6 Months of Pants

So about 6 months ago I made what seemed like a huge decision... after about 14 years of only wearing skirts, I decided to wear pants again.  It was a pretty non-dramatic decision for me, but the reactions of other people... well... that was a different story.  The women of my church wore pants, but my mother-in-law and all the women at the church I attended in my old town still wore skirts.  I knew my decision would hurt them, but I can't live my life for other people... so I did what I thought was right, and wore feminine pants with longer shirts.  Surprisingly, I got very little negative feedback when I "came out" on FB and announced I was wearing pants, but that was probably because I scared everyone away from making either positive OR negative comments. Or so I thought... until a week or two ago I started to realize that a lot of people had missed the announcement. 

I was back at square one, waiting to be rejected again.  I play tough with my no-nonsense approach on FB to politics and controversy... but in reality I'm sensitive, and being rejected hurts like hell.  I would do almost anything to avoid rejection... I even, in moments of weakness, wanted to go back to wearing skirts just to be accepted.  Now, I'm not saying I will never go back to wearing skirts... but if I do, I want to go back for the right reasons.  I want to go back because I think it's right, not because I want people to accept me.  I crave acceptance like crack, and putting myself in a position where I allow that need to change how I live my life is dangerous beyond belief. I want to be perfect, and I want everyone to love me... but what kind of person only loves me if I am their idea of perfect?  It reminds me of a song I used to listen to back in my "emo before it was cool" days... Alainis Morisette sang a song that said "I'll love you... just the way that you are... if you're perfect." 

I want to do the right things for the right reasons... but I want to be loved and feel like I belong somewhere so badly right now. I make a commitment here, today, in front of whoever does or doesn't read this, that I will not conform simply to be accepted by others. I will do what is right for the right reasons, even if that means I stand alone.