Last week, I was asked a question.
What would I feel, if I stopped overeating? Or, another way of saying it - what feelings am I trying to avoid through food.
It's a scary question... and it led me down a scary road. I began to look at my life, and see how many things I was doing in order to not feel. I was overeating. I was consuming insane amounts of entertainment. I had something going on every minute of the day - a book, TV, the computer... anything and everything, so I didn't have to think, didn't have to feel.
Then I took a medicine that gave me nausea. I couldn't overeat. My computer broke, and I couldn't lose myself in a computer game. There was absolutely nothing on my TV.
In one night, ONE. NIGHT., I came awake. I began to think, and think, and think, and think, and think. I couldn't stop my brain. I thought when I did homework. I thought when I played a game on my phone. I thought when I laid down to sleep. My mind would not stop. And today... I began to feel. Life kind of collapsed around me, I did something stupid, and my mind would not stop rehashing the event and its consequences.
I have not thought and felt that much in a long time... and it was intense, and painful, and just generally... intense. Yeah. Intense.
I know my life could be SOOOOO much more if I let myself stay awake... but I don't know if I can take the emotions. Everything hurts so deeply when you are really awake. It's so hard to stay in balance when you are awake. I really really really don't like these feelings... but I really really really love having passion again.
Life is so complicated. I just want an emotional nap.
What would I feel, if I stopped overeating? Or, another way of saying it - what feelings am I trying to avoid through food.
It's a scary question... and it led me down a scary road. I began to look at my life, and see how many things I was doing in order to not feel. I was overeating. I was consuming insane amounts of entertainment. I had something going on every minute of the day - a book, TV, the computer... anything and everything, so I didn't have to think, didn't have to feel.
Then I took a medicine that gave me nausea. I couldn't overeat. My computer broke, and I couldn't lose myself in a computer game. There was absolutely nothing on my TV.
In one night, ONE. NIGHT., I came awake. I began to think, and think, and think, and think, and think. I couldn't stop my brain. I thought when I did homework. I thought when I played a game on my phone. I thought when I laid down to sleep. My mind would not stop. And today... I began to feel. Life kind of collapsed around me, I did something stupid, and my mind would not stop rehashing the event and its consequences.
I have not thought and felt that much in a long time... and it was intense, and painful, and just generally... intense. Yeah. Intense.
I know my life could be SOOOOO much more if I let myself stay awake... but I don't know if I can take the emotions. Everything hurts so deeply when you are really awake. It's so hard to stay in balance when you are awake. I really really really don't like these feelings... but I really really really love having passion again.
Life is so complicated. I just want an emotional nap.
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