Connection

The theme of my life lately has been connection. I found a book in July, which I would tell you the name of but... where the heck is it?  Anyway, it's about connection, and as you can tell I have not gotten too far in the book. Like... 2 pages. Literally.  That is how well my journey to connecting with others has gone lately. 

I really struggle with letting myself be touched emotionally.  I'm okay with touching others - sharing my pain, my struggle, my humanity... but I am not AT ALL okay with being touchable.  I don't want to leave my house after work.  I don't want to spend time with people.  Some would say this is depression, but honestly - it is me. My earliest social memories involve me making excuses why I did not want to go with my little cousin on great adventures that I knew I would LOVE if I went.  I made excuses so I could stay alone in my house while my parents were working.  Do my chores, then read a book or watch TV or whatever... with no pressure. No working to be what others wanted.  No working to hide emotions that were too intense for the adults in my life to deal with.  Just... being. 

And here I am, years later... my lights are off in my apartment, and I'm alone.  I could talk on FB to friends, or text them, but I would rather not. I could invite a friend over (dear Lord, no, don't even get me started on why people need to stay the heck away from my safe place!), go to a friend's home, or take a friend and go do something I love... but no.  No I am just fine where  am.  Lonely? Yeah... I'd be lying if I said I was not lonely.  I'm just not lonely enough to deal with the stress/risks/demands/drama that social interactions entail.  Guilt for not being more "loveable" is intense - not being a better daughter/wife/friend is overwhelming, and that pressure just makes me want to hide that much more!

I'm getting there. I'm experimenting with slow increases in how I connect with those around me.  Trying to really be present when I am with others, instead of hiding in my emotional "happy place" behind a wall.  Trying to turn off the computer/tv/netflix and really listen when people talk.  

It's a struggle... but I feel like to have the marriage I want, the life I want, I need to get past this wall I put up. How to get past it? Well, one brick at a time sounds like a good start! 

Poor Mr. Beloved

So Mr. Beloved is staying home from work sick again today... he has a high fever (101.?), he has thrown up, and has a horrible headache.  I told him if he isn't better when I wake up, we're going to the doctor.  I'm not sure exactly what is wrong, but I'm thinking it's heat exhaustion.  His job is in a very hot building, the heat index in Indiana has been over 100, and his car isn't air conditioned... I think it was just too hot, he's been drinking too little water, and he did to much. 

Poor Guy.

So my best-laid plans for the week are gone... I can't clean the room my husband is sleeping in (my plan for today), or do a photo shoot with the little girl modeling my hairthings which was my plan for today (hubby may need to go to the doctor.)... I'm not sure I will even be able to go to Walmart to restock my craft supplies...

But as long as the Beloved is better, it's all worth it.

Poor Guy. 

Back to Blogging

So, my life has completely gone down the toilet. We're still not done in the house. We still can't live in the house. James is living with Pam and Tim to be close to his job. I'm living with Karima to be close to my job.

No, our marriage is not over, we are not seperating except physically while we try to salvage our financial life, get heat turned on in our house, and destroy the evil substance known as mold from our casa. I won't go into the crap I'm taking for this, the humiliation in front of the students at my job (thanks mother-in-law, that was kind. But in happy news, all of my friends hate you, which does give me a warm and fuzzy feeling.), and in front of my coworkers because of hateful gossips. (And if you want to give me advice concerning my marriage, right now is not the time, unless you can avoid thrown objects VERY well, because my aim completely rocks.)

I've learned a lot from it... like the fact that when I went off of my anti-anxiety medicine and thought my life was so much better... I was really just making my life into a bubble. I cut everyone but my husband out... barely saw friends, avoided family, and made my home into my refuge filled with peace and art and love. Now I can't hide... my refuge is gone... and I'm falling apart. Debating medication again, but trying to see if I can make it on my own, learn from this experience, maybe grow through it.

Completely filled with anger right now... anger at life, at people, at everything. Depressed... but making it. Still working on my house, still living my life, just not really myself at the moment. Dealing with social anxiety, crap at work, feeling like a failure to God, my husband, my friends... completely imperfect and not at all okay with it.

But whatever. Life is wierd, and crazy, and people suck... but some people don't suck. I've lost my peace and security, but I've gained a friend who is now my sister... which is fun and interesting. The Princess will be introduced to you all in a later post.

For now I need to mud a wall so James can sand it tomorrow, and then I can paint when I get home. Wooo hooo! Each drop of paint, each glob of mud neatly smeared, brings us one step closer to moving back into my home. Until that day comes... I'm gonna jump into this wierdly imperfect new life I've found... make new friends, enjoy my new social life, and just generally rock the world with my awesome cuteness.

Or possibly just take a nap.

WHAT THE HECK?!

UPDATE: It looks like I over-reacted to the situation. Evidently I WILL still be doing the plumbing... it's a bit confusing, but that seems to be the gist of the situation. I think. Uncle Norman has just suggested different parts and such that we might need, evidently? (While also stating that HE wasn't going to put me down under the house. Which is fine... I can get there all by myself. I mean, the entire bathroom floor will be gone! I'm sure I can find somewhere to crawl under lol) I apologized to my hubby, and life is good...

And I get to do my plumbing, hehehehe!!!!

This is what I wrote before I calmed down, and although I did over-react to James, the anti-girl plumber I sensed in Uncle Norman is still there and I am still offended. However... my husband doesn't agree with him, and that's really all that matters to me:

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Why is it that men assume a penis is required for any type of construction work? Does the penis lift the hammer? Do you use the penis to hold the pipe as you attach it? What the friggin heck?!!!!!!

*sigh* Yeah, I just realized that I have been excluded from all the work being done ON MY OWN HOUSE this weekend, because I lack the necessary penis for construction. *angry eye roll* I'm putting most of the blame on Uncle Norman, but James is on my crap list too. It's not right to expect me to sit around and knit a friggin sweater when I am perfectly capable of helping with the construction work. Cook them a little lunch cuz that's what women are for... *angry eye roll*

Unfortunately, this battle is pretty much too late to be fought... since Uncle Norman is volunteering to work (and James and I can neither one do it on our own or learn how to in the next 2 days) it would be very bad to spend my time spitting and swearing at him because he's being a chauvenist pig. I have already yelled at the hubby for putting me in this situation... there's really not much more I can do at this point. Which makes me even madder, may I just add?

It's not that I have a burning desire to work on plumbing, to get all nasty under the house and encounter all sorts of strange bugs and such... I mean, it would be one thing if the house construction was being planned and I had said "Oh, great, while you guys work I'll get this other room painted and so on and so forth..." but it's a WHOLE different thing when I'm deliberately excluded from the work, involuntarily, simply because of gender. When it's assumed that I am incapable of doing certain things, just because the typical role of a woman is to do something different.

The feeling of being powerless over my own home, the feeling of being deliberately excluded from an activity just because of my gender, and the assumption that my gender prevents me from accomplishing a task I am physically able to do... THESE are why I consider myself a feminist.

TGIF!!!!!!!

I'm so glad it's the weekend!!!!!!!

(Yeah, that's all I have to say at the moment.)

Oh wait. I have more to say now. *editing post*

I do apologize for being such a sucky blogger, and not visiting blogs... I think I just need a break. I can't seem to make myself want to have even the slightest human interactions at the moment (online or off), and I figure that its just a passing thing and I'll snap out of it soon. I want to regroup some this weekend... I feel un-centered, if that makes any sense. During the weekdays when James is off work, I wake up as James's wife (he wakes up with me most days), then I go to work as Bill's employee, and come home to being James's wife... even go to bed as James's wife. I feel like I've just lost touch with Jana. I need to learn how to be Jana no matter what.... but that's another thing for another day. Today, I plan to take some time and go to a yard sale or something before going home... just enough that I'm Jana again, and then I can go home to my hubby. :) And then the weekend begins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What are you all doing this weekend???

Where Have I Been Lately?

OH CRAP!!!! I haven't posted in forever!!!!! Where have I been?

OH YEAH! I've been hanging out with my little niece, K-girl!
And her baby brother, K-boy!!!!! (Is he not just SO insanely little and cute???

And watching them be adorable TOGETHER!!! (He's like "DUDE! I'm trying to SLEEP here!! Ya mind?!)

We've been playing with the Kareoke (Yeah, I spelled it wrong. Deal with it.) machine we bought for $5 at a yard sale! (Ignore the door, we are SO repainting it soon and replacing those curtains... BLECK!)
And playing Texas Hold 'Em Poker, with a set we bought for 8 dollars at a different yard sale! Everything was new except the case, which had a broken latch. BIG DEAL! LOL What a bargain.

And making baby bibs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The crocheted ones in the top left are done and ready to sell... all the rest are in various states of production lol I'm feeling the bib vibes wearing off, so I'll probably finish these and then move onto something else for a while until my "bibbing mojo" comes back LOL

Depression... I can't say it's gone, but it has lessened some. I plan to listen to all of your advice, believe it or not. Tomorrow night I plan to get a notebook and set it aside to journal my depression and anxiety. I also plan to grab some St Johns Wort (Note to Brian: I'm going to look for it at Nancy's herb shop on 41), and ask if it is safe for me since I may become pregnant. Jen, if I get to the point where it is consistently taking over my life, I plan to take the journal to my doctor, and ask for a different medication... perhaps one that I can take AS NEEDED instead of all of the time. I more or less plan to take one day at a time, and see what feels right.

Dramatic Shifts

This weekend was crazy... after a day spent with James's family running errands (helping aunts with this and that), we had the family 4th of July doins, complete with fireworks. We stayed the night at Aunt Anita's house, and she and I stayed up til 3 AM chatting (girl talk! YEAH!). I was happily napping on her pull-out couch...

When the phone rang.

James's job calling, telling him that as of right then he was switched to the shift-of-all-suckiness. They wanted him to leave that instant to come to work (another guy didn't show up) but we were 35 minutes from home, and it's another hour from home to work. James explained that he was away for the day but could start today. James is now working the following shift: (Keep in mind he has about an hour drive each way.)

Saturday: 5AM to 5:30PM
Sunday: 5AM to 5:30PM
Monday: 5AM to 5:30 PM
Tuesday - Friday off

Why is this such a big deal? I work Monday thru Friday. This means....

I will have to take a day off of work to do anything major with my hubby.
We won't be able to go to church together at all, except for Wed. night prophesy class. (Have I ranted about how much I HATE prophesy?)
No more lazy Saturdays watching movies with my hubby.
I will go to all his family gatherings alone. (I *heart* his family, so I'll still go.)

I have cried on and off since we got the news at 8: 27AM yesterday. It shouldn't be such a big deal, but it is. I'm ANGRY because James has seniority over so many people, and was put on the shift-of-all-suckiness simply because he IS such a good worker. I'm disappointed that the first Sunday we were going to be members of my church, I'm home alone instead. I'm disappointed because we won't be able to go hiking on cool Saturdays... or visit friends or family together... I'll be spending my weekends alone.

It's not without advantages... I should probably concentrate on those:

~This will make it WAY easier for us to work on the house... When James takes his vacation days, he'll end up with a totall of 11 days off in a row.
~This will make it easier for me to get the housecleaning caught up, since James is going to do more on his days off.
~This will give me alone time, which I generally need for my sanity. It's a bit over-abundant... but still okay I guess.
~We can make plans of the evenings, instead of just a rushed supper and then James going to bed. We'll be able to cook supper together, which will be really fun... and then be able to watch a movie together if we want! *happy at that thought*
~I get off early on Fridays, so if James takes a nap earlier in the day, we might be able to hike on Friday afternoons.

So, there are advantages and disadvantages of this... but for whatever reason, I just feel the need to sit and cry about it. It's been a long while since I've felt this seriously depressed... but I'm allowing myself to feel it, examine it, accept it... and hopefully soon I'll be ready and able to move to a different emotion.

What's Up, Buttercup?

So you're probably wondering what I've been doing...

Well, aside from the basics.. (the car is FIXED!!!!!!!! Made my first crock pot meal, had my first real fight with James, had my first make-up sex with James - and YES, it IS all it's cracked up to be!!!! lol, visited my mommy, hung out with Kim and Jakey)... I have been:

Attempting to transplant a Hollyhock plant from my mom's house. So far, it is not going well lol


Admiring the growth of my green beans... and if you look close, do you know what you'll see?
A BLOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! From each of these blooms will come a green bean!! *beyond excited*

Taking wierd pics of the awesomely cool flowers growing in my yard...
And making a stockpile of things to sell, either on my Etsy site once I get it up and running, or at local craft fairs... and my current obsession? BABY BIBS!!!!!

This is my work table, filled with bibs in process and 3 that are ready to sell already! :) I'm learning so much from making them, and having a TON of fun in the process. So far I've only done ones for girls, but once I use up these yarns I'll switch and do some for boys. FUN!!!!! :o)

So.... what have YOU all been doing???

Trapped

Sometimes people don't really grasp the impact their advice could have on a marriage.

For the past 2 months and 13 days (HOLY CRAP. It's been THAT long?! *filled with anger and hurt*) I've gotten an earful as I walked to work daily waiting for James's car to be fixed. (James works an hour drive from home, and was taking my car.) James was not showing much initiative about getting it fixed... (Yes, my husband does read this blog, and he won't argue with that fact.) much to the dismay of my coworkers.

I heard a lot of advice from them... "get in his face EVERY DAY and nag him about it until he cracks!", "If that were my old lady, the first day she had to walk to work.... *insert dire consequences here*", "someone's got to wear the pants in this relationship, and it doesn't seem like James is going to do it..."

Now, may i just remind you that I come from a seriously nasty verbally/emotionally abusive home? I even posted a collage (somewhere? lol I can't find it) about how I see in myself both the abused and the abuser...

I don't talk about how through my teenage years I emotionally abused my mother to the point that it still haunts me. I don't talk about how I emotionally abused my friend Jade to the point that she probably still needs counseling. I don't talk about how I almost didn't marry James because I was afraid I'd abuse him too. This is my worst fear.

So now, here I am, completely trapped. By not doing anything about the situations in our marriage, nothing will ever change. The dominant phrase of our married life seems to be "If I don't do it, it won't get done." I've begun saying things... pressuring him to help me more... and in some ways it's worked! We've worked out a plan for meals! (Whoever cooks, the other one does the dishes immediately after the meal.) Our kitchen has stayed clean for weeks!

But at what cost?

I feel the angry abuser rising up inside of me, more and more each day. I don't WANT to wear the pants in our relationship. It's not fair that I should be asked to wear the pants! I ALREADY WEAR THE FREAKIN' SKIRT!

It's not fair that people think it's my job to nag James every day to do things he darn well knows need done! I'M NOT HIS FREAKIN' MOTHER! Why is the success or failure of our marriage placed entirely on MY shoulders?!

I'm beyond angry... at my self for letting him use my car, which is what started this chain of events... at my husband for not giving our marriage more effort...

But mainly I'm angry that after decades of women fighting for equal rights, THIS is where we're at. I'm still seen as a failure if our relationship has issues. I'm still expected to have a clean house, but also expected to work a full time job and care for any children we might have. I'm expected to control my husband, but if anyone hears about it I'm called a b#$%&.

And do you know who puts the bulk of this pressure on me? OTHER WOMEN! WTHeck is their problem?!

So, at the moment the only options I see are:

1. Abuse James - hate self - commit suicide.
2. Medicate myself deeply - not care - loose self completely - never have babies.
3. Don't abuse James or medicate - crack under the pressure - come to hate James - kill him as he sleeps.

So far, I'm still going with option #3. I'm hoping that if we ride things out, we'll learn to get a system going for more and more things, and life will improve. Maybe I won't have to kill him as he sleeps. (Maybe instead I'll poison his food... black-eyed peas, James?)

But if I hear ONE. MORE. COMMENT. about how it's a woman's lot in life to be her husband's mother... especially if it's said BY A WOMAN... i may have to add an option:

4. Kill woman who said it - Go to prison - Become the newest "friend" to Bertha the 500lb lesbian cellmate - Learn to love orange clothes and ugly slippers.

Progress Report

Thought I'd give some random updates:


*We're still working on getting the house cleaned and organized... will it ever end??? LOL I've gotten rid of so much of the old roomate's stuff, which has helped A LOT. I've given a lot away on freecycle and still have some stuff to take to Goodwill. I really need to go through my art supplies... I have so much stuff... and I hate to throw stuff out, knowing I might want it later. BUT... I have so much stuff that I can never find anything, and that is more frustration than it's worth... so... tonight I'll begin using up stuff so I don't have to throw it away!! LOL I'm so bad.

*I bought a new camera. I feel guilt for spending the $$$, but at the same time I will use it so much that it is worth it to me. Far cheaper than getting film developed or making copies of other people's pics. I'm also going to enter some photo contests, and hopefully *crossing fingers* win back some of the money I spent.

*I've been insanely emotional this week, for no explainable reason. I've moped around like a teenage emo-kid, and cried at random intervals. I feel like the house is never going to get clean... and as I spend my time trying to get caught up on that, the back yard is becoming a wilderness again. I also haven't made any art, and my inner child is becoming very sad. (Probably the reason for my emo-ness. I must appease her!)

*My back is better but still not totally healed. Yesterday I made it the whole day without any pain pills!!!! Yippee!!!! Today is not going quite as well... i walked to work again (day #3 of this week) and my back was hurting really badly by the time I got in to work. No idea why.

*I set a record high weight yesterday *sigh* Scales suck!!!!

*I'm almost crocheting a baby blankie for my new nephew!!! I never thought I could have the patience to finish even a baby blankie.... i'm so proud!!!!

*I managed to fry the middle finger of my right hand... more about the "Flautas of Death" will be on our Foodie Blog tonight, after i get the pics (of the flautas, not of the burns... the burns look gross.) loaded onto my computer.

*Today at work, I was discussing my emotional-ness with a coworker... and got the second vote-of-approval for the natural me. She and my husband both like me better unmedicated... which surprised me. Emotionalness and all... they still love me. That really moved me.

*James found the fuel system I need to make my glass bead-making kit work, and it is CHEAP!!!!!!! I'm so excited!!!!! It will be my reward for having a clean house! WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO!

Tuesday In Randomness

Today, my brain is tired and I don't feel like delving into my heart and soul to find something meaningful to post about. So, I'll just give you some random updates on my life:

*~* I have been SO hungry today!!! All I want to do is eat. It's driving me crazy.

*~* We are officially a one-car family at the moment. We tried to fix the water pump on James's car (about 3 weeks ago), but in the process of fixing that, we messed up the timing on it... spent two weeks taking it all apart and putting it back together again, TWICE, to try and fix the timing... finally yesterday a mechanic looked at it and fixed it real quick. Today, James left for work, drove about 15-20 minutes, and the car overheated and died. *sigh* Poor little guy had to walk 2 hours to get home. The car is currently waiting for us at a local gas station... after work, we'll drive it home in spurts. (Drive a little, stop to let the car cool down... repeat until home)

*~* I'm wearing a hat today!!!! On anyone else, the hat would make them look like a scary hoodlim, but on me it kinda makes me look like an elf. It's hard to look threatening with a cute wittle nose. Regardless, hats make me happy and I am overjoyed to be wearing mine. :)

*~* I'm currently obsessing about foreign languages, and may start reading blogs in Spanish just for fun. Anyone know a good site to find e-mail penpals?

*~* I feel like all of my life is spent working, and I'm contemplating declaring next week to be a "fun art week" where I'm not allowed to make any vases or ornaments. Those are starting to feel A LOT like work, instead of something fun that I can pour myself into.

*~* Today is day #9 without happy pills, and guess what? I'm doing just fine. I've had some close calls... almost yelled at James yesterday, but caught myself... reminded myself to pause, relax, and think before I reacted... almost cried at work yesterday, but did the same thing. So far, so good. The main thing I'm noticing so far, is that without happy pills i will need a lot more time to myself. I need "me time" to recharge myself a LOT more without happy pills.

*~*I feel really overwhelmed by how much other people need me right now... but that could just be because right now EVERYONE is needing me. Two people want to claim me every Saturday to be their exclusive friend for that time. I REALLY need time to myself, so I have to figure out a way to tell everyone that. I need a break. It's not that I don't want friends, or don't want to spend time with friends... but my garden is getting all weedy, I haven't had time to plant the beans I wanted too, more poison ivy is sprouting, and I'm going crazy!

Drugs & Decisions

Yesterday I started my period, and all hope of a baby is gone for now. But only for now! We may try again, but one major change that needs to be made first, is the happy pill issue. I need to find out what the risks are to my child if I AM on happy pills during my pregnancy... and I need to find out if I can make it in the world without the pills. Soooooo... for now, I am officially off my happy pills.

Today is day 5 without any happy pills, and I'm doing surprisingly well. I haven't killed my husband, or yelled much, or cried too often. I've been able to sleep okay, and had the energy to get a lot of things done.

A few positive changes:
It is a lot harder to avoid dealing with things that bother me.
I have more nervous energy, which I can channel into productivity!

A few negative changes:
MAJOR PROBLEMS FOCUSING. This is really annoying.
Unstable emotions... I snapped at James today. I cried for no reason.

So I guess for now we know the answer to "where do we go from here." We go off of happy pills, and see what happens. I know that regardless of how much I want to have a baby without taking anti-depressants, I do NOT want to sacrifice my marriage for it. If I see myself hurting James, lashing out at him, filling him with emotional baggage... then we will have to consider other options. We'll investigate the risks of anti-depressants on a pregnancy, and see if we feel right having a child that way. We'll look into adoption or foster care. We might just not have any kids.

Regardless of how many kids I do have or don't have... I have an amazingly blessed life, and it is enough just as it is. I'll be content, no matter what happens.

Oh, and the true test of my new life without happy pills? Tomorrow we are taking my mother-in-law out for lunch. THIS should be interesting.

Roller Coaster Rides & Crash Landings

This week has been the emotional roller coaster ride from Hades. It all started Sunday...

I'd been feeling kinda sick to my stomach on and off since Tuesday, when my friend Jessica came to my house sick. I got up Sunday morning, ate a McGriddle with Bacon (Mmm.... yummy) about 9AM, and laid down to watch movies with James and M, since M & I were both feeling sick. James left to take M home, and about 1:30 I started feeling REALLY WIERD. I felt weak and very shaky, and almost called James to beg him to come home. Instead, I got some leftover noodles and ate them... but didn't feel any better. Ate some more... no better... ate some bread... no better... but eventually the symptoms left.

Monday, it happened again. This time I had just eaten a yummy doughnut, so it wasn't from hunger... and it lasted way longer. We called the doctor and got an appointment... where she immediately asked me a question James and I had been discussing throughout the week... could I be... pregnant? She advised me against taking my anti-depressants, and prescribed me a blood test to see if I truly was pregnant.

And me? I began to panic quietly. And then I began to get a little excited. I browsed a pregnancy book at Walmart, and found out that if I WAS pregnant, my baby would be SO ITTY BITTY! Smaller than a bead. I began joking about a "bead baby."

Through the next 2 days, I alternately spent time panicing and planning... worrying about "what ifs" and dreaming about having a kiddo. I found out my sister in law is pregnant. Two people told me I was gaining weight in pregnant-ish places. (Boobs & belly). I began to hope! I dreamed of telling my mom, on Mother's Day, that she was a grandma.

I alternated between nausea and eating everything in sight. My boobs have been crazy sensitive. I've been tired all the time. My belly has felt wierd... what did that mean? And when the heck was my last period??? For the life of me, I can not remember! Did I have one in April?

Yesterday, I took a blood test to see. I spent my day waiting, wondering. I called the doctor's office to see if they had results, and the receptionist was rude. I sat at my desk and quietly cried. At the end of the day, I called again... the doctor was reading the results right then! Whew. Finally!

I got home, and eventually the phone DID ring. The nurse answered and said:

"Hi Janet, the results of your pregnancy test came back negative, but like Dr. P said, this is not definative. If you are still having symptoms in two weeks, we'll send you for another test."

I sat at my desk and sobbed. I have so many questions... if I AM pregnant, why is the test not showing it? And if I'm NOT pregnant, what the heck is WRONG with me? Since the test showed a negative result, should I go back on my anti-depressants? Since the doctor didn't seem convinced that I'm not pregnant, should I stay off the happy pills? What do I do now?

I went on a crazy cooking spree last night, dashing to the grocery store for ingredients just to get out of the house and think in the car. I cried a little in Kroger, but grabbed my ingredients (Dill weed! I've been wanting that for so long! I have so many recipes calling for it! Woooo hooooo!!) and came home. My hubby met me at home and helped me carry in groceries. We chatted and watched music videos online as I made supper. Made spaghetti & meat sauce, a brushetta from the freezer section, and an amazingly awesome brocolli with yummy sauce.

I guess I'm doing okay, just wondering why, ya know? If I'm not pregnant, why on earth did this happen? I was perfectly content not having kids anytime soon, until I thought I could be pregnant! I made all these plans and dreamed all these dreams... and now? Most likely, they are gone.

But I'm still hoping against hope that there is a little bead-sized baby in me, just hiding for now from the tests. And yes, that probably makes me a bit crazy... but that's okay. I'm strong enough to handle the disappointment if I'm wrong. For now, I'll err on the side of caution. I'm putting up the happy pills and trying to take care of myself. I'll take the next two weeks one day at a time, and see what each day brings.

A Little Down

I really hate birthdays. I know I rant about that every year, but they really do annoy me. I miss my dad like crazy... I miss hoping he would call... I just miss him. I plan to visit his grave sometime soon.

I have decided that every friend in my outside-the-computer-life asks for far too much help from me, and am considering going on a help-strike. No homework help, no computer help, no rides, no cleaning.... ESPECIALLY if the words "thank you" are not included in your vocabulary.

Now that I have ranted, and feel cleansed...

Not everything is bad!!!! Lots is good, in fact!

Remember when I posted here about my intimacy issues because of endometriosis?? We have learned to compensate, and that the pain kind of cycles... some days don't hurt at all! (Other days... well... we won't go there.) Intimacy rocks!!!!!!!!!!!!

I finally finished one of the two swaps I'm behind on... One was making 31 pages for an itty bitty book to swap, (that one I finished) and one is making 11 quilt blocks to swap. I LOVE LOVE LOVE how much swaps like that stretch my abilities!! I learn SO much from each swap I enter! I do not-so-much love how much pressure I feel as I swap... "Is it good enough? Will people like it? Mine seems different than everyone else's!" I need to learn that although Jana-art is very different than other people's... (less girl stuff. lots more words. less ribbons. No bows.)... it is okay. I need to look for swaps that seem to embrace that distinctiveness. I also need to READ THE FREAKING DIRECTIONS BEFORE I MAKE THE STUFF!! You know, I always got a G (G = good, S = Satisfactory, N = needs improvement) on my report card in kindergarten for "Follows directions well". Why the heck am I having such a problem as an adult?!?! Also, while I'm ranting, WHERE THE HECK IS MY SEAM RIPPER?! Okay, I feel better now that i've said that.

Okay, this post is getting really random... probably because it's six am and I'm awake... *shudder*. I have a nice warm bed waiting for me, and an awesome hubby to cuddle... so... goodnight everyone! If you've managed to read this far, and survived my completely bizarre ramblings... you deserve a cookie. Oatmeal cookie, anyone? *handing them out, one plate of with raisins and one plate without*

Wellness Wednesday - Sorta

Yeah, yeah, I know it's not Wednesday anymore. It FEELS like a Wednesday today, so I'm going to go ahead and join Wellness Wednesday a day late.

Remember how before I was married I was gonna cook healthy food for me and my hubby, with lots of healthy veggies and little fat & cholesterol?

WOW THAT WAS UNREALISTIC!

I tried that in January... it did SO not work. I ended up settling in January for food that was edible (aka not burnt), and fast food for less than half the meals. I attempted to cook a veggie with each meal. James got breakfasts at Hardees a large portion of the time.

In Febuary, poverty hit, and we tried to live from the food in our cabinets. I settled for eating fast food one or two suppers a week, and concentrated on learning to cook in bulk so James would have food to take from work. Veggies were slowly forgotten. Healthy food was not even thought of.

Now, in March, the poverty is gradually beginning to lessen. I've learned some food basics that stretch (spaghetti, cavatini, hamburger helper meals, quiche, etc.) so that James & I neither one need to buy breakfasts or lunch. We've not been eating out hardly at all (fast-food or otherwise), and I'm trying to get back into the swing of cooking veggies. I think it will help when people sell veggies along the road again... a constant reminder, AND a cheap source of veggies! The foods I'm making aren't terribly unhealthy, but they are MUCH better than McDonalds. We're improving, slowly, and I'm okay with that!

April's food goals? I don't have any. I'll just take things as they come. We'll probably grill more as the weather gets better, and cook more veggies as they come into season... but no pressure to improve. I am happy to just keep the status quo for a while, with no back-sliding into chronic McDonalds meals!

Life in Random

Some random thoughts from my weekend:

-A yummy potato recipe for you: Peel & cut up potatoes as if for mashing. Put them in a saucepan and bring the water to boil. Boil for about 15 minutes. While the potatos boil, melt some margerine (i used about 1/3 of a cup for 4 HUGE potatoes) and stir in garlic, salt, pepper, and random spices that sound yummy) Drain the potatoes, put them in a bowl, and pour the margerine mixure over the taters. Toss or stir the taters to mix the spices in. Eat until satisfied.

-Since the wedding, I've found myself becoming more and more withdrawn. At first I thought it was just because marriage was new, and I wanted to get used to my hubby. Then I thought it was beause all of my friends were argueing, and who really wants to deal with that stress?? But it's been two and a half months now, and it has NOT gotten better. In fact, it's WORSE!!! I dread going anywhere where I have to talk to people... friends houses, church,... bleck. I hope it goes away soon. I miss feeling friendly. I don't really miss being used/screwed over though, so I guess it all equals out in the end. :o)

-Migrane season is officially here.

-Diablo 2 is the most fun game, EVER.

-I have a new poll on the right side of my blog! Vote! Vote!

-Hitman is an AWESOME movie! I *heart* it.

-I love my hubby.

My Computer is FIXED!!!!!!

Today my computer finally came home from the hospital, after his motherboard bypass surgery. (His video port on the motherboard was burnt out, somehow, so we had to get a video card that attached a different way. Which bites, because my original video card was SOOOOOOOOOO awesomely powerful. *sigh*)

I have missed having a computer around, especially when I want to listen to music or look for quick info online. I've missed evening chats with Alison, and being able to post pics on my blog whenever I want.

What I didn't miss about the internet-less time though, is all the artistic things I accomplished. I currently have 87 ornaments collaged and ready for embellishment! I've had a lot of fun with this, and learned SO MUCH about collage already! I've also definately enjoyed the extra time with my hubby... It's amazing to me, how afraid I was of having him living here. I was terrified that I would feel smothered, need more alone time, etc... instead, I miss him like crazy when he is not here! It's so... WIERD! lol But a good kind of wierd. Marriage is definately more work than we anticipated... but the love we share is worth every bit of the work.

Yesterday

Can you believe, yesterday was James & I's one month anniversary! We have been married only a month! It seems like we've always been together. :)

He pointed out yesterday that it was our one month anniversary... but I wasn't feeling too cheerful. Later, I realized that it was also the one-year anniversary of The Call. One week from today marks the anniversary of my father's death.

I've pretty much went into emotional shutdown in the past week or so... the pressures of work, learning to work together in marriage, money, leaky roofs,... combined with knowing that it's Febuary, and eventually I will have to deal with my father's death... It's been hard. In so many ways, I just want to lay down and hide from it all... I don't want to get up, or go to work, or go anywhere else... I just want to hide from it all. But grief is not something that you can hide from.

So for the next two weeks, I'm making a commitment on this blog to be open with what i'm feeling. My blog may not be the warm-fuzziest place for these two weeks, it may not always be cheerful and happy,... but I know I'm not alone in grieving, and maybe someone reading this will need to know that they aren't alone either.

Awwwwwwwwww..

When I came home, my hubby met me...

and offered me a nice, HOT shower.

HE GOT THE PIPES THAWED OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In My News....

I have the hiccups.

We're having a major cold spell here in Indiana... not only have there been record low temps OUTSIDE... but there have been record lows INSIDE our house too. Our new record? 52 degrees. All of our pipes have frozen... even pipes that have never frozen before!!!!! The only water we still have is cold water to the bathroom sink and toilet. The advantage of this? The bedroom is the only warm room in the house, so we are forced to spend all of our time in there. :)

We bought and watched the Family Guy: Blue Harvest. It was okay, but not NEARLY as good as I expected. Especially Stewie... I expected so much better of him!

We watched Rambo 1, and it was surprisingly good! Who knew???

I cooked several times this week... the results?
Bachelor's delight chicken - sucked
Unstuffed cabbage - EDIBLE!!!! *shout of victory*

(I made something else, but don't remember what. I think it sucked too though.)

I'm over half-way through knitting my second dishcloth for the year! (#2 of 12! Go me!)

I'm loving married life. It rocks!!!!!!!!!