Wow, this has been a long week. First week of classes. First week of my internship. First day of a new schedule. First week of hubby's new classes. A full week of chaos - eating out because there wasn't time to cook, meeting the hubby between classes to say hi... Crazy.
And on the subject of crazy, that's pretty much a good sumation of how I'm feeling right now. I feel really off-balance. The week before classes, we had two days of intense training for the scholarship/job program I joined, and of course in the midst of that, two of my classmates were fighting. I was stuck in the middle, and so hurt and stressed. Both apologized, but then one is continuing to hate and gossip about the other. I started off my school week stressed about what to do about that problem, and dreading hearing conversation after conversation about how "Classmate X sucks. Classmate X is such a _____" I was up late worrying/praying about it the night before classes instead of sleeping, in fact. Not an auspicious start to my year.
Also at the training, we talked about things that made me really worry about my ability to handle the job. She asked our fears, and I expressed my fear that my own past would hinder my ability to do my job - basically that I would experience PTSD because I would be seeing my own abuse when I worked with kids. Well, I didn't need to bring that up in the training, because when classes started, I learned that we have a class specifically addressing it. This happens so often, in fact, that there is a name for it. Unfortunately, the class means that I have to deal with my emotional crap in a public setting, which pretty much sucks, for an entire semester.
All of that was fine, until I started my last class on Thursday, and ran into "The Professor from the Lower Depths of Hell" - the professor who noticably hated another student last year and gave her a grade in the class just one minus below the grade she needed. (I think she needed a C and got a C-). The student is now being held back for a year, to retake that class when it is offered again. Said professor also noticably hates me... in fact, even though she was only sitting in to help a new professor taking over the class to answer questions, she reacted to my questions in a way that made my friend in the class tell me later "when I saw you raise your hand, I was like 'No! Don't do it!'" I was completely ready to cry by the time she left.
The thing that makes me stop and think about this situation, is the fact that with one simple note from my counselor, I could make her stop. With one simple note, explaining the reasons that I seem to not be listening even when I am putting my full energy into concentrating on a lecture, she would be legally obligated to leave me the heck alone. But at what cost? What would it do to my career if this particular professor knew that I have a diagnosed disorder that causes my behavior? Would it make it better, because she knows I'm trying and have an obstacle that just makes it really hard? Would it make it worse, since she knows the problem isn't something that she can fix with her wicked powerful death stare?
And on the subject of crazy, that's pretty much a good sumation of how I'm feeling right now. I feel really off-balance. The week before classes, we had two days of intense training for the scholarship/job program I joined, and of course in the midst of that, two of my classmates were fighting. I was stuck in the middle, and so hurt and stressed. Both apologized, but then one is continuing to hate and gossip about the other. I started off my school week stressed about what to do about that problem, and dreading hearing conversation after conversation about how "Classmate X sucks. Classmate X is such a _____" I was up late worrying/praying about it the night before classes instead of sleeping, in fact. Not an auspicious start to my year.
Also at the training, we talked about things that made me really worry about my ability to handle the job. She asked our fears, and I expressed my fear that my own past would hinder my ability to do my job - basically that I would experience PTSD because I would be seeing my own abuse when I worked with kids. Well, I didn't need to bring that up in the training, because when classes started, I learned that we have a class specifically addressing it. This happens so often, in fact, that there is a name for it. Unfortunately, the class means that I have to deal with my emotional crap in a public setting, which pretty much sucks, for an entire semester.
All of that was fine, until I started my last class on Thursday, and ran into "The Professor from the Lower Depths of Hell" - the professor who noticably hated another student last year and gave her a grade in the class just one minus below the grade she needed. (I think she needed a C and got a C-). The student is now being held back for a year, to retake that class when it is offered again. Said professor also noticably hates me... in fact, even though she was only sitting in to help a new professor taking over the class to answer questions, she reacted to my questions in a way that made my friend in the class tell me later "when I saw you raise your hand, I was like 'No! Don't do it!'" I was completely ready to cry by the time she left.
The thing that makes me stop and think about this situation, is the fact that with one simple note from my counselor, I could make her stop. With one simple note, explaining the reasons that I seem to not be listening even when I am putting my full energy into concentrating on a lecture, she would be legally obligated to leave me the heck alone. But at what cost? What would it do to my career if this particular professor knew that I have a diagnosed disorder that causes my behavior? Would it make it better, because she knows I'm trying and have an obstacle that just makes it really hard? Would it make it worse, since she knows the problem isn't something that she can fix with her wicked powerful death stare?
1 comment:
Im praying for you Jana
I pray that next week will be better
its just an idea but I wonder what would happen if you chose to walk away when the negative talk about Classmate X comes up. You dont need to listen to it. Walking away would send a clear message that it her behaviour isnt acceptable to you.
I also pray that the class to deal with stuff from your past helps you
Lastly I hope you dont have to have much to do with that Professor
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