Sometimes people don't really grasp the impact their advice could have on a marriage.
For the past 2 months and 13 days (HOLY CRAP. It's been THAT long?! *filled with anger and hurt*) I've gotten an earful as I walked to work daily waiting for James's car to be fixed. (James works an hour drive from home, and was taking my car.) James was not showing much initiative about getting it fixed... (Yes, my husband does read this blog, and he won't argue with that fact.) much to the dismay of my coworkers.
I heard a lot of advice from them... "get in his face EVERY DAY and nag him about it until he cracks!", "If that were my old lady, the first day she had to walk to work.... *insert dire consequences here*", "someone's got to wear the pants in this relationship, and it doesn't seem like James is going to do it..."
Now, may i just remind you that I come from a seriously nasty verbally/emotionally abusive home? I even posted a collage (somewhere? lol I can't find it) about how I see in myself both the abused and the abuser...
I don't talk about how through my teenage years I emotionally abused my mother to the point that it still haunts me. I don't talk about how I emotionally abused my friend Jade to the point that she probably still needs counseling. I don't talk about how I almost didn't marry James because I was afraid I'd abuse him too. This is my worst fear.
So now, here I am, completely trapped. By not doing anything about the situations in our marriage, nothing will ever change. The dominant phrase of our married life seems to be "If I don't do it, it won't get done." I've begun saying things... pressuring him to help me more... and in some ways it's worked! We've worked out a plan for meals! (Whoever cooks, the other one does the dishes immediately after the meal.) Our kitchen has stayed clean for weeks!
But at what cost?
I feel the angry abuser rising up inside of me, more and more each day. I don't WANT to wear the pants in our relationship. It's not fair that I should be asked to wear the pants! I ALREADY WEAR THE FREAKIN' SKIRT!
It's not fair that people think it's my job to nag James every day to do things he darn well knows need done! I'M NOT HIS FREAKIN' MOTHER! Why is the success or failure of our marriage placed entirely on MY shoulders?!
I'm beyond angry... at my self for letting him use my car, which is what started this chain of events... at my husband for not giving our marriage more effort...
But mainly I'm angry that after decades of women fighting for equal rights, THIS is where we're at. I'm still seen as a failure if our relationship has issues. I'm still expected to have a clean house, but also expected to work a full time job and care for any children we might have. I'm expected to control my husband, but if anyone hears about it I'm called a b#$%&.
And do you know who puts the bulk of this pressure on me? OTHER WOMEN! WTHeck is their problem?!
So, at the moment the only options I see are:
1. Abuse James - hate self - commit suicide.
2. Medicate myself deeply - not care - loose self completely - never have babies.
3. Don't abuse James or medicate - crack under the pressure - come to hate James - kill him as he sleeps.
So far, I'm still going with option #3. I'm hoping that if we ride things out, we'll learn to get a system going for more and more things, and life will improve. Maybe I won't have to kill him as he sleeps. (Maybe instead I'll poison his food... black-eyed peas, James?)
But if I hear ONE. MORE. COMMENT. about how it's a woman's lot in life to be her husband's mother... especially if it's said BY A WOMAN... i may have to add an option:
4. Kill woman who said it - Go to prison - Become the newest "friend" to Bertha the 500lb lesbian cellmate - Learn to love orange clothes and ugly slippers.
7 comments:
I can really relate. It's hard finding equality in a relationship. My husband and I fought for the first year we were together, trying to figure out the power dynamic. It took us YEARS and it's still hard. We have been together 13 years.
As a partner, you want to be supportive, give him time. Be loving and patient. At the same time, your life is being impacted.
The best thing to do (if you're taking advice, if not, throw this out the window) is tell him in a calm voice how it is affecting you and what you can do to help him get it fixed. Guys don't like rants. They like problem solving. It's a problem, so what can you do to help?
Then let him cave, think about it and come out with a decision. It's so not how we do things but this sounds like it's more in his hands.
I hope you figure it out Jana. It is so hard, I know. To me it isn't so much feminist as it is helping the one I love.
Been there done that Jana...I tell ya the only thing that saved my sanity was making myself step back emotionally. By that I mean switch your mind off, no matter how much he bugs you or is lacking in initiative step back mentally. You gotta let it go, if you don't it's gonna eat you up. Trust me, I had the same problem, i hated wearing the pants in our family, it wasn't until I sat down with my dh and told him how I felt, then I mentally backed off that's when things started to happen.
Amy
Jana, I've been thinking about your post all day. Trying to come up with my "two cents" of advice.
For me, I had to set the boundaries with Mike right away. My advantage was that he had been living on his own for many years! So, he didn't necessarily expect me to pick up after him, cook, do laundry, etc. We each do our own laundry. I do wind up cooking more, but that's because I want to EAT! (he is OK with chef-boyardee way too often!)
You and James need to come to some terms with which you can both live. He needs to contribute more, and you need to not take on his stuff! Don't let people tell you that you have to do something a certain way either. Find what works for you and for James!
You also need to be very honest with James if there is something you need him to do for you! If you need him to take out the trash, tell him that. Guys don't get it - they don't think about things that need doing without some telling! :)
Hey Kiddo, I am not going to tell you what you should or should not do, nope, I have had people interfere in my marriage and you know what? No one else is living your marriage but you and James, period.
I would like to give you some advice, though. Pray for him and honor him as your husband, yes, this is very difficult, but he is the head of your household and he needs to remember that.
It has taken me 15 years (next week) to do this. If James was this way when you married, then you cannot expect him to change who he is, just like he cannot expect you to change who you are.
When dating most couples overlook some critical aspects of their loved ones personality and then act surprised when they see it rear its ugly head once they are married.
Marriage doesn't change a person, it teaches compromise through love and endurance.
This is a difficult situation but I wouldn't nag him because with most men, they will resent it and become even more obstinate.
He knows you sweetie and he already knows this is bothering you so just give him time, he will eventually get his car fixed.
I will be praying for you.
There are SO MANY PEOPLE in this world who are ready to give advice about marriage. They know ALL the secrets and have YEARS of experience to back things up. But you know what? It's all bogus. There is no "one size fits all" definition or idea of what marriage is all about. I really think it's the couple in the marriage who work things out and learn things outside of what everybody else thinks it should be. And that is how it is with you and your husband. Together, you will find your own way and your own ideas of what your marriage is all about. It takes time. Lots of time and lots of patience. I'll be praying for you, as well. **hug**
I am way behind on reading your blog posts but did grab this one.
Welcome to what feminism has done to the American culture!!!!!
Something you said I thought was interesting was that you were letting James use "your car". When you get married, things become both of yours. Thinking otherwise can cause alot of anger and frustration.
If you are that angry, tell him before you blow a gasket. Also look at the positive. You are saving gas, getting exercise daily, giving yourself a chance to enjoy nature to and from work.
Lastly, it's not your lot in life to nag him to death. It won't work anyway. Believe me, I know! Try to look at all the things he IS doing and has done lately to help around the house. If it does get to a head, then you guys have to figure out a way to work through the issues in a way that helps you both to express how you feel without making you feel squashed like a bug.
No marriage advice - seems like you've had enough here...but - have you ever read Anne Lamott? I picked up my 3rd and 4th book by her on vacation, and she's amazing: a recovering alcoholic/druggie/anorexic/bulemic christian who i LOVE reading. Knowing me you must know she is a *great* writer. She struggles with imperfection all the time and does it in a way that is so universal the reader has to have epiphanies while reading (and there is no direction to the epiphany - the door opens and something wonderful comes through). Highly recommend her! not just because she's a great writer, but because you, too, are a great writer: you really get it out there. You should think about writing professionally. Really.
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