Running

my soul is so filled

a deep river

emotions I can't even reach

pain I run from

 

a life I carefully constructed

bit by bit

debris from a shattered life

forged into a wall

deep

dark

protective

safe

Tuesday we watched a video in my Child Abuse & Neglect class. It was the story of a little girl who was physically and sexually abused beginning from the time she was 3 until she was 12 by her father, and then by her brothers. While all of this was happening, her mom was a victim of domestic abuse. Her mom knew she was being raped, and did nothing. The little girl would be in the home being raped by her father, or by one of her brothers under the direction of her father, and her mom would go outside to prune the roses as if nothing was happening.  She talked about a neighbor woman who gave huge hugs and told her that what her dad did (the neighbor knew something was wrong but not all of it) and God didn't like what was happening. 

I held it together in the class - no one knew what was going on inside me - but I was triggered in a thousand ways. I talked to the class about the role of God in domestic abuse - the well-meaning people telling women to stay with their husbands, so God would save the husband or because divorce was wrong. I talked about the people who told my mom to stay with my dad, and how confusing God was to me. How confusing God still is to me, in some ways.   She talked about how angry she got with her mom as she began to comprehend what her mother had allowed.  I get that. I am still forgiving my mom, again and again and again and again. I know the blame was on my dad, but I identify with him. I can't comprehend what she did or why she did it.

The womanin the video talked about the world she made for herself - a happy marriage, a successful law career, everything so perfect. She began therapy and held to those things so tightly, because they were things she made for herself - basically, things her family hadn't contaminated.  As therapy went on, her marriage ended and she left her career.  She felt like her father's hand was reaching out from the grave and screwing up her life decades after his death. 

I get that.  The decisions made by my parents created ripples that still hit my life at unexpected moments. I never know when they will come and threaten to knock down my the walls of self-protection I have made.

I feel fragile this week, overwhelmed and lost.