is offered again.  Said professor also noticably hates me... in fact, even though she was only sitting in to help a new professor taking over the class to answer questions, she reacted to my questions in a way that made my friend in the class tell me later "when I saw you raise your hand, I was like 'No! Don't do it!'" I was completely ready to cry by the time she left.
The thing that makes me stop and think about this situation, is the fact that with one simple note from my counselor, I could make her stop.  With one simple note, explaining the reasons that I seem to not be listening even when I am putting my full energy into concentrating on a lecture, she would be legally obligated to leave me the heck alone. But at what cost?  What would it do to my career if this particular professor knew that I have a diagnosed disorder that causes my behavior? Would it make it better, because she knows I'm trying and have an obstacle that just makes it really hard? Would it make it worse, since she knows the problem isn't something that she can fix with her wicked powerful death stare?

Stop!

On the way back from my apartment this week, I encountered a stop light.  I sat in my car, watching the car in front of me, and we waited... waited... waited.... waited... still red.  We waited... waited... I thought about honking and asking the person ahead of me to make a right turn just so we could move, even if it was in the wrong direction... but I waited.... waited.... Finally the car ahead of me moved up to just run the stoplight... and as soon as she moved up, past the white line, it turned green.

Right now my life feels like that intersection. It seems like so many parts of my life have a stop sign.  Healthy eating has been stopped by the heat - it's in the 80s in our apartment, with us not cooking. Cooking vegetables is just out of the question right now.  I'm so disappointed about that. We were doing SO. GOOD.  *sigh* 

My school project seems to have a stop sign.  I was so excited about the voter registration drive we were planning, but now it seems like others in the group aren't taking it seriously.  We have 8 days before our first drive, and I can't get the researchers to look up the laws about what we are and are not allowed to do.  I can't get the group members to read the e-mails from the professor with instructions to our group, to answer my texts, or to check the group facebook page. Our professor has been flipping out, thinking we are going to break the county's rules and cause a huge scandal. I finally sent an e-mail to the professor today, asking her what the consequences would be if I withdrew from the group. I poured my heart into this, I networked with the NAACP, I coordinated the group, I sent facebooks and texts... and now it was all for nothing, because of things out of my control.  There comes a time when you see the train heading for a collision, and you just gotta jump off and let it do what it will do.  So much for having the project done before school starts.

Counseling... wow.  Definately a stop sign.  Had a great session the week before last, about avoidance and detachment. Came in this week ready to conquer the world... No.  Epic counseling fail.  We talked about my blog post about silence, but I just couldn't connect to the emotions I felt when I wrote it.  I knew they were there, but it was like I was seperated from them by a river... I could see them but not touch them, you know?  So I couldn't make her understand why this was important to me.  It came out jumbled and detached and rambly.

I'm wondering if not taking the medicine was a mistake. I feel edgy, and critical of others.  I'm noticing I have started avoiding people more, because I am just not sure of my reactions now. In the end, I think I made the right choice.  I put up with wayyyyyyyy to much crap from people when I am medicated, and that's not okay. I need to get therapy for my issues while it's cheap, so that I'll be a better social worker when I graduate.  Yes, I know I could make it without the counseling, and still be awesome at my job... but I want to be MORE awesome.  Taking medication seems to make the therapy less effective, since my emotions are buried under so many layers of medication, self-protection, etc.

I know eventually the light will turn green, I'll be flying down the road of life and forget this stop light ever happened... so maybe I should just take this opportunity to focus on other things, learn, grow, and prepare myself for the green lights ahead.

Growth from the Ashes

Temporary Motherhood

My life took a dramatic turn on Friday night, when I looked on facebook and saw that my sister-in-law was at the ER.  She has a broken foot, and no way to take care of her two babies, Lillyan (age 2 and 1/2) and Steven (age 13 months).  Now, for an undetermined amount of time, I have two babies in my house. 

Crap, aunt Janet has a LOTTTTTTTTT of work to do on herself before she has her own kids.

I've found myself repeatedly snapping at the kids, and later regretting it.  I need to learn to love the babies and enjoy them, instead of trying to make my house a perfectly organized boot camp.

I also have to learn to get the 1 year old out of the tub ASAP, preferably BEFORE he poops in the tub... and to ask my husband to duct tape the lid of the strawberry milk mix down BEFORE it spills all over the diaper bag and all its contents. 

So, for right now, I'm going to be trying to balance my sewing and alteration business, my new English tutoring business, my normal life/wife/friendship duties, and the needs of two small children living with me for the next day/week/month. 

Crap.  Any advice? 

For now, I will be helping my family by learning from others about how they have improved their lives.  I'm doing to participate in Biblical Womanhood Friday, which can be found here:



And I'm going to have to be very, very, very organized!!!! My friend will watch the babies during my English lessons, and my husband can probably watch them while I sew... and one way or another, we'll figure this whole thing out!!!

Out of Control

Twice in my life I have been so wound up with uncontrolable stress that I have needed to compulsively organize bins in stores.  The first time was right before my wedding (the worst time of my life.) and the second was another day at Walmart. 

Yesterday I almost had to do it again. 

I feel so fragile right now.  I feel like my life is spinning out of control, and so am I.  I'm completely behind on my goals for the summer.  I have sacrificed productivity to avoid lonliness, but now wish for time alone but can't handle it when it comes.

I'm afraid that I'm pregnant.  I'm afraid to believe that I'm pregnant, because what if I'm wrong?  Can I handle the pressure of truly hoping for a pregnancy and then getting the period-of-all-hope-is-lost?  I want to be pregnant, but I feel unprepared.  What the heck does a woman do when she gets pregnant?  I need to read the books about the subject, but who has the time? 

I want to curl up in a small ball and cry, but the work needing to be done in my life screams at me at the top of it's lungs and I can't ignore it long enough to truly rest. 

I can't sleep at night.  I sleep late in the day.  I waste precious hours fighting to sleep and then more hours losing the fight to wake up. 

I really need a vacation, or perhaps this is a delayed result of no happy pills?

I want to ask for help, but the last time someone saw my weak moment, she lost all respect for me.  She said cruel and horrible things that I honestly have not been able to forgive.  I think somewhere along the way I vowed to never again show weakness to a friend, because I never want to be hurt that way again. 

So I badly need help, I feel horribly weak and fragile, but know that reaching out for help is not in any way a possibility. 

This bites.

The best laid plans...

The best laid plans NEVER work, so why do I try?  *dramatic sigh*

This weekend, I made a to-do list for each day this week.  Since I don't have a new daily planner yet, this is a good way for me to not forget appointments, keep track of what I need to do each day, etc...

Or it would be...

If I actually looked at the to-do lists.

This week and last week both went insane, and the to-do lists were totally lost in the shuffle.  For example: Sunday night I had a horrible IBS flare-up, which pretty much knocked me out of commission for a day.  Then, I couldn't sleep Monday night.  Or Tuesday night.  And not a whole lot last night either.  I'm now kind of a walking zombie... who is caring for a friend's 8-year old son for two days because his babysitter (aka his aunt) is having drama in her life and would be mean to him. 

So yeah, this week did not go AT ALL as planned. 

But really... was it all bad?  Nope.  When a friend asked me to go to a doctor's appointment with her, we talked and bonded, and I crocheted components for a bracelet.  When I was invited to a party with just a few hours notice, I got to hug and cuddle a new baby (he is only 10 days old!) and I ended up selling a broach and getting an alteration order, plus I will be making another broach and a bracelet in the future for another woman.  I was also asked if I could embroider flowers.  I of course replied that I could not, but would be learning soon :o)

So, my total profits for sure from that unexpected event will be $16.  The other broach and bracelet should get me $11 more, plus several of the women seemed interested in the bracelets.  Not bad for a party I wanted to go to anyway lol 

In sad news, I'm wayyyyyyy behind in my alterations, and have to send an apology message to a customer.  That always stinks.  I think when she sees the finished product though, she will be more than happy. 

So, there you have it... I'm exhausted beyond exhaustion, and my to-do lists are not at all working... but my house is freakishly clean, my laundry is done, my customers are mostly happy, and an 8-year old is happily playing Lego Star Wars in my living room.  Life is pretty awesomely good. 

Hiding Behind My Cushions

If my life continues along it's present course, I may have to make that the title of my blog. 

95% of my new friends have children.  Most of these children are young... and some are very young.  So my house is randomly invaded by small children, including my beloved niece Poopers (age 2.5) and her brother Stevenito (age 1 next week.)  I also have a wierd amount of friends and neighbors with four-year-olds, which is a lot of fun.  Buttttttt the problem is the little guys.  Cuz, being a woman with no children, my house is not exactly childproof. 

Did I mention that I sew and crochet?  Yeah.  This means I have needles, pins, and scissors.  EVERYWHERE. 

So tonight when my friend brought her 2 year old to my house, I found my house running to hide a lot of things.  A LOT of things.  Controllers for the Xbox, breakable picture frames, crafts I've made, etc.   Eventually I learned that the simplest way to deal with this situation was when LittleGuy grabbed a forbidden object, I would grab it from him, distract him, and hide it behind my couch cushion. 

By the end of the night, I had quite the little collection going.  A phone, a controller, scissors, crayons, random crafts,.... and so on and so forth. 

Can you imagine what will happen when we have children?  LOL  I'll have an entire house full of stuff, all hidden behind two couch cushions! 

For a reason beyond my comprehension, this makes me feel very amused. 

Save the Drama...

for your mama.

Today's question at Wishcasting Wednesday is: "What Rules Do You Wish to Make or Break?"

I wish I could break the rule in my head, the one that binds me and keeps me in situations (specifically jobs) where I take abuse, again and again and again... and believe i have ot take it. Maybe my rule is that good girls have to take it... when the coworker insults me, I take it... I don't have the power... I'm trapped by my finances...

Whatever.

As my job draws to a close (thank you GOD - 7 workdays left!) I am amazed at how much I've taken since starting here. I'm shocked and a little sickened to discover just how much of my heart and soul has been sucked out by this job... how heartless others have been, how insulting and demeaning and just completely sick and twisted...

And sick inside to look in the mirror, and see that I really thought I wasn't even worth the effort of fighting back for. Now I'm watching a coworker take on the role of scapegoat in my place... it just makes me sick inside. I see, in retrospect, how my confidence and love of my job was stripped away, one insult at a time... one snide comment... one humiliation...

I want to break the rule that tells me not to fight back. I want to bite with my sarcastic comments right on time, and yell back when I'm yelled at. I want to stand my ground, plant my feet, and say "this is ALL that I will take from you. BACK OFF."

Crossroads

I'm at a crossroad in my life... a million different decisions to make... a million different paths to walk on...

And I'm terrified. Loosing my job has opened up several possibilities to me... the chance to go to school, the chance to try and start my own craft business, or the chance to give my soul back to corporate America and loose myself in it's depths of soulless mind-numbing evil. (I have, as you may tell from my phrasing, not chosen the last option.)

The stress of this much change, of this many decisions, of this many things I feel unqualified to decide about... it's completely overwhelming right at this moment. I want to hide, deep deep deep deep deep inside myself... I want to wait for someone else to make a decision for me, or other doors to close, so I don't have to make a choice.

But that's ridiculous... so I'll just figure something out. And until then, I'll cry a lot, and feel extreme anger... and deal. LOL

So many choices...

I had been so excited about "giving corporate America the finger" after I lost my job, and going to school to get my social work degree...

And then I heard about another job possibility. It's similar to what I'm doing now - high workload, job isn't finished when you go home at night... but in a more laid-back atmosphere, with more interaction with human beings... which is WONDERFUL and exciting!

So what do I do? Do I risk it all, hoping to make a living selling crafts in a horrible economy, and hoping everything goes through okay so I can enroll in college? Or do I take the safe route, sell my soul back to corporate America, and pray this new venture is better than the one before?

Can I change to this new job and still take classes? Does it allow flexibile enough hours for me to do so? What are their expectations of me? Will I be able to find a reliable person to help me sell at craft fairs, especially if I have to be at work on Fridays?

Lots of questions... but you know what? No matter where my path leads, I know good things are in store... no matter how much bad there is, there is ALWAYS good to look forward to.

2 Months, 4 Days

Thats how much time until I'm officially unemployed.

I'm completely terrified (think upset stomach and panic attacks) and completely excited about telling corporate America to "Kiss This!" and starting my own business as I get my social work degree.

I unpacked the crafty things I had made in the past, which was awesome... Forever ago I had tried to make quilted baby bibs, which were really cute but not practical AT ALL. I was inspired this weekend to change them all into little girls purses... I think they will be awesome!

I've also been crocheting little girls flowered purses like this in a variety of colors...

I currently am making the "petals" for more purses in blue, light purple, dark purple, pink with green edges, pink with purple edges, and... more colors I can't remember at the moment.

I'm also excited because it's SPRING!!!! Warmer weather, fresh air.... ahhhhhhhhhh... *happy sigh*

A Difference

Today's question at Wishcasting Wednesday is: "Where do you wish to make a difference." This seems like an awesome question for me today, as I had my meeting for "displaced" employees this afternoon... seeing the other employees who were cut was pretty traumatic, but one very very very good thing happened:

I found out that I CAN take college classes WHILE drawing unemployment. In fact, because I am "displaced," they may even help PAY for my classes!!!

Suddenly I actually have the tools at my fingertips to accomplish my dream - to become a social worker, and make a difference!

CAN one person make a difference? Yes, I wholeheartedly believe they can. One person, being kind to a person from another country, can make a difference toward world peace. One person, being generous to another, can cause a ripple of generosity to spread and make the world a little less selfish. If even one child is given a word of encouragement when life seems like more than they can take, when they feel like it's impossible to overcome the obstacles in their way, or when everyone else is telling them it's not even worth trying... generations of children to come can be affected.

Do I feel strong enough for this? No. I feel completely inadequate. I am terrified of huge caseloads and broken children slipping through cracks. I'm worried that I'll become overwhelmed by the pain of those around me, or frustrated beyond repair by adults who can't see the damage they do to each other and their children. But for this moment, I'm chosing to give it a shot, and to show love and encouragement to as many children as I can for as long as I can take it. Maybe it is just a tiny drop in the gnormous bucket of abuse... but it's one more drop than there would be without me.

Dishclothing My Way

So, my last day of work is officially May 15th now. I have my letter from the university, materials about what happens next, and.... a plan.

I've decided that corporate America seriously bites and has drained large amounts of my soul. If there is ANY possible way to avoid another job working for The Man, I'm gonna give it a shot.

What does that mean for the future? Well, several ideas have come to mind, most of which are not yet ready to be aired on this blog. One, however, is ready for sharing:

I want to try and really make a business out of my art and crochet.

As phase 1 of this plan, I plan to try and stockpile items so that I can begin selling at local craft fairs. As I stockpile them, I'll put some in a local vintage market to see what sells there as well. I'll see what people like and don't like, and change what I make accordingly.

Right now, I'm focusing on dishclothes. I've been focusing on them for a while, and have made a ton of dishclothes. I've made them in many colors, many textures, using many patterns... I've made plain squares, attempted a circle, and created flower and butterfly shaped dishclothes. I've given a lot away though, which means that after all of this crocheting, I have a stockpile of only 17 dishclothes. My goal is to have a stock of at least 50 before I move onto making new items.

I really want to make a progress bar on my blog for this... does anyone know where I can find one? I've searched all over creation... no luck.

Okay, I'm going to go watch a stargate episode and make some dishcloths now. Have a lovely day everyone, and thanks for reading! :)

Where Do I Go From Here?

Today I got big news - the university I work at has been talking about layoffs for some time. Originally they were going to announce the layoffs over Spring break. (March ish.) Then they were going to announce the layoffs in Feb. Today my boss took me out for lunch... and told me the university had decided to eliminate my position. It wasn't personal, they didn't look at the people in the positions, they just looked at which one seemed least essential and cut it.

I have until June 30.

I should probably be upset... but I'm not. I almost broke when a coworker looked like he wanted to cry when he told me how sorry he was... I teared up when I found out my boss had went to my friend and coworker while I was in class, to tell her I would be needing a friend today... and when I found out my supervisor had told the same friend how proud she should be of me, for handling it in a professional manner, no tears or emotions - business as usual the rest of the day.

I've had a lot of drama at this job - good drama, bad drama, in-between drama... I've loved this job, hated this job, and everything in between...

But I'm TOTALLY ready for something new. I'm not sure what direction my life will take - where I will work, what I will do. Due to beaurocratic red tape, I may not be able to take classes this semester. I can't say where the next chapter in my journey will take me... will I use the unemployment period to look for a great job, really focus on getting an art business started? Will God maybe open a door for my husband and I to travel abroad as English teachers? (How fun would that be?!) Could I start a business tutoring people in English? Will I maybe end up pregnant, and need the time to take care of myself during my pregnancy? Who knows! The possibilities... are limitless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next step - talk to HR, find out more about my situation. Find details about the severance packages, etc. Keep an eye out for "the perfect job". Make my resume - really focus on updating my office skills - and make LOTS of art. I haven't unpacked my Mod-Podge. I have crocheted some, but I have not really put my heart into any artwork. I have a box I absolutely ADORE, and should make like 6 more similar to. Why haven't I done that already?? I have learned to do some basic needlework, and can really have fun making, renovating, and embellishing kids clothes.

Really, truly, the possibilities ARE limitless.

Back to Blogging

So, my life has completely gone down the toilet. We're still not done in the house. We still can't live in the house. James is living with Pam and Tim to be close to his job. I'm living with Karima to be close to my job.

No, our marriage is not over, we are not seperating except physically while we try to salvage our financial life, get heat turned on in our house, and destroy the evil substance known as mold from our casa. I won't go into the crap I'm taking for this, the humiliation in front of the students at my job (thanks mother-in-law, that was kind. But in happy news, all of my friends hate you, which does give me a warm and fuzzy feeling.), and in front of my coworkers because of hateful gossips. (And if you want to give me advice concerning my marriage, right now is not the time, unless you can avoid thrown objects VERY well, because my aim completely rocks.)

I've learned a lot from it... like the fact that when I went off of my anti-anxiety medicine and thought my life was so much better... I was really just making my life into a bubble. I cut everyone but my husband out... barely saw friends, avoided family, and made my home into my refuge filled with peace and art and love. Now I can't hide... my refuge is gone... and I'm falling apart. Debating medication again, but trying to see if I can make it on my own, learn from this experience, maybe grow through it.

Completely filled with anger right now... anger at life, at people, at everything. Depressed... but making it. Still working on my house, still living my life, just not really myself at the moment. Dealing with social anxiety, crap at work, feeling like a failure to God, my husband, my friends... completely imperfect and not at all okay with it.

But whatever. Life is wierd, and crazy, and people suck... but some people don't suck. I've lost my peace and security, but I've gained a friend who is now my sister... which is fun and interesting. The Princess will be introduced to you all in a later post.

For now I need to mud a wall so James can sand it tomorrow, and then I can paint when I get home. Wooo hooo! Each drop of paint, each glob of mud neatly smeared, brings us one step closer to moving back into my home. Until that day comes... I'm gonna jump into this wierdly imperfect new life I've found... make new friends, enjoy my new social life, and just generally rock the world with my awesome cuteness.

Or possibly just take a nap.

Life Updates in Pictures

So how are things in my life? I thought I'd give you a little tour in pictures:
We're still preparing to re-roof the house next month... one of our helpers has bailed, we have to make sure the other one can be there or we may have to try and find a way to budget a professional to come do it. For now it's patched up, and we're ripping out moldy ceilings and such (well, sort of... long story, which will require way more pics.) to try and keep any biohazards out. Anyway, note the light gray patching which I did, and later covered with black roofing patch... much less water is leaking into the bedrooms now!

Sarah-doggie, pictured here looking perplexed at a doggie treat, is loving being an indoor doggie but shedding like CRAZY!!! What hte heck?????

M, the unofficially-adopted daughter, had her 18th birthday in May! Here we are celebrating at Red Lobster. Behind us, you might notice, is the huge aquarium with the large crabs. We ate some of their cousins during our meal... I was not too impressed, but James and M liked them! I enjoyed the shrimp, and shockingly... I enjoyed the stuffed mushrooms, which DID contain both lobster and crab meats.

Here are greens and brocolli growin in my garden, along with weeds and the impossible-to-remove poppies.

My husband has decided to grow a goatee. HOT, is he not? it's getting longer and fuller these days too.

Yes, I did build a trellis completely out of bits of leftover yarn and discarded yarned creations. I planted two very-cool types of beans that climb this year... I forget what kind these are, but the others are called asparagus beans and the instructions tell you to pick the beans, for best flavor, when they are eighteen INCHES or smaller. I kid you not... the things should be huge! How fun is that?!

As always, poison ivy is attempting to steal my soul. Here it is growing in my garden/poppy patch.
Sarah-doggie, looking cute like always.

And last but not least... a pic and poem.

bowed

imperfect

Beautiful

Updates on Jana's Life

WOW! Life is busy but way fun!!!!

In news here:

I have completed several things from my 101 things in 1001 days project:
#3 Volunteer at WILL center or Special Olympics - Completed this today by volunteering at the Special Olympics. I worked at the volunteer sign-in tent, so didn't have much contact with the athletes or families, but it was really a great experience either way. Next year I'd like to interact more with the athletes.
#4 Volunteer at the ICU where my dad died, or at a CODA shelter - I tried to volunteer at the CODA shelter, but got no response when I e-mailed them about it. Felt deeply annoyed, so I volunteered elsewhere.
#15. Make a Craft with Aunt Martha - Changed from "Finish Wedding Scrapbook with Aunt Martha" after wedding scrapbook was destroyed. I haven't completed this yet, but will later this month. (I think)

We're preparing to reroof our house at the beginning of July, since parts of our ceiling have now collapsed. Scrubbing everything down with bleach to kill mold, scouting yard scales and begging on Freecycle for tools, and reading book after book about roof repair and replacement.... this is our married life at the moment. I can't wait to have this all FIXED!!!

I'm learning more and more Arabic, which makes me feel happy inside.

We're doing a lot of yard work, so our yard is looking MUCH better. I'll post pics some other time.

I've discovered that my social anxiety has gotten worse. Now not only does the thought of speaking a foreign language to someone I know make me ill, but the thought of making a new friend makes me want to projectile vomit with fear. (Okay, that was a little bit overdramatic, but seriously... I was sick to my stomach and in tears Friday after trying to make a friend.) Why is it that I can learn strange foreign languages, program databases, organize anything that I see, and make an A in honors English... but basic social interactions make me physically ill? I discussed this with my friend Pam, and we delved deeply into my childhood experiences with rejection, and how vulnerable friendships make me feel now. I'm not really sure where to go or what to do with this issue, but it will probably be discussed (or re-hashed) on my blog at later dates. If I had time, I would REALLY like to do some intuitive collage regarding this... maybe tomorrow afternoon.

Now it's time for bed... I'll try to post on here more often and be a better blog-reader, but no promises. Econ 100 will be starting this Monday and I'll have 4 quizzes and one final exam each week... I'll be a bit busy. LOL

Instead of Typing...

I'm going to blog. I need a break from paper-writing for a few.

So, what's new in all of your lives? For me...

IT'S GARDEN TIME! Inspired by a post at Robyn's blog, I will tell you a little about my garden adventures. Unfortunately, since it is dark, this post will not have visual aids. *sniffle* I'm sure my camera would take some interesting pics with the flash, but it would just not be the same.

So, what have i planted so far? Welll.... of the things that I've planted, the following have emerged from the ground:

Broccoli, Brussel sprouts, collard greens, mustard greens, lettuce, 3 types of onions, and chives.

The following are also planted:

Leeks, snap peas, spinach mustard geens, cauliflawr (you know, I just typed that word like 5 different ways and none look right... whatever. It can just stay wrong.), another type of lettuce, dill, cilantro, parsley, lemon basil, and savory.

OH! And for the first time EVER, I have sweet peas growing in the yard! I have successfully killed them the past 2 or three summers... but this year, they are STILL ALIVE! Wooooooo!!!!

Also, since it is garden time, do you all remember what this means?

POISON IVY.

We've brought the doggie inside, and of course any time I let her out to play, she gets into the ivy. We're working as fast as possible to get all of the ivy out of our yard, but it is not going so well. I HAVE cleared off a must bigger portion of the ground than last year, and at a much earlier part of the year. In fact, part of it is cleared enough that once hubby puts the debris in a bag (he's not allergic... douchebag.), I may even plant some carrots there. I've not only cleared the ground, I've even used the hoe to dig the ground up and get the roots out. In all honesty though, I started clearing this patch of ground last year, so it should definately be more clear lol.

In other news, my pastor has challenged us to not think or speak negative things... we are even supposed to keep a container in our house, to put a quarter in each time we say something negative.

I just put a quarter in for calling my husband a douchebag earlier in this post...

It was WELL worth it. :o)

Almost There!!!!!!

I'm now about 3/4 of the way through my first semester as a college student!! *happy clap* I have classes until the end of April, and finals the first week of May... two major papers due in the meantime, plus some other assignments and tests, and 13.75 hours of volunteer work. (Sound exhausting? LOL it is.)

I'm doing one paper on Childhood Emotional Abuse (for my Social Work class) and one on Gay/Lesbian foster parents (for my English class, but the sources will be re-used for my next Social Work class, where I have to do another "population paper" talking about a particular group of people). What am I learning?

Re: Childhood Emotional Abuse - OMW! No one can even DEFINE what "emotional abuse" is, let alone give any worthwhile statistics about the subject! I found it VERY frustrating. ARRRRRGGGGGGGG!!!!

Re: Gay/Lesbian foster parents - Absolutely nothing, because I haven't read any of the journal articles I printed off yet! LOL There IS a lot more information online than I expected though, so that will be nice. I have six or seven articles to choose from, and I'm not even done searching! Remember how this winter I tried to find studies about how the children of gay/lesbian parents were affected, and came up with a whole bunch of nothin?? I'm hoping these will shed some light on the subject. :o)

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My volunteer work is going really well, I plan to keep volunteering when my class is done if at all possible. As a result of my volunteer time, I'm working (again) to learn ASL, and my basketball skills are definately improving! James went with me last week, and ended up playing basketball with the kiddos for the ENTIRE 3 hours that we were there (as a player most of the time, and as a ref some of the time). He was beyond exhausted when we got home LOL

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I was going to give a lot more news here, but honestly I have a migrane and just want to head to bed... so I think that's what I'll do. I've been having migranes for the past week pretty heavily... can't wait for that to end.