Shame

One thing I've noticed about blogging, is that it shows the best facets of me, while the worst facets stay safely hidden away. This bothers me a little.


If any of you meet me outside of my blog, maybe you'll be disappointed to know I have bad facets?


And if I don't tell you how I deal with the bad in me, maybe you'll feel alone as you deal with the bad in you. That would be sad, right? So I will post some thoughts on shame on here today.

Coming from an emotionally abusive home life, I struggle a lot with feelings of shame. I was ashamed that I wasn't taught proper hygene as a child, and was considered the "dirty kid." I was ashamed of my father, who wore velcro tennis shoes, worked as a mechanic, and didn't bathe regularly either. I was ashamed of being ashamed of my dad, who I loved. Basically? I was ashamed of myself and everything about me.

Now, there is something I have to confess. Remember in October, how our Ohana split up? There was a lot behind the scenes that I didn't share, because the issues were so complex. I wasn't sure how to tell the truth, without being labeled either "homophobic & overly Christiany" or "unspiritual & morally bankrupt". Because really, I don't think I'm either of those... but I worry, a lot, about you all thinking either of those things. So I hide anything relating to religious views or things that have even a remote chance of making you think less of me. But today, I'm tired of that... sooo... here is the whole deal.

I killed the Ohana.

When the Ohana started to feud, I basically had to choose sides. Kim was my best friend, and A had hurt her. A & S had hurt Kim & Brit, and Brit pushed me a bit to take her side and stand up for her. A & S had started acting wierd... suddenly A had went from very social and preachy, to not talking to us at all. S, however, was still her same old self. When I WAS around A, she started acting wierder... God had been telling her to get tattoos, she said mean things about Brit, etc... VERY wierd. (Brit was originally brought into the Ohana by A...)

What did I do? Brit and I confronted A, asking her what was going on and why she was changing. She wouldn't tell us, said there was nothing wrong, and passed the phone to S. Poor S. S confessed that she was in love with A, and the conversation became about their lesbian relationship. Which is not what we were upset about. *sigh* Brit said some things toward S that I should NOT have sat back and listened to. By the time the conversation was done, we had split away from each other, and no one was talking anymore.

A came over one time later, and I was sorta cold toward her... I didn't make her feel welcome, or let her know that I missed her. I remembered that Brit & I had decided together not to be around them until they had changed (changed as in not being crappy friends... not as in gone straight.). I made A feel unwelcome in my house, and of that, more than anything, I'm deeply ashamed.

If I could do it all over again... I'd make it clearer why we were mad. "A, You hurt Kim. You hurt Brit. You've stopped being our friend. S, you attempted suicide and blamed it on me." I'd also make it clearer what we were NOT mad about. "I'm not mad that you are lesbians. I AM worried that your 2 year old is being left alone with your suicidal girlfriend, who you have only known for 3 weeks. This is not seeming to be a healthy relationship at all."

And most of all? I'm ashamed that I didn't tell her that we loved and missed the "Old A", who loved hanging out with us, made us laugh, preached to us, made random sexual comments, and just generally rocked... and that we wanted her back. Instead, I think we pushed her away and made her feel like there was no hope of us ever loving her again.

We've reconciled a bit... I sent an apology to A, since she's the one that I hurt the most. I mainly listened to Brit hurting S, which I also suck for. But a few nights ago (after A got the apology) A & S came over... we chatted, burst into a random song like in the old days, and talked about their plans for the future... S seems totally okay with me, but A is still very hurt and angry. With good reason, obviously.

I don't know what the future holds for us... A & S plan to move several states away in a month. I doubt that Kim will ever trust A again. S and I may never trust Brit again. (If I even talk to her again... she has moved, and hasn't been heard from in a month or so.) I don't know if we will ever be an Ohana again... but I refuse to hide in shame for my part in killing the Ohana anymore. I'm a human, I make sucky mistakes sometimes, and sometimes I just plain suck.