I seem to be taking some time off of blogging, to self-analyze a bit. Today though, I was pointed to Leah's blog, where she bravely posted about her struggles with depression.
It's been two full months now since my last "happy pill" was taken. At the time, I just needed to know if I could live without them long enough to not damage a baby... so far, two months has gone by, and I'm still alive. What that means, I don't know. After a while, I started to realize that some very unhealthy things had happened while I was medicated... things that have made getting off the anti-depressants that much harder. Take, for example, the unhealthy friendships I formed. I took a lot of crap that I should have. A LOT of crap. Why did I do it? Because I was medicated to the point that I didn't care... and that is bad. I let a LOT of things go that I was unhappy about, also because I just didn't care.
I'm sure the dosage I was on was too high, and I wasn't monitored in any way. There were no follow-up visits to see how this was effecting me, no questions asked to help me know if this was how I SHOULD be feeling or not... and as someone just starting to take an antidepressant, I had no idea what to expect!
Now I'm asking questions of myself... Am I looking for the root causes of depression, treating it's symptoms, or both? I think that a lot of my depression has roots in my past, but I think a lot of my choices influence it too. I need to take care of my body... I need to get rest when I need to, and I need to eat better. I have IBS and I live like I don't... whenever I have a flare-up of it, I feel a TON more depressed.
I feel like it's time for me to take some time off of the meds, and re-evaluate my life. Am I really dealing with the issues in my life that are the root of much of my depression? Are my feelings of inadequacy being addressed? Depression sometimes has a purpose in our lives... it tells us when there are things that need to be dealt with inside us. It lets us know when things are "off" in our relationships to ourselves and others. Even if I do go back on medication (a different one, and monitored more closely.) I want to be able to feel... I don't want to be numb to the life around me.
So, for now, my "plan for the day" is to go back to the library and get some books about anxiety and depression. I want to read about what foods they say to include in your diet and what ones to avoid, and try to change my diet a little. I want to make myself sleep earlier at night. Most of all, I want to really LISTEN to the depression I feel. What is it telling me?
And when the time comes (hopefully after a baby???) I will make the decision to get back on medication if I need to. I don't have to decide everything today... just one day at a time.
5 comments:
Absolutely Jana, you don't have to figure out the rest of your life right now. Just today's stuff today.
I sometimes thing that doctors would rather medicate people than help them find a way to learn how to deal with what is bothering us, what's hurting, giving us the life skills to survive and deal.
When I got off my meds my family said, there's Suzie! I had been gone for 3 years on a pill vacation. As tough as life is, I'd rather be sober and deal with it than jacked up on pills.
Sometimes an antidepressant can be a good thing if it's the right one and it's monitored closely. Sometimes depression is caused by chemical imbalances as well as life junk/past stuff/etc.
You can take antidepressants and be pregnant and trying to get pregnant. Taking it from someone who knows, you will want to get a good handle on the depression (via meds, counselling, etc) BEFORE you try to have a baby. If there ever was a thing to send your entire body, emotions, etc into a tailspin, it is pregnancy. The emotional roller coaster of a first time (and second, third, etc) is unlike anything you have yet to experience. I just don't want it to catch you completely off guard. Just some things to think about in regards to depression and having babies. Not to say someone who deals with depression should not have a baby, I just wish someone would have told me before I had kids how much harder it is to deal with depression before, during, and especially PPD. I had it so severely but didn't realize what it was until my third!!! Then I was able to get help.
For me, I didn't realize how much my zoloft had made me numb to the world around me. I had forgotten how to really laugh, how to really cry. It's felt good to do those things again, to me more like the me I remember. But now that baby is on the way, I'm concerned about my overall mental health and the PPD. But that's where having an awesome midwife who knows me well really helps.
I'm proud of how you are working through these issues.
Love ya!
Without a doubt, it's definitely a good idea to tackle the root cause of depression before having a child. Motherhood is a whole new chapter in a woman's life. Everything will be new and different. I wholeheartedly support your decision to get to the root of the problems first.
And I can totally relate to your epiphany. Been there. Good for you for seeing those unhealthy things for what they really are!
I just got this great new (used) book from Amazon on "the new diary" and I already knew this but in a different way so I'll share: you can talk to your depression. Give it a name and have a conversation: write your comment, respond with depression's comment, or draw a picture or just acknowledge in some way (past a collage, make colors...anything). And see what happens. It's pretty cool! You sound great, Jana. Give yourself credit for all you do! And motherhood? Yep - it's a definite stretch, but you'll learn more about yourself through them than any other way in your life - make sure you're awake for it. All of it. xo
We are all different and we'll all have different reasons and triggers for depression. The important thing is to find out what's right for your mind and body. I am in counseling right now for the first time. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder 15 years ago and given zoloft. It made me feel like a zombie. Seriously. But there are so many good treatments out there. Not the least of which is exactly what you're doing. Figuring out the root of the problem. For me that didn't happen without counseling. I'm not going to say everyone needs it though...like I said, we're ALL different. I'm on meds again but it's better this time. There are a lot of options out there. I've also heard that Welbutrin can be taken up to the third trimester of pregnancy. I don't know if that's really recommended, but it's worth looking into. For me, my family says I'm back to myself when I go back on meds. Going off them just sucks the life, the energy out of me. (But only the good ones - and that's different for everyone!)
It seems like you have a good grasp of what YOU need and taking control of your own depression is the best thing you can do for yourself. Way to Go!
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