2 Months and a Week

That's how long I have until I'm officially unemployed. Holy crap... that doesn't seem like much time!!!! I have a lot to do... I want to start selling my crafts as soon as my job ends! I'm crocheting and sewing up a storm here, and panicking that maybe I won't get enough done or be ready. PLUS I plan to start classes toward my social work degree at the same time... busy busy busy!!!!

So, I decided to take my goals here, and make them into a tidy to-do list of things I want to get done in the next two weeks. I'll mark them off as they are done, and life will be great.

Business:

1. Unpack and organize all craft things
2. Wash the already-made items
3. Price and pack the already-made items
4. Find list of events coming up
5. Post wanted items on Freecycle
6. Check Freecycle for responses - Mon, Wed, Friday, Sunday, Tues, Thurs, Sat
7. Look into selling at Latta's Vintage Market and other locations locally
8. Make price tags
9. Look into business cards (Moo cards?)
10. Organize crochet patterns into a binder
11. Make quilted bibs into cute purses
12. Finish making baby stacking toy
13. Make 5 beehive potholder
14. Finish sewing my shirt

Financial:

1. Make a budget
2. Do taxes (Find W-2s, Read Pub 527, Print forms, Do federal taxes, Do state taxes)
3. Contact Work One
4. Sign up for workshops offered to "displaced" workers at my job

Educational:

1. Apply as an actual student
2. Pay money owed to college #1
3. Request my husband's transcripts
4. Request my transcripts

Blah blah blah, these are my goals... this is probably the most boring blog post I've ever written, but putting goals on here gives me motivation lol

Ugg.

Is it better to have a job that you know you can do and do well, so that every day you leave feeling like you are the queen of the world, or a job where you are so deeply challenged that you leave every day thinking "Holy crap, I completely and totally SUCK!"?

Work, quite honestly, is sucking right now. It feels like centuries since I've received a compliment of any kind, the supervisory personnel are on this new "shorten the time it takes" kick, at the same time they are adding new responsibilities, and every day this week I've left my job with my head down, wondering why I can't make this job work. I've been in trouble this week for items not being done fast enough, for looking angry in a meeting, and for sounding too emotional in e-mails. (Which, now that I think about it, may be a miscommunication - a comment or two sent to the supervisor, which she thought was sent to others. Must explain that later.)

I'm just feeling really low today... worrying that I won't have a job to go back to, that I'm just not up to the standards of this department.

Enough wallowing... time to form a plan. What can I do about the people I work with who are causing these problems? Nothing. What can I do about feeling like I completely suck and have no worth? A LOT.

Since I feel like every area of my life is in chaos at the moment, I'll begin by setting some small goals for myself in my outside-of-work life, and accomplishing them. Cleaning up certain areas of my office, for example. I will give myself a facial tomorrow, and dress extra-nicely next week - not for the office's benefit, but for my own... so that I can hold my head up high. I'll work this weekend to get ahead on my homework, so that I can stop worrying about that. I'll make a new budget for us for the month of April, so that our finances are in order.

And I'll pray... that I myself will have a right attitude, and do my absolute best job each day - and if others are being unfair, or treating me in a way that they shouldn't, that their actions would be revealed for what they are.

While I pray, I'll remember that I'm not at this job to make friends or be popular. I'm at this job for two reasons: to get my education at 85% off, and to pay my bills. I can take a LOT of crap to get my education and pay my bills.

Time to make my little to-do list and accomplish some things! AFTER my inner child and I color a picture.

Stepping Out

Today as I chatted with Alison, trying to figure out what to do about a friend (we'll call her "Friend X") who is completely and utterly screwing up her own life and the life of her child, I came to a realization:

Before I confront Friend X about her malfunction... I really need to get my own crap together!

I'm complaining because my friend is trapping herself in her bad situation, and not helping herself find a way out... but am I doing the same thing? Time to take inventory of some areas of my life, and the next steps to improve.

FINANCIAL:

This has by far always been the weakest area of my life. I won't go into how bad it's been, but lets just say some dramatic action is needed in order to pay back some medical and educational bills of the past.

My next step: Get a calendar to put next to my computer. Whenever a bill comes into my house, write this bill on the calendar. This will help me get organized, and avoid late fees. After this, make an income and expenses comparison, and see what can be cut or lessened from the expenses side. After this, make a specific plan for what bills will be paid off in what order.

EDUCATIONAL:

I'm really doing pretty well in this area, but have been frustrated by my lack of organization.

My next step: I think I need to make a to-do list at the end of each class day, (I only have classes Tues and Thurs), saying what assignments need to be done before the next week and the deadline. I'll put this next to my computer, and mark off assignments as they are finished.

PHYSICAL:

This is improving, or was. I really enjoyed our time as vegetarians, but we've went back to the old ways of eating far more than we should have.

My next step: Keep buying and using vegetables in every meal I cook. Try to use minimal meat.

SPIRITUAL:

This is still rocky, but improving.

My next step: Find a good time to pray, and pray daily.

SOCIAL:

My house is staying mostly clean, which makes it MUCH easier to have people over now... but I still generally stay home, alone. I honestly don't know what goals I want to have in this area. I have been making more friends, I have been working at creating and maintaining healthy friendships, and have been cutting off "dead weight" friendships that are not healthy for me.

My next step: Write a letter to Friend X, explaining why I am avoiding her. Be gentle, but very very blunt.

Another goal that I'm considering, which is not really related to this list, is to blog more about some of the topics I'm learning about in my Social Work class. We're just finishing a chapter discussing poverty that I found quite offensive, and would love to chat about it... perhaps by blogging sometimes about these types of issues, I'll remember to keep my blog updated!

Breaking News:

A single friend is at my house taking a pregnancy test because she missed a pill.

I've been trying to get pregnant for months and months....

Do I suck because I feel like throwing things at her?

UPDATE: It seemed to be a false alarm (Though she is not positive, since it may just be too early for the test. Personally, I think it's probably just pre-period symptoms.) and she has gone home. I still want to throw things at her, but I maintained a friendly and joking demeanor, and so on and so forth.

Now I'm just tired, and in need of pleasant dreams and a hug or two. With this week's paycheck, I am going to pay off my doctor, and try and put some money in a secret savings account for roof repairs. Once the roof is completely fixed, or we KNOW we'll have the money to have it completely fixed, I'll go to a fertility specialist. I'll also be able to get my thyroid and things checked out... and be able to see MY doctor again, instead of visiting a random clinic.

In sad news, I still want my mouse calendar. I cried thinking about it today... I don't understand what it is that I really want, that the calendar means to me. Safety and love, maybe... or just the candy inside the calendar lol

Keepin' the Faith

Before I begin my actual post, some questions were asked about henna tattoos.

Henna is a plant that produces a red-orange dye, which is used in body art in the Middle East, India, and even Africa. In fact, it's even talked about in the Bible (it's called Camphire there.) Hehe looking at Wikipedia, it looks like henna for body art is actually illegal here, which makes me feel even warmer and fuzzier inside about using it. Anyway, the henna leaves are mashed into a paste, which is applied to your skin in pretty designs. You let the paste dry, and as it is drying your skin absorbs the dye! After a while it fades... mine was done on Monday, and now part of the design is totally gone, and part is faded.

~*~*~*~*~*~

So, my devoted readers will probably remember that about a week ago that I was posting about being very depressed, and how life was just completely sucking.

That was last Saturday. I felt like everything was crashing around me... our finances were the worst they'd ever been, we couldn't even afford to get our heat turned on... work was CRAZY, with everyone spatting and all this drama, in addition to an insanely high work load... and so on and so forth.

Sunday I dragged my lazy butt to church, only to hear my pastor preach on faith. By the end, I realized I had completely given up hope for my situation! I had decided things were never going to get better, and we'd always have to struggle like this. I decided to let go, stop the panic, and cancel my trip to the pawn shop. (Seriously. I had stuff packed.) I decided to just trust God, have faith, and relax.

So how did that work out for me?

Sunday afternoon a friend took me out for supper at Dennys! I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. Monday when I got to work, the coworker who all the drama had centered around had quit. My workload increased a little, but life is SO PEACEFUL there now in comparison. 75% of my job stress ended that day. I was able to sleep without waking up in the middle of the night, worrying about work! Then, when I got home from work, James told me that instead of his job cutting his hours, like they had been doing, he was on manditory overtime! He has worked 76 hours this week, and next week he will have at least 10 more hours of overtime! (If not more... James plans to be working overtime frequently until Christmas.)

The bills are being paid, the heat will be turned on sometime next week (whenever we can actually be HOME, so they can come turn it on.), the job is bearable, and in general....

Life is good.

So if you're going through one of those periods where life sucks, keep the faith. It works.

Dancing & Life

Last night was my second dance party, following a pre-party Waltz class. I struggled a lot, but I had a LOT of fun. I can now do some basic steps in: Foxtrot, ChaCha, Rumba, East Coast Swing, Merangue, and since none of us were giving requests to the DJ, we all learned a line dance.... which was surprisingly HARD physically. I was like... wow.

Talked to a lady there who teaches belly dancing on the campus I work at... she does that on Monday nights, so I may join the fun. They're free, and since this month will be my last regular dance class for a while as we save up money to pay for books for my classes in January... this might be a fun option for me.

I still don't feel like I have any control over my body... I still feel like the uncoordinated kid in the corner who people choose last for EVERY sports team. I wonder how long I have to dance before my body feels like it's mine, ya know?

I've become depressed. This new job, recurring grief over my dad, upcoming holidays, financial issues, combined with the normal crap (the house isn't clean, at all, because I've been depressed. I'm more depressed because the house is dirty. I'm depressed because I feel fat and ugly. Since I'm depressed, I overeat and just want to sleep all the time, thereby making myself gain more weight...) has just been too much. I need to talk to a doctor about happy pills, but that brings us back to the financial issues... I owe money to the doctor (stupid insurance switch at my old job, I didn't realized they weren't paying my doctor bills til it was too late.), so I can't get in to see her until I pay... and even if I did, I couldn't afford the prescription...

Basically, every area of my life is out of control... and I'm cracking. So, I'll go back to making collages, spending time with myself, letting myself heal... perhaps that will be enough to get me through.

GOAL!

Today I've been looking over my list of 101 Things in 1001 Days, and checking out my progress. A few that I completed at least part of:

6. Crochet 2 garments for myself (a sweater, skirt, etc... something big) (0/2) - White shrug finished in September

32. Take one dance class or buy another dance video - Finished Cha-Cha classes 10/28 (By the way, these were SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fun!!!!!! We've already signed up for another class next month, East Coast Swing!)

78. Make a budget - Done 10/3 (For all the good it did us... with the job changes, that did NOT go well!)

A few that I've made progress on:

1. Read the entire Bible - On Deuteronomy 22
2. Memorize one scripture from each book in the Bible (3/52) - Genesis 1:1, Exodus 14:14, Leviticus 26:13
30. Complete Spanish the Easy Way - On Chapter 21 (I was on 20 when I started back at it... slow progress, but better than nothing!)
42. Make and keep one e-mail penpal for at least 6 months - Started chatting on Oct 23 (And in Spanish, even!!!! Does this make up for my lack of progress on #30? lol)
45. Go to 10 community events (for fun, not business) (2/10) Farmers Market, Asian Cooking Class, (I haven't been to either of these in over a month, but they are both excellent things to do.)

So, yeah. I feel like a bit of a loser for not doing more, but I have had a lot of other things going on in the meantime.

In other news, my work is going better... James's schedule for work may be changing yet again (we'll see) now that one member of management there has been suspended w/o pay after being arrested with marijuana, and another was fired today for sexual harassment... I'm loving dance classes and life in general... looking forward to Halloween weekend at Kim's house, which is always an adventure lol.

Okay, I'm off to bed now... love to you all, and apologies for not bloghopping at the moment... sooner or later I'll get back in the swing of this!

Ugggggg...

Today was not a good day. I woke up at 2AM? 2:30 AM? I dunno. Somewhere in there. Didn't get back to sleep til sometime after 4AM. Woke up late, and was a couple of minutes late to work. Had a migrane...

Had an "incident" with my boss during my unpaid (and late.) lunch... it was bad this time. I mean, I have had bad issues with my boss before, but this was the absolute WORST yet. He really went off on me today, totally inappropriately... I was SOOOOOOOOOOOO angry at him, my hands were shaking for over an hour after the incident. I sat at my desk and cried as I worked for two hours, but there was so much work coming into my desk that I couldn't even leave to calm down. I came home, and promptly threw up... twice. I was THAT upset.

Through this though, I realized that if I really want to accomplish my dream of one day having an art business, I need to GET IN GEAR. I'd been doing more art this week anyway... even had Mod Podge on my hands two different evenings! (Mod Podge on the hands is a sacred feeling.) So... we are getting serious about art business and debt reduction.

February Goals:

-Play with art and see what I can make, and if anyone shows interest in buying.
-Calculate the debts I have, and make some fun "color me" charts to color my debt-elimination progress
-Continue learning about veggie cooking
-Enjoy married life

I have no idea what I'll do about the job. One day at a time... the longer I work there, the more $ I make. The more $ I make, the less debts I will have. The less debts I have, the less of a slave I am to my job... because debt gives my finances power over me, instead of me having power over my finances. And I'm going to pray about it. That will help more than anything.