On the way back from my apartment this week, I encountered a stop light. I sat in my car, watching the car in front of me, and we waited... waited... waited.... waited... still red. We waited... waited... I thought about honking and asking the person ahead of me to make a right turn just so we could move, even if it was in the wrong direction... but I waited.... waited.... Finally the car ahead of me moved up to just run the stoplight... and as soon as she moved up, past the white line, it turned green.
Right now my life feels like that intersection. It seems like so many parts of my life have a stop sign. Healthy eating has been stopped by the heat - it's in the 80s in our apartment, with us not cooking. Cooking vegetables is just out of the question right now. I'm so disappointed about that. We were doing SO. GOOD. *sigh*
My school project seems to have a stop sign. I was so excited about the voter registration drive we were planning, but now it seems like others in the group aren't taking it seriously. We have 8 days before our first drive, and I can't get the researchers to look up the laws about what we are and are not allowed to do. I can't get the group members to read the e-mails from the professor with instructions to our group, to answer my texts, or to check the group facebook page. Our professor has been flipping out, thinking we are going to break the county's rules and cause a huge scandal. I finally sent an e-mail to the professor today, asking her what the consequences would be if I withdrew from the group. I poured my heart into this, I networked with the NAACP, I coordinated the group, I sent facebooks and texts... and now it was all for nothing, because of things out of my control. There comes a time when you see the train heading for a collision, and you just gotta jump off and let it do what it will do. So much for having the project done before school starts.
Counseling... wow. Definately a stop sign. Had a great session the week before last, about avoidance and detachment. Came in this week ready to conquer the world... No. Epic counseling fail. We talked about my blog post about silence, but I just couldn't connect to the emotions I felt when I wrote it. I knew they were there, but it was like I was seperated from them by a river... I could see them but not touch them, you know? So I couldn't make her understand why this was important to me. It came out jumbled and detached and rambly.
I'm wondering if not taking the medicine was a mistake. I feel edgy, and critical of others. I'm noticing I have started avoiding people more, because I am just not sure of my reactions now. In the end, I think I made the right choice. I put up with wayyyyyyyy to much crap from people when I am medicated, and that's not okay. I need to get therapy for my issues while it's cheap, so that I'll be a better social worker when I graduate. Yes, I know I could make it without the counseling, and still be awesome at my job... but I want to be MORE awesome. Taking medication seems to make the therapy less effective, since my emotions are buried under so many layers of medication, self-protection, etc.
I know eventually the light will turn green, I'll be flying down the road of life and forget this stop light ever happened... so maybe I should just take this opportunity to focus on other things, learn, grow, and prepare myself for the green lights ahead.
Right now my life feels like that intersection. It seems like so many parts of my life have a stop sign. Healthy eating has been stopped by the heat - it's in the 80s in our apartment, with us not cooking. Cooking vegetables is just out of the question right now. I'm so disappointed about that. We were doing SO. GOOD. *sigh*
My school project seems to have a stop sign. I was so excited about the voter registration drive we were planning, but now it seems like others in the group aren't taking it seriously. We have 8 days before our first drive, and I can't get the researchers to look up the laws about what we are and are not allowed to do. I can't get the group members to read the e-mails from the professor with instructions to our group, to answer my texts, or to check the group facebook page. Our professor has been flipping out, thinking we are going to break the county's rules and cause a huge scandal. I finally sent an e-mail to the professor today, asking her what the consequences would be if I withdrew from the group. I poured my heart into this, I networked with the NAACP, I coordinated the group, I sent facebooks and texts... and now it was all for nothing, because of things out of my control. There comes a time when you see the train heading for a collision, and you just gotta jump off and let it do what it will do. So much for having the project done before school starts.
Counseling... wow. Definately a stop sign. Had a great session the week before last, about avoidance and detachment. Came in this week ready to conquer the world... No. Epic counseling fail. We talked about my blog post about silence, but I just couldn't connect to the emotions I felt when I wrote it. I knew they were there, but it was like I was seperated from them by a river... I could see them but not touch them, you know? So I couldn't make her understand why this was important to me. It came out jumbled and detached and rambly.
I'm wondering if not taking the medicine was a mistake. I feel edgy, and critical of others. I'm noticing I have started avoiding people more, because I am just not sure of my reactions now. In the end, I think I made the right choice. I put up with wayyyyyyyy to much crap from people when I am medicated, and that's not okay. I need to get therapy for my issues while it's cheap, so that I'll be a better social worker when I graduate. Yes, I know I could make it without the counseling, and still be awesome at my job... but I want to be MORE awesome. Taking medication seems to make the therapy less effective, since my emotions are buried under so many layers of medication, self-protection, etc.
I know eventually the light will turn green, I'll be flying down the road of life and forget this stop light ever happened... so maybe I should just take this opportunity to focus on other things, learn, grow, and prepare myself for the green lights ahead.
2 comments:
Don't give up, Jana. It is frustrating when we run into roadblocks like this, but keep going and hang in there. That light WILL turn green eventually. :)
Thanks for the encouragement! Things are getting a little better. Different red lights now, but at least some are turning green! :o)
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