Today, for the first time in... two years? Three years? My family actually got together for a holiday! I decided to go ahead and go, since I was feeling some better. I'm still feeling better (which reminds me, crap, I didn't take my antibiotic with my afternoon munching/supper-ish thing. BRB, doing that now.) *returning with Stovetop stuffing leftovers to eat with the meds.* My throat is sore today from talking and singing so much on the way home, (We've always sung Christmas songs on the way home from Thanksgiving. ALWAYS.) and ears still feel all full and gross, but I'm otherwise doing pretty darn good!
The family gathering was awesome, we had SO much fun!!!! James was himself, which was awesome... it was the first time my family really got to know him at all. We had a bonfire, and burnt a couch. (HOLY. FREAKIN. CRAP. Dude... the minute that thing caught fire, it was like WHOOSH and huge nasty black smoke and crazy intense heat came out of it! AND THAT WAS JUST FROM TWO CUSHIONS! Amy the Awesome Cousin has pics.) I got to see Amy the Awesome Cousin and her hubby and kids... I really love Amy's family. Her hubby's sense of dry humor just cracks me up! Her oldest kiddo (who barely qualifies as a kiddo, since she IS like 16 now.), Kid #1, and I always have fun chatting, and I got to know Kid #2 a lot better through the day... and got to spend real time with Kid #3 and Kid #4, for the first time EVER... the only other times I've seen them is at a funeral (our Grandpa) and a wedding (mine). Kid #3 said the prayer over our food, and it contained a phrase similar to: "And God I love you, I really do, and that's why I do! Amen!!!" So cute!
On the downside, and I do have to blog about this since it IS what the title is based on... my grandma did not enjoy the family gathering. And being the youngest (and favorite) grandchild, I feel like that is all my fault. I came in, gave her a hug, and told her I had to stay away from her cuz I was sick and contagious. (Because I AM sick, and possibly contagious, and she is already on a nebulizer 3 times every day. And I have a COUGH. *blink* This is a bad combo.) I didn't chat with her much, even when I noticed others weren't talking to her either. I didn't even talk to her much at the table, when I felt like she was always watching me. I wasn't sure what to say or what to do, so I quietly pondered... and she ended up leaving the room to just be alone. And although I know that we were a noisy and overwhelming group, with lots of kids and so on, I keep feeling like it's all my fault.
In the past, this situation would have concluded like this: I would have kept blaming myself. I would have hated myself. I would have felt a heavy weight of guilt, and assumed that everyone else blamed me as much as I blamed myself. I would have avoided family until they had a chance to forget, and then felt more guilty for avoiding them. (Do you see an endless cycle forming? It did.)
I'm putting the brakes on it today... I had a GREAT time with my family, and my grandma was most likely just truly overwhelmed. Mom said that my Aunt Ruth is feeling just as guilty as I am, maybe even more so, because Grandma had changed her mind about going a couple of days ago, but Aunt Ruth persuaded her to come anyway since she was the reason we decided to celebrate together. The weight of the world doesn't rest on me. The weight of my grandma's happiness and well-being does not rest squarely on my two shoulders. Maybe I made a mistake, and didn't talk to her enough. The world won't end from that... I can always go visit her and chat with her then. I can forgive myself, I can move on....
And I can instead switch to feeling the guilt and lethargy brought on by eating insanely huge portions of turkey, stuffing, and PIE!!!! I love my family... sweet potato casserole, turkey that was SO MOIST, mashed potatoes that were perfectly done, and did I mention pies? Pumpkin, apple, double-decker pumpkin (made by my Beloved), and CHERRY. *happy sigh*
*taking antibiotic, finishing my portion of stuffing, and heading to BED*
3 comments:
pleased you had a great time with your family
and good girl about what happened with your grandma yes if you want her go visit her
sleep well
jen
so glad you are feeling better - so glad you are not carrying the guilt weight and thrilled you had such a good time - it sounds wonderful - your grandma is responsible for her happiness darling - not you!!!
She sounds like a beautiful person - but she should have sat in the middle of everyone and talked and laughed and shared....I hope you have a beautiful weekend!!
take care of you---Ellie
It was truly a great day! Grandma was overwhelmed by everything. Mom felt very guilty for making her come. I'm glad you realized it had nothing to do with you. It's hard to talk to her because she can't say much back but I had a great time with her once everyone was gone and she was not so tired.
I'm still recovering from all that food too! Unbelievable!! We are pigs aren't we...
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