When he said my name
I cowered, knees shaking
Wide eyes peeked around a corner
Looking for Daddy
Where is he at
What had I done this time
Left a lawn chair open in the yard
An empty bread sack on the floor
Did I do something bad without knowing it
Would I dodge flying objects
Plates, flashlights,
Flour exploding from it's container
As my father exploded with rage
"I'll kill you both
And then I'll kill myself!"
Would today be the day
That he carried out his threat
When he came out of his bedroom
Would the gun be loaded
Twenty years later
My fear still hasn't been erased
I feel it every time
When a man raises his voice
A boss, a pastor, even a friend
Will the fear ever fade?
7 comments:
Yes, Jana the fear will fade. I went through some intense counseling to deal with that, although my fear of my dad was of different things than yours. I had to look at my ungodly beliefs, and ask God to replace them with new ones. Over time He did and I began to heal. I have to watch myself still that I don't enter into that again, but each time it is easier. I will remember to pray for you in this area. I had no idea things were that bad with him. I sure do love ya!!! ((((((hugs))))))
yes. In time you'll even forgive, which doesn't mean: it's okay. It means: I am no longer tied to you by strings I cannot see. I forgive you and set myself free.
Everything in its own time.
Congrats to you for your courage, for not letting secrets control you - for putting things out in the light where you can truely see.
hugs
With Christ ALL things are POSSIBLE! Yes, that fear will fade....only with God's help! Lean strong on him! Maybe try to find someone who does Prayers Healing. I went through 1 prayer healing session because of the pain I had left from my mother treating me like less than human, verbally, and I got great peace from that! God wants all of us, put your fear on His shoulders!
Love ya!
Oh my dear dear friend
Im crying for the little girl that you were. Big Hug to that little girl I wish I could gather her into my arms and take her away from all that
Im also crying for my own older two with what they had to live through for 3 months before I met Muzz.
Some men dont deserve to have children.
Jana you now a capable, strong, brave, honest, and lovely woman. I pray that you can be strong with God at your side helping you to overcome your fear
Love you my sister in the Lord
BIG BIG HUG
Amy, No one but Grandma and Grandpa knew anything close to the full story... and he'd threatened repeatedly to kill them. They were kinda powerless. Grandpa later said if he'd known how bad things had been, he might have killed my dad. I was like :oO
Tammy... forgiveness is a deep subject. I've forgiven my dad... but the rest of the world (teachers, counselors, "church" people, etc.) are a whole different story. Must work on that. *sigh*
Berylla, what is prayer healing? Never heard of it.
Jen... omw... you made me as I read that. You have no idea how bad I need to know you cried for the little girl inside. *hugging the snot out of you*
good work, jana, getting all this out in the light of day, creatively. i really feel for you. and i am so impressed with the woman you've become. you may still feel the imprint of old pain and fears, but you are choosing to proceed with such light. that is courage. what's that quote...? something about how choosing to act with courage wouldn't be courageous at all if you didn't feel afraid... but i'm sure that reflexive fear WILL fade. and that your courage and light will not.
I have childhood demons too - some I haven't told a soul and they eat away at me sometimes.
you are very brave to put this here - I held my breath as I read the poem. thankyou xoxo
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