For those of you not on Facebook with me, I should probably update here about my life. Sunday afternoon we had plans for the husband to visit his mom, while I went to either the cemetery to see my dad's grave, or to visit my mom - I hadn't decided which. Started to change clothes, and the phone rang. A woman from my mom's church called me - my mom had fallen down some stairs at the church, and was at the ER. She fractured her shoulder in two places, and her pelvis in three places. She's now situated in a rehabilitation center (a nursing home, actually.) while she gets therapy and heals.
For three days, I have done all the right things - worried about how we were gonna take care of her if she had to stay with us: Where would she be released to? How would I get her to appointments? What would happen if I missed too many classes or internship hours? What did my mom need in the hospital? Who did I need to call for her? Did I need to pack anything to bring to her? I visited, made calls, ran errands... I was a good daughter. I did what good daughters do. (At least I think I did. I have no idea what good daughters do, or are supposed to do, in cases like this.)
Today, I'm tired. I have not let myself really cry or stop to deal with any of this, and as a result, I've lost my emotional equilibrium. I'm filled with doubts, about myself as a person and myself as a daughter. I've seen myself in the eyes of people who knew me when I was a teenager - angry, bitter, depressed, and hurting more than anyone knew how to deal with. The people at my mom's church at the time looked at me like I was a monster. They loved my mom - she was so good, and sweet, and pure. What kind of monster could control and verbally abuse her? They had no idea what I had been through, what she had ALLOWED me to go through. For years and years, their eyes were the measuring stick I held myself up to. I felt unworthy, dysfunctional, monsterous.... I let people walk all over me, allowed friends to screw me over in a thousand ways, tried to "save" people like I once was... a quest to prove the monster was gone.
Years and years later, I still am haunted by that. I still wonder if my mom prays that I not get pregnant, because she is afraid I will abuse my child. I wonder if God won't let me get pregnant, because he sees the monster inside me too. I'm so sensitive to this crap that after like 2 years of counseling, I still haven't been able to really talk about this. I'm ashamed of the things I did, the mistakes I made. A part of me knows that I was an abused child, never given any help or counseling to deal with the trauma, wounded and hurting and lashing out. A part of me watches the children at my internship with RAD and other explosive disorders, and breaks when I think of the weight that guilt will have on them for the things they have once done. No child deserves to feel like a monster. No child deserves to feel like they are unforgiveable, horrible and unlovable and permanently broken.
And what about me? How do I forgive myself, for things I am so deeply ashamed of? How do I form relationships with a person who I hurt so deeply, and who still makes me feel like I need to apologize for them. How many times do I need to apologize for being a monster, to the person who nurtured the monster and allowed it to grow?
For three days, I have done all the right things - worried about how we were gonna take care of her if she had to stay with us: Where would she be released to? How would I get her to appointments? What would happen if I missed too many classes or internship hours? What did my mom need in the hospital? Who did I need to call for her? Did I need to pack anything to bring to her? I visited, made calls, ran errands... I was a good daughter. I did what good daughters do. (At least I think I did. I have no idea what good daughters do, or are supposed to do, in cases like this.)
Today, I'm tired. I have not let myself really cry or stop to deal with any of this, and as a result, I've lost my emotional equilibrium. I'm filled with doubts, about myself as a person and myself as a daughter. I've seen myself in the eyes of people who knew me when I was a teenager - angry, bitter, depressed, and hurting more than anyone knew how to deal with. The people at my mom's church at the time looked at me like I was a monster. They loved my mom - she was so good, and sweet, and pure. What kind of monster could control and verbally abuse her? They had no idea what I had been through, what she had ALLOWED me to go through. For years and years, their eyes were the measuring stick I held myself up to. I felt unworthy, dysfunctional, monsterous.... I let people walk all over me, allowed friends to screw me over in a thousand ways, tried to "save" people like I once was... a quest to prove the monster was gone.
Years and years later, I still am haunted by that. I still wonder if my mom prays that I not get pregnant, because she is afraid I will abuse my child. I wonder if God won't let me get pregnant, because he sees the monster inside me too. I'm so sensitive to this crap that after like 2 years of counseling, I still haven't been able to really talk about this. I'm ashamed of the things I did, the mistakes I made. A part of me knows that I was an abused child, never given any help or counseling to deal with the trauma, wounded and hurting and lashing out. A part of me watches the children at my internship with RAD and other explosive disorders, and breaks when I think of the weight that guilt will have on them for the things they have once done. No child deserves to feel like a monster. No child deserves to feel like they are unforgiveable, horrible and unlovable and permanently broken.
And what about me? How do I forgive myself, for things I am so deeply ashamed of? How do I form relationships with a person who I hurt so deeply, and who still makes me feel like I need to apologize for them. How many times do I need to apologize for being a monster, to the person who nurtured the monster and allowed it to grow?
1 comment:
I am sorry about what happened with your mom. I hope she gets better soon. And someone once told me that when you ask God for forgiveness, He has forgiven you and you don't need to ask Him again. You are supposed to work on forgiving YOU, healing yourself and healing your relationship with others. So I will pray that you will be able to do this someday. It may take a long time but I know that you will someday find the ability to forgive and move past the hurt, when the time is right. Be gentle to yourself and nice to yourself. You are not the person from the past and please don't worry about how others judge you. Hopefully, they will no longer be blinded from the past and see you as you are now: A warm, caring and beautiful woman who has changed her life for the better. I will pray for you and your mom. Keep your chin up. *hug*
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