Disconnected

Alone

I see outstretched hands
Reaching
Probing
Touching

I feel uncomfortable, deep in my soul
I push the hands away
I hide deeper inside myself
Begging them to leave me alone


This has been me lately.  A few weeks before school started this August, at a retreat for students in my program, a conflict between two of my classmates boiled over, and I was caught in the middle.  Things got messy, everyone was upset at me, and I cracked emotionally.  It was the last straw in a series of back-stabs, drama, and chaos - and I was done.  To get through the semester, I cut myself off from everything social. I no longer saw my classmates outside of class, no longer met with my Arabic friends, and barely talked to even my closest friends. I rarely saw my mom, and I even pushed my husband away. As you all have probably noticed, I mostly stopped blogging and reading blogs.

By the time that Christmas break came, even the limited social interactions that I couldn't avoid were too much.  My classmates are STILL fighting, months later. The class as a whole divided into two factions, and both factions think I'm on the other side.  Our normal debates in classes became side-one-vs-side-two, and all kinds of heated.  Drama boiled over at work, and I was in the middle of that too.  (Note the pattern of always being in the middle? Yeah. Childhood pattern still at work. Gotta work on that.)  I was just exhausted.

You know what I realized over the break though? Relationships don't all have to drain me.  There are relationships, good relationships, that actually give me hope and strength and help me to grow as a person. I MISS connections... I MISS the friendships and relationships I made while blogging, and even some of the connections in my real-life world.

I have no idea what my official resolutions will be for the year... but I'm going to try to blog every day in January (I will fail, but that's okay - my real goal is just to blog more, and blogging every day is kinda shooting for the stars and hoping to at least get your feet off the ground lol) and maybe just try to cautiously reconnect with the world around me - with God, with the huband and family, with trusted friends... and then just see how life goes along the break. 

I'm just asking that you all, my wonderful blogging buddies, bear with me (or is it bare with me? No. Can't be bare - that sounds too naked.) as I cautiously ease back into the blogging world.