So, you're probably wondering, after reading my last post, how I became so cold-hearted and angry.
It was not, surprisingly, the fact that I've carried the full weight of the friendship with Friend X for years, taking her everywhere since she doesn't have a vehicle (never asking for gas money), paying for her food because I truly believed she was trapped in her situation (which she is, but only because she deliberately traps herself.), even taking it when she barely helped with my wedding at all after promising to. I was even going to still be her friend after the Christmas Screw-Over.
The straw that broke the camels back though, was her complete and lack of compassion with the fact that we're having trouble conceiving. Now, once again, I have minimal expectations... I did not expect hugs or support, deep words or advice, or even a willingless to listen to me talk about it. A simple "I'm sorry" or even a sad silence would have been enough for me. I realize that I am WAY too emotional about this issue, and that my lack of conception is bothering me WAY more than it probably should. I don't expect others to understand that.
Instead, I got "Don't worry, it'll happen", stories about how everyone else in her life is having cute little babies, and how poor and abused she is because she can't have another child because she isn't having sex... despite the fact that she HAS one child already, and severely neglects his emotional, social and educational needs.
I don't think I'm being unreasonable to tell her how the choices she is making, and her self-absorbed behavior, are hurting her friends and her child. Everyone else has consistently avoided her because her behaviors are more than they can take, and I've stayed in her life through it because I DO see her growing and changing... but these three areas (trapping herself in poverty and expecting people to pick up her tab, neglecting her childs needs because she's consumed by her own, and being an emotional zero to her friends) are ones that I know she doesn't see or thinks she is powerless to control, and therefore isn't working on.
How much, legitimately, am I expected to take and stay silent?
7 comments:
I think that's your main problem, staying silent. Can you not be honest with your friend? I think that if I was doing something to anger one of my friends I'd sure like to know about it. Maybe she just sees things differently than you do.
jana I thank you what your last post did was make me look at my life and set some of my own goals. Something I needed to do :)
If I havent said it before Ill say it now - I am truely sori you are having trouble falling preggy. HUGS
I dont what Id do about your so called friend however I have best friends advice running though my mind. If its affecting you Id not let it do the same thing to me. I think Id write a letter to her tell you how you feel then cut your loses and move on
jen
I agree with the others. Tell your friend how you feel. If she is as self-absorbed as you say, chances are good that she isn't aware of it. They are also good that she will shrug it all off or something. If so, I think it's time to move on. We don't need so-called "friends" draining us of our energy like that. At least you go it out there and laid your cards on the table.
And I am sorry you are having trouble conceiving.
I agree with everyone it is best to be open and honest with her. She may surprise you.
Actually, what seems to be something you can work on here is your own co-dependent issues. Get clear on co-dependence, then get clear on empowerment vs enabling. Your friend can watch your example or not. Your friendship can hang together or not. All the things you've done were your own choices. *you* can choose differently or not. Are you really made at your friend for not changing (in the end, her choice alone) or are you mad at yourself for always being available? xo good luck
Hey girl, praying for you
Friend X who you have blogged about many times, seems if anything, stuck at 15.
You obviously are the helpful sort and she needs help and isn't afraid to impose.
I had a friend who would stand me up. We were friends for many years since middle school. She stood me up a number of times then one day in my 20s I'd had enough.
She then reached out and we were friends again - long distance. Then when she stood me up for my daughter's birthday. Then she said she was coming over to visit us while she was in town. Never showed. No phone call. I mean, all I've ever wanted was a phone call. Then when I finally said something to her she accused me of judging her.
I haven't spoken to her since. I think it's been a few years now. I don't feel bad about it any more. I know that I did all I could to be a good friend over the years. The only thing I felt bad about was the mourning of loss of what could have been happy times.
Post a Comment