Here we go again.
I had a great vacation... time off from school, time away from the stresses of daily life, time with my husband. And by with my husband... I mean... umm... WITH my husband. Like... Biblically "with" my husband. (Yeah, I know. That's awkward to share.)
That was 2 weeks ago... and since then, I've thought random thoughts about being pregnant - my time with my husband was close to (or maybe on?) ovulation time. Now, I've been tired, sick to my stomach... thrown up... indigestion...
And as always, I am hoping I'm pregnant... and as always, I'm putting all of my energy into telling myself that I'm not, because if I let myself believe that I'm pregnant, and I'm not... how do you survive this merry-go-round, finding yourself in the same places, feeling the same pain, again
again
again
again
again
again.
I'm so hopeful, but so afraid of being disappointed. So I tell myself it's not the right time - Look at all the negatives... think of all the reasons why it would be for the best if I wasn't actually pregnant yet... I took a Benadryl - will my baby be deformed? The hubby isn't through school yet - what if we can't afford a baby? What if my husband can't finish school?
My stomach feels strange... is it worry? indigestion? or is there a life in there? I'm so hopeful... so wonderfully, beautifully, delightedly hopeful... but terrified to let myself hope, to take the chance of believing I might be pregnant - to jump on the merry-go-round yet another time, to embrace the hope and pray with all my might that the ride will end in a different place this time.
I had a great vacation... time off from school, time away from the stresses of daily life, time with my husband. And by with my husband... I mean... umm... WITH my husband. Like... Biblically "with" my husband. (Yeah, I know. That's awkward to share.)
That was 2 weeks ago... and since then, I've thought random thoughts about being pregnant - my time with my husband was close to (or maybe on?) ovulation time. Now, I've been tired, sick to my stomach... thrown up... indigestion...
And as always, I am hoping I'm pregnant... and as always, I'm putting all of my energy into telling myself that I'm not, because if I let myself believe that I'm pregnant, and I'm not... how do you survive this merry-go-round, finding yourself in the same places, feeling the same pain, again
again
again
again
again
again.
I'm so hopeful, but so afraid of being disappointed. So I tell myself it's not the right time - Look at all the negatives... think of all the reasons why it would be for the best if I wasn't actually pregnant yet... I took a Benadryl - will my baby be deformed? The hubby isn't through school yet - what if we can't afford a baby? What if my husband can't finish school?
My stomach feels strange... is it worry? indigestion? or is there a life in there? I'm so hopeful... so wonderfully, beautifully, delightedly hopeful... but terrified to let myself hope, to take the chance of believing I might be pregnant - to jump on the merry-go-round yet another time, to embrace the hope and pray with all my might that the ride will end in a different place this time.
2 comments:
I will certainly keep you in my prayers for this. Just know God will make that happen when the time is right. It took me 2 1/2 years of trying to get pregnant with my first. That happened at the right time in our lives. And I actually ended up getting pregnant AFTER I stopped worrying about it. Just trust God it will happen when the time is right and if it is meant to be. Keep your head up and just keep doing what you have to do! :)
whatevers happening Im praying for you my dear friend
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