Today I was reading an article in preparation for a social work paper... and came across this quote:
"Moreover, children directly witnessed 85% of all assaults made aginst their mothers... These children were often seen emulating violent behaviours through actions such as punching and/or strangling the household pet."
I should feel comforted by this... I should feel comforted to know that when I abused our pets as a child, and when I verbally abused my mother, that this was just a reaction to what was happening in our family. My mother made a choice to expose me to that lifestyle, and to the violence in it.
All of my life, until about the last 4 years, I had blamed myself entirely for my abuse of my mother. I was a demon, and she was an angel. She was innocent, and I was voilent against her. A few years ago a friend pointed out that my mother had a role in this too. She allowed me to see the abuse. She allowed me to be abused. She allowed me to be in a situation that potentially could have caused my death.
I still can't grasp it. I still see myself as the evil child, the monster, who became the object of her fear. I remember myself kicking the puppies we had, because I was just wanted them to hurt. I told myself I was punishing them, teaching them not to walk under people's feet... I remember waiting until the children I babysat misbehaved, because I wanted to punish them. In retrospect, I probably just wanted for once to be in control, to have power over someone else for a change.
I still keep a distance between myself and anything too small, too powerless, too abuseable... because I still see that monster when I look in the mirror.
"Moreover, children directly witnessed 85% of all assaults made aginst their mothers... These children were often seen emulating violent behaviours through actions such as punching and/or strangling the household pet."
I should feel comforted by this... I should feel comforted to know that when I abused our pets as a child, and when I verbally abused my mother, that this was just a reaction to what was happening in our family. My mother made a choice to expose me to that lifestyle, and to the violence in it.
All of my life, until about the last 4 years, I had blamed myself entirely for my abuse of my mother. I was a demon, and she was an angel. She was innocent, and I was voilent against her. A few years ago a friend pointed out that my mother had a role in this too. She allowed me to see the abuse. She allowed me to be abused. She allowed me to be in a situation that potentially could have caused my death.
I still can't grasp it. I still see myself as the evil child, the monster, who became the object of her fear. I remember myself kicking the puppies we had, because I was just wanted them to hurt. I told myself I was punishing them, teaching them not to walk under people's feet... I remember waiting until the children I babysat misbehaved, because I wanted to punish them. In retrospect, I probably just wanted for once to be in control, to have power over someone else for a change.
I still keep a distance between myself and anything too small, too powerless, too abuseable... because I still see that monster when I look in the mirror.
I put up a wall
No one can get too close
I am an abuser
I will hurt you
I keep everyone at arms length
I keep everyone at arms length
I push you away
Don't you see who I am?
Don't you know what I can do?
I curl up in a ball inside
I withdraw
It's safer for everyone
I withdraw
It's safer for everyone
if I just stay alone
1 comment:
On one hand, I am very happy to see that you have gained this wisdom. It is very true. Children imitate what they see at home, and that does not make them evil. It is a natural response. A man who once upon a time I could call my brother abused and even killed animals as a child. He grew up to beat on women and abuse children. He never learned that that was wrong and it's very sad, really. On the other hand, I do so hope you will be able to break free of the notion that you will always be like this. Because trust me, Jana, once you bring a major change into your life -- whatever God decides that change will be -- you will not be the same person anymore. And you won't have to push anyone away anymore. You have the power to break the cycle. :)
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