Time and time again, as I allow myself to feel and examine my emotions, I come back to that word. Abandonment.
This seems to be a theme in my life. I think it really hit me when my parents split up at the age of 12. My dad had been my knight in shining armor as a child, vowing to vanquish anyone who hurt me or tried to take me away... but when Mom and I packed up our boxes to move, the only response from him was when I found a card in his trashcan... it read "Daddy, I love you." with cute little crayon drawings. That basically summed up our relationship from that point forward. We had occasional visits from him... usually him wanting to "say goodbye" before he commited suicide. *eye roll*
At the same time, my mom was working a lot of long hours... my grandparents had their own lives to deal with (Grandpa was going blind)...
And I felt so abandoned.
I see this being repeated in my mind even today. When I have serious discussions with James, I fear he'll leave me. When I make a mistake at work, I worry I'll be fired. When I don't hear from a friend in a while, I wonder what I did to make them leave me. I feel like I'm always waiting to do that one unforgiveable thing... the one that will make the other person walk away and never come back.
I see all this... but I have no idea how to overcome it. How do you shut off (or circumvent) something ingrained so deeply?
3 comments:
I don't know if you ever shut it off. I've always struggled with low self esteen. My dad told me I was stupid and other words while I was growing up and even today some 30 odd years later I still feel worthless...
Amy
Oh Jana, there is nothing more difficult to get over than your parents divorce. It does stay with you but I promise that it gets easier. Over time he will show you and prove to you that he is different. That your relationship is different. Focus on that and not the fear, because fear can make bad stuff happen. Reward him for being different, for being supportive. Celebrate the good stuff and work through the bad. That is what has helped me over the years. I still get scared but then I know I'm strong, that I'll always be OK no matter what.
back from vaca, doing reading catchup - this one I know: I'm adopted (abandoned at birth), the daughter of an alcoholic mom (abandoned all the time) and emotionally abusive father (abandoned because I could never live up to his idea of female), from an abusive 1st (and 2nd - same guy) marriage: abandoned by the one who was to love me. You get over it through the experience of loving yourself and caring for yourself as if you were: your mom, your day, your husband and discover you have all these people inside who are standing ready to take care of you. Then you experience that being true to yourself (speaking up) is important because otherwise whatever relationship you are trying to protect will fall apart anyways or all the participants and interactions will get seriously skewed...it cannot get better if it isn't healthy. And then YOU have to walk away. Same ending. The first step is not abandoning yourself. All else flows from that. xo
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